Gee, NYPL, do you get Free Porn with the Internet Access? And only $15 worth of late fees!

We all LOVE the NYPL.

No, seriously, I do volunteer work for the NYPL, and since I'm modest about such things, I'll just add that the group I'm with raises about $100,000 annually, donated to the NYPL.

It's nice to see that they're doing good things, like giving free wi-fi to people. I mean, we all know BOOKS are on their way out. Who the hell buys books? Few even want to take them out of the library free. Used books have germs and stains on them.

Eventually, the NYPL will be nothing more than a set of Internet terminals, most of them seating smelly guys surfing Internet porn. You know, thanks to the ACLU (the Aroma Civil Liberties Union) people who stink are ENTITLED to sit anywhere they like. YOU can move if you don't like it.

Here's the fabulous deal. And yes, I'm glad they are spending the money on something OTHER than buying BOOKS to put on shelves. Boo, to books!

Truly, one must pity people who have access to a two thousand dollar CELLPHONE but somehow, can't afford Internet. One must also pity people who can accord a computer, and other luxuries (including spawning children), but, what, don't have the "triple play" feature of cable for their TV, service for their phone, and INTERNET access???

The NYPL used to have several bookstores in their branches. People donated books, and the money went to the library. The library had books they didn't want, and these were sold. Now? Now, I think there are only TWO used bookstores left. The Mid-Manhattan...is NOT one of them. They are Webster and St. Agnes. Call it forward thinking. Boo to BOOKS!

The rules for free wi-fi are damn generous. I like the one about "you must have less than $15 in outstanding fines." In four decades, I've never even paid a fine. I've returned the stuff on time. But some people, well, you have to commiserate. They get a bunch of books to use as a door stop, and they forget to return them.

The important thing for kids is to "raise their digital exposure," which would mean, as early as possible, seeing Kim Kardashian's ass and Caitlyn Jenner's freakish face. What else does the Internet have. PORN. Lots of it. What else raises the digital exposure for each and every snookums? They should learn, as early as possible, how hilarious it is to see people with acid burns or broken limbs. One must become much less sensitive to suffering, you know. Go to ROTTEN dot com, or just check out the NY Post or the London Daily Mail or all the other websites that instantly show you atrocity photos for entertainment.

Happily, news of this latest give-away will spread and every scammer will show proof of being 18 and having at least one kid in the school system, and they'll ALL follow the rule that "devices are due back to the library by July 5, 2018." After all, you're limiting all this free good stuff to people who only have $15 in outstanding fees.

Obscure Joke of the Month

"Thank you for individual perception..."

Pray for an end to "PRAY FOR..." TWEETS and FACEBOOK MEMES

Yes, I have enough pet peeves to fill a Petco department store.

It's always nice when OTHERS share SOME of them. The BBC recently cautioned against jittery twits who tweet "PRAY FOR..." any time something happens.

First off, WHO the HELL are you praying to? You're praying to the GOD who caused the disaster? GOD has created a hurricane or an earthquake or a famine, and YOU are telling people to do what? Second-guess God's decision? The Lord moves in mysterious ways so SHUT THE FUCK UP.

This wasn't exactly how a BBC writer put it, but I appreciate that he tried to alert people as to how hazardous it is to make a mush out of a #hashtag emergency:

While not as life-threatening when it's on FACEBOOK, it's just as annoying that knee-jerks can't do anything better than panic and demand everybody PRAY.

Not even donate. Not go out and help. Just PRAY.

It reminds me of the old joke that all the hack comics used to tell circa 1960. It goes like this:

"We were aboard the airplane when we ran into turbulence. An engine blew out. A woman stood up and said, "EVERYBODY PRAY!" And I said, "I don't know how to pray." And she said, "DO SOMETHING RELIGIOUS!" So I took up a collection."

A variation on it ends with, "...so I started a bingo game."

Fortunately cooler heads prevail. Most people don't behave like ostriches and instead, they take action in an emergency. If they are old, incapacitated, or nowhere near the disaster, they feel better and assuage their guilt by sending a donation to the Red Cross. They can send money to Planned Parenthood so there would be less idiots in the world who live in ridiculous locations that are always having hurricanes and earthquakes. Or they can send a few bucks to Amazon and buy a copy of Dale Carnegie's "How to Stop Worrying."

In Putting Out Music...I JOIN THE OBSCURE

"It's the new paradigm," they say. "You GO DIGITAL. You put your songs on Spotify and YOUTUBE. They STREAM!"

Well, piss streams, too. And it peters out. And it's flushed down the drain.

The reality is that there's SO MUCH OUT THERE, the average singer/songwriter is lucky to be noticed at all. This includes the artist who re-issues out of print material, and once-known artists with new material to offer.

All things must pass, eh? "Everything Passes" is a song on the comeback album from Gunhill Road. In two years, only 50 people have bothered to stream it free:

One thing most people know about me, is that I always championed unique artists. When I was the editor at ROCKET, I had 100 pages to play with, so aside from talking to Billy Joel or Gene Simmons, I put in a page or two for Katy Moffatt, Andy Pratt or Andy Bown. The first time the rock group City Boy saw their name on a cover of a magazine...it was ROCKET.

When I was music editor at OUI, and wherever else I freelanced, I liked to give space to deserving talent. When I had my own radio show, I played tracks by Ron Nagle and Sarah Kernochan alongside somewhat better known performers such as Curved Air and Fanny. (I said SOMEWHAT better known). If I played a rocking Rolling Stones track, I might follow it with "Snowblind" from Judy Henske. If I played James Taylor, maybe the next segue would be an even more sensitive number from Phil Ochs.

I played Randy Newman when he wasn't wasn't known. After two albums tanked, Reprise sent DJ's a live album to promote him. It ended up being released. One track "Lonely at the Top," was so ironic, Randy chuckled as he sang, "all the money that I have made." And now? No publicity machines anymore. No record stores. And a lot of artists don't quit their day jobs. Maybe Kanye will tell you it's lonely at the top. I can tell you it's NOT lonely at the bottom; there's LOTS of people down her with me! GUNHILL ROAD, who once had a Top 20 hit, is on MY label, CD Baby. In two years, songs on their new album have barely averaged 50 hits? Then I don't feel so bad that in a year, songs on MY album have averaged maybe 25.

Nothing will change Gunhill Road's numbers or mine. Being a networking pest? No, that does not work. I'm not even on FACEBOOK pestering people with links to my YouTube songs. Gunhill Road is on FACEBOOK and they don't "network" that way. They know the futility of it, and the embarrassment. Martin Briley is on FACEBOOK and he'd rather post some Anti-Trump meme than a plug for the last album of originals he did. 135 views in TWO YEARS? On a Martin Briley song??

Briley, or Gunhill Road, could sell out The Bitter End if they bothered. They might break even doing it. That's about it. Most artists of the same age, even higher up on the chain, don't do much better. Donovan was at The Cutting Room. Dave Davies and Nick Lowe were at City Winery. These are not large venues. Many reputable performers such as Lowe, Andy Bown or Genya Ravan are on an indie label if they're releasing new material at all.

I've had well known artists grumble that they wish they weren't on SPOTIFY at all; they get THOUSANDS of hits, but a royalty check that barely gives them dinner for two. YOUTUBE is even more humiliating, because everyone can see the small number of hits. I didn't put out major label vinyl. Andy Pratt, Raun MacKinnon, Nannette Natal and Sarah Kernochan did. Anyone curious about their work, or want to hear rare demos? Apparently not.

Pratt...208, Raun...18. Sarah...8. Nanette...1. These are on YOU TUBE videos that have been up longer than mine. In one case, 3 years. Do I feel better about myself? I suppose. Misery loves company.

One might argue that a major interest at YOUTUBE would be bootlegs. Well, how many blurry Bob Dylan or Neil Young videos do you want to see? They don't even get a penny from them. As for the uploaders, they don't do that well either. If a video gets 1,000 hits, that might equal lunch...at Burger King. Somebody doesn't really enjoy the show because he's peering through a camcorder and periodically checking to see if anyone's coming after him, and shielding the viewing screen from people around him who don't like the distraction...and he gets a few nickels and dimes and a few LIKES on YOUTUBE.

When my label put my album on YOUTUBE, I wondered what the point was. To get publicity? To snag some streaming income? It seems to me that if your album is easily available on YouTube (or Spotify) there's less reason to buy it. The numbers for streams, at my level, or the level of Van Dyke Parks, is just not worth the effort. I had no idea Parks put out an indie record three years ago. Apparently, few others knew it either. His label has it on YOU TUBE and in three years...about 300 hits per song. Lovely.

For those under 25, who do "cover versions" of hugely popular artists, the reward is maybe ten times the number of views that a geezer gets. That's still a piss-poor number. How long before these dewy-eyed dopes give up? (I borrowed "dewy eyed dopes" from a song with lyrics by Oscar Hammerstein II. I doubt many could identify which song I'm quoting.) Here's a dewy-eyed dope:

Bad news? Oh, it's NICE to tell people, "Yes, I have an album out...you can hear it on Spotify. Just type my name at YouTube." It's NICE but few bother to do it, just as few bother to "network" on Twitter or Facebook to try and get the numbers up.

As is the case in the book world, where the INITIAL BRIGADE (J.K. Rowling, George R.R. Martin, E.L. James) still make money, the big shots do very well on YOU TUBE. An article in TIME magazine listed all the fabulous songs of the summer. No, I never heard of any of 'em, and I wouldn't want to listen to any of 'em. But people did, in droves. Rather than buy singles, or listen to the radio (which is what kids like ME did), Millennials simply stream the songs any time they wanna hear 'em. Maybe they use a gizmo like KeepVid if they get bored with streaming, and download the mp3 portion "illegally."

Wowie. In case you can't read the fine, fine print, in listing the top hits of the summer, TIME did not quote SALES, but instead, YOUTUBE VIDEO VIEWS. Even with the skimpy royalties YOUTUBE pays, if you get millions of views, you DO make good money. Mmm, look at all the shitty, sound-alike, vocoder, crappy "BEATS" and mindless lyric drivel that did so well:

Kendrick Lamar, 284 million hits, Bruno Mars 855 million, French Montana 277 million. Ed Sheeran, 2.1 billion. Luis Fonsi featuring Justin Bieber 3.3 billion.

"It's the new paradigm." And for us older folks, a pair of dimes is about all we get.

Exo-Click and the Naked Porn Exo-Skeleton In its Closet

Yes, if you're going to be lurid, dirty and disgusting, DO NOT COMPETE WITH THE NEW YORK POST.

You know the Post. It's the fabulous tabloid that loves to show Blac Chyna "rocking" a thong or a Kardashian having an intentional wardrobe malfunction during an unintentional brain fart. Whether you want to see it or not, the Post will show it to you.

But, for a change, if you want to see nasty "revenge" porn, you'll have to go back to the usual suspects, like CelebJihad (which has that hilarious fake Taylor Swift video porn) or eBay.

Yeah, eBay, where, despite many complaints and VeRO stoppages, sellers offer nasty fake porn on underage Emma Watson right out in the open. Right? Right:

Try calling up eBay's phone support and asking why THAT picture is on their site where teenagers can see it and buy it. The reply would be, "Not to worry. This is a violation of our policies. I will forward this to our trust and safety division." Who will do nothing. Oh, and PAYPAL will give you the same scripted stutter. "Saliva dripping from their smiles."

But gosh, ONE revenge porn site down:

It should be easy to shut down rogue websites that operate in "international waters." It should also be easy to block copyright infringing blogs in Croatia (where we have do-nothing fat-cat overpaid "diplomats"). No country that doesn't believe in U.S. law should have blatantly criminal websites visible in America. BUT...most efforts to allow ISP's to block websites have failed. "Freedom of Speech" you know. Posting revenge porn or every Beach Boys album is, uh, "Freedom of Speech."

All over the Internet, sleazy creeps like Exo-Click are giving an income to music bootleggers, book thieves and anyone else who can download an avi, ePub or mp3 file. There doesn't seem to be any shortage of immortal swine who place banner ads on all the pirate sites that offer free downloads of copyrighted material. Many of these sites do NOT recognize DMCA takedown requests, and some (Pirate Bay) even post the requests with snickers and jeers.

It seems that just about the only thing that bothers anyone, for the moment, is pedophile porn. That's about the only thing guaranteed to bring the wrong kind of "heat." Revenge porn? Go ask CelebJihad what they're up to, if not revenge and misogyny against any successful and attractive woman. Go ask EBAY why they don't automatically shut down sellers who graft a picture of underage Amy Watson from her "Harry Potter" days onto a stolen porn image.

X-rated Exo-Skeletons are rattling all over the Internet. Just Google a few dirty words and you'll find them. Google, of course, is the prime way that people find any pirate who, sponsored by creeps like Exo-Click, makes a fortune off other peoples' copyrights and intellectual property.

Is there a copy editor at the DAILY NEWS? The Jake LaMotta obit says...

Here's a paragraph from the NY DAILY NEWS online obit for fighter Jake LaMotta.

LaMotta's match "had to be called off." Just because Cerdan died in a plane crash? Sort of a feeble excuse, ya think? "Jake, we were thinking of letting the fight go on, because some of us believe in zombies. But...well, he PROBABLY had every bone in his body broken. It might be tough to transport him. I guess we'll just HAVE to call this one off...I know it's kind of a feeble excuse..."

Ladies Who Lunch and Authors Who Tweet - A HEADS UP

Here's RUTH WARE on TWITTER:

MMMMM. LUNCH.

Here's RUTH WARE on EBAY.

MMMMM. PIRACY.

Crapathy, anyone? OK, in this case, let's say that Ruth isn't in the habit of checking eBay to see how her books are selling, what a signed copy goes for, etc. She might not be aware that eBay, the "respected" website, allows thieves for whom English isn't even a second language, to steal and steal and steal.

But too often, seasoned authors who DO know, like Stephen King, J.K. Rowling, E.L. James and George R.R. Martin spend way too much time TWEETING, and could either be spending TWO MINUTES a week checking eBay, or having a fan or friend do it.

One of my books was serialized in the New York Daily News over five days, and it was the COVER story on the Sunday edition. Pretty nice.

I can guarantee you, that if some asshole was bootlegging me on eBAY, I would've taken time from my mmmmmmmm LUNCH to send in a DMMMMMMMMMCA takedown.

It seems too many authors not only write badly, and are total hacks, but they don't know simple kindergarten sentences like: PIRACY IS BAD.

Isn't that true, George R.R.? It's not just about YOU, and whether you'd rather live in your fantasy world and cash your checks, it's about your responsibility to keep bookstores and libraries alive.