"LAWYER IN HELL"

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Something like that.

Take a weasel of a publisher who actually sued me for three million dollars, a creepy lawyer who in unrelated matters was not only no help but a total obnoxious prick who cost me hundreds of dollars...wait a while, shake well, and you've got: LAWYER IN HELL

My caveat is to mention that I knew an excellent lawyer who got me a very satisfying five-figure settlement on a plagiarist author. So, not ALL lawyers belong in hell.

PS, I did NOT hire a lawyer to defend myself against that 3 million dollar bit of bull-shittery. I went to court alone (with an autographed picture of Judge Wepner in my briefcase for good luck) and defended myself PRO SE.

Did I mention I was once called for jury duty in Federal Court? I was excused. Why? I told the very fine judge (Judge Sweet...cute name, too) that, in my opinion, "Most lawyers are worse criminals than the ones they are prosecuting."

I sort of did an impression of the weasel who sued me, in doing the voice of the lawyer in this song. I hesitate to speculate on where the voice of the devil came from.

LAWYER IN HELL on YOUTUBE

LAWYER IN HELL

I’m a lawyer on my first day down in hell.
So many lawyers in here I just can’t take the smell.
I can’t get heat relief. I’m down to my briefs.
Can I get sequestered in a nice hotel?
The Devil said “NO, lawyers all belong in HELL!”

I put on a tie, I said “You Devil you,
I don’t belong in here and I can give you proof.”
He cut my short and said “Lawyers never tell the truth!”

In law school my ambition was to get rich.
As for right or wrong, well, who knew which was which?
But now I’ve got to dwell with the hounds of hell:
The fate of a son of a bitch
And i’ve got boils and rashes and a permanent rectal itch. (ooh, you devil!)

I cried, “Devil my friend, what was my crime?”
He laughed and said, “You’re doing time for jailing honest men
and freeing worthless slime!”

I cried, “Devil my friend, in your burning tower,
can’t I bribe you with money, sex or flowers?”
He said, “You’re here forever. And that’s in billing hours.”

I had one trick left. I said, “I’ve got one last thing to sell.
I’ll swap it to get out. It’s a great deal, you can tell!”
I said, “Devil can i owe you my soul?”
He said “I took that from you long ago.
It’s judgment day, I’m the judge
so GO TO HELL!”

Can i have a work furlough to someplace less hot, like Mexico? NO
Can I declare Non Compis Mentis? NO
Anybody know a good lawyer? NO!