D.L. joins Steve Martin in TWITTER HELL

D.L. Hughley isn't quite a "hacky black," doing a lot of easy jokes about that difference between white folks and brothers. But he goes where the money is, doesn't he? He doesn't appear on Bill Maher's show to NOT give the black perspective. Cosby (whose downfall was that he wasn't a "hacky black" like Burress is) pioneered the idea that black comics should be allowed to be funny without making race the topic of every joke. Maybe D.L. should remember that.

Was there really a need to make ANY joke out of Debbie Reynolds' death? ("Too Soon" IS the rueful motto most comics know by heart). Was there any need to make it a "how white folks differ from black folks" deal?

Say what?

And so it was, that D.L. took the heat off Steve Martin (the Carrie Fisher non-joke sincere tribute) a few days ago. The Twitterverse began to turn on D.L. and question what the hell he was trying to do.

The answer is that comics are iconoclasts. Also compulsive class clowns.

He either figured it was ridiculous for people to mope about Debbie's literal "heartbreak," and was going to do a sarcastic slap, OR, he had that compulsive need to make a comic statement out of anything and everything big in the news.

"Too Soon." There's a time to just shut the fuck up.

Comics often don't know there IS such a time. They take up the challenge of "say something funny about this tragedy." They forget Steve Allen's scholarly bit of comic math: "Comedy is tragedy + time."

If Kinison was still alive, he would've felt compelled to snicker to his audience of drunks and bikers about poor Debbie.

Something like: "Debbie Reynolds...heh heh...I think I saw this before in a necrophile porn film: DEBBIE DOES CARDIAC ARREST! Heh heh...just family values, guys. Heh heh...somebody said to me, Sam, could you make a really bad taste joke about America's sweetheart and...uh...necrophile porn? OH OHHHHHHHHH!!!! I just did, man!"

If Gabe Kaplan or Robert Klein was just starting out, maybe one or the other would be compelled to put a Jewish spin on the story, like D.L. tried a black spin:"I'm Jewish, if my sister died, my mother wouldn't have a heart attack. She'd say, 'How come YOU are still alive?' She'd noodge ME into having a heart attack for her!"

Something like that.

I feel a bit sorry for D.L. and all comics who have a monumental fail like this. When they get off a good one, all they get is laughter. The joke is forgotten the next day. Tell a bad one, and there's massive resentment.

It's not much different in any entertainment media. Talking about black spin, Serena Williams might put a spin on a drop shot, and land it 99 times out of 100. The one time it hits the net? Everyone is saying she's losing it. She's through. It might even be the only photo from the match that gets into print.

Too bad Hughley isn't more like Burress, who I'm sure was too busy doing his "observational humor" in a small urban nightclub, chuckling about rap singer booty, to think up a gag about a white icon from the 60's dropping dead in grief over her daughter, the "Star Wars" icon.

A new danger these days is indeed, TWITTER. Funny people can't try out a joke on an audience first. Or, don't realize that jokes don't always work well on the page. It's possible D.L. quipped that line to some pal of his, who chuckled and said, "Post it on TWITTER!" Written and not spoken...no, not funny at all.

We've seen all kinds of celebs rush to TWITTER and post something they either have to apologize for an hour later. Comics have to delete the bomb, or live with the damage.

For me, the most offensive thing is the video that opened up on the news page.

WHAT does Debbie Reynolds, in a clip from "Singing in the Rain," have to do with D.L.'s unfortunate misfire? NOTHING.

It forces me to study and study more and more about APPS and BLOCKERS and finding a way to prevent idiot websites from bothering me with VIDEO POP-UPS that instantly begin to play when I do NOT want them to.

I get the idea this nefarious, tasteless crap of inserting VIDEOS into news stories, is to keep me "on the page" longer, so that there's more website revenue.

CUT IT OUT.

I'm here to READ A STORY. If I wanted to watch a film clip I'd go to YouTube.

Carrie Fisher and the Corrupt Slimy, HOLLYWOOD WALK OF FAME

"They can take their star and I'll tell them what to do with it."

I'm paraphrasing Moe Howard of the Three Stooges.

In his lifetime, The Three Stooges were DENIED a star on the "Hollywood Walk of Fame."

What a poke in the eye it was. Tourists strolling the "Hollywood Walk of Fame" couldn't see MOE, but they could see:

Renee Adoree, Art Acord, Brian Aherne, Philip Ahn, Adrienne Ames, Don Alvarado, Mary Anderson, Heather Angel, Michael Ansara, Dorothy Arzner and Nils Asther.

I'm restricting myself only to movie stars who were contemporaries of Moe, and to the first letter of the alphabet. What an A-list, huh? How many of them have you even heard of? Yes, Philip Ahn was a capable actor usually restricted to "wise Asian" roles, and Renee Adoree was adorable, and Adrienne Ames was very sexy. But The Three Stooges had the longest contract in the history of Columbia Pictures. The shorts were getting huge ratings via TV re-runs. Did the "Hall of Fame" need to be convinced by sales of VHS tapes and DVDs after Moe was dead?

By the time The Three Stooges got their star, the only ex-Stooge at the ceremony was Joe Besser.

The only reason they even GOT a star is that Stooge fans ponied up the money to pay for it.

The dirty little secret about the "Hollywood Walk of Fame" is that it's a con game. A hokey "Board of Directors" holds up the artists or the studios for ransom.

You've heard of vanity publishing? This is a vanity tourist trap.

Does the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame demand payment from inductees? Of course not. The Academy Awards doesn't send a bill to the winners, saying, "Your statue cost us $400 to make out of pewter." But the "Hollywood Walk of Fame," which brings huge bucks to all the souvenir shops that line the sidewalks, and brings in a fortune in taxes on that junk, now DEMANDS $30,000 payment.

I was surprised that Carrie Fisher didn't have a star already.

You'd think the "Star Wars" franchise would've been happy to pay the $30,000. Or did George Lucas and his pals figure Carrie should've reached into her purse and paid for this ego boost?

Variety just reported that even though she's now deceased, she can STILL be nominated for a star, and get a star. BUT...somebody has to come up with the $30,000.

These days, the "Hollywood Vanity Sidewalk" is littered with mediocre names who bought their way in.

I've checked the nomination procedure. Foremost, these hucksters want to know that IF the nomination is approved, $30,000 will be paid. The person doing the nominating has to put MONEY where that mouth is.

Let's take a look at some of the mediocre idiots who have a star on the "Hollywood Vanity Sidewalk."

Scanning the B-list of names beginning with that letter, there's:

....crappy pop jerks The Backstreet Boys and Boys2Men, irritating radio tenor Kenny Baker, hack director William "One Shot" Beaudine, TV soap opera guy John Beradino, pudgy and annoying sports announcer Chris Berman, unreal "Big Bird" a muppet, Jimmy Boyd the pest who sang "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus," earache Teresa Brewer, mildly amusing C&W sidekick Smiley Burnette, one of many many purveyors of boring traveling and animal documentaries Bill Burrud, the uninteresting LeVar Burton, and the woman who played Oliver Hardy's shrewish wife in a few L&H shorts Mae Busch.

Carrie Fisher should've been nominated long ago, and approved. And the city of Los Angeles should've been for her star.

I could list dozens if not hundreds more: disc jockeys, quiz show hosts, one-hit wonders, odious producers who mostly chased actresses around desks, and other egomaniacs who PAID THE $30,000 to tell the world they matter. Yes, Donald Trump has his star, for hosting a stupid reality TV show.

The sad thing isn't that some geeky bunch will have go on GOFUNDME to make sure their precious Princess Leia gets the star they think she should have, but that there actually are dozens upon dozens of STARS who not only deserve the honor, but could benefit from it. Fisher was a star with or without the Hollywood Walk of Fame, but there are others, no longer working who'd like to be remembered as they drift off into the D-list obscurity of Facebook. They'd like to be validated. They'd like to be able to not just say, "I had a hit TV show in the 60's" or "I had a few singles that topped the charts in the 70's," but..."I have a STAR in the Hollywood Walk of Fame."

For many, $30,000 is just too much money. Some of them only get social security, and to help pay the rent they rely on tottering to a memorabilia show a few times a year. There, they get $20 to sign a photo for some fat goof who smells like a sidewalk in Weehawken, New Jersey.

Steve Martin Twitter-Bullied for Carrie Fisher compliment

Steve Martin?

He started out as "the jerk." He was this "wild and crazy" goofball. It turned out, he was a creative and talented actor ("Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid" and "All of Me" were early examples). He was the opposite of his image: a serious, intelligent guy. An art collector. An expert banjo player. A novelist.

I could say:

When I was a young man, Steve Martin was my favorite goofball comic. He turned out to be witty and bright as well."

Anything wrong with that?

Read on.

Too bad Steve Martin deleted the Tweet, but I think I know why.

He's a sensitive guy and he was hurt at being misunderstood.

So he withdrew the comment.

His next reaction was probably anger. WHY am I being misunderstood for a compliment??

That would be another reason to pull the Tweet, and be tempted to shut the account down entirely.

He doesn't need this shit.

Kneejerk morons who want to find fault are all too happy to rant on Twitter and criticize and bully people they don't even know.

So, a pretty woman turns out to be smart. We say the same thing about a baseball player or a boxer. Or a rock star. Or a stand-up comic who became famous for his "arrow the the head" gag, which nobody got as a parody of "lampshade on the head" life-of-the-party assholes.

Celebrities at Steve Martin's level do NOT need Twitter or Facebook. Unless you actually enjoy jousting with morons (John Cleese is one of those), you can make do with a website that explains who you are, what you did, and what you're up to.

I've only met Steve Martin once; I found him to be, yes, a quiet, well-mannered man. I've met Cleese a few times, and he's quite robust and outgoing, and it doesn't surprise me that he'd enjoy topping the bottom-dwellers. But, generally...

...the more "Followers" you have, the greater the risk. Ask John Lennon. Oh, you can't.

The Steve Martin incident is just a minor example of why it's better to take a low profile. You have to be some kind of idiot to be famous and waste your time Tweeting.

Oh. Donald Trump.

Funny, there were much worse Tweets posted after the death of Carrie Fisher. Cinnabon, anyone?

What people quickly learn about Twitter is that it's a good place to offend people and make enemies.

Spike Milligan once said, and he was so right, "When you brush up mediocrity, you brush up venom." People in Armpit, Florida, who've never met anyone more famous than their local meth dealer, can suddenly get the attention of a Steve Martin or a John Cleese, and vent their anger and stupidity at them. After all, saying "I love your work" won't stand out as much as an insult or threat.

Cleese enjoys this crap. Steve Martin obviously does not.

Mediocre people are amazed that rich, famous people actually have the time to fritter about on Twitter, and that seems to make them even more venomous and nasty.

If you don't turn a blind eye to human nature, the Internet itself makes people venomous and nasty, and there are plenty of creeps who have a great time picking on anyone with an opinion on Twitter or an account on Facebook.

From the safety of an anonymous account and a basement in Turkeyface, Florida (it's almost ALWAYS Florida), trolls make themselves feel good by making somebody else feel bad.

PS, about all this praise for Carrie Fisher being a "feminist" and a great actress because she appeared in some moronic sci-fi movies (nobody seems to mention her other acting work or her books). It would be helpful if somewhere in this "too soon" and "so sad" and "RIP" and "love always for Princess Leia" stuff, there would be a line about, "drugs can cause a weakened body and a fatal heart attack." Same thing could be said about George Michael. The lesson isn't that George Michael's forgotten 80's music "will live forever," but rather, that he died some 20 years before his time. The lesson with Carrie Fisher is that as colorful as recounting drug and sex stories are, you may stop talking about them 20 years before your time.

Steve Martin? Play your banjo, collect your art, write your books, act in films, hang out in the real world with your many friends...and don't feed the birdbrains on Twitter.

No, Suzy, Spreading the Betty White Vagina Pounding is Wrong

Why do idiots attribute lame jokes to George Carlin and sex jokes to Betty White?

And why do idiots believe this crap is true?

When Carrie Fisher died, "BETTY WHITE" became a trending topic on Twitter. Why? People began joking that she was next, or they hoped she wouldn't be next. This then became an excuse to volunteer a favorite Betty White photo or quote.

Here's Suzy Know-it-All with her own website (how impressive) and gee, she's added her own name to a moronic meme that's been going around and around and around and around for years:

Who could imagine Betty White actually saying that? Doesn't everyone know about SNOPES by now, a website devoted to debunking Internet assholery?

Betty of course denied ever saying anything like that, and added a quotable remark about the INTERNET and FACEBOOK.

JUST IN TIME - I got my Chanukah card from JIMMY CARTER

CHANUKAH AND CHRISTMAS ON THE SAME DAY THIS YEAR

HEY, you dirty guys at the L.A. Times - wanna re-phrase that??

Submitted for your Approval - CHRISTMAS ALBUMS

A Tribute to Zsa Zsa Gabor from Miley Cyrus

It was interesting to see the reaction to Zsa Zsa Gabor's death.

Considering she was a raconteur when Carson hosted the Tonight Show, I didn't think anyone under 40 would even know her name. There's also someone else, Dahhhling, who uses an eccentric accent while flaunting her wealth, and her name is Huffington. Most people of any age would have trouble recalling a single movie she made.

And yet...the media headlined Zsa Zsa's death, and as they usually do, in lieu of actually writing a thoughtful appraisal of the deceased, they reprinted what publicity-hungry stars Tweeted.

Would you believe Viley Virus...er, MILEY CYRUS was one of them?

Here you go...

Always be sincere, whether you mean it or not.

A few of the steal-and-rewrite "news" sites (Decider, Gawker, Huffington-Puffer, Ripper Offer...) had a staffer analyze who Zsa Zsa Gabor was. The line most often used was "she was the Kardashian of her day" or "she pioneered being famous just for being famous."

Kardashian (pick any of 'em, and throw in two Jenners) never made a movie. Gabor did. She made many. They may be forgotten now, but she got good reviews for them.

Oh, you CAN claim that Kim Kardashian made a movie, if you count the porn video that leaked. But Paris Hilton pioneered THAT form of entertainment: the "celebutard" becoming famous through what some would called "a planned publicity-seeking embarrassment."

Gabor was discovered by the opera star Richard Tauber, who put her in an operetta in Vienna. Yes, she could sing. She also became "Miss Hungary," and she emerged in the 50's as the star of "Moulin Rouge," "Lovely To Look At," and "Lili." Yes, she also had husbands and romances, but these came AFTER she was a well-known personality. She wasn't famous because of scandal.

1958 was pretty much her last year of serious film making, which included a minor role in the Orson Welles classic "Touch of Evil" and the lead in "Queen of Outer Space." She survived the 60's and 70's not by twerking, getting involved with a series of grotesque football or basketball players, and using implants to become a caricature of womanhood. She was a kind of a female Liberace (I know, a bit of a redundancy there). She wore attention-getting outfits, and prepared herself with bon mots she could toss to nightclub hosts or the press.

She even had competition from another sister, Eva, who became much more famous to the world through the "Green Acres" TV show. When I was working for London Features as a photographer, it was Eva that I'd see at "must see" parties. Yet, the fascination with Zsa Zsa Gabor continued. She did become almost a parody of herself, but a dignified one.

A surprising word you could use in referencing Zsa Zsa Gabor, is "class." She certainly wasn't as outrageous as Jayne Mansfield was in the 60's, or Edy Williams in the 70's, or the vast array of wardrobe-malfunction Playboy-nude starlets of the past 40 years.

There's Clever and there's CLEVER

When Trump was elected, I offered a Photoshop Tweet. I also sent a copy to my friend J----.

Usually J---- is quick to reply with a LOL or a compliment, but I figured, ok. Either she voted for the guy (!) or she's taking me a bit for granted. I don't respond every time a friend sends me a link to a FYI newspaper article, for example. It gets to be clutter to have "thanks for the heads up" "you're welcome" bouncing back and forth.

A day later, I was compelled to tinker together another Photoshop job. Actually, there was a trending Twitter topic, imagining Broadway shows that Trump & Pence might approve of ("Hamilton" not being one of them). I offered this:

I sent it to my friend (and not mass email it to others). She's not following me on Twitter, after all, doesn't DO Twitter, so I sent it the old fashioned way. But once again, there was no response.

Of course, as Dale Carnegie pointed out, "People are concerned with themselves 24/7." Which is why I do this stuff for myself, and not for money (who's buying anything?). It doesn't faze me if I get a bunch of re-Tweets or "nice comments" or not.

The other day, I got an email from my friend J----, with a big photo attachment, the kind that leads to a warning: "your email is nearly FULL."

She wanted me to see the "clever illustration" a friend of hers created.

Yes, she took the time to forward this to me, and I guess it was a mass emailing to everyone in her address book. It was just too creative not to share.

Like it says in the header, "there's clever and there's CLEVER."

She actually sent this with a little note remarking on how it was a "clever illustration."

It's possible she felt some obligation to help this mediocre no-talent, who probably helps her wash her car or something. She's well known and people routinely try to use her fame or endorsements to try and get attention.

What can I say.

Whether it's a pat on the back or a kick in the balls, you just move on.

We all have different ideas about what's funny and what's clever and what's worth somebody's time. As Donald Trump says, "That's what makes America great!"

JERRY LEWIS SCHOOLS AN AMATEUR

No, Huffity-Puffington, it was NOT a trainwreck.

No, Decider and Gawker, and Stealer, and Re-Writer, and all the other silly websites run by Millennial morons making ad money by directing people to YOUTUBE links. This was not "BAD" at all.

In your own idiot language, I'll tell you what it was: WICKED SICK. OK?

Above, you see what Huffity-Puffington wrote. Oooh, TRAINWRECK. What, "Hot Mess" was already taken? How about "AWKWARD?" That's always a good wimpy word to use.

It has to be TRAINWRECK or AWKWARD or HOT MESS parroted by mealy-mouthed Millinial morons who live for "PayPal tip jar" money, podcast nickels and Google-ad dimes. PS, does Huffity-Puffington give more than a dime for a thousand hits on a piece of junk like this, on a page festooned with "please turn off your ad blocker" ads??

If you do bother to go to YouTube and watch, you'll see clear-eyed and coherent Mr. Lewis school a stuttering fool who was obviously reading from questions on paper and being unprofessional.

UNPROFESSIONAL was obvious to Jerry Lewis from the moment this interview began. The interviewer even admitted that he knew things were going badly when Lewis became increasingly annoyed with the long time it was taking to set up the cameras at his Las Vegas home.

You bet. First off, it doesn’t take an hour to set up a shoot. It took them AN HOUR.

Let's note that news cameras INSTANTLY go out on the fly and get the pictures and the sound. Ordinary idiots pointing their phones at you can come up with results pro enough to be upped to YouTube or even picked up by a network.

Speaking of networks, NBC had a crew come over to visit me for an interview. They were set up in under 10 minutes. What did they need? To put a camera on a tripod, plug stuff in, attach a microphone to my lapel...and GET ON WITH IT.

After an hour of delay (and when you're 90, time DOES become even more precious) what happened?

This silly Millennial dweeb began reciting from his sheet of paper, ticking off the questions like it’s a quiz.

No, it's NOT a quiz, Little Boy. It's supposed to be an INTERVIEW. You're supposed to know your subject, and by your demeanor and how you frame the questions, you're supposed to show your subject that you CARE ABOUT THE ANSWERS, and that you're not just crossing questions off your list as part of a parasitic chore.

Which it was. The interviewer here wasn't that interested in Jerry Lewis. Lewis was only a part of the project, which was to interview as many famous older celebrities as possible (including Norman Lear, Dick Van Dyke and Betty White). Lewis was rightly feeling that he was not being respected and his time wasn't valued. He was just one of many being asked a lot of rote, boring questions.

Dick Van Dyke and Betty White are almost professionally "nice." They suffer fools gladly. Jerry Lewis has never been one of those. He's glowered and glared on talk shows. He's given snappy answers to stupid questions. His Q&A when he makes live appearances is almost guaranteed to include big laughs from insulting some boob in the audience for a time-wasting question.

Twerp, understand: Jerry didn't NEED this interview, he granted it because he expected you to be professional and act like you actually cared about his answers. He didn't like getting the impression you were quickly crossing off questions so you could go spend the rest of the budget at the Bunny Ranch getting beaten on the ass with a stalk of celery.

A lot of the questions lent themselves to YES and NO answers, so that’s what happened. Jerry wanted this fool out of his face, as quick as possible.

If the point is to let people know that people over 90 can still be coherent, go film a minute of Jerry on stage. If you want him to go into detail, act like he's special, and that you're grateful he's spending time with you. Apologize if you've delayed him. Understand his mood. Be flexible enough to either deviate from the prepared questions, or find a way of framing them so they're worth answering.

What this confirms is today’s interviewers are abominably amateurish.

The only positive thing I can say about THIS particular puppy, is that he didn’t simply do what so many do these days: toss out a non-question and demand a response. Like: “You’re over 90. Talk about that.” “You worked with Dean Martin. What do you remember?” “You made movies. What was that like?”

It also confirms that Jerry Lewis at 90 isn't much different from Jerry Lewis at 80 or 70 or 60. What you get from this interview is not a "train wreck" but proof that Lewis is still on track, and can be booked for a new movie, a lecture tour, or even a documentary interview.

Is HE going to do all the work for you and give you something memorable even if you're unprofessional? Yes and no!

Copyrighted Broadcast? Ha! Newspapers use Theft-Loving TWITTER

Here's something newspaper websites can do and that broadcast news can't: STEAL SPORTS CLIPS.

Last night, a trim, ageless-looking Bernard Hopkins (nearly 52 years old) went seven very competitive rounds with Joe Smith Jr (25 years younger). Many thought he was ahead or even, when he found himself up against the ropes and, crouching to avoid punches, through the ropes.

Yes, Smith, the white boxer from New York landed several clean shots. He also landed a questionable final one while Hopkins was halfway through the ropes. You do NOT hit a boxer when he's technically "out of bounds."

The fight could've ended in a disqualification (you do NOT hit somebody "out of bounds") but with Hopkins bitching about his ankle somehow hurting (he actually landed on his shoulders and head), he was counted out for not returning to the ring within 20 seconds.

Almost instantly, people were posting the highlights on TWITTER.

Didn't pay to see the fight? Never pay for premium channels like HBO or Box Nation? No problem!!

Almost instantly, all the website newspapers ran the story. Since almost NONE of them have boxing reporters anymore, they used or re-wrote the Associated Press feed. Or...they simply quoted the result and let TWITTER users, with their STOLEN CLIPS...give the story.

Here's the page from the New York Post, owned by that master of fair play, Rupert Murdoch:

Yes, like dozens upon dozens of other well-known newspaper sites, it was considered, uh, "fair use" to grab stuff off TWITTER, even if it was un-fair use clips from HBO.

What's HBO gonna do about it? Start sending takedown emails at midnight? And who would be on duty? Thanks to flabby Internet law, websites such as TWITTER, GOOGLE and EBAY can do as they please, and merely answer a takedown request in a "reasonable" amount of time.

Chuckles Schumer, where are you? And what happened to Patsy Leahy and his push for copyright protection and Internet sanity?

The Internet is also the Land of 1000 typos, so when some "Decider" or "Gawker" or Huffy-Puffington re-writes the news, don't expect spell-check to help. "Manner," NY POST, not "manor."

But hey, we've got Donald Trump, who spells "unprecedented" as "unpresidented." (PS, my spell check tried to correct my deliberate spelling error! PPS, there's still a glimmer of hope that with the Russian hacking and the twisted Electoral College system, Trump could actually be UN-presidented. How about giving America a month to get the polling booths back and give it another try?)

The interesting twist here is that actual news broadcasts on TV have none of this weird wiggle-room. They are simply prohibited from using clips without permission. PERIOD.

Whether it's the Olympics or a pay-per-view sports event, the sports broadcasters on local news or cable news networks can hardly do more than describe what took place, and MAYBE offer a still photo. No, a TV broadcaster can't say, "Oh, and here's somebody on TWITTER posting an illegal clip of the fight. Let's all look!"