Friday, September 29, 2017

Whatever became of classical music?

Today I went to a pianist's concert. He had the usual awards, and he had recorded for a small label that seemed sort of familiar, but not quite. According to his bio, he had started his own record label, apparently just to release his own recordings and sell them at his shows.

His concert was free. There are venues, especially colleges, that welcome this type of thing. They either pay the artist an "honorarium," or pay a compliment instead: "you get free airfare and hotel for the weekend, and we will invite you to a celebratory dinner with the Dean." The concert itself is free to students and faculty and, perhaps, the general public if the hall is big enough and the odds of filling it small.

Well, why not go to a free classical concert once in a while? The artist in question was getting good reviews as a Chopin interpreter, had recorded a cycle of Mozart concertos, and had a repertoire that included most of the standards, with only a few modern items that might try anyone's patience, like stepping on Glass.

I had a fleeting thought: why is this guy sticking with Chopin, and THOSE guys? Is it that the dwindling audience for classical expects this? Is it that the few people who actually want to see a live pianist would want to see a live rendition of works by famous composers that are less well known now than Taylor Swift and Kanye West?

I thought, maybe this guy could expand his bookings or get more attention if, instead of competing with the huge catalog of Chopin on CD, he featured lesser known but worthy composers, like, oh, Amy Beach or...Billy Joel. Has anyone added Billy Joel to the classical repertoire, or do they stop at Alkan and Satie? Was Billy's album, now sixteen years old, given any serious reviews in the first place?

I checked online and began to read some of the reviews on Billy, and most, reflecting on him being such a nice guy, were nice. Or tolerant. People Magazine, who probably didn't even have a regular columnist for classical, had somebody who probably spoke for the average Joel fan: "Joel’s Kubla-Khan-in-the-Hamptons lifestyle may be going to his head. Bottom Line: We liked you just the way you were." The more serious Gramophone, allowed, "For these 10 works‚ composed during the past eight years‚ are nothing less than a nostalgic look back at the piano pieces of Chopin‚ Liszt and other masters of the keyboard recreated in their image by someone who clearly has a soft spot for them...it would be a delusion itself to suggest there was more on offer here than a set of pastiche pieces. Joo plays all of them sympathetically and is recorded in sound that leaves nothing to be desired."

Most reviewers felt the material was imitative of the composers he grew up playing. Billy didn't play these pieces himself; he hired his friend Richard Joo, who obviously never became very well known as a concert artist. Who knows, he might be teaching somewhere, or playing free concerts at colleges. I interviewed Billy longer than 16 years ago, and he did mention being classically trained. Was he doing anything more than a tribute to Liszt or Chopin by writing in their styles? Not really. Was he expanding on the more modern romantic works of Ravel or Alkan? Not really.

Does anyone care about classical music these days? NOT REALLY. So the future for most classical pianists who put in an aching amount of hours perfecting their craft, is playing free concerts, relying on grants, selling CDs after the show, and probably teaching. It's been several generations since people went to concerts by the rivals Rubinstein and Horowitz and then walked into a record store asking for an album. It's been several generations since anyone could name a famous conductor (Bernstein!) Who was the last superstar pianist? Kissin? Brendel? How many people in a major city know the name of their orchestra's conductor. Tell me, anyone in San Francisco, Chicago, Boston, London, New York...

In many places, the ballet, the opera, the symphony hall...are in danger of closing.

In researching the apathy toward Billy Joel's album, I came across a grim piece back in 2001 which I thought I'd simply quote rather than link. It's wonderfully snarky about what passed for "classical" music then and is just as accurate now. In fact moreso, because there hasn't been anyone taking the place of pop singers like Bocelli, or pseudo-classical composers like Sir Paul.

This piece comes from the Telegraph (UK) and is by Norman Lebrecht. Bring on the snarky truth, Norm:

05 Dec 2001

FORTY years ago, just before the Beatles turned the world on its head, one in every five records bought and sold across the world was classical. About 20 years ago, in the rainbow dawn of compact disc, classics accounted for 10 per cent of global sales. This year, classical music is down to three per cent, and falling.

Gloomy as this might seem, we have not hit bottom yet. This week's top-selling "classical" album in the US is piano music composed by Billy Joel, a faded rock star. The top two albums in Britain are punched out by Russell Watson, an industrial-strength tenor who assaults football terraces with pop ballads and ice-cream arias in marshmallowy, Mantovani-like settings.

These are the core of contemporary classics. Were the charts to be purged of such mongrelisms, there is little doubt that classical sales would fall below one per cent and the business would be shut down.

The gentle subsidence of classical labels has been turned, over the past five years, into a full-scale wipeout as corporate executives have sought to justify their six-figure salaries with ever more frantic exhumations of exhausted commercial material. EMI trotted out Sir Paul McCartney with pseudo-classical piano tinklings. Decca dredged up Andrea Boccelli from the Italian pop racks and redesignated Nana Mouskouri in her Seventies spectacles as a classical diva.

Deutsche Grammophon, arbiter of high art, employs the operatic baritone, Bryn Terfel, to squeeze out songs from the movies and the Swedish soprano Anne-Sofie von Otter to duet with a toneless Elvis Costello. Had Sir Elton John not retired from making new records last weekend, his keyboard elegies would by now be the target of a classical bidding war.

The leader in the rush to generic contamination is the label known as Sony Classical, which has come to stand for anything but. Sony is headed by a former orchestral publicist, Peter Gelb, who set out "to redefine the classical label . . . to return to the idea of classical music as an emotional experience for the listener".

His greatest coup so far is the classical rebirth of Billy Joel, who has sold 100 million records in 25 years - which counts as an emotional experience for a corporate boss. Joel, whose gift was sparked at 14 on seeing the Beatles steal the Ed Sullivan Show, hit the big time in 1977 with The Stranger, the biggest-selling album of its day. He won a shelf-load of Grammys and a place in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

But his last big hit was River of Dreams seven years ago. So Billy Joel has fallen back on a boyhood love of Chopin and Schumann, and started turning out little waltzes and reveries for solo piano.

His Fantasies and Delusions, performed by Richard Joo, a British-Korean pianist of previously clean record, was recorded at the Konzerthaus in Vienna by a rigorous classical producer, Steven Epstein. It pays over-fond homage to the great Viennese composers - though perhaps most of all to the wacky Frenchman Erik Satie, whose musique d'ameublement, aural wallpaper, it strongly recalls. This is not music that will stop anyone in his tracks, except perhaps a maitre d'hotel in a palm court lounge.

Sony Classical trots out a line about "growing the classical market" with celebrity glitz, but the excuses sound as hollow as the strategy itself. The rest of Sony's seasonal list is made up of Placido Domingo duetting in Vienna with Tony Bennett, Vanessa Williams and Charlotte Church; of Joshua Bell and John Williams accompanying a banjo man; and of Yo-Yo Ma, the most charismatic of cellists, playing movie themes, tangos and country and western. Only two releases are definably classical - a pair of concertos from the sophomore Hilary Hahn, and a set of orchestral pieces by the Finnish composer Esa-Pekka Salonen, the only conductor left on Sony's books.

Nothing criminal in that: it's a free market and a record label has a right to make an honest buck. Crossover does not cause cancer. Nor does it corrupt youth - if only because youth spends its pocket money on violent rap albums and would not be seen dead listening to something labelled "classical". So where's the harm?

Look at any record store, and you'll see just where. What the Billy Joels and Russell Watsons do is burn up the marketing budgets of the so-called classical labels on which they appear, starving serious music of the oxygen of publicity, space on the shelf and room in the charts. Crossover is not an aid to classical renewal, rather an act of classical euthanasia. Billy Joel, for all his love of good music, is driving a mighty nail into the coffin of classical recording.

* * * * Back to today. Was it a sign that there's still life in the world of classical music...or not?

The noon performance was at a venue seating 500 people. It was almost full. But, it was full of older white people. It would've been a much smaller crowd if you only picked out the people with dark hair. Oh, and two Asians. I saw two Asians.

The program consisted of three sonatas; Schumann, Mozart and Chopin. Safe bets. The artist was excellent, and the crowd gave him a fairly good standing ovation. Remember, these are older white people. Maybe a third couldn't stand. Or not for long. Some, as usual, were tottering for the exit before the encore, which was the most bombastic of the Chopin etudes. I loved it.

The pianist made his way up the left aisle as fast as possible, because...most important...he was signing copies of his CDs. Do NOT have people walk by a table that has some lady selling CDs but no pianist autographing them!

Especially when the CDs are all from your own company. You keep all the profits.

Does this mean that it's still possible to make a living as a classical pianist? Let's not be too pessimistic. It's possible if someone is an excellent performer, is a bit theatrical (striped pants, a dark maroon jacket) and has good facial expressions (this fellow seemed to especially enjoy the more whimsical passages, which had his lips puckering). The back of the free program noted that one could donate and be a "patron" of the noon recitals. The form read: "I wish to make a gift at the following level..."

It started with $10,000. Then $5,000, $2,500, $1,000 and $500. The lowest amount listed was $120. Then there was "OTHER." Which might make you a patron, but a cheap one. You might not even be on the mailing list.

Before the concert began, a rep for the venue turned up onstage to announce next week's attraction, and to remind everyone to donate: "Our concerts are free, but they are not free to produce." They depend on grants, the good nature of the college or university or library putting on the show, and "especially, on generous individuals to provide support."

Support the artist? ME? I generously bought a double Chopin CD for $20, which the artist autographed. Which gave me the opportunity to ask a mild question -- did he listen to previous masters, like Novaes, Rubinstein and Brailowsky, or not want to be influenced? "Of course I listen to past masters," he said, yes, he was finding his own way and his own interpretations.

And is the world interested in what was, after all, excellent but not bizarrely unique versions of classical sonatas? The world's interest seems to shrink more and more. White audiences are shrinking more and more. Classical radio stations are shrinking more and more. People are less interested in going to live shows in general because of the expense, and even free shows require a certain amount of leisure time. And what if this man's show was on at the same time as an NFL game, where one can enjoy watching somebody take a knee because he doesn't like a piece of music he's hearing?

I can only add that as most people know, CD sales have tanked. People don't want them. They don't want DVDs. They don't even want books. What they want on their shelves, I have no idea, but they take no pride in any of THAT stuff. They used to want mp3 files but hell, that could take up an external hard drive the size of ONE BOOK. Now, the preferred method of listening to music is STREAMING, of which there are many free services that imitate the radio stations of old. You can listen to SPOTIFY with some commercials. You can go to YouTube and hear just about any music you want, and with an adblock filter, not even be bothered by a few random commercials.

It turns out the person selling the CDs at the concert was the co-owner of the pianist's record label. I asked her if she was planning on issuing very unusual, esoteric material. I said, "Some small labels seem to thrive by offering offbeat things that haven't been recorded too often. For example, there's hardly any recordings available of Kabalevsky's pieces for the piano, especially the witty and often quite charming pieces he wrote for young pianists just learning the instrument." She said that the label was finding its way. It would release what the artists felt moved to record. If the artist had a fondness for a particular Chopin sonata, Moussorgsky, Tchaikovsky, and wanted his version out there, it would arrive. To be commercial, and be the only label to have Kabalevsky, or a work of Amy Beach or Tausig? Perhaps not.

I volunteer at a charity shop that USED to sell CDs for $3 each. Now it's down to $1. Almost nothing is selling anymore. The last holdouts were the snotty fans of classical music, who would peer with curled lip and narrowed eyes at anything that wasn't SEALED, and hold the CD up to the light, and ask, "Can I return it if there's a problem?"

Most of the creatures who frowned and put back a Naxos CD are now gone. Gone where, I have no idea, since most of them insisted mp3 sound was beneath contempt. My guess is that since there are so few new pianists around, and fewer orchestras creating unique versions of a Beethoven symphony that would rival the dozens already out there, they are content to sit on what they have. They sure as hell aren't experimenting with modern classical composers. Challenging and obscure titles sit until they must be culled and tossed in the trash. Anything from Naxos goes into the trash eventually, as do items from budget labels. Opera tends to go directly to the trash. Even rare imported mono doesn't sell, as the people who rhapsodize over Callas or even Stratas are either dead or dying.

Millennials aren't too interested in classical music, any more than they are interested in black and white movies, or listening to old radio shows. Hell, they not only don't want to listen to "Lights Out," they don't care about "The Twilight Zone." And so the people who barely want an album of "soft" light classics (Pachelbel's Canon) don't even want a "Beethoven's Greatest Hits." The acidic remarks roiling up from the Telegraph reviewer's gizzard, probably couldn't even get printed today. Not for money. How many papers have a movie critic or a book critic, much less a classical music critic? Who reviews CDs anymore?

The good news is that none of this is bad news to Beyonce or Adele.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

ANNE JEFFREYS

There were many reasons to love Anne Jeffreys.

For me, she was, as the announcer said, “the ghostess with the mostest,” teasing Cosmo Topper. To borrow Hawkeye Pierce’s remark on Gene Tierney, she had the world’s sexiest overbite. She was as unique for the role of Marion, as Barbara Eden was for the genie, Elizabeth Montgomery was for the witch, or Julie Newmar was fore the robot…all icons of TV’s golden era.

Jeffreys had the perfect combination of impishness and sexuality, especially for a TV sitcom. There weren’t all that many scenes were she literally let her hair down, and showed off just how sublime she was. Censorship and good taste kept Marion above double entendres and any jokes about just how much she could teach stuffy Cosmo Topper (and wife?) on how to “live.”

For many a baby boomer, Anne Jeffreys was the first awakening of lust. There was more to Marion than there was "Annie Oakley", or the TV housewives led by Donna Reed. Yes, we had "cute" (Shari Lewis) but Anne was fascinating!

Anne Jeffreys told me that “Topper” was not her favorite or most satisfying role. She preferred the stage. She adored musicals, and took over for Patricia Morison (perhaps best remembered now as a villainess in a Basil Rathbone “Sherlock Holmes” movie) in the Broadway hit “Kiss Me Kate.” It fulfilled the promise she showed when she won a scholarship to the New York Municipal Opera Company. Anne had made her Broadway debut years earlier, 1947, when she was able to leave Hollywood and her film roles to appear in “Street Scene” by Kurt Weill.

It was while doing “Kiss Me Kate” that Anne met up with handsome Robert Sterling, divorced from Ann Sothern and appearing in the theater next door in “Gramercy Ghost.” They got married in 1951 and in 1952 co-starred on Broadway in “Three Wishes for Jamie.” They also developed a nightclub act, and then became, forever, the immortal ghosts Marion and George Kirby on “Topper.”

The original ghosts were played by Constance Bennett and Cary Grant, and yet Anne and Robert were hardly compared to that formidable team. That’s how good they were. Ironically, Leo G. Carroll as Cosmo Topper had a few critics complaining that he was imitating the late Roland Young. But Leo had other problems. According to Anne, he was distracted on the set, mourning his late wife. The show’s ghostly theme may have added a bit to his sadness.

While “Topper” was a one-joke show, it was a good one. One of the early writers was Stephen Sondheim, getting his first taste of TV work.

As TV became more and more popular, and indie local stations popped up, the need for new material led to many films being licensed for the small screen. Fans of “Topper” soon discovered that Anne Jeffreys had been a movie star in the 40’s. She was “Tess Trueheart,” girlfriend to Dick Tracy (played by Morgan Conway) in both “Dick Tracy” (1945) and “Dick Tracy vs Cueball” (1946).

The lady born in North Carolina (January 26, 1923) also turned up in plenty of budget westerns at Republic Studios, co-starring with Wild Bill Elliott. She also starred in “Nevada” with Robert Mitchum (1944) and “Return of the Bad Men” with Randolph Scott (1948). She was in “Dillinger” with Lawrence Tierney (1945) and played a nightclub singer in “Riff Raff” (1947).

There was plenty of life after playing the ghost in “Topper.” She and Robert Sterling starred briefly in the sitcom “Love That Jill” in 1958, and she went on to win over a whole new set of fans as Amanda Barrington in the soap opera “General Hospital.” She later played David Hasselhoff’s mother on “Baywatch.” Robert Sterling died in 2006. Anne continued to be a vivacious presence at Hollywood parties and award shows, and remained a classy symbol of elegance and good humor.

She was on that very short list of women both beautiful, and gifted with the ability to make people laugh.

HUGH HEFNER

Hugh Hefner. Friend to boobs.

He was also the patron of those who thought that comedy could be smarter than the boobs who did so well making faces and telling wife jokes…the Jerry and Henny types. And that’s what is ALMOST as important as the legacy of centerfolds on which Hugh Hefner built the Playboy empire.

For me, and I told him this, a big part of Playboy’s legacy is that he gave cartoonists and comedians a place to work, and for good pay. Few seem to remember that Dick Gregory got his start at a Playboy club. Fewer would know that one of the regular Playboy cartoonists was black; Buck Brown. Hefner wrote the liner notes for Will Jordan’s “sick humor” album, and championed both Lenny Bruce and Mort Sahl.

The pages of Playboy featured many satirists, and many of them earned their first decent paycheck thanks to the magazine’s policy of paying far more than they had to. Yes, Playboy also pioneered the in-depth Q&A interview feature (Mort Sahl again was given a prominent shot). Playboy Press published Lenny Bruce’s book.

Playboy’s first issue featured a nude image of Marilyn Monroe. The mag would literally expand on this with a dazzling three-page fold-out, and it would not only create stars (such as Barbi Benton) but help keep stars famous (Farrah Fawcett) and bring back some older favorites (including Nancy Sinatra and Terry Moore). I got a chance to meet and talk with Nancy Sinatra...when she did a signing of the Playboy issue at Tower Records.

The legend of the Playboy Mansion grew. Just about everyone who could get there, wanted to go. From Julie Newmar to Judy Tenuta and back, the parties there were a lot of fun. My friend Julie dashed off a quick recollection on her website, JULIENEWMARWRITES.com. If you can't blow up the article here, go over there and search for it. Hefner of course was a pretty good writer himself, creating the “Playboy Philosophy” that did so much for the sexual revolution.

Sprinkled within the pages of Playboy were great cartoons. Aside from The New Yorker, Playboy was the best place for somebody with talent to gain fame. Playboy’s version of Charles Addams was Gahan Wilson. At the corner of eye-popping drawings of busty women were the familiar signatures of Dedini, Interlandi, Dempsey, B. Kliban and many more.

All this is coming from memory at the moment, the vivid memories of just how important Playboy was for humorists, whether those who wrote (including Jean Shepherd) to the stand-up stars and the cartoonists, and the ones, like Shel Silverstein, who did a bit of everything.

Classy and stoic, Hefner watched the competition turn up and prosper. Guccione showed pubic hair. Larry Flynt brought sex back into the bathroom. If you wanted more pictures and less text, the newsstand was festooned with rival magazines, what Lenny Bruce happily called “stroke books,” including Rogue, Dude and Gent. And Cavalier, Escapade, Bachelor, and on and on and on.

My stuff appeared in dozens and dozens of those mags, both comedy, fiction and photographs. No, I never got into Playboy. I did publish erotic (really, not dirty) science-fiction in Hustler and photos (really, not dirty...a full page portrait of Richard Jeni after all) in Penthouse.

Hef sometimes turned up in a funny role (as himself in “The Odd Couple” for example) and was pretty genial when the feminists came after him in the 70’s.

He also withstood the blows to the empire when he found himself aging, erotica on newsstands replaced with free porn on the Internet, and women outright using him by becoming close and then writing a tell-all book. His daughter couldn’t quite keep the empire going. Mel Brooks’ son was an editor who came and went. And for a bleak period of time, Playboy went the way of the “lad mags” and declared there would be no nudity. Hefner lived long enough to see the reality of his mansion going up for sale, and his fragile attempts to hold onto his swinging image satirized and scorned.

So many of Hefner's comic icons passed before he did. That includes Irwin Corey who recorded an album at the Playboy Club, Dick Gregory who replaced Corey one night and went on to stardom, my friend George Carlin, and cartoonist legends such as Shel Silverstein and B. Kliban. Here's a photo of Hugh at a fundraiser for our mutual pal Mort Sahl, who wasn't quite as astute with his finances as Hefner was in running the Playboy empire.

Hefner is gone; the legacy of Playboy is forever. The writers who published short stories in his magazine and went on to novels and greatness never forgot. While rock and rap long ago eclipsed Hefner’s own favorite music, there were golden years for Playboy with their jazz poll and concerts. There are the memorable centerfolds, which included the ones for a lady named Dolly and a lady named China. One of them married comedian Dick Martin and the other married Mort.

And so we come back to Mort, and to the other comedians, and the cartoonists, who created that link between sex and joyous laughter. What was a better time than bringing a date to a comedy club, watching a Playboy-approved guy like Dick Gregory, Mort Sahl, Irwin Corey or Lenny Bruce…and then having an exciting evening of erotica afterward? I have no idea! But many guys Hefner’s age, who were swinging in the 50’s and 60’s know exactly what I mean. Those sly dogs.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

TAKE A KNEE..TAKE A KNEE...

Oh, I know.

In the OLD days, people MARCHED. Man, that's OLD school.

Now? Take a Knee.

Let's say you're a rich football player. Your white adoptive parents gave you everything America has to offer. That doesn't mean America is a good place to live. Show the world that America is a disgraceful place to live. Take a knee.

America is disgraceful not because it ignores climate change. Not because it has a terrible health care system. Not for any reason except one. The National Anthem was written by a guy who, on revisionist websites, never went to court and helped slaves to be free (which he did), but actually wrote a song that MIGHT include a line about not being too happy with some slaves that joined the British in trying to kill Americans.

A cover story in TIME, a very HEROIC cover story, pointed out why our pal Colin took a knee. The magazine referenced the National Anthem above everything else. Why play that awful song at the start of something as important as a football game? Priorities, people!

If you don't remember TIME had a photo of the courageous Colin Kaepernick (his very name has that sound of Black pride, just like Malcolm X). Next to it, these words: "THE PERILOUS FIGHT. National anthem protests led by Colin Kaperneck are fueling a debate about privilege, pride and patriotism."

Read that over again. Nothing about too many white cops being nasty to blacks. It was about the national anthem. The man was taking a knee the moment he heard the national anthem. A song. That he was told was racist.

Happily, the protest blossomed into a tremendous fiasco of anger, resentment, accusations, and the rest of what is almost as entertaining as watching a bunch of millionaires in long Spanx give each other brain damage.

The ultimate lesson in all of this: you can get a lot accomplished just by taking a knee like a feeble old lady in a nursing home with bladder issues.

At the moment, earthquakes are ravaging Mexico. Some say we should care about that. At the moment, North Korea is threatening to destroy America. This might include the NFL. We should look into that. And since America is supposed to do what the United Nations, Red China and Russia never do...it's a shame they are behind on rebuilding Puerto Rico. It was America's fault that a hurricane hit it.

Of course it was. America IS a disgraceful place. Just ask Colin.

Hopefully, by the next stadium tour, Paul McCartney will have finished up his Ode to Colin:

"WHEN I FIND MYSELF IN TIMES OF TROUBLE,

FATHER COLIN COMES TO ME.

WHISPERING WORDS OF WISDOM:

TAKE A KNEE. TAKE A KNEE.

AND IN MY HOUR OF DARKNESS

HE IS SQUATTING THERE IN FRONT OF ME

WHISPERING WORDS OF WISDOM:

TAKE A KNEE. TAKE A KNEE.

(Note, the line "hour of darkness" refers to a lack of light.)

Now, about that hurricane in PUERTO RICO. TIME is about to release a new issue with Colin on the cover. So, Puerto Rico, this should make you all breathe a sigh of relief.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

"National Pancake Day"

Yes, it actually IS "National Pancake Day" today. So all over Twitter, people are posting luscious pictures of stacks of flapjacks covered in syrup and butter. But all over the Internet, "National Pancake Day" means that Americans are searching Google for nude pix of Miley Cyrus instead of Kim Kardashian.

Monday, September 25, 2017

THE LAST DAY OF DAVID BEY

Don't quit your Day Job...until it kills you.

David Bey was a journeyman fighter. That meant that he trained when he could, and didn't quit his day job. As they all do, Bey hoped for the championship, which would lead to fame AND fortune.

And being able to quit the day job.

How did Bey spend each day? He worked as a pile driver for 37 of his 60 years.

A construction worker by day, Bey was a destruction worker by night, but he didn't exactly have pile driver fists. His first dozen fights, yes, were KO or TKO victories, but then he began facing opponents with good records. Bey had knocked out the 3-10-2 Larry Simms, and Larry Bellfus with a 13-14 record. But when he was up against someone who could take a punch, like Greg Page, Bey managed to get a decision. That set up his title shot against Larry Holmes.

At the time, Holmes was boring people with his long jab, dull lisp and bland personality.

The Holmes fight, like so many a Holmes fight, was, to use a Cosell word, "doleful." It ended in a TKO loss. It wasn't a big money fight. It probably was just filler for ABC on a Saturday afternoon. Few of Bey's fights were major attractions that TV audiences cared about. His next fight was another TKO loss, this time to Trevor Berbick. With his ordinary skills, lack of a KO punch, worried face and balding dome, he didn't excite crowds. If he broke even on the training, the manager's cut, the cut man's cut, and the promoter's cut, he was lucky.

To give him credit, the journeyman, despite having to hold down a job, gamely fought against top veterans and up and coming stars. His biggest win was very early in his career against James "Buster" Douglas. Douglas was young too, and would eventually pick up enough skills to out-box Mike Tyson. Otherwise, Bey had no notable wins. But he was a pretty good opponent. He didn't get flattened too often. He went the distance, or near the distance, with solid punchers such as Joe Hipp, Tyrell Biggs, Bruce Selden and Bonecrusher Smith. He also lost to the uninteresting but ageless Joe Bugner. He scored a draw against lanky and lackluster (23-18) David Jaco, which would've told anyone "It's time to quit," but with dogged determination, Bey fought another year or two, got a rematch with Jaco, who was now 24-24. Bey won. It was his last fight, September 17, 1994.

Flash forward to September 13 2017.

Bey, age 60, was still working his construction job in New Jersey when a hunk of sheet metal knocked him out — permanently. Bey, sad to say, was not so well-remembered that his passing was instant news. Even the fight websites didn't really get around to mentioning it till a few days ago. That he wasn't the "raging bull" that Jake LaMotta was (Jake died a few days ago and got mammoth obits) doesn't mean much outside the ring. Outside the ring, he was a good family man. He was remembered by his union pals as a mild-mannered religious guy who did his job as best he could. Which he did, both in the ring, and on the job that was supposedly less dangerous than boxing.

Gee, NYPL, do you get Free Porn with the Internet Access? And only $15 worth of late fees!

We all LOVE the NYPL.

No, seriously, I do volunteer work for the NYPL, and since I'm modest about such things, I'll just add that the group I'm with raises about $100,000 annually, donated to the NYPL.

It's nice to see that they're doing good things, like giving free wi-fi to people. I mean, we all know BOOKS are on their way out. Who the hell buys books? Few even want to take them out of the library free. Used books have germs and stains on them.

Eventually, the NYPL will be nothing more than a set of Internet terminals, most of them seating smelly guys surfing Internet porn. You know, thanks to the ACLU (the Aroma Civil Liberties Union) people who stink are ENTITLED to sit anywhere they like. YOU can move if you don't like it.

Here's the fabulous deal. And yes, I'm glad they are spending the money on something OTHER than buying BOOKS to put on shelves. Boo, to books!

Truly, one must pity people who have access to a two thousand dollar CELLPHONE but somehow, can't afford Internet. One must also pity people who can accord a computer, and other luxuries (including spawning children), but, what, don't have the "triple play" feature of cable for their TV, service for their phone, and INTERNET access???

The NYPL used to have several bookstores in their branches. People donated books, and the money went to the library. The library had books they didn't want, and these were sold. Now? Now, I think there are only TWO used bookstores left. The Mid-Manhattan...is NOT one of them. They are Webster and St. Agnes. Call it forward thinking. Boo to BOOKS!

The rules for free wi-fi are damn generous. I like the one about "you must have less than $15 in outstanding fines." In four decades, I've never even paid a fine. I've returned the stuff on time. But some people, well, you have to commiserate. They get a bunch of books to use as a door stop, and they forget to return them.

The important thing for kids is to "raise their digital exposure," which would mean, as early as possible, seeing Kim Kardashian's ass and Caitlyn Jenner's freakish face. What else does the Internet have. PORN. Lots of it. What else raises the digital exposure for each and every snookums? They should learn, as early as possible, how hilarious it is to see people with acid burns or broken limbs. One must become much less sensitive to suffering, you know. Go to ROTTEN dot com, or just check out the NY Post or the London Daily Mail or all the other websites that instantly show you atrocity photos for entertainment.

Happily, news of this latest give-away will spread and every scammer will show proof of being 18 and having at least one kid in the school system, and they'll ALL follow the rule that "devices are due back to the library by July 5, 2018." After all, you're limiting all this free good stuff to people who only have $15 in outstanding fees.