JESUS and GOFUNDME have let VANITY DIE

What can you say?

WHAT can you believe in??

We don't expect Jesus to answer our every whimsical request to be spared, but...GOFUNDME didnt work either?

The other day "Prince protege" Vanity passed on. The media ran photos of how the 57 year-old looked at 27, and played up her association with Prince, which was long over.

Vanity also ran vintage photos of herself, including some choice portraits on her doomed GOFUNDME paeg.

While she wasn't yet a star when I was editing ROCKET, I certainly remember her from when I was the music editor at OUI. I was interviewing a wide variety of erotic rockers. I think she may have been too elite for us back then, but it's sobering to see so many from that vintage now obscure, signing autographs at memorabilia shows, or appearing in the obit columns. OK, then there's Lita Ford. I interviewed her for OUI, and now she's written a tell-all book to die for. Gosh, she bedded Sambora AND Bon Jovi. That's better than turning up on the obituary page. Really.

While a Stevie Nicks or Ann Wilson (from Heart) have kind fans and can still get it done even if they aren't quite the lookers they used to be, Vanity was long past competing with Beyonce or Rihanna and was suffering the typical miseries of the middle-aged.

Jesus wasn't answering her prayers, but the SAVIOR of our age, GOFUNDME? The INTERNET couldn't save her either???

Ms. Matthews was hoping to raise $50,000 for her medical bills.

Her GOFUNDME campaign started way back in September of 2015, and never got much attention. Or money. At the time of her death, 17 months after starting her GOFUNDME campaign, she wasn't even 20% toward her goal. Did people think Prince or Obamacare would be enough?

The Lord can be as cold and indifferent as a WiFi outage, or malware on a free download of Prince albums off Kickass.

At a time like this, some may find their faith shaken. They may be wondering, what went wrong? Was Jesus annoyed that He was not being asked directly, and that somehow $50,000 in mere medication and medical equipment was needed to do what He could do alone? Was he irritated that being the Prince of Peace, he was still playing second to Prince? As in "nothing compares 2 u, PRINCE?" Perhaps this isn't the time to ask such questions? Sorry for putting that in the form of a question.

Despite using vintage pictures and writing a very moving plea, complete with references to The Lord, it was all in vain for the lady once called VANITY.

SAIMA AHMAD Vows KIT-KAT REVENGE

Furious at the Kit-Kat company, British Millennial SAIMA AHMAD declared, "I'm MAD!" Although she may have just said "Ahmad."

Newspapers and world leaders are worried this chocolate crisis could lead to a meltdown.

Some fear this law student, a "self-entitled Muslim Millennial," is not joking or seeking publicity, but is starting a serious attack on Western ways.

They fear she has been radicalized by England's notorious blind cleric who has a fork for a hand. An ex-Jew now fanatically devoted to Islam and living inside a holy building, Imam Mosque-witz declares: "Holy Moses and Allah-Kazam! I didn't migrate to Great Britain just to fit in and wear a bowler hat and talk about the latest episode of "Coronation Street." Kit-Kat must be neutered!"

When pressed for a reason, the Imam said, "Candy is not serious food, like lamb. It's frivolous. Was Kit-Kat around when Muhammad walked the Earth? No. Then it should not be around now. The only exception might be the Yorkie Bar. After all, the label says "not for girls." They have the right idea."

The more bad publicity the Kit-Kat company gets, the more likely a reprisal. The head of the company was ambushed and had a quart of frozen dessert dumped on his head by a radical member of ICES.

Prepared for trouble, the Joyva factory, announced it has enforcers to guard them. Few mobs have dared to cross their notorious "Jell Ring."

"We feel fairly safe," said a Joyva spokesman. "Can we all just live in pieces? Pieces of halvah? How about we send the Imam some of our halvah? Ms. Ahmad, too."

Asked if halvah, made from crushed seseme seeds, would be all right, the Imam stabbed his fork into the table, raised the table and shouted, "You are trying to confuse me! I call on Saima Ahmad to set the record straight!"

Ahmad, wearing a burqa that looked suspiciously like a huge Hershey Bar wrapper, declared, "I still would rather have a LIFETIME's supply of Kit-Kat bars. That's my lifetime, not the lifetime of some Jewish store keeper in Paris. I'll say this: halvah is ok if you cover it with nougat."

The Imam was astonished. He thought Ahmad was radicalized, but she was only caramelized.

"This is worse than a cartoon of Muhammad," said the Imam. "I am contacting my friends Jihadi Mounds, Jihadi Almond Joy and the M&M twins (Mahmoud and Yourmoud) and their father (Badmoud). I hope they will create converts: convert candy factories to pita bread bakeries and date plantations. Arab food is good for you. Candy is bad for you. My Slogan: "Feel awful or falafel!"

Prime Minister David Camoron declared, "I am hopeful there will be a peaceful end to this crisis. I want to reason with Ms. Ahmad. Aside from a YEAR'S SUPPLY of free candy bars, I'll throw in free tickets to every Zayne Malik concert and every Amir Khan fight. We love Muslims in Great Britain. Absolutely adore them. I don't go anywhere without a pocketful of hummus."

Cadbury, already anticipating problems in the future, has announced, "In deference to the sensitivity of Muslims, we will NO LONGER make Cadbury chocolate Easter Eggs. We will however make Ramadan Marzipan. Is that ok? Please don't hurt us!"

Saima Ahmad said: "I didn't mean to BLOW this out of proportion," she grinned as several people winced. "All I was complaining about was I didn't get my wafer."

It was then that the Imam knocked her down with one punch. (Thoughtfully, he used his real hand, not the one that has the fork at the end). He shouted, "Wafer? You didn't get your WAFER? Waddya think this is, Communion??"