RLS: Adie Hitler, it's nice to see you. Well, actually, I can't see you too clearly.
AH: I know. My face actually IS blurry.
RLS: It's certainly a great feminist protest to walk around with your boobs hanging out.
AH: Yes, I am inspired by activists such as Kim Kardashian and Blac Chyna!
RLS: And what's their cause?
AH: Publicity! I'm famous now. I could be a model! I would like to be on the runway.
RLS: Yes, I could see you on the runway...in the path of a 747 flying out of Germany. Germany has so many problems. There are immigrant rapists, for example, exploiting women just like you. So why pick on an 81 year-old Jew?
AH: An 81 year-old WHAT?
RLS: Jew.
AH: I rest my case. In fact, I rest my boobs. Notice my bra?
RLS: Yes. You found a seamstress on Etsy willing to re-sew a Nazi banner into underwear. About this Woody Allen protest, why did you want to disrupt an old Jew playing a clarinet?
AH: My grandmother always hated Benny Goodman.
RLS: What did Benny Goodman ever do to your grandmother?
AH: It's what he didn't do. He turned down her request to play "Deutschland Uber Alles."
RLS: In concert?
AH: No, in front of a train going to Auschwitz. She had this "Pied Piper of Hamlin" idea. He was playing a concert in England, I think, and Grandma Hitler tried to send a coded message to him, asking him to come over. Her plan was for him to give a concert for Jews, lure them onto the train, and then he'd be pushed in, too.
RLS: Maybe he would've sent a polite message back, saying he couldn't work it into his schedule. Did he get the coded message?
AH: No, it was intercepted by Alan Turing. One of those "Pink Triangle" people. Ach. I am SO full of hate. As if that's a bad thing. Do you know anything about how Dylan was molested?
RLS: I know he hasn't seen Joan Baez in years. I don't know the story. You know the story?
AH: No, not Bob Dylan. Dylan Farrow.
RLS: I don't know the story. Only Dylan and Woody know the story. YOU know the story?
AH: I am entitled to protest! I'd rather have 1000 Muslim immigrant rapists going wild in the street than an alleged Jewish sex pervert who touched a girl 20 years ago. Isn't Ronan Farrow cute? So Aryan! He can't possibly be Woody Allen's son. Mia helped him get work. She is SO nice.
RLS: I have no idea if she's nice and facts indicate Sinatra could not have been the father. But why care? Why do you care more about celebrities than your own family and friends?
AH: What a great name, RONAN. So sorry his TV show didn't automatically get high ratings, like Anderson Cooper. He's not really one of those gays is he?
RLS: I don't know. Not my business. Fortunately, in American culture, you can't intimate somebody is gay and ruin their career. Whisper "child molester," and that works. Start a boycott campaign.
AH: Like don't buy from Israel! Don't you just LOVE Roger Waters? And ME? I'm FAMOUS now!
RLS: Today only. Say, people always pay attention to a topless woman, don't they?
AH: No, not if there are a lot, like at the beach, or at a march. It's better if you are the center of attention. There I was, center stage!
RLS: For 15 seconds. Woody and his band hardly missed a beat.
AH: Did you ever hear a German band? Hey, what kind of Jew plays Dixieland and not Klezmer? Why doesn't he stick to his own kind? And why did he marry an Asian?!?!
RLS: Someone he's stayed married to a long time. Imagine, he's had a successful relationship while some of his protesters have gotten multiple divorces or never got along enough to even marry once. So she's Korean. Americans are funny that way. They assimilate. Could you assimilate?
AH: I could have assimilated, but I showed my tits instead. I could have shown y ass but I wanted to see all the reactions from the audience! For a moment there, I was the star, not Woody Allen!
RLS: Yes, a woman going topless to call attention to an alleged sexual incident in another country in another decade...I understand. Sure.
AH: You do?
RLS: I was just saying that to be nice. You two men in the white coats? Come and get her. But please, here's a scissors, cut two holes in the strait jacket. She is very proud of her boobs.
AH: Not just Der Titzens! I take off ALL my clothes! There! That'll teach Woody Allen to play Dixieland clarinet in Germany! Take a look at THIS, my friend.
RLS: Very nice. Next time I go to a Woody Allen Dixieland concert, I'll remember you, and call out a request for "Muskrat Ramble."
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