I figured I had maybe a dozen that were more than just rhyming ads to get people to buy food...why not keep going and write several dozen more?
Here's one of those early poems: "I Cuke."
The boy wonder was a wiseguy even back then. I had a line in the original poem:
"And women have told me between moaning grunts
They like to stick cucumbers into their soups."
I was asked for a re-write.
I got away with a couplet that was only mildly risque....
Robert Wolders died a few days ago. Some know him for “LAREDO” and others know that he romanced a lot of famous older women.
He married Merle Oberon. Yes, the actress from another era. How…much…older…was she? 25 years older. In a bit of a steamy scandal, she dropped husband Bruno Pagliai and married Robert in 1975. She died in 1979.
The following year, smoldering Wolders burned in his heart for Audrey Hepburn. Audrey was a mere 7 years older. They never married, but they were a couple from 1980 to her death in 1979. A few years later, and he was carrying on with Leslie Caron, a mere 4 years older. He apparently dropped her in favor of Henry Fonda’s widow Shirlee. They were together until his death on July 12th. “And the odd thing,” Wolders once remarked, “is that Shirley was a great friend of Audrey, and a great friend of Merle.”
As for the exotic Netherland Lothario’s screen credits…they weren’t much. “I wasn’t much of an actor,” he admitted, but he had good looks and got a break with roles in two movies, a re-make of “Beau Geste” and “Tobruk.” Then he went into television.
He turned up as a charming mannequin in a few shows per year between 1968 and 1975, including “Name of the Game,” “The FBI,” “Dan August,” “Bewitched,” “Banacek,” “Mary Tyler Moore Show” and “MacMillan and Wife.” His resume is rather thin. His appearance on “Man from UNCLE” was kind of a fluke; David McCallum was holding out for more money, so they brought in the similarly odd-accented Wolders and slightly re-wrote the script.
Wolder played Erik (the name was his idea), a foppish cowboy on “Laredo.” It would be his most famous TV role. In 26 episodes, he played a kind of Western Ilya Kuryakin…sporting a peculiar accent and a very cool and condescending personality. “Laredo” was apparently failing in the ratings, and with the British invasion still simmering, he was called in to wear excessive and ridiculous paisley “Carnaby” outfits…the kind of thing Judy Carne might expect her boyfriend to wear on a dude ranch.
The other Texas Rangers (played by Wiliam Smith, Peter Brown and Neville Brand) were surprisingly tolerant of this unlikely European. The scripts suggested that being suave and intelligent was an option over brawn and gunplay in the Old West. The cast embraced newcomer Wolders, especially Neville Brand:
“He was a good man. He actually became my neighbor – or I became his neighbor, I should say, because he had been living in Malibu for many years. Then I moved two doors away from him, after the show…I came in the second year, and I expected that they might be resentful, but they were extremely helpful. I’d never done a Western, in fact I was a novice altogether to acting. They were extremely cordial.”
How cordial? For one scene in which Wolders couldn’t manage a fast draw, Wiliam Smith put on Wolders’ pants and shirt and in close-up, did the stunt for him.
Wolders admitted he was a “terrible actor,” and was content to leave show business after his Universal contract lapsed. In his 70’s, he sometimes turned up at memorabilia shows, more to visit old co-workers like William Smith and Peter Brown (pictured). The $20 to sign a photo for some obese and giddy fan was secondary to him. He was surprised and delighted by the way fans remembered him and the show, and how much the series meant to them.
“Laredo” remains a cult classic. Many point out that it was a kind of Western version of “Gunga Din,” which had two young swashbucklers playing jokes on an older soldier, but all sticking up for each other. That sense of fun was present on “Laredo.” The younger Texas Rangers all had a lot of attitude, and a funny sense of detachment about disposing of bad guys. A fistfight would often begin with a quip. Neville Brand, playing the older Reese Bennett, was usually the butt of practical jokes and playful schemes, but always seemed to forget the abuse and end up with a low growl of “ooooh, you guys,” and then a big horse-teethed smile.
Despite its short run of only two seasons (it was buried on Friday night at 10pm and NBC wouldn’t give it another year and a better time slot) there are enough episodes for re-run on cable, and the entire show is available on DVD. By Wolders’ own account, it contains his best acting.
She's the first woman to have a kid and then go back to her job?
The thing about Day Trippers is that they have a mob psychology. They'll mob around anybody who is a winner. They like to be on the winning side. They like to root for the sure thing. It's like all the dopes who don't care about horse racing until there's a Triple Crown possibility...a super horse. Then they shrug about how horses crumble during a race and get shot humanely, and set up their Kentucky Derby party, complete with silly hats.
You see it when there's a "SUPER FIGHT" and most of the ninnies who throw a "do" and have everyone chip in for dip and the PPV price, have to ask, "Which one is Connor and which one is Floyd?"
In this case, it was obvious which one was SERENA. The black one. This led to all kinds of racism on Twitter. But, you know, the GOOD kind. Blacks using their stereotypical Ebonics to show how black they are: "Yo, SERENA, GO GIRL!" and "She be BAD!" and "U 2 Much 4 N E 1" and all the rest of it. Here's one:
See, it's ok to be a racist sometimes. It's just, pride, yo. If Serena was white, this guy wouldn't even be watching the match.
He was hardly alone. There were Day Trippers of every type, like this lunatic who gives Liberalism a bad name, by using the Wimbledon hashtag to scold Americans for being such an awful-awful country:
One might point out that England, France and Holland all plundered Africa, in what we call "colonization." The British empire proudly dug its nails into nations all over the world, bringing technology and their glorious English language. It might also be pointed out that it isn't Americans who have terrorized nations by blowing up offices, stores and concert halls. It might also be pointed out that Nigerians are being murdered by other Nigerians who call themselves Procol Harum. Or something like that. It might be pointed out that Africans greeted trader and explorer Michael Rockefeller with a knife and fork. If all people are humans they are all subject to human nature, which is to abuse their power and seek even more power.
Tennis and boxing are two very different sports but they have something in common. It's mano-a-mano. One person against another. It's not always about who is bigger. It's about who is also smarter, who wants it more, who doesn't wilt under pressure, and who has a game plan. David can beat Goliath. But to the Day Trippers, it was all about SERENA getting her easy record-breaking victory, and having the vicarious thrill of being part of it...either Black rooting for Black, or White Liberal and Feminist rooting for the one who is perceived to be the STAR. Like Kerber? Curb your enthusiasm, you racist fool. You're probably a Nazi. Why root for this German woman just because she's the underdog?
Kerber, by the way, was #1 in 2016 but had a terrible 2017. The Day Trippers didn't know that or care. SERENA was coming back from having a bayyyyybeeeee. And she's SERENA. Screw this other bitch.
Just how deep did it get for the Day Trippers? How about this insane stuff:
That's right, send feminism back a decade. You feel EMPOWERED watching SOMEBODY ELSE play TENNIS? You're in TEARS because one of the wealthiest and best players in the world is going to make more money?
Serena was the choice of royalty. She was invited to the fabulous Royal wedding, and squatting in prize boxes, were the great penis holders of Britain, MEGHAN and KATE. What do they do besides spend the money of British taxpayers and lie back for Princes? They wear clothes. And they are quite taken with Serena.
If you asked Kate or Meghan about their favorite Serena match, they'd just look dumber than usual, blanker than usual, and make something up, like, "I liked them all." Ask any of the Day Trippers, and they wouldn't have an answer either. I remember Serena and Venus going way back to when they wore beads in their hair. After a match, they would pull beads from their hair and give them to fans as souvenirs. They had winning personalities, and they were winning very regularly.
It's just that at 39, Serena has reached the level of breaking records most every time she plays. That's brought out the Day Trippers. They weren't there when she had injuries, and they certainly didn't care about sister Venus and her problems. The topper, of course, is she had a bayyyyyybeeeeeeeeee. So let's become TEARFUL and EMPOWERED because of that. As if there's never been a mom in the Olympics, or in WWE or MMA or anywhere else. Nobody on the tennis tour has a kid?
One happy Twitter-twat actually called Serena a "beast." Now, in this PC age, you do NOT call a black woman a "beast" do you? Well, yes, I guess you do, if you're of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Brain Cells:
I actually Tweeted back that this may not be the best term in the world, and that Serena is not a "beast," but a professional athlete, and one who may be taller and more muscular than the other women, but who uses her brains and her skills to win. In no sport can you be assured of being the winning Goliath just because you're a "beast." The response back was "CHILL."
Meanwhile, more and more Day Trippers were getting impatient. Since they know NOTHING about the game of tennis, they felt the men were hogging the spotlight. See, Day Trippers don't know that tennis can go to 5 sets (and even tie-breakers). Apparently some of them felt the guys were just messing about to ruin things for poor Serena:
For some reason, despite the presence of Serena, who is a star, and breaks records every time she wins, the three major US networks did not pay for Wimbledon. The fourth, Fox, was covering the tedious FIFA soccer matches involving obscure countries and idiots kicking a ball out of bounds for an hour. It was up to ESPN to broadcast the match.
Despite all odds, despite having most of the stadium against her, Kerber seemed to have no nerves, a strong plan, and a great concentration about her. She broke Serena early, and with the announcers muttering "Serena hasn't found her groove yet," took the first set. Even so, they quickly announced that an online poll predicted Serena, the favorite, would come back and win the next two sets.
No. Serena was indeed slightly off (she's 39, Kerber is 30) and once again, Kerber won. She showed little nerves when, at 30-30 and in danger of blowing the championship, she reeled off the next two points in a row. It was an upset. It was David vs Goliath. But few in the crowd seemed to appreciate it. It was up to Serena, interviewed first, to show sportsmanship (or sportswomanship) and declare that she was glad to have reached the finals. Likewise, Kerber spoke humbly about how it was an honor to once again face Serena (she has a losing record against her) and manage a victory.
What tennis SHOULD be about, is the SPORT. Beyond a reasonable amount of human nature (the Germans rooting for the Germans, Americans rooting for Americans, the pervy guys rooting for any woman who still wears tennis panties instead of shorts under their skirts) we should be interested in a GOOD MATCH, and that's all. Yes, we like showmanship. Serena has great charisma on the court, and that's always a plus. Seeing somebody hit with power and dominate a game can be fun. But it's also exciting to watch an upset, and a real chess match. Day Trippers have long abandoned Sharapova, because she kept losing to Serena over and over and tended to lose to quite a few others. Anyone else the average non-tennis fan even can name? Kournikova? No, no, the pretty pouty blonde hasn't been around in a long, long time.
As soon as Williams lost, the NY Post ran the racist headline that she had been "DENIED" the championship. As if she'd been DENIED entry into a restaurant in Alabama:
It's a sad fact that racism IS something that sells in sports. Tennis and boxing are both heavily based on country of origin. Even the announcers will call Nadal "the Spaniard" or point out which is the American or Croatian or in the case of Andy Murray playing at Wimbledon, "The Brit." In boxing matches, the national anthems are always played and the flags literally waved. Announcers will openly delight if it's "Puerto Rico vs Mexico" and gleefully point out the areas where different groups are waving flags. Same deal if one fighter is Polish, or British or whatever.
The nonsensical "World Cup" and the Olympics are both also heavily rooted in nationalism. We're supposed to root for OUR country. We aren't supposed to notice or care or applaud for a great athlete from somewhere else, or of another race. In the reverse racist case here, nobody was acknowledging the achievement of Kerber, just the disappointment in Williams "denied."
Human nature is that yes, some root for the underdog, and some root for the champ, and some root for race or country. What we need to remember is how people like Kerber and Williams reacted after the match: with dignity and humility and respect.
But for most people, it was Roger…who?
I’d characterize him as Alan Young without the sense of humor. Dick York without the freaky face. Roger usually played a mild-mannered guy without all that much personality. He lacked the charisma to be a romantic lead; good looking but that’s all. He could’ve taken the John Agar roles in bad science fiction movies, but…John Agar took those. Lucille Ball gave him a break and one of his first roles, in an episode of "Desilu Playhouse" in 1959. Some "December Bride" episodes followed, and his first sitcom pilot, "Arthur," turned up on the summer replacement compilation series "New Comedy Playhouse," which was how CBS got some use from unsold shows. Also failing that year: "The Trouble with Richard" starring Dick Van Dyke.
The first time I attached the name and face was when he played the son on the one-season (they did 34 episodes back then) “Harrigan and Son.” Yes, the theme song was "Harrigan," the George M. Cohan classic. Pat Obrien played his father. They were both attorneys, handling, as I vaguely recall, some silly or serious but heart-warming cases. A few years later, he played a detective on “Arrest and Trial” which starred Chuck Connors and Ben Gazzara, who did most of the arresting and lawyering. The show was unique for its time as a tedious 90 minute production. I vaguely remember that one too, but I think the tedium probably had more to do with the trial than the arrest. Roger's other major series appearances were 10 episodes of "Facts of Life" and 12 episodes of "Falcon Crest" both between 1981-1985 obviously the continuing character he played on each show was not in competition with the other and didn't have the same audience. The aging actor had few TV credits after that.
Perry was versatile and professional, so he turned up in all the usual shows of the era, from "The FBI" to “Ironside” to “Barnaby Jones.” In one of them, he had a change of pace playing the son of a dating service owner…who liked to kill women. He was very good as the reasonably handsome but twisted villain. He could suavely get dates and just as suavely execute them.
In real life, he was straight man to manic ex-“Laugh In” actress Joanne Worley for 25 years. After their divorce, it took only two years for him to hook up with the exact opposite of brash loudmouth Worley: the Goldie Hawnesque Joyce Bulifant, who played all kinds of charming blonde bubbleheads in the 60's and 70s, and breaking stereotype a bit by playing the comforting wife of Murray Slaughter on "The Mary Tyler Moore Show." At that time she was married to "Bewitched" producer William Asher. Perry's was her fifth marriage but it lasted 16 years…until his death at the age of 85. Prostate cancer. Roger Perry (May 7, 1933 – July 12, 2018) was a card…a “Star Trek” card…but he also had some horror fans devoted to him, thanks to playing straight man to the vampire in both “Count Yorga, Vampire” (1970) and “Return of Count Yorga” (1971).
Already, I'm confused. He's in England? Doesn't he have a home in California like every other Brit? I haven't seen John in person in a a while, but the last time I did, he had a West Coast home.
OK, the headline seems clear enough. But the actual article by some twit-twat named "Mel Evans" is a mess.
We have John as a sex change ("SHE told BBC"). Evans, supposedly a reporter, writes "APPARENTLY" twice. Evans doesn't know? Evans is guessing?
She ends with a confusing sentence about an inquiry "which looked at press standards, with "kicked out by right-wing governments." Make any sense to you? Mel (women named Melanie seem to have a penis envy that shortens their name so they'll be likened to a man) IS writing on a keyboard. But maybe her long fingernails (spent more time in nail salons than in English 101 APPARENTLY) got in her way, APPARENTLY?
Next, this silly cow explains that SHE is not a reporter who got on the horn and interviewed John for clarifaction. She was just WATCHING THE TELLY and copying down what she saw between John and Emily.
Then she tosses in some daft line about "Love Island" which APPARENTLY is her favorite favey-fave show on the telly. You think John Cleese watches it and enjoyed the reference?
Another of the "most depressing things about this country" (both England and America) is that the media is now in the hands of confused twats, bullying fools on Twitter, and inanely gushing tabloid websites trying to snag readers to get PAGE HITS because of headlines and NOT the actual article on the page. Do the algorhythms show how long somebody STAYED on a page to try and READ the illiterate chatter?
Is Mel Evans an apprentice? Does she actually get PAID to sit in front of the TELLY all day and to DVR all the chat and morning shows for stuff she can steal?
Well written and researched news is hard to find on nitwit sites that spend most of their money pushing their placement on GOOGLE and BING news aggregates.
Every day these sites have to come up with daily dross and drivel that they hope will drive traffic in...because nobody is going to the newsstand anymore. People want SHORT BITS...little turds of information once called "factoids." Would you call the Cleese piece an ARTICLE? It was a more like some paragraphs colliding like bumper cars at a bad amusement park.
Not too long ago, celebrity drivel was confined to PEOPLE and US WEEKLY where they had a week to suss the truth, fact check, proofread, and make sure that if they hired some idiot only because of her Millennial age and her vagina ownership, her mistakes would be corrected.
Then again, the fact that an old British male is even in the NEWS is a surprise. Mel Evans APPARENTLY took some time off from peering at Ed Sheeran tattoos and what color thong a Kardashian wore at a party.
