The Pam Anderson "BIKINI MALFUNCTION"

This is just sad, on so many levels. Women are so stupid?? They can't wear clothes anymore without falling out of them?

When was the last time a guy got out of a limo with his junk hanging out? How come guys never seem to accidentally lose their underwear in public or have their pants fall down?

Here's Pam Anderson doing what she does best...being half-naked in public.

What the "censorship" is all about, I don't know. Everybody has an ass crack. Pam's has been seen many, many times in many "lad mags" and men's mags. This only makes her seem like she has an enormous asshole. And she doesn't...she divorced Rick some time ago.

Conspiracy theorists may choose to believe that Pam is a smart woman and just does these things to let people know she's still around, even if she's not making movies. Or...worse conspiracy...the manufacturers of these things deliberately make them badly to embarrass women!

What's sad and pathetic is that so-called "news" websites publish this stuff, and encourage abuse. They pay the obnoxious paparazzi to follow women around and literally crawl up their behinds for a photo op.

I feel badly for Pam. She has a good heart and her work with PETA is proof of that.

Wardrobe malfunction, "bikini malfunction," etc. etc. -- isn't time manufacturers of women's clothing get taken to task for this? I hope Pam sues the bikini company that caused this! $100,000 per cheek. Another $50,000 for the crack. A half million bucks! Why not? I'm sure she'd donate a hunk of it to PETA: Pam's Ethical Tits & Ass.

CBS is BRIBED to Keep STEPHEN COLBERT in NYC

This is the oh-so-funny Stephen Colbert. Oooh, he raised his EYEBROW...

You really want to see THIS guy every night instead of David Letterman?

You do if you think anyone named Sedaris is funny. If you listen to NPR a lot. Still go to James Taylor concerts. Miss Jim Croce a lot. Have dust ruffles on your bed. Consider Bareburger to be healthy food. Care if your socks match your tie. Make a six figure salary. Solemnly believe Tavis Smiley is keepin' the faith. Have your maid or handyman go down to be YOU and serve on jury duty. Refuse to eat an apricot if it isn't organic....

Colbert, who is not likely to get as good ratings as Letterman did, was making rumbling noises about taking his show out of New York City. So what did Governor Cuomo do? He began trembling like Al Pacino in "Dog Day Afternoon," and in that hoarse, high-pitched voice of his, shrieked "All right, all right," and came up with bonuses and incentives...to PAY CBS to stay.

Nobody does this for you. What if you told your City Council member, "Guess what, I'm leaving Manhattan. What do you offer for me to stay?"

Broadway theaters are all packed. There's no shortage of sexually peculiar rich people waiting to lose their money in a flop, just for the glory of having a loved one, or hooker, cast in a small part in the second act. The Ed Sullivan Theater doesn't need Colbert in it. But Cuomo (who did get donation money from CBS) anxiously offered the so-called Tiffany network some bucks to stay. And gee, a few union handymen will be able to charge overtime for "renovating" some part of the place. I think Dave would tell you the place ain't falling apart. But yeah, let's make sure it's just right for Colbert. Maybe some dust ruffles on every seat.

PS, Governor Cuomo, why not pay off the Daily News so they can hire some proofreaders? They are pigging out over there. Pig, as in sow...

JASON BIGGS: Comedy Is Hard. Being a dick is easy

If you don't know who Jason Biggs is...most of the planet doesn't know, either.

His great claim to fame, apparently, is acting in a few of the tasteless "American Pie" movies. A fair actor, he played a Jew even though he isn't one.

Tasteless or "sick" humor has a place in this often tasteless and "sick" world. At its best, it's a healthy reflex to most any horrible event. Tell a "sick" joke and you're saying, in essence, "I'm immune. It doesn't hurt. I'm not going to cry."

It verges on cruelty and most sick jokes aren't funny, but if humor helps heal, maybe it's not so bad. This assumes that the joke is being told by somebody known for abrasive humor (a Gilbert Gottfried perhaps) and done with some wit.

Biggs was witless today.

Lenny Bruce, after the Kennedy assassination, was expected to make some kind of flippant, irreverent remark the next time he took the stage. The audience waited. He finally said, "Poor Vaughn Meader!"

And the audience laughed. Yeah, what about the famous JFK impersonator who had scored a million selling "First Family" album??

Enter Jason Biggs, and today's news about a plane shot down by terrorists in the Ukraine. His instant Twitter joke:

"Anyone wanna buy my Malaysian Arlines frequent flier miles?"

Anything funny about that?

No. Biggs may be able to recite stupid lines in some smelly movie where everyone's waiting for the next dopey bad-taste joke. But can he write a funny line?

When he instantly got the scorn he deserved, he flipped out and blamed the audience:

"Hey all you too soon assholes, it's a fucking joke. You don't have to think it's funny, or even be on my twitter page at all."

A fucking joke is, most important, supposed to be funny. That's where Jason failed.

I asked Steve Allen once, in referring to a line in a Poe story, 'Is there really a subject "of which no jest can be made?'"

And he said, "No, you can make a joke about anything. The question is whether you should." And, I might add, whether it's a joke in the first place.

Jason merely continued to get redder and redder in the ass, sulking and raging about how he had empathy for the victims (as if that was obvious from his crappy ad-lib?).

The bottom line IS that comedy is hard. Every day real stand-up comics, real comedy writers, make choices involving self-censorship. Sometimes they go for a line that's over the edge...and it works. Sometimes it gets silence or even boos. They are pro enough to know that they just might've made a mistake. Amateurs just keep on ranting as the flop sweat puddles the floor. They make themselves look more desperate and delusional. Biggs could've said, "Sorry...I knocked out a line a little too fast and should've bounced it off a few people first..." But his ego got the better of him. In other words, sometimes fucking an apple pie can be funny...but more likely if it's up on a screen in a film and not at the next table at Applebee's. And some actors are best when they read what's on the cue card and don't try to ad-lib.

"Killing Archie" for Fun and Profit

The big news in the world of Comic Conjobs, is that beloved dork Archie Andrews...is dead.

That's what happens when you're a white guy living in the slowly deteriorating Riverdale section? No no no, let's not go there, girlfriend. Archie, who failed as a radio show and never really blossomed into a hit TV show or movie, is being killed off for a much more fashionable reason:

He took a BULLET for a GAY friend.

Killing blacks? Doesn't happen anymore. Killing Latinos? Doesn't happen anymore. Killing some little old Chinese or some guy from New Delhi who looks like he could be Muslim? No. Assassins target GAYS. So now the corporate owners of "Archie" want to "make a statement."

The statement is really: "Nobody's buying Archie anymore." Followed by: "Let's goose sales, like when they turned Green Lantern queer..."

I have no idea if this is actually the end of Archie (a comic book I only read at a doctor's office or barber shop when all the good stuff was stolen). Is this just a cynical trick, and he'll be brought back in a few months via "Retro Archie," his adventures B.C. (before crassness?). Or will they pull the old "he didn't really die, it was a dream" game? Frankly, I don't care that much. I outgrew comics long ago (after a brief fling with Zap and Insect Fear and the rest of the underground stuff). But it's interesting to see how cynical and cutthroat the world of "Comic Con" has become.

I'm in the minority. I don't buy "graphic novels" or comic books. I almost never take a nostalgic look at the small box of them I still have. It seems most people don't grow up. They refuse to leave their childhood crap behind. The only movies that seem to make money in this age of piracy and cynicism involve super heroes or ridiculous sword-and-sandal fantasy. Listen, I'm such a minority that Archie could've died taking a bullet for ME.

I was surprised to know they were still making Archie comics. But I also haven't kept up with Superman's problems. I lost touch after it was announced he was no longer allergic to kryptonite. You might as well tell me "Green Arrow is secretly married to Green Lantern." You could tell me The Metal Men are still around, but Tin had a sex change and went Platinum.

The "creators" (who didn't create Archie but just inherited him) insist they wanted to do something with social relevance (!) and "impact." And what better thing to do than play the GAY CARD. Why, for example, make a statement about women? NO NO NO NO, we can't have Archie take a bullet because Betty was slipped a drug and about to be date-raped by Jughead.

What next? The Fantastic Four's "Thing" moves from orange to the new BLACK and tells the world he was African all along? When will somebody decide that Batman and Robin are an item, and that we must understand that teenage boys have needs and NAMBLA is a fine organization? How about Superman literally blows Israel off the map because a) nobody in comic book land is Jewish anymore and b) Comic Con wants to have a convention in Dubai next year?

Times change. They get worse. Once upon a time, a failing comic strip, comic book or magazine put out a "goodbye" issue and gracefully died. Not so in the comic book world. Here, if you're aging and frail, you're injected with "relevance" and your death becomes a "statement." Sort of like if grandpa is terminal at the hospice...you put a "Let's End Elderly Abuse" t-shirt on him and throw him out a window. You know...it puts the guy out of his misery, makes a "statement" and gets LOTS of publicity.

So long, Archie. And don't be surprised to see a new comic book series, "Betty and Veronica Get Married And Adopt Jughead."

No, Joan Rivers, YOU Shut up!

It's hard to tell these days of Joan Rivers is being obnoxious just to promote herself as "the mad diva," (to paraphrase the title of her latest book).

Within 48 hours, she's trashed the president, the first lady, and anyone against cruelty toward animals.

Worse, she's done all of it without any sense of humor. I love Joan, I admire her, and it's sad to see her not just bombing with ad-libs but with lines that just aren't even smart.

Not that I would ever expect her to apologize. Lenny Bruce told her years ago, "They're wrong and you're right." I just hope she learns that it's not necessary to try and ad-lib a funny comment every time some pimply kid from TMZ shoves a $129 camcorder at her.

The fur gaffe happened during a cable TV interview. She was asked about why she wears fur.

Her ad-lib: "Are you wearing leather shoes? THEN SHUT UP!"

If there's anything that pisses off an animal rights activist or a vegetarian, it's that obnoxious comeback: "Are you wearing leather shoes?"

First off, here's no excuse to wear fur. We're talking about killing, often via slow death, foxes, ocelots, leopards and other endangered species nobody eats for food. What's this have to do with leather? Listen, you want to torture a cow with a prod up its ass and then eat it? Save me the skin. There hasn't yet been a good substitute for leather, but you don't eat fox and almost nobody eats rabbit. Fur is vanity. Fake fur looks damn real. So spare me the "you wear leather shoes" snottiness.

Now about that squelch at the end: "THEN SHUT UP!"

No, Joan. Can we talk? You're not Little Richard, and "SHUT UP" is not funny.

Saying "Shut Up" fortunately doesn't end any debate on the cruelty and stupidity of wearing fur or of hunting and killing animals for sport.

When Joan says Bo Derek is so dumb she saw the sign "Wet Floor" and did...that doesn't really hurt Bo Derek. Putting a bullet into a rabbit, knocking a bird out of the sky, or firing a can't-miss rifle at a leopard to have a trophy...that hurts. You ever see an animal cry out and writhe in agony, Joan? Take a look at some PETA videos and THEN put on your fucking fur coat.

24 hours earlier, Joan made waves for a witless ad-lib against the President and his wife.

I think Joan is a Republican. I don't think she likes Obama anyway. But in response to some fool from TMZ, she ad-libbed: "The President is gay..." and his wife "is a tranny."

The reporter said, "Tranny??"

Joan shouted, "Transgender!"

This wasn't respectful, but more importantly, it just wasn't funny.

Again, I love Joan. I also was a fan of Sam Kinison. It's a matter of personal taste if 1 joke in 100 goes over the line. But it's getting to be a habit with Joan. Please, if you think you have to come up with something ANY time you're asked a question, go to some prepared material, or just do some Don Rickles-type nonsense and say "You're a hockey puck."

It hasn't been a good July 4th Weekend for Joan Rivers, and I hope she gets some rest and takes a page out of some old Steve Allen book. I once asked Steve if there was any subject that was beyond joking about. He said, "No...you can joke about anything. The question is whether you should." In other words, you can think up a hilariously tasteless remark at a funeral...but it might be wise to keep it to yourself.

Maybe Joan can come up with some hilarious reason for wearing dead animals, but "Are you wearing leather shoes? Then Shut Up" ain't it.

Facebook Makes Fools Of Us All

FACEBOOK is a dangerous place. Most anything you write can get trolls, angry comments and abuse.

The best thing is to admit, as a kind of caveat, that you're entitled to your opinion, and you might be stupid.

A typo can help...

7pm Is When You Turn Into a Celebrity

Usually strange things happen at midnight.

In "Cinderella," that's when her carriage turned into a pumpkin.

According to the Daily News, 7pm is when someone magically transforms into a star.