NY TIMES CRITIC - No Fun Steakhouse in NYC - and where's a good CONCENTRATION CAMP?

Not enough bloodlust in fun city?

The New York Times food critic (who apparently uses a crotchety old Muppet man for an avatar so that restaurants won't identify him when he sits down) gave ZERO stars to a famous murder-for-fun place. Er, steakhouse.

In another century, when blacks didn't have their Civil Rights and gays couldn't marry and women couldn't sue for sexual abuse at the workplace, STEAK HOUSES were very popular.

What could be better for some obnoxious blubber-lipped accountant, or a group of sleazy hedge fund weasels, or guffawing loudmouth bankers or sports personalities, than to go to a STEAK HOUSE?

"THICK, MEDIUM RARE, smothered in onions and mushrooms...and POTATOES. No string beans! And let's start with BEER!"

Top it off with a stinking cigar afterwards.

Somehow, this is not everybody's idea of a good time anymore. Having a heart attack and a stroke reduces your ability to throw your weight around at the office.

Just as the Nuremburg Trials and documentary footage of concentration camps took some of the joy out of "The Final Solution," it seems that common sense and a few photos have led people to understand the brutality and stupidity that is involved with putting a steak on your plate.

Cows, sheep and pigs are not very different from cats, dogs and horses. They are intelligent. They can be loyal. They can feel pain.

If you wouldn't kill your cat and have it for dinner, why do that to a rabbit or a lamb?

Why not do it to your next door neighbor? Or as Michael Flanders pointed out (in "The Reluctant Cannibal") if we aren't supposed to eat people, why are we made out of meat?

The bottom line is we should do what we can. Most people don't want to look at PETA's horror pictures. They don't want to read Rolling Stone when the article is about pig shit leaking into and polluting lakes near hog farms. They usually prefer their meat to NOT look like where it came from. Better that it be a burger instead.

No, I do NOT walk around in plastic shoes. But I don't eat meat. It took a while. Same for Paul McCartney who sat on his farm eating some lamb. He looked out at his flock of sheep and realized, "I'm eating somebody's shoulder."

We mourn a lot of traditions, and we fret that we are losing some good old customs. We can do without steak houses. Just like we can do without concentration camps.

Halloween Horror Comedy in "THE BATHROOM THAT YOU SHARE"

Here's a link to another track from my album "HA HA HALLOWEEN."

The album was originally going to appear as one of the first releases from the new label ACCIDENT RECORDS.

Their slogan: "If It's Worth Hearing, It' an ACCIDENT."

But seriously folks...the idea was that a Halloween concept album would trump (pardon the expression) any problem about me not being a household word (like Drano).

The label managed to issue an album by Tom Christopher (who wasn't a household word either) but that was it. It was nice to be encouraged by ANY label, as I wouldn't have knocked off a Baker's dozen of songs otherwise. (A few ultimately did not make the cut, as I do have some kind of editorial judgment).

THE BATHROOM THAT YOU SHARE

Oh look who my warm-up act is THIS time:

Dear Bernie Sanders...I'm extremely flattered that you chose MY fans to be YOUR fans, and that you figured you'd reach your target audience by sponsoring "The Bathroom That You Share."

Every vote counts.

[I have no idea if Bernie will be talking to you when YOU listen to my novelty song. Kamala Harris might've out-bid him, or Mayor Pete. Or it could be an ad for bathroom tissue.]

I've been reading Elton John's autobiography. As you probably know, he didn't work WITH Bernie Taupin. Bernie gave him lyrics, and he went off and put music to them. Sometimes, as with "Your Song," the entire melody came to him as he eyed the words for the first time.

With Gary Osborne, it was the reverse. Gary wanted to hear Elton's melodies and then put words to them.

Me? Sometimes I don't do EITHER of those things. I rarely write a melody and put lyrics to it, but in the case of THIS song and a few others on "Ha Ha Halloween," I didn't put music to lyrics I'd written.

"The Bathroom That You Share" started out as a parody. A friend of mine, who has issued quite a few albums, inspired me to goof around and put some novelty lyrics to a few of his tunes. Some were highly personal, making fun of his then girlfriend, or his boss, but others were more generic.

As it turned out, a few of them were pretty good, but since the music was already spoken for, what now? I went back and wrote my own music to the parody lyrics.

Apparently this IS a technique that some artists use once in a while. Nick Lowe took Chuck Berry's "You Can Never Tell," and turned it into "I Knew The Bride When She Used to Rock and Roll." By the time I was done being "creative" with it, there were enough changes to make it a legitimate original work.

It was said that George Harrison could've avoid a lawsuit on "My Sweet Lord" (aka "He's So Fine") if he'd listened to some good advice and altered a few notes here and there. But who knows, Neil Innes still got into trouble for doing Rutles songs that sounded TOO much like Beatles songs.

James Taylor? Leonard Cohen? It's the American Singer-Songwriter Werewolf!

I love my label...I love my label...

And I'm on the same label as some rather obscure people that I collected years ago: Gunhill Road, Marsha Malamet, Raun MacKinnon, Ron Nagle...

Great. I'm thinking, "wouldn't it be great if one day I got signed to Mercury, Decca, Kapp or Warner Bros. like these idiosyncratic people I admire?"

Now we're all on CD Baby. Wah!

What? It's HALLOWEEN time again...time to feebly "network" and mention that I put out a Halloween novelty album cleverly titled "Ha Ha Halloween."

AN AMERICAN SINGER-SONGWRITER WEREWOLF And that link takes you to the world of the forlorn jerk with a guitar who wants to be a star. (God help the troubadour).

He's the typical sensitive schmuck who sits under a tree in a park, strums, and hopes this will be a magnet attracting a curious female. One who doesn't LOOK too curious, but is deeply IMPRESSED with somebody singing...

Hmmm, how about "Wild World" by Cat Stevens? The opening notes to "Stairway to Heaven?"

Maybe something by Neil Young, Leonard Cohen or James Taylor...or...

The werewolf morphs into those guys, and subtly (or not) swipes notes from his idols' most famous songs. Several more famous singers get auditioned as our hero tries to figure out who to imitate for maximum carnal profit.

As I recall the last time I performed this, the biggest laugh was when I turned into Neil Diamond. Yes, I even broke into some vibrato for that one. Somehow I missed doing a chorus of "Sweet Caroline, OI OI OI," but you can hear that at most any British boxing match, for reasons that are totally spooky, if not downright creepy and perplexing.

OH..."constant interruptions are the disruption of the imagination..."

How amusing that before you can hear me, YouTube, owned by Google, who make more money in a minute than I do in a year, stuck in a commercial for a writing course. Why DID they choose THAT?

Joyce Carol Oates, do you have any idea you're my warm-up act? The least you could've done was tell a joke.

Is she still shilling? Maybe by now they switched to some other 10 second commercial??

As Rod Serling used to say..."submitted for your approval..."

Josip Elic - "I'm Tried!" (Right, USA TODAY, who needs stinkin' proofreaders?)

The man was probably known, if at all, for speaking TWO WORDS in a movie.

Naturally, USA Today had to stick a typo in one of them.

On the positive side, it's nice that on a slow news day (some ISIS asshole finally blew himself up) the death of a 98 year-old bit-part actor got the attention it did.

Elic was also fortunate that in the world of memorabilia conventions, and fanboy worship, he could sit at a table and get $20 (or perhaps more) for signing his name on a photo from "The Twilight Zone" (he appeared briefly in two episodes) "The Producers" (brief moment) or "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."

Who knows, if he had a wily Fred Wostbrock-type of manager sitting next to him at the table, it would be: "OK, $20 for him to sign his name, another $20 to personalize, and on that "Cuckoos Nest" still, another $20 to add his catch-phrase, "I'm Tired."

Yes, USA TODAY, it's "I'm Tired," not "I'm Tried." You'd think that online newspapers, too cheap to have proofreaders, would at least have a "report typo link" on every page, and a way to update and remove mistakes quickly.

He looked in very good shape in that photo, taken less than a year ago. Apparently some of the credit might go to the bombastic Lee Meredith, who has probably signed many a movie still from "The Sunshine Boys" and "The Producers." Let's just add that she was even more amazing in person, and could've been a reason why Jackie Mason's "A Teaspoon Every 4 Years" managed 99 preview performances on Broadway: let's NOT close the show when there's a chance to take a look at Lee Meredith!"

Hopefully USA Today or some other online newspaper will interview Lee for one reason or another...talking about Mel Brooks, Benny Hill, Jackie Mason, and her iconic movie appearances. Let's just hope they don't quote her line in "The Producers" playing the receptionist, as: "Bialystock and Boom!"

HALLOWEEN 2019 - Some Suggestions

It’s SO hard to be completely politically correct. You need a scorecard.

Or how about a plastic blue pumpkin with a message on it, to let you know that there are caring, sensitive people in the world and YOU are not one of them. So get with it.

Now, REMEMBER, if a strange looking ADULT comes to your door with a BLUE plastic pumpkin, that means he’s autistic, and just like any other adult, except he’s out playing Trick or Treat.

He is most definitely NOT an impersonator who just got a BLUE plastic pumpkin to fool you.

He’s also not Adam Lanza, who was just like everybody else, except he shot his mother and then went to a school and shot up everyone. Somebody like THAT might be autistic but would NOT be carrying around a blue plastic pumpkin. He’d be carrying an AK-15. Big difference.

Behind the adult with the BLUE plastic pumpkin might be an adult simply going around collecting money for a charity you never heard of. Don’t be a GRINCH and demand to see proof the charity exists. Trust that this person is legit. All you have to lose is some money.

Next, when the kiddies come around, be aware that SOME might be VEGAN, and SOME might be vegetarian and SOME might have peanut allergies and SOME might take offense if you offer something racist (WHITE Hostess Sno-Balls) or sexist (ladyfingers) or offensive to Muslims (ever hear of HALVAH as an alternative to a Snickers bar? Look into it.)

Killer Clowns and Joker outfits. Don't be alarmed. They are reflecting the anxieties of today's culture: that not everybody finds violence hilarious.

Remember that 6 and 7 year-olds are completely mature, have their personalities hot-wired, and know exactly what they are. If they choose to wear a sheet and go as a ghost, they are GENDER NEUTRAL. Don’t say “are you a little boy or a little girl?” If it’s not a sheet at all, but a totally black Ninja outfit, and the person is holding a pressure cooker, wait until they put the pressure cooker down, and start running, before making a decision on whether or not to close the door. Chances are it won’t matter by then, as your door will be 100 feet in the sky, and so will you.

Planning not to be home on Halloween? Now, why wouldn’t you want to be part of the fun?

Golly, My Trendy People - Harvey Weinstein is HERE? What...do we...doooooooooooo?

There was some kind of trendy-party event that SOME people HAD to be seen at.

Off in a corner, sitting a a table with a few like-minded hangers-on, was the disgraced Harvey Weinstein.

You remember Harvey?

You also remember United States law? Innocent until proven guilty?

So, this power-mad sex-crazed slob is watching this D-list event, and some stand-up comic nobody heard of got up and made a comment about Harvey being in the room. Instead of applause, she got a heckle of "Shut Up."

Next up, a whats-it decided to get into the act. As you know, if you've had the misery of visiting a public bathroom, ANYONE can come in, wearing ANY insane outfit, declaring that they "IDENTIFY" with YOUR gender. Even if this is a delusional farce.

When inmates run the asylum, they can do as they please.

This whats-it, who prefers a neutral gender identity, and is SO arrogant and egotistical that only the PLURAL will do, is a "THEY."

Here's what happened:

Got that? In a variation on the royal WE, a D-list THEY decided to confront Weinstein and make a stink.

This is in America, by the way.

The new free speech is to be able to verbally accost anyone. Go ahead, get in their space. March around a restaurant chanting slogans about your issue. Harass people. Do unto others and then leave.

Also have the freedom to make a newspaper waste a little extra time and ink explaining why YOU want to be a THEY instead of a SHE, HE or even an IT.

What's the take-away from this non-event? That Weinstein is already a prisoner and should be under house arrest? A judge didn't think so. That Weinstein, and EVERYONE in that room needed to pass some kind of security test before being allowed in? Well, at a private club, any "velvet rope" event, people CAN be excluded based on their looks. Otherwise, too bad. Might as well do the unthinkable, and vet all the employees to see which ones might ALREADY have a CRIMINAL RECORD or be on PROBATION and therefore, should be shunned and starved with sanctions, and forced to leave the country or something.

On the bright side, some grinning publicity whore idiot got her picture all over the Internet and in the paper:

This woman (she DOES want to be a woman, not an IT or a THEY or an asparagus) had a solution. Had she KNOWN that an activist would be uncomfortable with Weinstein (or a non-vegan cheese, or air not scented with burning cinnamon sticks), the activist would be allowed to grab a microphone and reach out. Speak out. Give vent. Verbalize. Express an opinion. Bore everyone. Have a special privilege.

Surely, this is going to be the wave of the future? Anyone who doesn't like the dinner should be able to get a microphone, say some bad comments about the chef in front of all the other diners, DROP MIC, and leave?

Surely, anyone who attends a Broadway show and thinks an important point about Syrian refugees hasn't been covered, should be given a microphone and allowed to sing a protest song?

Whatever happened to...if you don't like it, WALK OUT? QUIETLY? Both you, yourself, and, referring to both her asshole and your brain, which are inter-changeable, THEY?

That new Cirque Du Soleil Bear Act

They're working on it...

The idea is to branch out of Vegas, and present impromptu shows in rural areas. Reach out and bring entertainment to those who really need it.

"They'll eat it up," somebody said. I think this was referring to the bears.