Simultaneously announcing his retirement and his own choice of replacement, TV's Craig Ferguson declared, "I'm done in December…and Obama should take over."
"Really, I KNOW," Ferguson said to the 27 people who were watching "The Late Late Show" the other night. "Obama can match Seth Meyers for a big, knowing smile and charming Chiclet teeth!"
"I always said I was going to quit the show if it became boring and obnoxious…for me, not the audience. The audience long ago was sick of the Tweetmail jingles, the rambling monologues, the silly pseudo-gay double entendres, and not bringing out a guest until half the show was over. But the joke's on YOU people, 'cause my replacement will be worse! The host has always been obnoxious, right? You ain't seen nothin' yet!"
Speculation is rife that following the goofy and annoying Tom Snyder, the smarmy and egocentric Craig Kilborne, and the once-revolutionary but now phoning-it-in Ferguson, the smart money is on either Jon Stewart or Chelsea Handler. "They're both extremely obnoxious but for different reasons," said Craig. "Any news item involving Republicans, and Jon Stewart starts pulling faces, pounding the desk, rolling his eyes, glowering, choking, and waving his hands like he's being circumcized with a broken Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray bottle. Handler…well, we're all fascinated by sluts. Either way, you'll have comedy for people who really don't like to laugh."
All seriousness aside, Ferguson claims he's not leaving because he didn't get Letterman's time slot. He's working on a quiz show (his friend Drew Carey being a roll model when it comes to easy gigs for big money) and his Green Mountain West production company is working on show ideas for the Science Channel…showing that Craig has a serious side, something viewers have discovered more and more during his increasingly jokeless monologues. But if you check what Dave was up to after 10 years, and periodically over the next twenty...yes...some nights his contempt for himself, his situation and his audience were about as obvious as an Ellen ad-lib.
The Late Night landscape has skewed to narrow demographics. Hosts are no longer expected to appeal to everybody as Carson did and Leno tried to do. NBC feels the smart-ass demographic of stoners and frat brats will bring them plenty of junk food and car advertising. They like Seth Meyers telling jokes and smirking after each one, like the bar mitzvah boy getting another expensive pen he can sell on eBay.
As for Jimmy Fallon, the world is impressed at how he can sing alongside Billy Joel or Paul McCartney and have them tolerate it. He also can imitate Neil Young, as if no college boy can, and he's done wonders for reverse racism by boasting of the greatest band on TV because it's almost all-black.
Fallon's skill as an interviewer consists of saying, "Oh wow" and "I can't believe you're here, you are the best!" To avoid having to talk at all, he and his guests play extremely boring games that even nerds at high school parties wouldn't touch ("Password" anyone?) Fallon's greatest bit is to send thank you notes to inanimate objects, in a breathy, effeminate voice.
Over at ABC, the cutting-edge Jimmy Kimmel has evolved into the ultimate celebrity suck-up, curling his lower lip and name-dropping Matt Damon and greeting B-list Hollywood pretty boys most every night. A company boy, he'll relentlessly promote "Bachelor" and "Dancing with the Stars." Jimmy has managed to bring his hipster sense of humor to modern times…if you consider today to be 1962.
It was in 1962 that Jose Jimenez was popular. Rescuing offensive racial stereotyping, Jimmy's sidekick is "Guillermo," a fat, nasal-voiced, happily stupid and massively homely Mexican. Add to the sadism: "Cousin Sal," tormenting people with such amusing stunts as grabbing their property and running away, endless YouTube videos involving "cute kids," and interviews with moronic near-homeless idiots on the sidewalk who sit inside Wookie and Spiderman costumes reeking of sweat and soiled dollar bills. Kimmel, who famously insulted Jay Leno to his face, has no qualms about stealing "Jaywalking," and doing comical spots with clueless fools.
CBS, which had the man Johnny Carson wanted to replace him, the man that Carson secretly wrote jokes for, decided that Dave's audience of aging hipsters should just go to bed, or to Colorado and smoke pot. Rather than hunting for somebody edgy or original, they've chosen Stephen Colbert...Mark Russell without a piano. They are figuring that Stephen Colbert will easily keep the Tiffany Network in 2nd or 3rd place without denting the budget.
All Colbert needs is fresh white shirts and a new pair of Lenscrafters now and then…frames that won't, however, obscure his devastating raised eyebrow. More could be said about Colbert, but his audience has absolutely no sense of humor and gets enraged by any satiric comment made about him. Let's just remember that CBS actually means Col Bert, S. Which is arch, NPR wink-wink humor at its finest (and a joke especially written for this piece by the genius Sedaris. No, the one with the vagina. David.)
Mr. Ferguson truly believes his replacement should be Obama: "What else would he do after he leaves office? Why should he be another has-been like Jimmy Carter? Besides, Carter can build houses, Obama can't. And after 40 years, Carter finally got around to championing women's rights with his, oh, 20th or 30th book. What's Obama going to do, write a cookbook with Michelle? Better that Barack do what he does best, which is to entertain with that great big smile. a smile NOT UNLIKE MINE! He stars with Biden. Think of the laughs! Obama would be a great robot skeleton. Biden would be a great sidekick as a horse's ass. They'll beat ABC's "Nightline!" - mostly because they'll be talking about Hillary and Jeb and Rand Paul and...oh, there IS a difference between comedy and tragedy..."
