O'Reilly? Oh, Really! Riled Up By Bill O'Reilly's "lies"

We're the media. We're taught to lie.

Does that surprise you?

In the wake of the Brian Williams affair, the media is once again being a bit hypocritical in biting one of their own. Of course, this is Big Bill O'Reilly, notorious right wing broadcaster. His slightly unbalanced reporting is giving everyone else vertigo. As if he's the hack Big Bill DeBlasio is, or some other professional loudmouths and fudgers.

The Huffington Post investigated (did they actually PAY for the writing this time, or just give a platform and "a good credit" to people).

Below are three of the four conclusions. I'm giving 'em credit so that's "fair use." Of course, I could just re-write their stuff, like Buzzfeed, TheDecider, The Daily Beast, or any of the other fanciful "news" websites that can re-write other peoples' work because facts can't be copyrighted.

Let's stop here for a moment and get back to our premise.

WE ARE TAUGHT TO LIE. I remember a journalism class I took in college, in which the professor, who was publisher of a weekly newspaper, encouraged us to "dramatize." For example, don't report, "The snow is ten inches high on the ground, and the roads are icy."

It's boring. Put some people into the story. The facts are the same, but it's more colorful. Like: "This reporter saw a dog absolutely covered in snow as its owner tried to walk it. It shivered and burrowed under the layer of snow, with only the tail visible above the surface. It continued along, mole-like, until it reached a tree. Then the snow began to turn yellow. Then the burrowing animal continued along, the tail wagging happily. On the street itself, several cars careened along the black ice..."

This is what Mort Sahl used to call "actual if not factual." Or vice-versa.

So what else did Bill O'Reilly brag about that might not be the truth?

Some of my first writings were published in my professor's newspaper...most of them an approved mix of fact and fancy. Once graduated, cum laude, I began to get published in a variety of national magazines, although these were not exactly high on the food chain. One publishing mill was hungry for any and all material, and had a bunch of lurid titles including UFO magazines. I was offered a shot at writing for them (along with their mags on dogs, pets, men's interest, and deep sea adventures). Like the tabloids, you could get away with anything if you simply quoted "an unnamed source." The articles were often not designated as fact. A publisher could shrug and say, "Oh, that was a fiction piece." You stretched the truth a bit, and left it up to the reader to believe it or not.

These would be the same readers who were cheating on their taxes, cheating on their wives, and bragging about the size of fish they caught, and the hole-in-one they never sank.

Meanwhile, ad copy for a variety of worthless products featured "creative writing." It's the kind of thing that Judge Wapner, the original host of "The People's Court" might dismiss genially as "puffing." You're allowed, in the eyes of the law, a certain amount of editorial "puffing." Like, if you say "wonderful used car, looks new," because you polished it and photographed it from an angle where the dents didn't show.

More from Bill:

Basically, Brian Williams and Bill O'Reilly are just two of two hundred, two thousand, twenty thousand reporters or writers out there who've "embellished" their stories. We do live in an area of scripted "reality" television.

It seems every year we get further and further from the truth, and fewer seem to care.

Anyone out there upset about staged scenes on "The Bachelor" or "The Maury Povich Show?"

I recall a writer who wanted to get some publicity for his book. So did another writer, a lady who authored a lurid tome about her sex life. With the help of their publisher, they concocted a scam for Povich's show. She'd be a guest, talking about her erotic adventures, and about how she was an authority on phone sex, and had practiced it hundreds of times.

The kicker? She was going to meet "for the first time," one of her clients. A client who just happened to have a book to promote, and from the same publisher as hers.

This guy had, of course, NEVER had phone sex with the woman, and had met her up at the publisher's office. I think the sweetest part of the deal was that the Povich Show had flown her in to be on the show, and even paid for her hotel. So she was obligated to put on a good show.

Did Maury Povich give a damn? Did he know? Anyone care? If it's not the NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams does that absolve a TV show of being truthful? Or is there a little caveat in the credits about "questions for guests were prepared in advance" and "program has been edited for time," etc. etc.

Just to make things more colorful, Povich interviewed the lady first, and then, keeping her partner in crime backstage, asked him some questions. Like: "What do you think this lady looks like, based on her voice?" The co-conspirator laid it on, thick. He said he envisioned the lady author as an adorable blonde with a cute button nose.

The lady was a brunette with a big honker. The audience roared with laughter when the two met. Afterward, the lady felt humiliated. Yes, she'd gotten a lot of promotion for her book, but she was sensitive about her looks. She did not appreciate that her accomplice had "embellished" his story just a little TOO well.

I could go on. As Lennon sang it, "all I can tell you is...it's all show biz."

I'm not perfect, but I never worked for the tabloids and didn't want to lie for a byline. I turned down assignments sometimes, and other times, refused to put myself into the story, even if, in a Williams or O'Reilly way, I could fog the difference between "I saw it" on tape and "I saw it" in person.

When I worked as a photographer, covering celebrity events, I also refused to hand over "ugly" pictures of celebrities. My photo agency said, "Give us the ones where the star's eyes are half shut. We can sell it to the tabloids for when they do an article on a "drunken celebrity." Matching a real photo to a fake story? No thanks. Other photographers didn't have my ethics, and I didn't feel so superior about that. Just irked sometimes.

For example, I was covering a party where an actress was decked out in a sexy outfit, but it was TOO sexy. She was having a wardrobe malfunction. The male photographers weren't sure what the hell to do. Any picture they took of her couldn't be printed, except in a men's magazine. To go over and say, "About that nipple..." was not exactly a great option. Fortunately, there was a female photographer. "Go over and tell her..."

Well, the female photographer went over, took a whole bunch of incriminating pix, and then feigned, "Oh...look what just happened..." and got the star to cover up. She took more pictures.

Naturally the dirty ones, which she sold for a lot of money to the men's mags, didn't have her credit on them. Meanwhile the rest of us tried to sell the clean pix we took, and as usual, it was more a case of whose photo agency a magazine favored, and who had the lowest price, than who took the better pictures.

Back to this O'Reilly matter, now on the front page of every paper.

In the interests of full disclosure, I should mention that I was actually a guest on O'Reilly's show once. He did his gruff, tough question bit, I answered, and that was that. What I found most remarkable was a) that he IS very tall, and b) the guests all had to be lathered in very dark make-up, which amazingly balanced out perfectly under the blinding lights. It was one of my better appearances, at least physically. And no, I didn't "lie" or say anything that remotely stretched the truth. Which may have been why I lasted only one segment.

I enjoyed my experience and my "credit" in being enough of a celebrity to get on his show. But if he really did something outrageous, I'd say so. All he did was, well, "puff." He's done what journalists do, whether everyone likes it or not.

The Captain Renault aspect of these witch hunts..."I am SHOCKED, SHOCKED that Williams lied...that O'Reilly is claiming things that didn't happen..." is noble. I can't fully endorse the Christ-like view that only those without sin should cast the first stone. We all struggle with morality and legality. But in these days, and in fact in the history of journalism, "stretching" the truth and "gray area" reporting have always been with us. From critics giving bad reviews to their enemies (how about Rufus Griswold's vicious and mostly untrue obituary on Edgar A. Poe) to these current complaints in the video age, we see that the truth is always difficult to find. How about watching a boxing match and then reading three or four different accounts, each unintentionally or intentionally slanted to the point where you wonder if everyone was watching the same fight?

"I think Brian Williams is a great guy who has never intentionally lied," says a source. "O'Reilly? He's just doing what reporters do, and giving the viewer or reader a more dramatic view of a news item," reports a pal.

The "source" I just quoted? Me. Hey, I'm a source. People have used me as a source lots of time. Why can't I use myself as a source? Ethics? What's that?

"The pal" I quoted for Bill O'Reilly? That's also me, because I consider O'Reilly a pal. I did chat with him once, right? It was nice of him to have me on his show. So he's a pal. Although...I might just be stretching it.

Kristi Capel and the Jigaboo Boo Boo

Poor Kristi the newsreader.

Blame it on her youth.

She apparently thought Lady Gaga was getting jiggy, but came up with a boo boo.

Note that in these PC-times, we censor mistakes so nobody can see them. That explains why the YouTube clip went black. (Can I say "black?" Should I have said "went dark?") No, it wasn't that the clip violated copyright, as copyright is not a human right that concerns Google's YouTube.

Perhaps it's a good sign that most people under 40 never heard of "jigaboo," anymore than they've heard of "sheenie" or some of the other colorful (can I say "colorful") words from a bygone age of racism. Kristi went on Twitter to tell the world of her ignorance. After all, she's was hired because she's a woman and she can read the news, not because she could find Ethiopia on a map, or has any deep connection to the English language and its slang, past or present.

I guess she wasn't feeling to GAY after she discovered her BONER.

Speeding Up the Tapes - Nefarious Cable Channels ad More Commercials

No, this is not a surprise.

I think it was the USA Cable Network, when cable first began to infect the television world, that discovered how easy it was to doctor video tape so it could play faster. On reruns of "Alfred Hitchcock Presents," the slow-talking host began to sound like Alvin the Chipmunk.

John Lennon used to talk about how strange it was that sometimes he'd hear a song on the radio, and it sounded faster than he remembered. Think maybe a DJ with a pitch-adjusting turntable was speeding up the songs a little so he could throw in more commercials?

Fine, two more cable stations have been "outed."

It's a long shot that any government regulation protects the public from this butchery of art. It would be up to the copyright owners to prove it's being done, and then convince a judge that it's caused "damages."

In this capitalist world, courts insist, "What are your DAMAGES. Can you prove that you're DAMAGED in some way? DAMAGED to the point where you deserve money?"

Speeding up "The Wizard of Oz" doesn't cause "pain and suffering" to the copyright holder. In fact, the copyright holder would lose money if a TV station refuses to rent a title that can't be speeded up so more commercials can pay the costs.

Viewer, YOU LOSE.

It's just the "What are your Damages" game. Somebody strangles your cat? "What are your damages? You can get a new cat from a shelter, free." This was the view of Andrea Peyser, the despicable NY Post reporter who hooted when a man was brought to trial for kicking his ex-girlfriend's cat to death. He got off, of course.

It's also the "nobody can do anything but the copyright holder" game. Cable channels, like YouTube, like blogs, like torrents, are under no legal obligation to be legitimate and honest. Ask a cable channel if they have permission to speed up tapes, or ask a blogger if he has permission to throw music around via downloads, and the answer is: "Don't ask. You're not the copyright owner. Bug off."

Then, Catch-22, the copyright owners can't get damages to make it worth pursuing. At best, the copyright owners spend their own time to file a complaint and get a "cease and desist." And usually have to keep doing it until they give up.

Welcome to Chipmunk Planet.

"An Order of Fries Before I Fry" John Goodman look-alike's last meal

Is that John Goodman resurrecting the John Belushi "cheesburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger" SNL sketch?

After wasting years and years on appeals, when all the evidence has proven guilt and the two or three-time loser has often even killed before, it turns out prison officials are most concerned about the wasted last meal.

Gosh, some of these people order a big meal, and when they are about to die, suddenly lose their appetite.

I guess there's some law that says the guards can't split up that order among themselves? It can't go to charity?

Isn't ordering two cheeseburgers and two large orders of fries and cherry vanilla ice cream already a death sentence? Isn't gulping down sugary lemonade some kind of lethal injection?

SEND LAWYERS, GUNS AND MONEY...

...THE SHIT HAS HIT THE FAN.

Muslim Terrorists Are Nice - a subliminal typo says otherwise

M. Steven Fish will have you believe that if you DO THE MATH, you'll see that all these incidents of global terrorists by Muslims are just some kind of kerfuffle. Tish-tosh. Bosh.

His essay calls attention to his new book and champions a blameless religion and a more than acceptable number of deaths due to blatant racism and misogyny.

But The Daily Beast either has no proofreader, or simply, nudge-nudge wink-wink, doesn't believe this asshole.

OK, what's a FOUR LETTER word for SNATCH?

Well, no, Carlin fans. I think she was thinking of "grab."

Don McLean gets a MILLION BUCKS for throwing the PIE

"Who threw that pie?"

DON MCLEAN.

Why not? He's beating the drum about it, along with Christie's.

Don's 69. You can't take it with you, and you can't keep touring and singing in today's dwindling marketplace. It makes sense to prove, while you still can, that something you did is considered valuable and iconic.

The record is held by Bob Dylan. His lyrics for 'Like A Rolling Stone' sold for $2 million a year ago. Before that, John Lennon's "A Day in the Life" topped a million. As rock lyrics become legitimized as investments, we'll probably see huge prices for most anything. Somebody might get a few million for John's "She's So Heavy," even if those were almost the only words to that song.

The extra value here is that the winner will not only get a hefty amount of paper (16 pages) but a chance to study the words that Don crossed out, and the ones he substituted.

I haven't seen the manuscript but I've heard that aside from Buddy Holly, there was a tribute to Moe Howard. Something about, "Bye bye, hit your face with a pie..."

Wiseguy!

Piers Will Miss Face-Maker Jon Stewart More than I Will

Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz is leaving "Comedy Central?"

16 years is plenty, and if he's tired of himself, he's not alone.

I don't think I've been able to withstand more than five minutes of him at a time. An example is below.

One of the many buzzfeed/beast websites run mostly by unpaid interns and New York Observer-columnist-wannabe's caught my eye with a MUST SEE post.

The writer screamed I just HAD TO SEE Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz stand up for women's rights with one of his hilarious, blistering editorials.

Now, I'm quite the Liberal, and a big fan of Bill Maher's "Real Time" (at least the monologue and "New Rules"). So why not check out what "Jon Stewart" was up to?

After all, he's not really any more cadaverously ugly than David Brenner was, and good jokes transcend an unpleasant face.

Except...well, look below. David Brenner didn't wreck comedy with outrageous face-making like this

The top part is the plug to go watch the YouTube clip. I added the extra faces, ALL done for that same editorial. And there were more.

Yes, the boxes show only SOME of the Lon Chaney gruesomeness that I had to look at. Stewart's jejune, obvious and ordinary comedy-rant would have been no better or worse than something from Maher, or Dennis Miller on a sane day, EXCEPT for the FACE-MAKING. That's why I've never been a fan. Jerry Lewis is less annoying.

In a minor 3 minute desk bit on differences between female and male politicians, couldn't this guy stop over-acting EVERY line? Not even the worst Central Park street mime EVER had to twist his face every five seconds to get a laugh.

Was he really so overcome and emotional that he had to go into literal contortions? Lenny Bruce, Mort Sahl, any other idol he or I might have...NEVER had to DO the EQUIVALENT of an ALL CAPS EDITORIAL by MAKING FACES for ALMOST every WORD.

His fans love seeing him go so ridiculously ballistic, but these aren't funny faces. They are nauseating.

Piers Morgan's opening lines:

After Morgan grumbled about how the media doesn't pay enough attention to news, and prefers gossip and celebrity info, he mentioned that Leibowitz wasn't particularly funny in slamming him the moment he took over for Larry King:

"I think they’ve made a brilliant choice by bringing in a British guy no-one’s ever heard of. When I’m thinking of floating a sinking ship, what do I want to bring on it: a guy that people are going to tune in and go, ‘Who’s that, and why is he speaking so funny?’”

While this naturally offended Piers Morgan, I think it would offend any fan of comedy, because Leibowitz has spent most of his 16 years shoveling sarcasm over actually being witty. Where was the joke in those lines? The last one, with the lame dig on a British accent?

Morgan covered his tracks by first insulting, and then licking Leibowitz:

"...he’s an annoying, whiny, smug, patronizing, pedantic little git. But I also have to admit that he’s a compellingly brilliant broadcaster, and without any doubt the sharpest, most accurate disseminator of American news in the country." He then quoted Leibowitz on Brian Williams, delighting at how he "still stuck the knife into his mate’s ‘misremembering’ with viciously sharp slashes. ‘Why, Bri lie? Sigh,’ he lamented to guffaws from the audience. ‘Were you Bri high? Cuz if they keep finding shit, you’ll be Bri-bye!’"

Yes, like Bill Maher, Leibowitz does love his cuss words. It might be his homage to Lenny Bruce or something. But again, I ask, what was so sharp or, more importantly, so laugh-out-loud funny about "Bri lie" and "Bri high" and "Bri bye?" Isn't that what Williams might've heard from some blockheaded cab driver jeering him as he left the NBC building?

One thing I'll give Leibowitz is that he's evidently as authentic a bastard as Mort Sahl. There was the case recently of an Asian woman in the audience who left the studio hurt and upset, because during the opening Q&A, she asked why he cursed so much and...he cursed her out.

This guy may not have been born with a silver spoon in his mouth, or got an all silver ink pen for his bar mitzvah, but he was always annointed "The Chosen One" in the comedy world. Way back in the late 80's, he was given showcase one-man shows for the media. Yes, while a Kinison, Emo or Tenuta might barely get to fill a few tables with journalists or industry biggies in a cramped comedy club, THIS guy had an entire theater.

Not unlike Whoopi Goldberg going instantly to Broadway, this very young comic was somehow getting booked into big theaters so that hundreds upon hundreds could see him and walk away saying, "I have seen the future and it is Jon Stewart." The buzz was always that if he didn't emerge as the next David Brenner, he'd go even further: "Some day he'll replace Letterman." This morphed into those "Jon Stewart is gonna replace me" gags on "The Larry Sanders Show."

Back then, less pruney, and slightly more likable, Leibowitz did seem like he might be the young wiseguy to weasel his way behind the desk if Dave went too far. Then he became Prince of Comedy Central, with Mister One-Raised-Eyebrow joining him as another darling of the PBS and NPR crowd.

For his fairly narrow audience, who might finish watching his show by reading a book by a Sedaris to chuckle their way to sweet dreams, Leibowitz spared no face-making. Had Mister One-Raised-Eyebrow not snapped up the Letterman gig, it might well have gone to Leibowitz. After all, on a bad night, Dave has annoyed people with a lot of pointless face-making. But that's the difference. HE did it because it WAS pointless. Leibowitz did it because he had to dinosaur-take every line and hammer home every eye-rolling tongue-lolling agonized and dripping irony.

Give him credit. 16 years. He lasted a lot longer than Piers Morgan on CNN, who many would consider the ultimate in "annoying, whiny, smug, patronizing, pedantic little git." The difference is that compared to Leibowitz, visually, facially, Morgan was Buster Keaton.

"Your prison sentence...two years...four years...uh, YOU do the math."

Well, I'm sure there are more English majors than math majors at the Daily News.

Typo Positive : Rosie O'Donnell Obscures The View

Maybe the Daily News did it intentionally?

Rosie O'Donnell didn't discuss her departure from The View. Surely there was a better phrase to use here:

You don't have to be Donald Trump, the well-known Rosie hater, to know that the "elephant in the room," any room, is Rosie herself.

A Commercial Announcement from Werner Klemperer

Deadliest Typo Ever

People sometimes ask, "Well, what's so bad about a typo? It's not the end of the world. People know what the real word is."

Yes? I don't think these people would appreciate being addressed in typo-fashion. Mr. Dole wouldn't want to be Mr. Dope. George Clooney's wife Amal wouldn't want to be called Anal.

Here's the case of a typo that led to an entire business collapsing. Read it for yourself.

TYPO Positive: That Play Was Wrong from the Inception!

OK, maybe the London Daily FAIL doesn't actually know American football terms...

This reminds me of an old (intentional) Tommy Smothers line. He talked about being at his brother's wedding: "We had a great time at the wedding, and then went upstairs for the conception!"

Dick: "RECEPTION!"

No proofreader was at the Fail to correct the word to "INTERCEPTION."