South Dakota Jettisons Joan Jett from Macy's Parade

What do you know about South Dakota? Nothing. Because what's in South Dakota? Nothing.

If you think about it, you might recall that "Mount Rushmore" is in there, somewhere. It's a monument to four American presidents who believed in freedom, an exchange of ideas, and some kind of liberty and justice for all. But...not so fast. Let's not promote a vegetarian lifestyle. And let's not promote being kind to animals!

South Dakota's thriving industry is killing cows. The last thing they want to do is let anyone know, even subliminally, that there are animal lovers such as PETA, or vegetarians such as Joan Jett, who don't want to harm animals or turn them into burgers for recreational gorging, or hot dogs for eating contests.

And so...lobbyists in South Dakota, in the exact opposite of Mount Rushmore's spirit of Democracy...raised a stink and demanded that Macy's remove Joan Jett from the South Dakota Thanksgiving Day float.

Why tell the world that South Dakota is for tolerance, free speech, and allowing people to make up their minds about whether to eat meat or not? Why celebrate "diversity" of thought?

The irony here, is that Joan Jett has played South Dakota, felt honored to represent the state, and had no intention of wearing a PETA button or doing a cover of The Smiths song "Meat is Murder." She just wanted to help out South Dakota...but they were too paranoid and too hung up to allow it.

So what sort of artist actually represents South Dakota? Anyone have a phone number for Meatloaf? Is Kate Smith dead? Maybe Ted Nugent would be a good choice but heck, is everyone in South Dakota a fan of out-dated 70's rock music?

In case you're wondering how Joan Jett got involved, it was because NOBODY ELSE WANTED TO BE ON SOUTH DAKOTA'S FLOAT. According to Associated Press, the choices made by the South Dakota State Tourism board either turned down the offer or had other commitments (like attending a bullfight?) Macy's began to check on who else might be available, and were rescued by Joan Jett, who thought she had a lot of fans in South Dakota.

Now Macy's will have to find some other float for Joan...and try and find someone else to suit South Dakota's demographics and prejudices.

In case you're wondering who was on the float last year...it was DON McLEAN. As per the standard arrangement, he got $5,000 to perform, and Macy's got $175,000 from South Dakota as the fee for allowing them to promote their state in the parade.

SOMEBODY sure made a mistake, didn't they? His big song was not "American MEAT Pie," just "American Pie." Another song of his, "Prime Time," has a line about "chemicals in everything, including me." Hey, South Dakota, what hormones DO you inject into your beef?

An earlier year saw Neil Diamond on the South Dakota float. Pssst, South Dakota. The man is a JEW...you don't allow many of THEM in South Dakota, do ya? Weren't you afraid a bunch of Jews might come in from Brooklyn and ruin your fun by promoting the kosher way of slaughtering beef? Or suggesting all dairy meals and NO CHEESEBURGERS??

Poor South Dakota. There are many more musicians and rock acts that you'll have to veto, with the same urgency Nikita Kruschev used back in the days when he was pounding a (leather!) shoe to make his points. You Meat Heads do NOT want to book...

BREAD, VANILLA FUDGE, STRAWBERRY ALARM CLOCK, HOT TUNA, SUGARLOAF, Chuck BERRY, CREAM, RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS, Robert PLANT...