Jack Riley ("Bob Newhart Show" etc.) Passed On at 80

You can read obits anywhere. But an uncomfortable truth, only here:

An OLYMPIC FAIL moment

Nadezhda Bazhina. Yeah, too bad about her ZERO Olympic dive. She really went into the toilet on that one.

WHOOPI GOLDBERG, KEY FIGURE IN RON HOWARD BEATLES DOC

Ron Howard's new documentary on The Beatles will have...

No, not exactly a lot of new footage. What hasn't been discovered by now?

The two great things about it is that a) it was NOT done by Ken Burns, and b) it features NEW interview footage from Beatles experts like Whoopi Goldberg!

Whoopi, of course, is the primary host of one of American TV's most hard-hitting, dynamic news programs, "The View." She's written books, won major entertainment awards, AND was at Shea Stadium for that famous Beatles concert. So who else could provide valuable insight?

Combing through the archives, Ron Howard found a photo of Whoopi amid the crowd of NYC Beatles fans welcoming the "mop top" quartet to America.

The genius Ron Howard will spice up the documentary with recreations of classic moments in the lives of The Beatles. For example, according to Whoopi, she was the maid who had to clean up John & Yoko's "Bed In."

After she emptied the ash trays, John and Yoko invited her to share their bed for a photo op, but as you see, she wasn't happy.

She thought John was singing an old song for her, and offering her a good time. But "Makin' Whoopie" was a different spelling. No wonder she looks unsatisfied.

However, before The Beatles broke up, they performed their famous "Rooftop Concert," and a young comedian-actress-mortician by the name of Caryn Johnson (as she was then known) offered to join in.

She fitted her breasts with whoopee cushions, and helped Ringo with unusual percussion effects but, sadly, the producers of the film edited her out completely. Some said the whole thing wasn't PC, but Paul McCartney himself said it was PC - "Pretty crappy."

Phil Spector erased her noises from the soundtrack, and even threatened her with his own farts. As most know, Phil's farts could be lethal. Everyone was afraid of him.

But ultimately Ron Howard's documentary has the most amazing reveal.

WHOOPI was actually the WALRUS!

"EBAY ASSUME" Actress Ina Balin and her CLOWN PAINTINGS

Well, well! Some of you remember exotic actress Ina Balin. Many recall that she co-starred in a Jerry Lewis film. Others may remember her femme-fatale turn as an art teacher with her eye on Rob Petrie in an episode of "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

SO. Like Red Skelton, she liked to paint clowns!

Right?

Er, if it's on EBAY, it has to be true.

Right?

No, that's not a painting by Ina Balin.

The seller simply ASSUMED it was when she hoisted it to EBAY.

EBAY prides itself on being "just a venue." They don't patrol their site, and why should they make any great effort to remove items for which they take a percentage?

Bidders using the "report this item" link can be stymied (or Matthew Bearded) by trying to figure out which category to report it to. EBAY does not give you space to explain the problem either. Not that they'd listen.

If you said, "Ina Balin did NOT paint portraits of clowns," they'd say, "Tell Ina Balin to send us a formal complaint on letterhead."

In other words, CAVEAT EMPTOR (Dick Cavett has a blank expression of chagrin).

Bidders on EBAY must ASSUME that the seller is telling the truth.

Meanwhile, the SELLER may ASSUME that he/she knows the truth: "Hey, I found a painting signed BALIN. Why, it must be INA BALIN!"

Why bother to Google search to authenticate the item? Then you might find THIS:

There's also a Facebook group for the late great actress, which notes that BALIN paintings are not HERS. Yes, she once partnered in an art gallery, but NO, she did not paint.

Here's a seller who did NOT ASSUME a Balin clown portrait was by Ina:

When you ASSUME an EBAY ad is truthful and based on expertise, you make an ASS of U and your Paypal account.

And remember, a clown picture by any name, is bound to be repulsive.

If only MORE rock stars were Jewish...

Political Correctness: Over-enthusiastic Censorship of BEATLES music