Charlie Hebdo says GOOD, The Houston Flood Killed Texas NAZIS

Oh, Les Provocateurs! Sapristi!

The latest issue of Charlie Hebdo offers a picture of the flood victims in Houston. Their take? Texas is 100% rednecks. They're all a bunch of Nazis.

The translation on their cover cartoon on the Tropical Storm Harvey disaster: "GOD EXISTS! He Drowned All The Neo-Nazis of Texas."

Here are some of those NEO-NAZIS:

We don't have a complete list of the dozens of people who were swept away in flash floods, or drowned trying to save others. My guess is that very few even looked like "rednecks."

We all know that it's common to splash hatred with a very broad brush. "The French are all a bunch of cowards" for example. It's easy enough to say, "The South is loaded with Nazis and KKK members." Saying it in a moment of anger is one thing, but putting into print, and pretending it's "satire?"

This comes from a magazine that had more than a few antiSemitic cartoonists. SINE (Maurice Sinet) was openly hateful toward Jews. This would tend to make him...A NAZI. He once said: "Yes, I am anti-Semitic and I am not scared to admit it...I want all Jews to live in fear, unless they are pro-Palestinian. Let them die."

Mr. Sinet had a regular column in, yes, CHARLIE HEBDO. He spread his anti-Semitic "satire" there, too, offering snide jokes about Jean Sarkozy (son of the French President) marrying a Jew, and therefore, converting to Judaism.

Sapristi! Charlie Hebdo has regularly made fun of Jews and Arabs alike. They've had their trademark badly-drawn cartoons include jabs at both religions.

I once discussed "bad taste" and "forbidden" humor with Steve Allen. I said, "Is there anything you can't make fun of?" And he said, "No. You can always find a way to joke about something. The question is whether to tell that joke."

Nobody told jokes when the Charlie Hebdo office was bombed by Islamic fundamentalists and members of their staff were killed.

How "Freedom of Speech" Led to Racist Children's Book Insanity

People scream "Freedom of Speech" over plagiarism, stealing and copying, and just about anything you can do on the Internet. The Internet has become the brat heaven for "BECAUSE WE CAN!" Nyaaa nyaaaa.

People who wouldn't dare attempt their stunts in front of actual Blacks or Jews, and wouldn't dare admit to Brian Wilson they are giving away every Beach Boys album on a blog, and wouldn't ask Emma Watson to sign a gangbang Photoshop job they are giggling over on 4Chan or selling on eBay, are happy with their anonymous pranks on the Internet.

Here's another recent example of how low it can go (as if leaking some woman's nude selfies or putting a camcorder into the peephole of a female celebrity's hotel room isn't low enough). It involves a frog named Pepe.

Frankly, and frogly, I haven't delved into the whole story of Pepe, but you can find it elsewhere. Basically, unlike the usual humor of parodying a famous character via rude words or Photoshop antics, Eric Hauser swiped the frog character created by Matt Furie and used it for alt-right racism. As reported at the Huffity-Puffity Post, which is much more clever about plagiarizing news articles and regurgitating them as commentary:

Yes, it's nice that a copyright owner can get justice. What's NOT nice, is that copyright owners have to go through a lot of legal expense, or a tedious amount of hours of hoops to get anyone to cease and desist on the Internet. Google, Paypal and most file-sharing services will insist you fill out THEIR forms, give up all privacy (to prove you are a rights owner), and then wait till they're good and ready to remove the illegal content. They might, additionally, float your takedown request onto the Internet so all can see who "ruined the fun," and give your contact information to the anonymous asshole who was abusing your work.

Key words in this piece include 4CHAN and INSTAGRAM and REDDIT. To say nothing of even more insidious and obnoxious outfits operating from the safety of Croatia, Ukraine, Russia and other Communist countries that love to give away American products for free. The "BECAUSE WE CAN" bunch thrive because of insanely weak laws regarding the Internet. It isn't just "irksome" that some assholes want to give away every album, TV show, movie or book. It's destroying the economy (like climate change, only morons would insist that bookstores and record stores haven't gone under and that artists haven't seen piss poor royalty checks). The bullies of the world, including Google, YouTube, Paypal, Ebay, Reddit, Instagram and Facebook have relied on "they're trying to regulate the Internet, they're trying to TAKE AWAY YOUR FREEDOM" as an excuse for blatantly illegal, racist and vicious activity. And all they're bitching about is having to enforce DMCA Takedown requests, not actually patrol and take preemptive measures.

What's needed is much more direct "red flag" and "report item" and "report abuse" prompts on websites, that websites take the reports seriously (and not say "we don't see a violation" or "tell the copyright owner to file"). If somebody is doing something obviously illegal, like bragging about using Zippysharee to give away every Neil Young album, demand proof that this person has an agreement with Neil Young to do it, don't expect Neil Young to file a report and give his name address and phone number to verify who he is. In other words, have a human brain, not a frog's.

Piers Morgan, the Asshole Who Can't Say ARSE

The Daily News reported today that most everyone is happy Piers Morgan, the noted provocateur and tabloid newspaper editor, fell and broke three ribs.

The story quoted a Tweet in which Piers said he fell on his "a**e." Which had me briefly wondering WHAT the ASS-terisks were hiding. Ah. He's British. It must be ARSE.

The weird world of MEDIA spins interests me. I'm also baffled by the strange ways in which we are tremendously permissive in showing Kardashian's ass or ogling Hadid's chest or checking out Bieber's dick...but at the same time cringing and bowing to anyone "offended" by mere words.

How is it that the Internet is free to let even 8 year-olds see all the porn they want, and all the racist and rotten (dot com) pictures of cruelty and sadism and Sharon Tate morgue pictures and beheading videos...and yet everyone goes into a rage because somebody wants to remove a statue of Robert E. Lee because mindless rednecks use it to recruit more Nazis into their secret basement hate-parties.

So, did the Daily News actually censor the word ARSE or did Piers Morgan do it?

Backtracking through Twitter:

Morgan did it. Piers Morgan self-censored himself! Didn't this guy work for a newspaper that routinely published topless pictures of the Woman of the Day? Now he's afraid to use a word that AUDREY HEPBURN spoke in "My Fair Lady" over FIFTY years ago? ARSE is on the "No No" list?

I can understand the Daily News censoring CUNT. The Twitter user who called Morgan a CUNT ended up calling him a C**T according to the Daily News. Naive readers might have thought, "Oh, Morgan is a Colt?" I've been watching the slow-but-sure censoring of various mild epithets. The media is often prone to censor "The B Word." It would OFFEND feminists to say BITCH, which is simply used to connote an obnoxious or barking mad or evil woman who is behaving like a female dog? The media is creating an alphabet of euphemisms, as various groups growl and grind their teeth over what OFFENDS them. We're going to run out of initials. We've got "The C Word" and "The F Bomb" and the "N" word and the "S" word, and many have added "The B Word" and the "A Word" (ass or arse) and hey, we already are having duplication. "The F Word" in some contexts, is FAG not FUCK. There's "The P Word" that sometimes is disallowed even when talking about a cat. And on it goes. Somehow, the same media that doesn't think twice, and doesn't think at all, about showing a burn victim, a beheading, and almost any act of cruelty on the front page (with no spoiler alert for those having lunch) a simple word like "arse" is censored because it might upset somebody.

There's still a lot of confusion. Conan O'Brien on WTBS, can say SHIT but not FUCK. The latter is censored. This recalls the old Lenny Bruce gag that Priests and Rabbis have a different take on these two words. SHIT is ok, because both the Priest and Rabbi shit. But only ONE of them FUCKS.

Rolling Stone: Pro Gay, Muslim-Correct and Tolerant of Piracy

Over at Roiling Scone, run by the once-straight Jann Wenner, you come to expect a certain tinge of gayness. Why else do you put that awfully cute Muslim terrorist on the cover? The one who merely blew up the Boston Marathon and knocked the legs off children?

Remember that one? He's sooooooo cuuuuuuuute. Isn't he, Jann?

You remember the Scone. It's the magazine that once put Lennon on the cover in a fiery interview that included a slam at Mick Jagger for his "faggot dancing." Now? Now, some covers look more like the mag is aimed solely at gays and a few swooning teenage girls:

A few issues ago, the cover boy was hunky handsome Trudeau, the Prime Minister of Canada. Jann Wenner swooned, "Why can't we have HIM as President?" Because, uh, he's CANADIAN? Nevermind, he's sooooo cuuuuuute. Isn't he, Jann?

Scone's website trumpeted four important articles you should click to read. One was a gushy drag-queenish gawk at Taylor Swift, another was something aimed at kiddie nerds who love "Game Of Thrones" and "Yasss Queens." Then there was the spectacle of two men stripped to their boxer shorts, and a piece of transsexuals. Gosh, Jann....this doesn't seem like ROLLING STONE does it? In every issue, the magazine harks back to point out how important it used to be. One issue had a piece on Hunter Thompson. Could Hunter Thompson write for the magazine NOW? Not unless he had a sex change and called himself Cunter Thompson. Not unless he wrote about "Fear and Loathing at what Taylor Swift wore in her Video."

The Scone got all buttery about the McGregor-Mayweather fight, but not because it was a SPORTS event. Because it was a GAY event.

Here's the lead for the article:

WHAT the FUCK?

First off, props to Roiling Scone for letting go so many veteran writers, and making sure to play the race card and hire people with visibly ethnic names.

Seerat. Nice to know Rolling Stone is fearless in making sure that Isis doesn't blow up their office. As in: "We can't do that, Seerat works there! This magazine is on our side!"

But wait a minute, Seerat is talking about DICK.

IF I'M BEING HONEST, I didn't think a match-up between a young and powerful fighter with little boxing experience, and an old veteran known for defense, had anything to do with DICK SIZE. Call me straight, but when I watched the fight, I didn't ONCE think "Gee, I wonder who has the biggest dick." But SEERAT did. I thought the interest was in a 29 year-old so-called KO artist MMA fighter with no boxing experience vs a 40 year-old guy who hadn't KO'd anyone since 2011, was known for defence, and was retired for nearly two years.

It was really a DICK MEASURING contest? Seerat is either gay, or a hack who has a very boring idea about metaphors.

What was equally disturbing about Seerat's introduction was that it also condoned piracy.

Seerat begins his pointless after-fight ponderings by noting that everybody on the Internet saw the fight. Like that's a GOOD thing.

Roiling Scone, you may recall, once had a column where they featured piracy blogs. Yes, they actually did. They told people all about Tofu Hut and other places where you could download illegally. Scone kept doing it, until the record labels that advertise began to complain. So, Scone IS a bit soft on piracy because "we all like FREE."

Maybe Seerat thinks he'll always have a job at the Scone because the magazine will always exist online, even if piracy is forcing actual magazines to disappear from actual newsstands. No, I have news for you, Seerat, Scone will just be another hapless site like Decider, Newser, Cannibalizer, Paraphraser, Plagiarizer and GNU-Rights Stealer, struggling to get ad banner money.

Because content is easily pirated. Just like the Mcgregor-Mayweather fight.

Does the Scone really think that a mammoth bunch of people are going to go read Seerat's gay analysis of the fight, when they can read 500 other opinionated assholes at Huffington Post and on blogs? Or see a bunch of idiots posturing their video editorials on YouTube?

Maybe Roiling Scone is carving a niche hoping to get more and more gay readers. Talking about DICK SIZE and covering cutie-pie singers with no talent IS the one-direction they are taking.

It's a bit sad and ironic, that a magazine that thrived on Bob Dylan covers, and championing prog rock, now has almost NOTHING to do with that type of music. Maybe there's an article on Tom Petty now and then, or a review of the latest from Dylan, or a picture of McCartney or Ringo giving a thumbs up or a peace sign. But when it comes to promoting a new album from Procol Harum, or mentioning the Strawbs are in the studio, it's a big FUCK and YOU. It's more important what some rapper idiot does, or if Bieber took his shirt off again.

As Seinfeld would say: "Not that there's anything wrong with that." It's just that Rolling Stone was, and should remain, a magazine of REAL music and politics. There are plenty of gay magazines and teen magazines without Rolling Stone turning into something you'd expect Jimmy Savile to edit.

If some of the thousands who read my blog every day (!) think there's something anti-Muslim about this piece, fear not. Like Bill Maher, I don't single out one particular religion that happens to account for almost all the terrorist activity on the planet. And to offer you a polar opposite to be found in the very same Roiling Scone, I am VERY much against the moronic use of Yiddish expressions where they don't belong. Another feature article in the Scone was a silly and gay piece on what various people WORE at the VMA's and what moments were tongue-clucks or not. The opening paragraph included the words KVELL and KVETCH. WHY?

This is Rolling Stone, not Heeb. (That's a real magazine.) PS, Rob Sheffield, one of the GOOD young writers at Rolling Stone, wrote a separate article on the VMA's so this one with the KVETCH and KVELL was just badly written repetition.

Meanwhile, getting back to Seerat, if you want to read a sample of his dubious intellect and worthless opinion, here's a snippet, in which he gleefully discusses why YOU watched the fight. Maybe it's because you're a racist.

Lesser Known Moments from Broadway

You're not going to have a great success when the music and lyrics are by Leopold and Loeb.

The original story was based on a Bazooka Joe comic insert.

Mort spent most of the show with his hand against his jaw, which at least prevented the audience from hearing some of the dialogue.

Director Ray Charles never worked again.

Losing ten million, twenty million to piracy doesn't bother some people. So let's have MORE.

People don't know how to stop piracy but they know how to document it. Odd, huh?

Somehow, it's easy to discover all the ways the McGregor-Mayweather fight was pirated. NOBODY did anything about, and NOBODY is calling for stricter rules and punishment for violations of copyright. VARIETY has all the figures:

The message being sent is "We now accept piracy as a way of life. We have NO intention of trying to push through a bill such as SOPA or anything like it. Like roach parts in the peanut butter, or the fact that in an urban city breathing the air is like smoking two packs of cigarettes a day, we ARE COOL WITH IT.

Besides, piracy only affects, what, movie theaters, mom and pop bookstores and record stores, libraries, actors and actresses, writers, singers, athletes...

The rationalization is clear enough. We've got plenty of people paying $99 for a PPV fight. People can brag about paying for a fight and leaking it to Periscope or Facebook or Twitter. It's like sharks swiveling through the ocean with lampreys sucking their bellies. And so what if Communist websites make more money via piracy and that money goes to charmers like Putin or Kim Jung-Un. "Balance of power" is too complicated. Just think, "I got to seeeeee the fight for freeeeeee."

And every movie and TV show and book and anything on CD, DVD, vinyl. What a wonderful world. Shrug shrug. You can't put the genie back in the bottle, dude.

So accept piracy like you accept your significant other cheating on you, somebody hacking into your computer and stealing your identity, or some religious fanatic blowing up a rock concert. It's ALL good.

Why proofread fight results?

McGregor vs Mayweather wasn't the only fight of the evening.

Most of the fights involved a stoppage by knockout. Sometimes a fight is stopped due to cuts. But here's a case, according to ESPN, of both fighters punching each other sore!

One black eye, a few cuts...but 90 or more sores???

Twitter Promotes Piracy - Share Share, it's always FAIR

We all know the piracy rationales: "I wouldn't buy it, so it's ok to steal it." And "If the price was reasonable I'd buy it." And "These people make too much money, so I deserve to take a little from them!"

Maybe you saw the headline stories, like this one at TMZ, where you were told that you better pay the $100 because finding an illegal stream might be difficult:

It turned out to be very easy to see the fight for free: just go to TWITTER.

We are only human. So we make up excuses for questionable behavior. The reason there are security guards, and tags clamped onto clothing in stores, is so that people resist temptation. There's no such problem on the Internet. People download anything and stream anything "because we can!" It's rare when even a torrent owner or somebody who leaks nude pix of a celebrity goes to jail. The person getting illegal streams and downloads? No worries.

Grown people who have kids that they lecture to...will STEAL ON THE INTERNET. They might even give their kids the latest Taylor Swift on a download, or the kids will give the parents a complete set of Bob Dylan. They don't feel bad about it at all. It's not like "down the pants" stealing in a store, or walking out of the restaurant without paying. Many brag about their Internet downloads and favorite blogs, and act like they're real outlaws. They'll even check into some stealing forum under some vivid name like Mephisto or JesseJames.

Last night, TWITTER was loaded with MEMES of people smirking, giving the finger and popping their eyes over FREE TWITTER FEEDS: people "sharing" the fight they bought via streaming on TWITTER.

Veterans of PPV-hating know where the best pirate websites are. Some of these sites, like the one formerly known as OLEOLE bounce around a bit and change their names, but few have been shut down. SHOWTIME and friends tried to go after them, and demanded Google be vigilant about blocking searches that involved Mayweather, McGregor and "free streams" or "watch the fight free" and other phrases. Were they successful? Like swatting a barn full of flies with a toothpick. The usual suspects were up and running, with the usual number of blocked channels.

But who needed to hunt around for an obscure site or a link to a Russian language broadcast when...all it took for the average person to get the fight free, was to check TWITTER? Quite an irony, isn't it? SHOWTIME has its lawyers fighting and fuming and making threats...and the biggest social media site has illegal streams a'plenty.

What bothers me the most about this, is the word SHARE.

While it's not particularly nice to STEAL and be proud of it, claiming that you're only SHARING is hypocritical and dumb.

STEALING is not SHARING, and it has nothing to do with FREEDOM OF SPEECH either.

Somehow, because the people who do it have the mentality of 8 year-olds, they've gotten it into their heads that STEALING is ok because it's SHARING. They refused to share when they were 8 years old, and hated it when Mommy and Daddy scolded and said "Share that candy with your brother" or "Offer some of your toys so your sister can play."

Now? "Oh, look at ME, I'm SHARING! I've learned to be GENEROUS!"

Yeah, you're the fucking Jesus of Piracy.

I counted dozens upon dozens of people Tweeting things like "To the person who paid for the fight, and shared the stream...Bless You!"

Human nature is that somebody who had the $100, but RESENTED PAYING, decided, "OK, I'll get even, and I'll give away the fight to God only knows, at least 100 people. Showtime will LOSE some money, and that'll make ME feel better."

That's human nature. That, and the peculiar idea that you get joy from anonymous thank-you's from people who are not your friends and wouldn't give you a penny if you put up a GOFUNDME campaign.

Did SHOWTIME think to go after TWITTER, and tell them to have some extra staffers monitoring the site and pulling down piracy requests and links? Doesn't seem like it, and thanks to weak DMCA laws, TWITTER doesn't HAVE to. All they have to do is honor a request, in writing, submitted by fax or by a filled in PDF form that they choose to use, in a timely manner (which could be a day after the fight ended).

SHARE SHARE IT'S ONLY FAIR! TWEET TWEET, TWITTER IS NEAT!

Taylor Swift's Candy Bar Trial Picture

Talk about making a big deal of nothing. Some guy pinched Taylor Swift's ass. Give him credit for finding it.

The twig-like singer famous for bitchy kiss-off songs on her boyfriends, made a date with this guy. In court. The guy was growling that her accusation got him fired, and all he wanted was an apology for the misunderstanding. Yes, photos seemed to show him with his hand behind Taylor Swift but, er, if he touched the million-dollar backside (make that two million, a million per cheek) it was an assident. Er, accident.

Was the grope worth it? All we can judge by is the infamous picture of Taylor's skirt flying up while in performance one night, due to some malfunctioning wind machine.

Spanx for the memory.

Taylor is notoriously litigious. She even has a VeRO rep who goes after idiots who make Taylor Swift mousepads and t-shirts. Once in a while, the VeRO rep even bothered to check the adult section of eBay where sleazebags were selling about 100 different fake nude images. But no, not that often.

The great Taylor Touch Tush Trial was a welcome relief...from the constant reports on anything fat-ass Kardashian does. Or her sisters. Or her Uncle the Aunt. At least it was something different. In the end, the guy was ruled to have made a grab, and he suffered the penalty: a dollar. It was symbolic. Of what her ass is really worth, if she wasn't a well-known singer of the same song over and over.

Unfortunately for the huge number of flat-chested blondes out there who worship Taylor, and spend their time prancing around doing karaoke, singing along to every sound-alike song, the trial was NOT televised.

This fact led to the funniest moment in the whole fiasco. The court's appointed "artist" (I've put that word in quotes, to be fair to him), gave us a glimpse of Taylor on the witness stand. The guy's name is Kandyba. Which I guess is pronounced Candy Bar. Because he's a bit nuts. His sketch looked nothing like Taylor Swift. He showed it proudly to the media, who reacted as if they were forced to eat a Three Musketeers bar.

Come on, folks. Give the man a break. His sketch DOES look like a famous blonde. LOUISE LASSER.

I'm Speechless

Fish Have a Sense of Humor

Alfred Hitchcock On the Beach

Dick Gregory and Jerry Lewis

You can find all you need on Dick Gregory and Jerry Lewis in the obits.

You can also find my take on them in "Stars of Stand-Up" and "Who's Who in Comedy."

If you want a personal observation on Dick Gregory, I can tell you he was a gentle, soft-spoken guy. If you listen to his records, you may be surprised at his mildness. He wasn't manic like Godfrey Cambridge, or cutting like Richard Pryor. People seem to forget a catch-phrase he used: "So you see, we all have problems."

He knew that the people in his audience may have come for "the word," but they also came because they wanted to, and because they needed to be entertained. His humor wasn't confined to race. And for a "leader," he had tremendous humility. I'm not sure if the way he signed autographs was to avoid spelling a name wrong, or mis-hearing a name, but I liked it: "To You."

In a way, that's a lot more direct than signing it to your name.

I have many autographs in my copy of "Stars of Stand Up." A lot of stars autographed their entry, including Robin Williams, Steve Martin, Steve Allen, Mort Sahl, Henny Youngman, Dick Cavett, Woody Allen, the Smothers Brothers and dozens more. No, I don't have Jerry Lewis, because he's not in that book. It wasn't primarily known for stand-up and didn't issue albums or film a one-man show.

I met Jerry several times, often while covering comedy events including Friars roasts. Jerry was "on," and typically manic, making faces, using props, using people as props. I'm not a big fan of putting WATERMARK or DO NOT COPY all over a photo to discourage piracy and misuse, so you'll just have to take my word. He was a fun photo subject. But my main memory of Jerry isn't that he didn't disappoint when it came to a photo op.

Jerry made one appearance on the "legitimate" stage. He took over for Victor Garber as The Devil in the revival of "Damn Yankees." I was down in Times Square one afternoon, and I thought it would be fun to catch Jerry after the matinee. The theater, directly facing Broadway, had several exits for patrons, stagehands and performers.

Apparently nobody knew which one Jerry was going to use. Usually you can tell where to stand by the small crowd that includes professional autograph-seekers who have photos waiting to be signed and later sold. I was going to give up, when an almost hidden door suddenly opened. I instantly recognized Jerry, and automatically smiled, just seeing him. He was grim. His eyes were unfocused. It was summer and he was dressed in a shirt, bermuda shorts, and socks high up his calves. He could almost pass for a Times Square tourist, except tourists are happy.

Tourists aren't flanked by bodyguards.

On either side of Jerry, like secret service agents, were grim men in dark suits. One of them had a radio, and was talking into it. The trio made their way to the curb. No fans approached. Surely a few people walking by saw it was Jerry Lewis. Jerry and the bodyguards made their way across the wide Broadway boulevard and the traffic, to where a limo waited, heading uptown.

Jerry was not prone toward Jewish comedy. His annual charity event was the Muscular Dystrophy telethon. However, the former Joseph Levitch hardly denied his roots, and could drop in a gag during a talk show appearance. If asked, he would talk about the issues involving his religion. After all, this was the guy who tried to make a film about the concentration camps; "The Day the Clown Cried." Apparently during some interview promoting the show, he was asked about Israel and expressed his support.

This was enough to provoke death threats. As a result, he accepted the assigned bodyguards.

That's my most vivid image of Jerry Lewis. He had just finished performing for hundreds upon hundreds of people in a big Broadway theater. They roared with laughter and gave him an ovation. They left the theater smiling. And he left with bodyguards.

Where did you go? OUT....looking for a Robert Paul Smith book

Written comedy seems to have a short shelf life.

The average bookstore doesn't have a big comedy section, and what's there is more likely to be the latest hilarity from a Sedaris, rather than collected humor from Robert Benchley, George Ade or S.J. Perelman. Most joke books from deceased comedians such as Milton Berle, Steve Allen, Morey Amsterdam and Henny Youngman are out of print.

The Smiths have not had it so great. I accept that a lot of my books have been remaindered, but so have the tomes of Thorne Smith, who was once the king of the "saucy" comic novel. People might remember "Topper," but that's about it. H. Allen Smith write "Life in a Putty Knife Factory" and other works that were once on the shelf next to Corey Ford's 'The Day Nothing Happened" and the cartoon books of Steig.

There was also a guy named Robert Paul Smith. I first found one of his books remaindered at the Marboro bookshop on 8th Street in Greenwich Village, next to the pile of "Ensign O'Toole and Me" by William J. Lederer.

The Smith book I found was a gruff little collection of fatherly advice called "How To Grow Up In One Piece" (1963). I later acquired the even funnier wrote "Translations from the English" (1958). It turned out that his most famous book was written in 1957: "Where Did You Go? OUT. What did you do? Nothing." He wrote serious novels in the 40's that he disavowed, and also verse and children's books. He was well known enough to do a TV interview with Edward R. Murrow. He's hardly known at all now. He also wrote for humor magazines.

Below, an obscurity from the pages of the infamous magazine edited by Paul Krassner, THE REALIST.

Jews For Jerry Lewis - (Another Schmuck Heard from)

Leave it to the New York Times. Really. LEAVE IT. The Times just ran another of those "hey, Jews, feel good while you read us over that BAGEL AND SHMEAR" articles. What's worse, the author, Dauber, picked on the death of Jerry Lewis to promote his new book, which, of course, panders to Jewish readers.

Sprinkling chicken soup and gravy on Jerry's grave, the author insists that obits and tributes didn't place enough emphasis on Jerry's religion. He was a JEWISH comedian, and his comedy, of course, came from 2,000 years of angst. And a shmear. See you after the break.

You didn't read all of it, did you? Found it pretty boring, professorial, pedantic and ridiculous, right? Yes, there's plenty of ways to "play the race card." Isn't it a sign of equality that when some people die, their race or religion isn't placed above their accomplishments? "Joan Rivers, Jewish comedienne Dies." Ridiculous. "Charlie Callas, Greek comedian dies." Huh? Buried in the obit would be the obligatory lines about birth date, education and heritage. It need not be more than that. "Jerry Lewis, born Joseph Levitch..." gives you enough of a clue. It seems pretty craven to start complaining about Lewis NOT being considered a "Jewish" comedian when he wasn't. To do it in order to sell a book called "Jewish Comedy" smells a bit like gefilte past its expiration date. Or gefilte still within its expiration date. The author admits that Lewis wasn't known for Jewish humor, but still has to be a yenta and belabor the point. The guy thinks he's going to whet the (kosher) appetite for yet ANOTHER book on Jewish comedy. As if "The Haunted Smile" wasn't enough? I helped the author of "The Haunted Smile." This was a well-meaning professor who basically wanted an excuse to get the home phone numbers of Jackie Mason, Joan Rivers, Shelley Berman, etc., get some photos, have a chance to hear a lot of tapes of comedy, and have a nice time. His advance was nearly nothing. The book company knew he'd do it for nearly nothing. And for my mitzvah, I got a nice mention in the acknowledgements. I never did read the whole thing, because the title (which he didn't mention) was such a turn-off, along with the stereotypical photo of Woody Allen in Orthodox drag. The premise seemed to be that Jews all have haunted smiles, and their humor comes from persecution and anti-Semitism. Isn't it possible that Jewish comics were simply fueled by the same angst or misanthropy that led Jonathan Swift or Mark Twain to twist the mask of tragedy into comedy? The fact is, most Jewish comedians taking the stage presented themselves simply as funny guys. Henny Youngman told one-liners. Rodney Dangerfield got "no respect" in a variation on sad-sack (and not Jewish) Jackie Vernon. Woody Allen got very tired of the "schlemiel" tag. A few visual gags in "Take the Money and Run" and "Annie Hall" stereotyped him for life. The percentage of "Jew jokes" in his stand-up act was fairly small. After all, he was more influenced by Mort Sahl (who didn't dwell on religion) than Lenny Bruce. Ultimately Woody sued a clothing company that used a photo similar to the Orthodox-drag photo in "Haunted Smile" without his permission for an outdoor billboard. Woody's not interested in being pigeon-holed as a small, brainy, horny Jew with a "haunted" smile. Jerry Lewis didn't fit the stereotype of the small, fretful Jew, ala neurotic Woody Allen, aggressive little Mel Brooks or pushy little Jackie Mason. Why indulge in Academia-babble about how Lewis needs to be acknowledged more for his religion than anything else? Just to reinforce the notion that most comedians are Jews? Just as most doctors and accountants are Jews? Or (ask any Nazi) "all the bankers are Jews." Stereotyping is so much fun. It's hilarious. It gives you...a haunted smile. I asked Joan Rivers, "Why are so many comedians Jewish?" She stared at me. "You mean like Steve Martin, Robin Williams and Richard Pryor?" If you do bother to take a closer look, you'll find Jack Paar, Dick Cavett, Johnny Carson, Jonathan Winters, Bob Newhart, Bob Hope, Dick Van Dyke, W.C. Fields, Will Rogers, Robert Benchley, Laurel and Hardy, Buster Keaton, Harry Langdon, Harold Lloyd...and many more who are not members of the tribe. Being Jewish isn't an automatic pass on an open mic night. These days, the number of Jews in comedy is small and, as usual, doesn't include any of the late night comedy hosts (Kimmel, Fallon, O'Brien and Colbert). Even when I was editing RAVE back in 1988, the covers featured a large amount of Gentiles, including Margaret Smith, Jay Leno and Eddie Murphy, and I ran articles on Emo Philips, Judy Tenuta, Sam Kinison, Bob Goldthwait and Brett Butler. Joan Rivers was sick and tired of the fatuous chicken-fat blab about how The Chosen People were chosen to make everybody laugh. Perhaps she thought that it took away from her talent and genius: Oh, Joan Rivers, well, of course she's funny, she's a Jew. You know, like Blacks are natural singers and dancers with their born sense of rhythm. Jerry Lewis made people laugh by being outrageously childlike. That's how he was in his solo career. Teamed with Dean Martin, Dean was the "parent," just as Bud Abbott was to Lou Costello. Tommy Smothers acted like a kid with his "Mom Always Liked You Best" catch-phrase. It's a style, it's not a religion. If Buster Keaton was Jewish, some professor would have a treatise about how the Jew has a "stone face" to the hardships of life. If Harold Lloyd was Jewish, it would be "with his glasses, he portrayed the brainy immigrant Jew, a "what makes Sammy run" aggressive fellow eager to get the gentile girl." If W.C. Fields was Jewish, it would be, "driven to drink, in reference to Passover wine, he used his brilliant Jewish wit to insult the Christian world around him, and to take pride in his prominent nose." Jerry Lewis worked hard for Muscular Dystrophy. He didn't do the Chabad telethon. His philanthropy was not restricted to his people. Most Jewish comedians are out to make everyone laugh, not just Jews. Only a few comics (Benny Bell, Allan Sherman, Mickey Katz) offered comedy that included a lot of Jewish in-jokes. I spoke to Jackie Mason at length about Jewish comedy, and his point of view was that the more you degrade Jews the louder he'll talk about being one. With his accent, it was hard NOT to. He and Lenny Bruce were among the most vocal in dealing with anti-Semitism. Most others mentioned being Jewish only in proportion to the average comedian referencing personal traits. Alan King, David Brenner and Robert Klein didn't dwell on being Jewish any more than George Carlin did on being Catholic. I discussed this with George, and he told me he was simply more interested in words than in talking about his personal life. For 20th Century America, the generations of performers reflected the "melting pot," and assimilation was more important than accentuating differences. "Cohen on the Telephone," among the first successful recordings, was saying, "I'm like any of you. I can't figure out a telephone." Old 78's included ethnic Irish, German, Italian, Scots, "Negro" and "rube" comedy as well as Jewish comedy. Jerry Lewis was a funny guy. That's all that needs to be said. Pointing out that he was Jewish serves what purpose? To try and encourage Jews to try and be like him? Adam Sandler is Enough. Jerry influenced Gentiles too. One of Jerry's first bits was miming to records and making faces. Chevy Chase adopted that routine to mocking and miming how others talked. He'd sit next to someone and do his best to be distracting, irritating and disruptive, and you can't say he had a "haunted smile" or did it out of 2,000 years of persecution. The fact is, Jewish comedy petered out years ago. It's over. The same with Chico Marx-type Italian dialect. The same with Yogi Yorgesson's Swedish novelty songs. Jews have assimilated. Jerry Seinfeld never made being Jewish a big part of his stand-up act and resisted making it a big part of his TV show. His parents and George Costanza's parents were just...PARENTS. Today, Louis C.K. is considered the major stand-up, along with Chris Rock and Dave Chapelle. "Saturday Night Live" rarely had a Jew in the cast. Sitcoms, most of them Gentile ("I Love Lucy," "Honeymooners," "Dick Van Dyke Show") have rarely starred a Jew in the past 10 years. It's possible that a more interesting book would be on the DECLINE of Jewish comedy, and why discussing the Jewishness of Jerry Lewis is irrelevant, if not pandering and insulting.

Senator Pauline Hanson's next impression: Cousin ITT

"Senator go for laugh. No get." Or was she trying to make a serious point? Why in the world was Seantor Pauline Hanson sitting among the wombats (or whatever the Aussies call their elected officials) dressed like a beekeeper?

OH.No, no, not a beekeeper. A RELIGIOUS MUSLIM. Let's remember, everyone, if you believe in leprechauns, you're nuts. If you believe in flying saucers, you're nuts. But if you believe there's an invisible Allah-kazam who insists you're too damn ugly to appear in public...RESPECT! You know what's missing from recordings of The Bible and The Koran? A laughtrack. Stick one on, because the stuff in those books is pretty damn funny. Those books don't have any pictures, but the people reading INSIST that you better wear a beanie on your head in a certain shape and style. Or a certain type of satin dress, guys. Or a collar turned around. Or a burqa. Was it Jesus who suggested that people remind him of how he died? Was that shot down from heaven via paper plane? "Addenda to the New Testament...you can't be a Christian without wearing a crucifix." Not funny. Not funny at ALL. If you believe in an invisible friend, to the point where you KILL other people, then you better be taken SERIOUSLY. Or, well, you'll KILL other people. As in, "He told a joke about my religion. I killed!" Oh, wait, that happened at the Charlie Hebdo office. Getting back to Senator Pauline Hanson, she's apparently a member of some crackpot right wing group Down Under. So, what, instead of a practicing Koala she's a Tasmanian Devil. Or a Platypus. (Look, if America has Democrat Donkeys and Republican Elephants...) She put on the burqa to point up how creepy and kooky, mysterious and spooky Muslim women are. And perhaps Muslim transvestites. What? That doesn't look creepy? We want to add to the lack of security in the world by saying it's ok to cloak yourself? Wear a ski-mask? Oh, a ski-mask is not ok? What about if you're with the Sacred Order of the Ski Mask, which believes the Ski Mask should be worn with the Magical Underpants of the Mormons? Don't discriminate against the Ski Mask cult! The mask was designed by L. Mother Hubbard herself, the Betsy Ross of religious fanatics! Right thinking, or rather, LEFT thinking Wombats immediately complained that Senator Hanson was way out of line. (They assumed Senator Hanson was under there). She announced that as a member of the "One Nation" party she was anti-immigration and felt the burqa was a threat to national security. "There has been a large majority of Australians (who) wish to see the banning of the burqa," said Hanson. Attorney-General (that's sort of like a kangaroo but without the pouch, and more privileges) George Brandis thundered at Hanson's cunning "stunt." He declared: "To ridicule that community, to drive it into a corner, to mock its religious garments is an appalling thing to do and I would ask you to reflect on what you have done!" Remember, "RELIGIOUS" is the key word when it comes to garments. Believing in a God of some kind, confers upon the believer a certain, oh, sanctimonious superiority to everyone else. A certain, shall we say, INTOLERANCE to others, especially other less enlightened religions? Ever hear of Holy wars? A politician named Penny Wong (I am resisting a Beatles song joke here) told Hanson: "It is one thing to wear religious dress as a sincere act of faith; it is another to wear it as a stunt here in the Senate." Yes, it's the difference between being a religious fanatic nut who thinks there's a God who is a fashionista, and somebody trying to make a point about getting along and assimilating. Next time out, Senator Pauline Hanson will put on a hairy outfit and a little black hat and sunglasses, and be COUSIN ITT. I hope that this doesn't displease the chief wombat presiding over the Aussie politicians. I hope he might even laugh, and see how ridiculous COSTUMES are.

Senator Al Franken & Elizabeth Warren PAYPAL IS STEALING FROM YOU.

Here's a typical EBAY bootlegger stealing from Senator Elizabeth Warren. She wrote a book, and might get $2 royalty per copy sold? This creep gets DOUBLE THAT, with no profit to Warren or her publisher.

And EBAY and PAYPAL are just fine with it, because THEY profit from the theft.

Bootleggers on eBay are SO brazen, they steal from SENATORS.

Here's a different parasite pickpocketing Al Franken, with EBAY and PAYPAL acting as pimps, looking out and guarding the crook and taking a percentage:

What if Al Franken called up eBay (1-866-540-3229) and said, "Somebody is bootlegging my book. Take the auction off."

He'd be speaking to a sing-song cheerful voice from Pakistan, perhaps. "Oh dear," sings the voice, "my goodness! Well, you'll have to contact vero@ebay.com, fill out some forms, and report the auction number!"

Senator Franken says:

"Why don't you contact the seller and ask him to show you proof of licensing...not only from ME and my publisher, but for the other FIFTEEN authors he's bootlegging?"

"Sorry," sings the voice, "as a United States Senator, you should know about the weak DMCA rules that have not changed in all these years. Over the past 15 years or more, eBay's become the 9th biggest Internet company in the world, and Amazon's Jeff Bezos the 2nd richest man IN THE WORLD. And many entertainment companies have been swallowed up by Internet giants!

"We are under NO legal obligation to ask a seller to prove he has licensing. HOWEVER, we will force YOU to give us all the proof. Otherwise, go fuck yourself."

Oh, the sing-song voice in Pakistan might not say "go fuck yourself." One of eBay's charmers who work the phones in some other part of the world would. Like Ireland. If you hear an Irish accent when you dial up phone support, be polite. He might get testy REAL fast and start cursing.

PS, as far as eBay is concerned, even though it is technically against their rules to offer digital books, they do NOT make it easy for anyone to file a report. There is NO drop-down menu for "report seller." You are expected to spend a half hour tediously reporting EACH...AUCTION...NUMBER.

Back to our story of PAYPAL AND EBAY stealing and cheating authors (and other copyright owners).

The playing field not only isn't LEVEL, it's SLANTED toward the thieves.

Some jerk on eBay can even say "I own the rights" or "I am licensed" and this PERJURY is not questioned.

Like THIS bastard, who gets a fresh identity every other week:

Harper Lee's book is copyrighted. Her publisher HAS a VeRO rep who shuts down liars and cheats. But THIS prick still has the nerve to write:

Guess what. If caught, eBay and Paypal do NOT automatically suspend the seller.

They often give a slap on the wrist, and tell the seller not to sell bootlegs. The seller, of course, will continue a few more times, then abandon the seller ID for a new one.

If a VeRO rep points out, "This seller has a dozen accounts," the VeRO department will play STUPID.

No kidding. Either that, or offer a form paragraph, something like, "We have sent your concern along (to who, they never tell you). VeRO can not take further action. We can not advise on what action, if any, has been taken against the seller, due to privacy concerns."

In other words, this is collusion. This is aiding and abetting criminal activity. This is eBay making money with a criminal, and their twisted step-sister Paypal gets a cut, too.

Senator Franken might want to consider "playing by the rules," stacked against him and all copyright owners, and simply figure, "OK, I'm NOT smart enough to outwit the system...and doggone it, not me, not Senator Leahy, not anyone can get a DMCA law passed. And Paypal is NOT going to suck back the money in this bootlegger's bank account and give it to me. But surely, Paypal will make it as easy for ME to file a complaint as it they make it for a BOOTLEGGER to get an account and start selling."

NO, Senator Franken. NOT AT ALL.

The playing field is not level. PAYPAL makes it crooked, and in favor of the criminals. A criminal gets a Paypal account in a minute, gets an eBay account in a minute, and can make hundreds of dollars in an hour, just by STEALING FROM COPYRIGHT OWNERS. All the money HE KEEPS.

You, Senator Franken, had better sharpen your pencil and send in the PAYPAL form.

Yes, contact aup@paypal.com, and they will send you THIS form, which you better fill out to their liking:

Is that clear?

The CRIMINAL does NOT have to prove he owns copyright or is licensed.

The COPYRIGHT OWNER has to.

PAYPAL is on the side of the CRIMINAL because they are getting a percentage.

When, Senator Franken, is the copyright owner in America going to have the same rights as a THIEF?

Can you imagine this going on in the REAL WORLD?

"Excuse me, there seem to be a dozen roach parts in every brand of peanut butter. Isn't the FDA supposed to do something about this?"

"Er, no, we trust the companies to keep roach parts out of the peanut butter. And we have no idea if those are roach parts you are seeing. Hire a lab, pay for the analysis of 50 jars of peanut butter in various states and factories, and have it certified that you found roach parts. We will then warn the sellers not to keep doing this. However if they change the name on the label, start over again."

You can be white or black, Christian or Jew, you WILL be stolen from on EBAY and with PAYPAL. You will be a slave. Your complaints will get you hostile stares, incredulous glares, and a lot of apathy. Like the bullies they are, EBAY and PAYPAL (and GOOGLE and the rest) will say, "Dance, Nigger, Dance. Right through this hoop, Nigger. Now THIS hoop, Nigger. Now any time you have a problem you Dance Nigger. And if you do it just right, we MIGHT take action. Or ignore it for a while longer if you ain't polite enough, Nigger. And then you'll do it all over again."

How long before these two bootleggers are suspended?

How much money do they, eBay and Paypal make and keep before the hoop-jumping is considered JUST RIGHT?

When do the two bootlegger come back under fresh aliases?

The answer is simple enough.

NO FASCISTS SHOULD HAVE THE POWER TO BULLY.

In this case, the law should be on the side of the copyright owners. Ebay should be required to make sure their sellers are NOT engaging in perjury. Ebay should be required, in cases where bootlegging or other crimes are very likely going on, to make sure the sellers have PROOF of licensing.

PAYPAL should hold onto money on any seller involved in such things as PDF and EPUB copies of books, and KEEP the money on a new eBay account for 60 days until the seller proves honesty and does not have a VeRO complaint.

PAYPAL should return all questionable money to the publisher or to a designated charity.

There is no excuse, NONE, for some prick in Estonia or some twat in California to be tossing Senator Al Franken's book or Harper Lee's book around and keeping ALL THE ROYALTIES.

BOOTLEGGING is ILLEGAL. BOOTLEGGERS should not be CODDLED by arrogant FASCISTS.

Senator Franken, you want to talk this over with Senator Leahy and your pal Senator Warren, and a few others?

The Paradigm is Academia - The Way Artists Don't Starve

Ever see this guy before? No.

Ever hear of David Maslanka? No.

But, take a look at the photo. He looks pretty happy. Or rather, looked. He died the other day. Let's say he died comfortably, in terms of his finances and his fame. He did pretty much what he wanted, even if you never heard of him. He fulfilled what mattered to him most, I would assume, which is creating. How many people enjoyed his work? Enough. When you work in certain fields, enough IS enough.

Maslanka just missed his birthday (August 30, 1943-August 6, 2017). Colon cancer, any cancer, will take you out no matter how much you "battle." The obits, of course, will tell you that people "battle" cancer. Which is like saying the Japanese in Nagasaki and Hiroshima "battled" the bomb.

The important thing for this composer, was to be able to compose. To be free to do his work and not starve. He didn't "pay to play" in small clubs. He didn't put his stuff on YouTube and hope for the best. He disappeared into the arms of Academia, and was nurtured, petted, and rewarded:

He enjoyed five residency fellowships at the MacDowell Colony in Peterborough, New Hampshire. He recieved grants from the University of Connecticut Research Foundation, the American Music Center, the Martha Baird Rockefeller Fund for Music, the State University of New York Research Foundation, and even ASCAP, the bunch who don't do anything about piracy but Tweet to a half-dozen people some congratulations when some Latino goes "Platino" with an album of dance music.

As you've guessed by now, David Maslanka was a classical American composer, which means he created symphonies, concertos, even choir pieces. Whether this was avant-garde stuff that everyone hates, or just imitative variations on something out of the Elgar playbook or Vaughn Williams or John Rutter or Kabalevsky...who knows. Nobody said, "Dave, boy, we've got Beethoven and Mozart, we don't need YOU." Or, "Dave, boy, you ain't gonna rival Stravinsky, and we've heard electronic stuff and even silence. Go teach flute playing to grade schoolers."

Academia gave him room and board. And awards. You need awards to feel good about yourself, when the Grammy bunch don't even mention Classical on their telecast, and nobody can name a classical conductor or opera singer, as they could when Leonard Bernstein and Luciano Pavarotti were alive. He recorded mostly for Albany Records, which you never heard of. He could sign a copy if you bought one, but he signed his name on checks much more often, getting the grants, getting the honorariums which is what playing the Academia game is all about. Need a classical composition for a a bunch of trombones, or even flutes or marimbas or a euphonium, and you could ask David. You'd end up with "Montana Music: Three Dances for Percussion" or "Arcadia II: Concerto for Marimba and Percussion Ensemble." Your small circle of friends would be impressed. Somebody's budget paid for it.

Maslanka won the National Endowment for the Arts Composer Award two years in a row (1974 and 1975) and made a comeback to win it again in 1989. Ten years later, the durable Dave won the National Symphony Orchestra regional composer-in-residence award. Over the past 37 years, he was a guest composer all over Academia...at college and university music festivals and conferences.

You want to know more about a particular Maslanka work, or about his theories? Academia comes to the rescue. Academia Begets Academia. Call it egg-headed exercises if you want to, but there's a reason to hide in a quiet campus library, or find a fine life in dwelling on things that are meaningless to most everyone on the planet. Anselm Hollo, who was perhaps the Allen Ginsberg or Kenneth Rexroth of England, made his way to Academia and taught poetry in Colorado somewhere. It was a nice life. You can buy Anselm's various small-press books. He's well known in that small circle of those who care about fine literature in general, and modern poetry in particular.

Academia is a dream within a dream. You can do a treatise on Maslanka, and who knows, become such an expert, you could teach a course on him. Become a professor, somewhere, of modern American classical composers, based on your dissertation:

Futile?

Obscure?

Tempting!

There probably isn't a published writer who hasn't thought of hiding in Academia, or a musician who hasn't thought, "Hmmm...I could teach."

What IS obscurity? It's a TV show that was popular 30 years ago. A radio show that was once #1 and is now totally forgotten. A best seller published last year.

Academia isn't really any more of a cop-out than being an accountant.

Who knows what Davey-Boy's private chagrins were. Did he find it a drag to follow directions for taking a bus to a train to a cab to a plane, to waiting for some under-grad to be there in an SUV and drive him to the campus? Did he NOT want to sit at a dinner with a bunch of boring people discussing whether a bookcase fell on Alkan or not? Or what he thought of Procol Harum's concert with the Edmonton Orchestra? Or if anyone makes a quality bassoon? At least he wasn't working 9 to 5 at something outside his area of interest. He could thank Academia for that.

And so it is, that a lot of people consider Academia to be THE PARADIGM. Even radicals and pervs like Allen Ginsberg and Philip Roth were PROFESSORS. As successful as they were, they weren't living off mere royalties. Most any musician, writer, singer or artist has heard it: "Be a teacher. You get a pension. You only teach a few hours a day. It's pretty easy, if you can stand it." Even Mort Sahl tried to teach a few courses a few years ago. Many former stars with nothing to do can get a teaching gig, based not on having a Ph.D., but "life experience."

It's a way not to starve. They threw a benefit to pay Dave Van Ronk's medical bills. I don't think that was the case for David Maslanka.