The "Andy Kaufman Alive" Story that Won't DIE

DIE already. DIE. Leave it to the New York Post to huckster a new book with this provocative headline:

We're supposed to forgive Bob Zmuda for this tasteless game-playing because hoaxing is in the spirit of Andy Kaufman?

Right, so is not being funny.

Andy Kaufman was a great comedian...if you didn't have to see him. It's hilarious to hear how he did his laundry on stage. Stood there and spoke gibberish. Got into rages and ended up getting wrestled to the ground by women who were too big for him to handle. Yeah, he was loaded with "zany" antics.

Let's not forget the Tony Clifton bit. He'd act like a crappy lounge singer and insist he WAS a crappy lounge singer. He'd never break character. Wow, what a vision the man had.

Let's remember he had a bit of the Steve Martin "wild and crazy guy" vibe...there was anti-comedy in the air. It's just that nobody fouled the air quite like Kaufman.

If you were paying to sit in a dirty nightclub where you were being pestered by a waitress to drink up the minimum and keep going...you would've walked out on this guy 10 seconds after be began to lip-sync to the theme for "Mighty Mouse" cartoons.

He was, in a word, an asshole.

OK, a vulnerable, lovable asshole. Maybe. But still an asshole. A mutation on the world of the neurotic Jewish desperate-for-attention comic. But really, enough is enough.

Not too long ago, some idiot relative of Kaufman had the nerve to float the "Andy is Alive" stuff again, and eventually apologized. Now?

Now there's a BOOK. So let's flog this over again.

Toward the end of the New York Post;s happy shilling for the book, we come to the real deal.

The book does include the "alternate" theory is that Kaufman is dead. Well, yes. Because he is. You don't fool the L.A. coroner. A comedian/asshole is not going to have the skills to find a "similar body" and make it seem like his. There's such a thing as fingerprints and dental records.

Space is given to the proposal that Kaufman is dead...BUT...and here's another selling point...he was bi-sexual.

Oooh! The gays can claim ANOTHER celebrity! Come on gays, go out there and buy the book! You're an affluent lot. Read all about it.

Andy was a weirdo and a misogynist, so nobody would be surprised he paid for whores whenever he was in Vegas. He lacked the skills to have a decent relationship with a woman, and probably preferred throwing down money to do what he wanted and leave.

The story here is he was also prone to picking up men (not that there's anything wrong with that). We're told the public hasn't heard this before, because Andy never wanted his parents to find out his secret. Now that they're dead, this fact could be included in the book. Ok.

The big deal in this latest attempt at keeping the great Andy Kaufman legacy in front of us, (aside from the silly "he's not dead" stuff) is that if he died, it was of AIDS, and not cancer. So now he can be a martyr that gays can get behind.

The fact is, nobody dies of AIDS. Right? They die of symptoms caused by the AIDS virus, which affects the immune system. I've unfortunately seen quite a few AIDS patients sitting in hospital beds with carcinomas and hideous skin conditions. So yes, it's entirely possible that Kaufman died of cancer, at a very young age, not because he smoked, but because he had unprotected gay sex.

I suppose another bit of spin-doctoring would be to call him a "performance artist" now, and not a comedian. It's trendier, and it's more truthful. A "performance artist" doesn't necessarily have to get laughs. And if he doesn't, he has an excuse. He's not a comedian.

Bottom line and bitter end: Andy Kauffman is still dead.

And that's tragic.

So were his attempts at being funny.

DUMBTH and the PIGRANT

Steve Allen was an American talk-show host, comedian, and a TV personality. That last term refers to a raconteur who could turn up most anywhere...an awards show, quiz show or most any event that might need a witty, light-hearted host or guest.

Steve also made films, wrote music and musicals, appeared on stage and, wrote a LOT of books. One of them was this one.

He coined a word for the dumbing down of the culture. OK, not such a clever word, but a useful one. That it hasn't become as famous as "fap" or "twerk" isn't too surprising. If it's used at all, it's prefaced by "Steve Allen called it..."

One of the kindest of men, he, like Joan Rivers, had a surprising, swift death. You could argue it was the best kind...you go quick and painlessly. Like Joan, Steve could've survived to senility, infirmity or worse. You wonder if, ultimately, his demise was for the best. In his case, he got bumped by a car. The driver was of course shocked, and sorry it was THE famous Steve Allen, but Steve apparently waved it off as nothing serious. A while later, he went to his son's house, decided to lie down and rest...and he died.

Steve had no idea he had suffered some kind of internal hemorrhage and was literally bleeding to death on the inside.

He was becoming more conservative in his old age, and if he was around now, wouldn't he have coined MORE words besides DUMBTH? I think so. How would Steve have characterized DUMBTH's stupid, obnoxious cousin? As a PIGRANT?

That's a person who is a combination of arrogance and pig-headed self-entitlement.

We see that a lot now. The PIGRANT is not just a pig, and not just arrogant...as an alloy of both, he or she is proud of it. There's an ego to it. You might tell off someone arrogant and they might shut up. You might even be able to put a self-entitled pig in his place. But the PIGRANT? The PIGRANT will get in your face as if he's defending the second amendment. He's got a RIGHT not only to his opinions, but to be rude and insulting, too.

He'll push is way to the front of the line and point a finger and say, "I've got things to do, buddy...YOU can wait." He'll yell at the waiter or waitress because HE is a customer and HE is always right. He'll talk over the actors in the theater or on the screen because what he's saying is obviously more important or otherwise he'd be paying attention.

Randy Newman characterized the PIGRANT in his song "My Life is Good," and Saturday Night Live once had a series of sketches featuring two PIGRANTS, who were simply called "Two A'Holes." But A'holes is pretty general, as is "douchebags" or "Yuppie scum." After all, the PIGRANT can be a 7 year-old brat as easily as a 30-something Master of his Own Domain. The PIGRANT can reply to your request for manners with an incredulous, "What-ever" or a Jersey Shore "Tough!" or a jeering "You can NOT be SERIOUS." The important thing is to let you know that for whatever reason...money, fame, social "class" or just plain selfish entitlement, you must GRANT the PIG whatever he or she wants, and bow to the PIGRANT while you do it.

And yes, this applies to the superior-thinking atheist, the wild-eyed radical Islam loon, or a member of the Chosen People. They can ALL be PIGRANTS. Oy oy OINK.

OF ROSH HASHANAH AND GROUCHO MARX

Here's the start of the Jewish holidays...notably the New Year (Rosh Hashanah, where kids happily take time off school) and the Day of Atonement (Yom Kippur, when adults "atone" for their sins. Or at least feel more depressed than usual).

Some less observant Jews (ones who need to wear glasses) ask, "what ARE we supposed to do on this date? Buy a plant and something that looks like a lemon?" For Christians, it's a time to envy Jews taking days off, or just be anti-semitic about Jews in general and Israel in particular (as in, "If there wasn't any Israel…ooh, all our problems would be solved." As if a Muslim-run Israel would allow Christians to view the Holy Land.)

I was thinking about Groucho Marx, and his famous line about the "restricted" health club that wouldn't admit him or Melinda: "My daughter's only half Jewish, can she wade in up to her knees?"

Let's remember something about that line. It's funny, but it's not: even after the ovens of Auschwitz and "Never Again," Jews were being routinely maligned and humiliated in daily life. Groucho Marx, George Burns, Danny Kaye, Jack Benny and the others…were members of Hillcrest, because as famous as they were…they were JEWS. As in, "We don't want you in OUR country club because…YOU….ARE…JEWISH." So they quietly created their own.

"No Jews Allowed." Nevermind if you're not religious, or if you're bringing smiles and laughter to millions. Nevermind if you don't even "look Jewish" (Kirk Douglas, Lauren Bacall, Lizabeth Scott...) Jew? OUT.

Jack Benny didn't perform on radio if it was Yom Kippur, but he said it was because he didn't want Gentiles to think he wasn't respecting his religion. He was making a social point. But he couldn't do much about being denied membership in some damn country club that was "restricted." He chose not to toss a Yiddish phrase into his comedy or make a point of his Judaism. He tried to rise above anti-semitism.

Today? Today we face the worst anti-semitism since Hitler. If you've been reading the Simon Weisenthal Center's newsletter, and others who monitor the news and are "watchdogs" in areas of human rights, you'll know that violence against Jews has never "gone away." It just hasn't been reported in the mainstream press as often as crimes against other races or religions. It's rare when a name like Yankel Rosenbaum or Leon Klinghoffer even vaguely rings a bell...a tolling bell for the deceased. During a a new scuffle in the Middle East...reporters sometimes can get a story through...about kids tormented on a bus, shopkeepers dealing with broken windows, or tombstones overturned. Otherwise...oh, somebody using Hitler in a TV commercial, or there's Nazi memorabilia for sale, or a bull ring in Spain has signs that insult Jews...oh well. Let's try and ignore it and maybe it'll go away.

Despite the constant abuse, the Jewish response has not been terrorism or rioting. Perhaps, inborn after all these centuries, Jews simply accept that this is the burden of being "The Chosen People." Yes, as arrogant or foolish as that phrase might seem to Christians, what it really is, as far as the average not-very-religious Jew is concerned, is just a way of coping. In that sense, it's no different than the 60's declaration "Black is Beautiful." Humor has been another way. Groucho made a joke out of being denied membership in a country club. He could've sued. He could've pointed out this injustice at a news conference. He could've showed up with a mob and demanded entrance to that club under threat of breaking down the doors. He didn't. Neither did Burns, Benny, Jessel or the others. The only fight has come from Israel...which has been vilified as genocidal and apartheid...the only nation on Earth to be boycotted as 100% wrong and evil. "Defend yourselves? You have a lot of nerve! Why don't you people stop being Jewish and just get along with everyone?"

But once again the Jews are celebrating the holidays…some doing little more than buying the honey cake that's suddenly available at the supermarket, or the Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray on sale. In the midst of hopes for a good new year, and all the rest, we should remember Groucho's line about his daughter. And after we laugh, and the smile subsides into a grim line, we might just ponder the two words…the vital two words…"Never Again."

NEIL YOUNG MOVES ON...to Daryl Hannah

A month after filing for divorce from his wife, Neil Young visits SEA WORLD with new love, DARYL HANNAH...

Photo Fun Babylon

JOAN RIVERS

My thanks to the original artists for their unknowing contributions here.

Joan was one of the first celebrities I interviewed (for "Writer's Digest" 1978...her discussion on writing jokes and the screenplay for "Rabbit Test").

I'm not sure why any reasonable adults didn't know that "Joan Rivers" was a character...and that when she didn't have a microphone shoved at her and wasn't expected to say something outrageous...she was one of the kindest and most sensitive women on the planet...a true "lady." She worked for so many charities, but also, if you were opposite her, she cared about YOU.