"Killing Archie" for Fun and Profit

The big news in the world of Comic Conjobs, is that beloved dork Archie Andrews...is dead.

That's what happens when you're a white guy living in the slowly deteriorating Riverdale section? No no no, let's not go there, girlfriend. Archie, who failed as a radio show and never really blossomed into a hit TV show or movie, is being killed off for a much more fashionable reason:

He took a BULLET for a GAY friend.

Killing blacks? Doesn't happen anymore. Killing Latinos? Doesn't happen anymore. Killing some little old Chinese or some guy from New Delhi who looks like he could be Muslim? No. Assassins target GAYS. So now the corporate owners of "Archie" want to "make a statement."

The statement is really: "Nobody's buying Archie anymore." Followed by: "Let's goose sales, like when they turned Green Lantern queer..."

I have no idea if this is actually the end of Archie (a comic book I only read at a doctor's office or barber shop when all the good stuff was stolen). Is this just a cynical trick, and he'll be brought back in a few months via "Retro Archie," his adventures B.C. (before crassness?). Or will they pull the old "he didn't really die, it was a dream" game? Frankly, I don't care that much. I outgrew comics long ago (after a brief fling with Zap and Insect Fear and the rest of the underground stuff). But it's interesting to see how cynical and cutthroat the world of "Comic Con" has become.

I'm in the minority. I don't buy "graphic novels" or comic books. I almost never take a nostalgic look at the small box of them I still have. It seems most people don't grow up. They refuse to leave their childhood crap behind. The only movies that seem to make money in this age of piracy and cynicism involve super heroes or ridiculous sword-and-sandal fantasy. Listen, I'm such a minority that Archie could've died taking a bullet for ME.

I was surprised to know they were still making Archie comics. But I also haven't kept up with Superman's problems. I lost touch after it was announced he was no longer allergic to kryptonite. You might as well tell me "Green Arrow is secretly married to Green Lantern." You could tell me The Metal Men are still around, but Tin had a sex change and went Platinum.

The "creators" (who didn't create Archie but just inherited him) insist they wanted to do something with social relevance (!) and "impact." And what better thing to do than play the GAY CARD. Why, for example, make a statement about women? NO NO NO NO, we can't have Archie take a bullet because Betty was slipped a drug and about to be date-raped by Jughead.

What next? The Fantastic Four's "Thing" moves from orange to the new BLACK and tells the world he was African all along? When will somebody decide that Batman and Robin are an item, and that we must understand that teenage boys have needs and NAMBLA is a fine organization? How about Superman literally blows Israel off the map because a) nobody in comic book land is Jewish anymore and b) Comic Con wants to have a convention in Dubai next year?

Times change. They get worse. Once upon a time, a failing comic strip, comic book or magazine put out a "goodbye" issue and gracefully died. Not so in the comic book world. Here, if you're aging and frail, you're injected with "relevance" and your death becomes a "statement." Sort of like if grandpa is terminal at the hospice...you put a "Let's End Elderly Abuse" t-shirt on him and throw him out a window. You know...it puts the guy out of his misery, makes a "statement" and gets LOTS of publicity.

So long, Archie. And don't be surprised to see a new comic book series, "Betty and Veronica Get Married And Adopt Jughead."

No, Joan Rivers, YOU Shut up!

It's hard to tell these days of Joan Rivers is being obnoxious just to promote herself as "the mad diva," (to paraphrase the title of her latest book).

Within 48 hours, she's trashed the president, the first lady, and anyone against cruelty toward animals.

Worse, she's done all of it without any sense of humor. I love Joan, I admire her, and it's sad to see her not just bombing with ad-libs but with lines that just aren't even smart.

Not that I would ever expect her to apologize. Lenny Bruce told her years ago, "They're wrong and you're right." I just hope she learns that it's not necessary to try and ad-lib a funny comment every time some pimply kid from TMZ shoves a $129 camcorder at her.

The fur gaffe happened during a cable TV interview. She was asked about why she wears fur.

Her ad-lib: "Are you wearing leather shoes? THEN SHUT UP!"

If there's anything that pisses off an animal rights activist or a vegetarian, it's that obnoxious comeback: "Are you wearing leather shoes?"

First off, here's no excuse to wear fur. We're talking about killing, often via slow death, foxes, ocelots, leopards and other endangered species nobody eats for food. What's this have to do with leather? Listen, you want to torture a cow with a prod up its ass and then eat it? Save me the skin. There hasn't yet been a good substitute for leather, but you don't eat fox and almost nobody eats rabbit. Fur is vanity. Fake fur looks damn real. So spare me the "you wear leather shoes" snottiness.

Now about that squelch at the end: "THEN SHUT UP!"

No, Joan. Can we talk? You're not Little Richard, and "SHUT UP" is not funny.

Saying "Shut Up" fortunately doesn't end any debate on the cruelty and stupidity of wearing fur or of hunting and killing animals for sport.

When Joan says Bo Derek is so dumb she saw the sign "Wet Floor" and did...that doesn't really hurt Bo Derek. Putting a bullet into a rabbit, knocking a bird out of the sky, or firing a can't-miss rifle at a leopard to have a trophy...that hurts. You ever see an animal cry out and writhe in agony, Joan? Take a look at some PETA videos and THEN put on your fucking fur coat.

24 hours earlier, Joan made waves for a witless ad-lib against the President and his wife.

I think Joan is a Republican. I don't think she likes Obama anyway. But in response to some fool from TMZ, she ad-libbed: "The President is gay..." and his wife "is a tranny."

The reporter said, "Tranny??"

Joan shouted, "Transgender!"

This wasn't respectful, but more importantly, it just wasn't funny.

Again, I love Joan. I also was a fan of Sam Kinison. It's a matter of personal taste if 1 joke in 100 goes over the line. But it's getting to be a habit with Joan. Please, if you think you have to come up with something ANY time you're asked a question, go to some prepared material, or just do some Don Rickles-type nonsense and say "You're a hockey puck."

It hasn't been a good July 4th Weekend for Joan Rivers, and I hope she gets some rest and takes a page out of some old Steve Allen book. I once asked Steve if there was any subject that was beyond joking about. He said, "No...you can joke about anything. The question is whether you should." In other words, you can think up a hilariously tasteless remark at a funeral...but it might be wise to keep it to yourself.

Maybe Joan can come up with some hilarious reason for wearing dead animals, but "Are you wearing leather shoes? Then Shut Up" ain't it.

Facebook Makes Fools Of Us All

FACEBOOK is a dangerous place. Most anything you write can get trolls, angry comments and abuse.

The best thing is to admit, as a kind of caveat, that you're entitled to your opinion, and you might be stupid.

A typo can help...

7pm Is When You Turn Into a Celebrity

Usually strange things happen at midnight.

In "Cinderella," that's when her carriage turned into a pumpkin.

According to the Daily News, 7pm is when someone magically transforms into a star.

GARY OLDMAN APOLOGIZES FOR ANTI-SEMITIC RANT

I was gonna get Professor Little Oldman after him, or the 2000 Year-Old Man, or some other Mel Brooks invention, but...GARY OLDMAN has apologized. And rightly so.

What he said about Jews running Hollywood could be taken as fuel for antisemitism? It has been. I've seen Forum and Facebook threads the last few days praising Oldman and sneering "Of course they run Hollywood, the Jew bastards...and Jew is NOT a bad name so don't bitch at me for what I say!" Here's a good 'un: "Hollywood takes all the Jewish holidays off! That's proof!" And other chazerei.

First thing people need to understand is Jews do NOT run Hollywood. Aside from Jewish American Prince Harvey Weinstein, it's more likely JAPS of a different type: the CEO of Warners is: Kevin Tsujihara. SONY runs Columbia, not any descendant of Harry Cohn. Aside from actual Japanese, there's Jim Gianopulos at 20th Century Fox, and a wide variety of other Christian types at all the major movie and TV studios.

Denzel Washington, Halle Berry, Morgan Freeman, Tom Cruise, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Will Smith…think they're taking off Jewish holidays to build a Sukkot behind their mansions? Mel Gibson was hired because he was a rugged, handsome guy, like James Garner and other Gentiles. If Jews did run Hollywood, they didn't discriminate, did they? They didn't say "If you don't believe in our religion we'll kill you."

Going back to when Jews actually owned some studios...what was so bad about that? Hollywood's Golden Age meant: Orson Welles, Alfred Hitchcock, Cecil B. DeMille and Walt Disney. The stars were Boris Karloff, Henry Fonda, Humphrey Bogart, Grace Kelly, Marilyn Monroe, Sidney Poitier, Cary Grant, Boris Karloff, Bette Davis, Ronald Colman, Leslie Howard, John Wayne…Jew notice a Star of David on any of 'em?

Antisemitism is absolutely virulent these days...with people blaming the Jews (and Israel) for all the Muslim violence in the world...even in Jew-less places like Nigeria and Syria. Oldman's rant about Jews running Hollywood only adds to scapegoating and stereotyping. It was a classic example of why actors need scripts. They just can't ad-lib worth a damn.

Hillary Clinton at BARNES & NOBLE June 10th

I wasn't gonna get on line at 8am and wait to get a book signed.

Reports said the line stretched three blocks and it took FIVE HOURS.

Fortunately, someone DID ask the question I would have asked Hillary....

I LIKE A SORE LOSER: STEVE COBURN, California Chrome's Daddy

On the same day when Maria Sharapova and Simona Halep went three grueling hours...and ended by congratulating each other...

Just a week after Carl Froch and George Groves went eight grueling rounds of trying to punch each other to the ground, only to end up offering mutual respect (which they swore they wouldn't do after the fight)...

Steve Coburn suddenly thundered out his total lack of sportsmanship. As soon as his horse California Chrome lost (tied for fourth place) he cried foul:

“This is the coward’s way out,” Coburn shouted. He was like some Kentucky Colonel in a Warner Bros. cartoon: "You know of course, suh, that THIS MEANS WAR!"

Cowards? A few other wily horse owners figure their horses are better suited to a mile and half, so they run them in Belmont...and they're cowards?

Some owners are smart enough not to waste their time and money putting their horses in races they can't win...and this seems to be determined by temperature, track and distance (it takes a lot of money to cart a horse to Kentucky, just to watch him lose).

Funny, Steve Coburn didn't seem to be worried about "cowards" when he strutted his paunchy body around before the race, or for several weeks leading up to Belmont. He didn't grimace and say, "My horse might not win, y'all, because of carpetbaggers at that Yankee track at Belmont..."

Nossir.

He was happy to look the part of a millionaire fat cat with nothing better to do than suck mint julep and have the family females mince around in ridiculous outfits that look like they were made by Aunt Jemima (on her day off from makin' biscuits).

They're all pretty much like that, even the nice ones. They're all fat rich guys preserving a vaguely racist tradition of showing off their prize stallions while keeping a sharp eye on the little lawn jockeys who better know their place. In that sense, horse racing has the same whiff of manicured dirt as golf, which is also a rich man's game and loaded with attitude and a sense of entitlement. The main difference is that golf is almost never exciting, while most horse races are...if only to wonder if the beloved horse is going to pull up lame and get shot in the head.

Once Coburn's invincible nag (4-5 betting favorite, most other horses 10-1 or worse) ran out of gas on the long track...the fault was that all the horses ahead of him were...cowards.

"I'm 61 years old and I’ll never see another Triple Crown winner," he cried. 61? Looked more like 71 to me. Looked more like Bad Santa in a plantation hat, actually.

But now, turning a 180 and coming down the stretch, let ME turn around and say: "GOOD FOR YOU, COBURN!"

It's a bit refreshing to see real emotion, real griping, and instead of sportsmanship, an honest attempt to bitch and moan and find an excuse.

Sure, somewhere in the course of his ramble he admitted the horse "didn't have it in him" (which is what the jockey said). But it was more amusing when his rant was met with disapproval from his wife (seen in the photo, looking quite dismayed). After he grimaced his bad sportsmanship to NBC's reporter, he turned on her with an exasperated "I don't CARE!" Act like a sore loser? Don't mind if I do...

He almost had a few believing in his sudden new philosophy (at least, he didn't mention this before the race) that only the original 20 who ran in the Kentucky Derby should be allowed in the Preakness or at Belmont.

A few dutifully wishy-washy reporters actually headlined, "Should horses be allowed to skip the Derby or Preakness??"

"The coward's way out," said Coburn. Only the 20 from the Derby can play!

Which is sort of like saying if a tennis player didn't sign up for the clay at Roland Garros, that player shouldn't be allowed on the grass at Wimbledon, or the asphalt of the U.S. Open. Or that if a boxer isn't in the Top 10 rankings, he can't fight someone who is.

I'm not a tout, but I had a pretty good idea that California Chrome was not strong enough for a mile and a half, and that it would be either Tonalist, Ride on Curlin or Wicked Strong. There were several horses known for going that long distance.

There's a good reason no horse has won the Triple Crown since 1978. Just how many Derby and Preakness winners lost to a horse that wasn't in either race...I guess Steve Coburn looked it up and didn't think it suited his sudden outburst of NO FAIR and CHANGE THE RULES.

If his horse had won, do you think he would've been mentioning any of this NO FAIR and CHANGE THE RULES stuff? Of course not, and that's what's so great about him. Sports needs a "You can NOT be serious" guy being comically ridiculous now and then. Once in a while you want a baseball manager like Billy Martin or Earl Weaver, or a pitcher with pine tar hidden in his cap or smeared on his neck. It gets boring when even Carl Froch, a surly sort of fellow with great ego, can say before the fight, "I will not shake his hand after." Then after, he declares it was a close fight that could've gone either way...until he landed one KO punch.

I never root for a horse to win the triple crown. Rich, egotistic white guys being happy and boastful...doesn't make my day. Having millions of tyro idiots who never follow the sport EXCEPT if there's a triple crown winner...glad to see 'em go to Belmont and emerge disappointed, burping their beer, ripping up their tickets...and ready to go back to the bleachers of a Mets game where they belong.

Tonalist...and Coburn...made this a memorable Belmont!

Take heart, idiots, California Chrome may not have made it, but maybe next year it'll be Google Chrome. Or Google Glasses. Or whatever they want to name the horse they own. Google does own almost everything (even Blogspot) so they have the power to not only own the best horse, but bribe every other jockey to throw the race (Google knows whatever fine or penalty they get is nothing compared to the money they've made). Crowds will cheer the Triple Crown Googler, marvel at whatever "cute" Google animation is on the opening page, and leave Steve Coburn to shout "Cowards! Cowards!" or "Bing! Bing!"in utter futility.