Monday, February 13, 2012

LIKE A CRUCIFIX - Wendy Williams and Whitney Houston on a Stick

Well beyond the "We will always love you" mantra that was in the air, far more heartfelt than the "My condolences!" Tweets, or all those people who instantly thought up, "She sang like an angel...now she's WITH the angels..."

....there was Wendy Williams. While the cruel London Daily Mail pointed out the hundreds of millions of dollars Houston blew on drugs, the failed concerts, the excesses, the scandals, the missed chances, the lack of hits in the past ten years, the Diva behavior, the bail-outs from Clive Davis...here was a time to once again remember a singer who sang a few pop ballads that up till last week, couldn't sell for a dollar a CD on eBay.

In the course of about eight minutes, she expressed her emotions on the subject of Whitney Houston. But that was certainly not good enough. Some kind of avatar was needed. Some kind of...

...An actual photo of Whitney on a Stick....


...But even so...that's just ONE photo of Whitney on a Stick. Why not, make sure all the girls in the audience have a photo of Whitney on a Stick, too?

What if they're all thinking "My condolences" and "So Sad" and "We will always love you" as they hold these up?


Whitney The Angel has cable in heaven. And believe me as you believe in God: she was watching. And she loves every one of you audience members of The Wendy Williams Show. You did not hold your Whitney On a Stick photo in vain.

GRAMMY SHOWS, ZINA GOES

I actually watched the Grammy show last night. Sort of. Mostly with the sound off until somebody remotely tolerable was on. Which wasn't often.

Jazz artists and classical artists totally ignored. Anyone even mention who won the Grammy for best comedy album? Do they still do one for album notes?? The "obit" section wasn't bad. But they went by a lot of people real fast. They could've at least played four notes of the Perry Mason theme to honor Fred Steiner. Who also wrote the snappy theme for "The Bullwinkle Show."

Saw the usual C&W moron with the fat face and a giant hat. The giant hat obscured most of his fat face. The important thing is for the C&W moron to signal everyone, "OK, it's time to hear that same ballad Garth Brooks always sang, so it's time for the fridge and bathroom break." Which most people do at the same time, eating what they grabbed from the bridge while squatting on the pot.

Rap morons and their R&B divas wearing the extravagant and moronic outfits that made this show so uncool for 70's music fans. Now it's back to "look at my expensive clothes." I don't see much difference between a jerk like Bruno Mars and Robert Goulet.

Macca actually did a nice job on his faux 40's ballad, and gave the crowd a goodnight blast by going from the the peculiar and raspy "Golden Slumbers" into some Abbey Road rock that ended with some assembled guitar heroes taking turns with the "let's all watch each other do guitar riffs" thing. This included grimacing Joe Walsh, and "The Boss" himself with his six-strings sounding like egg-beaters trick, and others trying to outdo each other in look-at-my-dick symbolism.

Nice that the crowd still enjoys, after 30 years, the utter cliche of Brooooose opening a show with a sound-alike anthem, standing up there and grinding his guitar at his knee, like he's the common man diggin' a ditch. With that little soul patch under his lip. And that increasingly fat and ugly Corporal Klinger sidekick running over to swap spit into Brooooose's microphone with him. That never gets old.

I would not be surprised if, 30 years from now, it's revealed that Broooooose and Little Steven were actually lovers all those years, like J. Edgar Hoover and Clyde Tolson.

Adele is interesting. She sings like she lives in a palace and talks like she lives in a garbage can. What terrible part of England is she from? Her speaking voice could rip the skin off a dead fish. At least she's honest about who she is.

Lady Gaga wore some kind of net over her face, as if she isn't beyond toxic already.


Everyone loved the constant "Whitney, we will always love you" ad-libs. Mostly used to get the audience to start applauding. "Are we having fun? Isn't tonight about the music???" It's worth mentioning that abuse of prescription drugs now causes more deaths than car accidents. But we'll return to car accidents in a moment.

Wendy Williams was sniffing and sobbing this morning, just devastated by the loss of an artist who nobody paid any attention to for nearly a decade. Who was the subject of fecal impacting jokes on "Saturday Night Live" instead. Remember that? Maya Rudolph doing her Whitney impression, talking about how "real love" was sitting on the toilet while Bobby Brown helped pull what was stuck in her bottom? This is no time to be a realist, and she was a beauty and a talent, but up until the other day, if you had any old vinyl or a CD on Houston, it couldn't get a dollar on eBay. That's part of what being a pop star of the 80's is all about. The price for true immortality is often your life.

Wendy holds up an 8x10 of Whitney Houston attached to a tongue depressor, and...asks for a moment of silence. Flash to the ENTIRE AUDIENCE holding up the same 8x10 on a wooden stick, like it's a church and everyone's holding a crucifix. At least some people do remember Jesus once a year. As long as they get gifts.

Last but not least, lost amid this morning's tributes to the Grammy show and Whitney, here's some news about the odd-named actress Zina Bethune, who briefly was in the fan mags when she starred in "The Nurses" several generations ago. She suffered from various ailments, worked to educate people, was a force in charity, had her name attached to many beneficial causes. While we continue with the Whitney commercial ("you're soaking in it!") we continue without Zina Bethune.

She saw an injured animal in Griffith Park, got out of her car to get across the road and see if she could help it, and she was clipped by a hit and run driver and mowed down by a second. Dead at 67.

Too bad she wasn't playing the radio in her car, and the Whitney song "I yee-iii-yeee-i" wasn't playing in tribute. The car alarm song might've slowed down traffic and saved her life.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

MEET...KIM JUNG UN

They gave us some laughs as a double...I just don't think Kim Jung Un is ready to solo. I still have their first album, which came in a longbox cardboard CD package.

The Mayweather vs Ortiz Controversy

Victor Ortiz claims he tried to butt Roger Mayweather in the nose because Roger had hit him with his elbows.

Let's be thankful that Ortiz didn't try to nose Roger Mayweather in the butt. The man just might've been so out of control he'd try it!

In the heat of action, nobody could find an instant replay of Mayweather elbowing, but this freeze-frame, which I obtained by some fan named Zapruder, and had authenticated by Oliver Stone shows...

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

He treated "All Patients Sick and Crazy." My father, Dr. Philip H. Smith

An obit for my father, who died this morning at the age of 94.

A writer before he became a doctor, the name Philip Smith turned up in student magazines and newspapers at N.Y.U., and in what he called “little magazines,” the various literary journals of the day. A few of his poems were anthologized in “The Yearbook of Modern Poetry 1939.”

Following medical school at Middlesex, he interned at Jamaica Hospital in 1942, and then became a medic in the Army. Captain Smith was overseas in 1944, in both Great Britain and France. After the war, he married (June of 1946) and opened his office in the Bronx. A few years ago, his health failing, he celebrated his 64th wedding anniversary. He received a cake, and much love from all of us, me, my mother, my sister. He had a good time, but he at one point he said to my mother, "I'm sorry...I didn't get you anything." Being housebound, we all understood. What he gave us was just being there, in good spirits, and always with an unpredictable, funny observation.

My father built the practice up, moving from Tremont Avenue to the Grand Concourse, and once the business was settled, and I and my sister were in junior high and high school, he returned to his love of writing, and as a hobby, turned out speculative fiction.

“A Miracle Too Many” was published in “Fantasy and Science Fiction” magazine, and then anthologized in Japan and via “10th Annual Edition The Year’s Best S-F,” edited by Judith Merrill. Among the other authors in that anthology, which was issued in both hardcover and paperback, were Isaac Bashevis Singer, Arthur C. Clark, Thomas M. Disch, John D. MacDonald and Fritz Leiber.


In 1979, he published his memoir, “Doctor!”

The book was originally titled “NYMD,” but as “Nurse” had come out fairly recently, the book company figured “Doctor” would have a place alongside it.

It takes time, concentration and often great determination to write a book, and my father did this while performing a demanding job that required office hours often six days a week, duty in hospitals, and, yes, house calls. My mother, Bernice Smith, said that one of his most remarkable traits was his determination, his "strength of character."

Since he was so amiable, so pleasant, this will power was never a negative. It manifested itself in the discipline to become a doctor, to write a book, and to quit smoking. My father decided one day that he wouldn't smoke anymore, so he literally threw out his collection of expensive pipes (much to my mother's astonishment) and that was it. When he decided to learn judo, he went at it with single-minded purpose, and there he'd be, practicing falls on the living room carpet. When he was in his late 80's and advised not to drive anymore, he sold his car within 24 hours. And my mother knew this trait in Dad from the start...they'd gone out on a blind date and were married within a few months.

In the early 1980's, with the Bronx deteriorating and many doctors finding it simply too dangerous to maintain an office along the once splendid Grand Concourse, Dr. Smith gave up his practice after some 30 years. I remember one summer I filled in for his vacationing receptionist, and he'd told me, "If a drug addict comes in, don't argue with him. This is where I keep the morphine. Give it to him." It had become that perilous in the neighborhood.

Though he closed his office, he wasn’t closing the door on his lifelong profession. Instead, he began working for the Veterans Hospital in Montrose, his patient roster heavy with not just physical but emotional casualties from various wars. He had to use all his skills, and learn new ones, to handle the challenge of wards filled with men with mental problems, some of them potentially violent.

The result of the experience was a revised, expanded and re-titled version of “Doctor.” Now, in addition to being an “inside look” into what your family doctor is all about, the book added amazing chapters to become...”All Patients Sick and Crazy.”

As with “Doctor” tying in to “Nurse,” this title was chosen to perhaps position the book next to “All Creatures Great and Small.” The book had a great cover photo and the back cover copy mentioned that the new book “takes us to three distinct settings”:

As combat physician during World War II, he had some field hospital experiences that make MASH look mild...
After the war, Dr. Smith settles into the unsettling position of general practictioner in a riotously mixed neighborhood in the Bronx...With some of the funniest and most unusual patients any doctor has ever seen, the G.P. learns that common sense and empathy are often the best medicine.
The final phase of Dr. Smith’s career brings him to a Veterans Hospital that serves the mentally ill. The wild scenes...make “One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest” look tame. One lovesick patient gives the nurse the eye -- taking his glass eye right out of the socket!”



The book I think was a good reflection of the man, as well as the doctor and the writer...the anecdotes showed him to be a nice cynic, a kind realist, someone who knew human nature but felt a sense of duty and humanity anyway.

By the late 80’s and early 90’s, styles had changed in what was left of the science fiction and fantasy magazines, as well as the world of mystery books. He wrote a pair of novels after the publication of “All Patients Sick and Crazy,” but could not find a market for them without extensive re-writes...something that was too much like work. He did appreciate that he had two published writers in the family now.

My first novel appeared in 1993, years after the publication of my first best-selling non-fiction book, ‘Cosby.’ Since my father loved jokes so much, I dedicated “The Comedy Quote Dictionary” to him. It was published in 1992 by Doubleday. My sister April, fresh from her television success with made-for-TV movies (including “Kovacs,” starring Jeff Goldblum) and her work as writer, story editor and producer on “Lou Grant” and “Cagney and Lacy,” began turning out thrillers in 1994 (“North of Montana”). “For my father,” was the dedication on “Good Morning Killer,” which was published in 2003.

With or without a dedication on a page, much of what April and I have written, and will write, has been colored, inspired, and pointed to completion by the philosphy, spirit and love of words that came from our father.

Philip H. Smith, MD. (April 5, 1917-December 6, 2011)