You MEME it? You really MEME IT? Gosh, I'm so HONORED...

We know that Hallmark Cards are the lazy person's way of showing affection.

Fine. Giving somebody a Hallmark card is sort of saying: "I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind...I can't put in words how lovely life is when you're in the world."

Not EVERYBODY has a way with words, and can express a thought poignantly.

But now that we have ecards, and don't even have to spend a few bucks on a card and postage, things have gotten pretty tacky.

Now that people are on Twitter and Facebook because they're too lazy to even send individual emails to people, here's MEMES.

How THOUGHTFUL, when somebody on Facebook forwards a MEME to their own page, to let dozens of friends (and dozens more acquaintances, and complete strangers) know how much they mean to him:

Oh, thank you REFLECTIONS, for posting something I can effortlessly copy over to MY followers. I wouldn't to personalize it. You've written it perfectly as it is.

Best Regards.

"YOU a RACIST, CHARLIE BROWN!" (Happy Thanksgiving, Every PC One)

While the snowflakes began to snarl traffic here and there, in our climate change world where a White Christmas can be a White Thanksgiving instead, various snowflakes began to snarl...

...that a cartoon made over 40 years ago is now RACIST. Not racially insensitive. RACIST.

When you say RACIST, you are saying INTENTIONAL, MALICIOUS DISCRIMINATION AGAINST SOMEONE ELSE.

Aside from snowflake liberals needing to find something to grouse about, some blacks were ready to lapse into dialect about this:

CHARLIE BROWN, HE A RACIST.

You can't use proper English when you're making a point about race. You have to use EBONICS.

Francis Scott Key: HE A RACIST. You think the "Star Spangled Banner" isn't a racist lyric? YOU A RACIST.

Back in 1973, a lot of black people and white liberals were glad to see an "integrated" suburb where the "Peanuts" characters dwelled. Reflecting the truth about minorities finding good jobs and being able to move into better neighborhoods, the parents of "FRANKLIN," the black kid, apparently bought a house not far from snotty-named Lucy Van Pelt, or perhaps Charlie himself. "FRANKLIN" was now attending a predominantly all-white school, and was being embraced by his classmates.

OR WAS HE???

Charles Schulz? HE A RACIST.

Forget about him putting a black kid into his comic strip, and fighting for that, and for having the kid turn up in the TV cartoons.

HE A RACIST.

Look at that table! The black kid is sitting on ONE side, and all the white kids on the other.

It may have taken OVER FORTY YEARS to spot this, and decry it on Twitter and join the PC brigade about it...but DAY-UMMMMMM, RACIST cartoons have NO PLACE in America no more. BAN THIS CARTOON! BAN IT! BAN IT! BAN IT!

Or, uh, use some special effects to put a few white kids next to him? Where's Marcy, the somewhat lesbian little girl hanging around with Peppermint Patty? Get her over there. And where's Pigpen, to represent the emotionally disabled who can't clean up for themselves or do without clutter? Get that kid who plays Beethoven on the toy piano, but have him PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOY.

And do NOT be offended at being called WHITE BOY.

Nobody bothered to dig up the producers of the special to find out WHY the black kid was on one side of the table. Mostly, you'd have to literally dig them up. Charles Schulz is dead, and so is Bill Melendez (who also voiced Snoopy).

If the placement was at all deliberate, the logical reason for it would have been to not rile Southern affiliates. But that's probably not the case if the black child was interacting with the white kids throughout the rest of the story.

Bottom line, Twitter is one of the most hostile and ridiculous websites on the Internet, and people are so full of rage and misery that they can't help becoming trolls.

Looking on the bright side, it's quite a triumph of equality that trolls...who are usually pictures as gnarled, tiny and maybe even green...now come in every color and size.

When The Three Stooges Get Banned by the PC Brigade...

Anyone who doesn't own Three Stooges shorts already had better hurry up and buy the DVDs.

Would it be a shock to find "the boys" banned from all streaming services? Oh, not because of the violence. Violence iS WONDERFUL. Sadistic gore movies are a delight. The other night I was flipping the dial, and I saw some rotten thing which I assume was a Stephen King novel brought to the screen. A little boy got his arm bitten off by a deranged clown with viper-like fangs. Then the kid was sucked into a sewer, leaving behind a puddle of blood.

I didn't really need to see this. Flipping around, there was no channel showing a couple having sex. Not even softcore. But THAT bit of sadism was ok.

Same way you can check the Internet and the London Daily Fail, or some other tabloid, will happily show you a mutilated crime victim, an acid casualty or some other vividly disturbing spectacle, BUT...put up a "this may offend you" block on a photo of some starlet exposing her panties exiting a limousine.

But I digress. THIS is not going to be allowed much longer, is it?

You can scare the shit out of people. That's ok. You can even make fun of burn victims (hello, Freddie Krueger) and that's fine. BUT...make them LAUGH? How DARE YOU!!!

The reason The Three Stooges could be banned any day now is their blatant use of words such as, in order of mental impairment:

IDIOT

IMBECILE

MORON

These were, at one time, clinical definitions of mental retardation. In my book "Stooge Fans' I.Q. Test," I mentioned that the classifications often used by Moe, referred to unfortunates who had the mind of a six year old, an eight year old, or a twelve year old.

Now, "retardation" is not used, and most certainly, RETARD. Norm MacDonald, apologizing on "The View" for something he said during a freewheeling interview on the deliberately tasteless Howard Stern pay-radio show, referred to it as the "word beginning with R."

The irony was that he was on Stern's show discussing various PC problems and insensitivities. Headline:

Norm had dared to express the opinion that Louis C.K. losing his CAREER, and losing MILLIONS of dollars, was kind of horrible.

His mistake was that in everyday conversation, he didn't say "you'd have to be an idiot" to not feel badly for the women involved (which COULD be un-PC any day now). He was about to say "you'd have to be retarded..." but caught himself in time, knowing the word got banned after being used in an insensitive way in a Black Eyed Peas song. ("Let's get...stupid drunk" was what they were going for.).

He caught himself in time to say Down Syndrome, which was not an improvement. He's lucky he wasn't banned from ever working again.

Ask yourself this question: would you rather lose the only job you were trained for, and possibly end up working 9 to 5 at something you hate, and drain your bank account to pay your bills because you're out of work...or take a look at Louis C.K.'s dick?

Louis C.K. at various times asked women if they'd mind watching him masturbate in front of them. That's pretty flattering isn't it? This idiot (oops, let's find a different word) is SO excited by a CLOTHED WOMAN that he has to masturbate in front of her.

Is there a guy out there who'd be particularly offended if a woman asked if she could masturbate in front of him?

I mean, aren't men and women supposed to be EQUAL? Have the same job, and therefore the same sensitivities? Yes? No?

Norm admitted that it was pretty awful for a woman to have to deal with sexual harassment, but he also dared to say that maybe it was also awful to lose your job because you acted like a dick in front of somebody who didn't just walk away. OR, didn't say, "What you're doing is wrong."

A male police officer recently discussed being sexually abused and humiliated by a superior FEMALE officer. He was laughed at. Nobody said, "Gosh, that's awful...your superior FEMALE officer should lose her job and NEVER WORK AGAIN.

He had complained when she apparently washed her panties in the communal bathroom and left them to dry. He'd complained to her, so she rubbed them in his face, and/or pushed them into his mouth. Amid various insults. Something like that. But hey, she's still on the force and wasn't suspended, so let's move on. Back to our theme:

If RETARD is now up there with the N-word and the C-word etc. etc. then the M-word (MORON) is not going to last much longer.

As it is, there are some uneasy moments in Three Stooges shorts (as in Laurel and Hardy, the Marx Brothers, etc.) where there might be a blackface moment for a laugh (Moe hit with a bottle of ink) or there's a stereotypical janitor or porter popping his eyes over some ridiculous sight gag. The Marx's "Room Service" ends with Groucho imitating Black dialect while everyone sings "Swing Low Sweet Chariot."

There's no question that comedy is the flip side of tragedy, and what is funny to one person, might NOT be funny to somebody else. A person who has just lost a loved one, may not want to watch "The Loved One." Someone with a Down Syndrome child may wince at Moe shouting "IMBECILE!" at Curly. But there's a difference between accepting a dated reference in its context, and banning it. "The Jolson Story" is not a DVD that many libraries would buy these days, and the Stooges may join the uh, blacklist.

How many people shout "IDIOT" or "MORON" at somebody else today? Should that change?

Funny (not very) that some things are sort of ok, and some things are not. "Washington Redskins" is ok. Why?

If Norm MacDonald had said "You'd have to be a moron to not feel sorry for a Down Syndrome person," what would have happened? PS, there are spokespersons for Down Syndrome who have it and can still function very well, who'd simply say, "Nah, don't feel sorry for ME, treat me like anyone else" and leave it at that. It's not that much of a surprise that some people with infirmities are not sensitive about them, and laugh about them. Others don't like it at all, and that can include ageist remarks. Some people at work "kid" an older person, and ask about their virility, or if they still have their own teeth, and shout "Grandpa" or whatever. Funny? A release of tension for people afraid of growing old?

Comedy is a fragile art. Anger is an emotion that can't be bottled up, because that's unhealthy. So, some people will laugh at Moe being angry and calling one of his stooges an IMBECILE. Laugh or don't laugh. But ban it? What kind of nitwit would do that?

New York Post shit-"Cans" - a piece on Lenny Bruce's non revival

As George Carlin would probably have said if he was around, "That's pretty fucked-up shit."

He'd be wondering why the New York Post had to luridly headline that Lenny Bruce died on the "can," and why they think that because somebody does a show at The Cutting Room, an obscure local club, there's a REVIVAL of Lenny Bruce interest. There isn't.

As you can easily tell from the lack of any new stand-ups the average person can name (Seinfeld is not new, Kathy Griffin is not new, Norm MacDonald is not new, Chris Rock is not new...) stand-up is almost as dead as Lenny.

In this PC age, almost NOBODY is performing the kind of things that got Lenny persecuted and prosecuted. We're living in times when a comedian who became a politician (Al Franken) had to resign because HE TOUCHED A TUSHY. We're living in times when Jeffrey Tambor, clumsily talking-up a transwoman on a TV set, got FIRED from his show. We're living in times when there won't even be a comedian at the Correspondent's Dinner because the last one said something too bitchy and insulting to another bitch.

Nice, huh?

"HE DIED ON THE CAN."

Actually, there's just a smidge of controversy on exactly how Lenny died. Phil Spector was widely quoted as saying it was from "an overdose of police." Aside from whether it was an accidental death or a conspiracy of some kind, there are people who will tell you that the cops came in and stripped Lenny down for some good camera shots and stuck a needle in his arm. Dustin Hoffman's film version of "Lenny" used one of the actual "lying on the bathroom" photos, rather than recreate the scene with the actor. I saw the Broadway show original. In that "Lenny," with the late great Cliff Gorman, the cops staged a gag photo, hauling Lenny up from the bathroom floor and onto the toilet, like a king on the throne.

But, no, there's no evidence that Lenny actually died "on the can" and was found there. But this is The New York Post.

The actual article? A strange mish-mash promoting a soon-to-close obscure show with quotes from...NEWSDAY.

Since WHEN does a writer for the New York Post quote somebody from Newsday? How hard is it to go find the guy who is in the show and get a fresh quote from him? You're saying, "Hey Pal, you're getting good publicity. TALK TO ME."

I guess the new journalism is "Aw, use an old quote, give attribution, and..." and, what, the New York Post is no better than NEWSER?

I remember seeing Joan Rivers play Lenny's mother Sally Marr in a one-woman show ON BROADWAY. Not at the fucking CUTTING ROOM.

Nobody said there was a Lenny Bruce revival going on.

Somebody named Luke Kirby played Lenny in something called "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel" so that, and a CUTTING ROOM gig, make for a revival?

I never heard of Kriby OR that TV show, but pardon me for not keeping up with the three thousand fucking shows that are now on Netflix, Amazon, YouTube, the four major networks, or the 200 or more cable channels you can get even if you don't want them.

We hear that the creator of this Maisel thing had a father who was a stand-up comic.

Shall we NAME that comedian? Ah, nevermind.

If the woman isn't married, and her last name, hyphen or not, is Paladino, my guess is her father was Joey Faye, nee Joey Paladino? Right. Who heard of Joey Faye? But come on, if we're talking about who cares about some guy doing a show at the CUTTING ROOM, why not add the little tidbit of who the great Mrs. Maisel producer Sherman-Paladino's dad was?

Oh yeah. Another sign that there's a massive revival in Lenny Bruce, is that a museum nobody visits has an exhibit on him. I'm sure they have an exhibit on a dozen other people too. The museum is located in Jamestown, New York, which is where even people from Jamestown don't want to be.

WHY would anyone open a museum in Jamestown, which is somewhere about a four hour drive from the nearest pile of deer shit?

Lucille Ball was born there.

The Three Stooges were born in Brooklyn. MY choice would've been Brooklyn.

Part three of this doleful piece on Lenny's non-revival is loaded with Newsday quotes. And why isn't there a photo of this one-man-show guy, to tell us if he looks like Lenny Bruce or more like Murray Roman or Sandy Baron?

Say, do you suppose more proof of the Lenny Bruce revival is that somebody dug up Bernie Travis' "Dirtymouth" movie and hoisted it to YOUTUBE?

Yeah, I saw that thing when it came out. It was when there actually WAS a Lenny Bruce revival...one that included a bunch of re-discovered tapes that were put on vinyl ("What I Was Arrested For," "Thank You Masked Man," "Curran Concert"). Bernie's film didn't exactly rival Dustin Hoffman's, but there actually was enough interest in Lenny at the time for two movies to appear, and for various people to stage regional versions of "Lenny," the play that dared not name all the names (like HONEY BRUCE and MILTON BERLE, both given new monickers to prevent possible lawsuits).

OH, I left out the "FILE UNDER" part of the POST piece. Hey gang, if you enjoy collecting press clips that reference OVERDOSES, be sure to FILE this under OVERDOSES...

I could go on in talking about the early 70's revival, and Bernie Travis, and all that, but the Lenny Bruce revival is OVER.

Oh. Some good news. Valerie Perrine, who played Lenny's wife in the Hoffman movie, and slid into obscurity (because the Lenny Bruce revival didn't last that long?) was recently fitted with new teeth. No kidding. She was in bad physical and mental shape, but is being cared for.

She is not, however, going to be doing a solo show at The Cutting Room. She's not THAT down and out.

BILLY CRYSTAL HASHISH

Funny, Billy Crystal was on the cover of RAVE (the six-figure circulation magazine I edited, which was the Playbill of comedy clubs). He wasn't smoking a bong. He was wielding a baseball bat, actually. The guy who once took an at-bat at Yankees Spring training, deserved to have a more interesting cover photo than a portrait or a shot of him on stage holding a microphone. Anyway...

For some odd reason, he's now immortalized by CHEEBAS (a Canadian mail order outfit) via...

Why Billy Crystal of all people? And is there a "Crystal Meth" sold illegally in Florida? I have no idea, and I say that without having gone clueless from taking a hit off Billy Crystal Hash.

Maybe the idea is that after you smoke this stuff, any lady you're with becomes beautiful. "You look....mahvelous!"

Hopefully the hashish doesn't get you paranoid ("I hate it when that happens.")

Bunny Sterling dead at 70 - and a New Term for "KNOCKOUT"

Here's Bunny Sterling, hitting the heavy bag.

Here's Bunny Sterling, after being hit.

Is there anything fans love more than a dramatic punch that drops a man to the canvas?

The ring announcer shouts, "And the winner...BY KNOCKOUT..."

KNOCKOUT!!

That's sort of the right word, isn't it? Technically, the fighter is KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS. He's OUT.

Bunny Sterling was a journeyman who held a minor (British Commonwealth) title for a while. he had a notable win against a name-fighter in Maurice Hope, but finished with a a record of 35-18-4. That's not exactly a great record, but it reflects that early in his career, he was often over-matched, and taking on anyone in order to get experience and get paid.

He had a mere 25% KO record, sending 14 to the canvas in his 35 wins. A deceptive sign of a "strong chin," is that in his 18 losses, he was only dropped for a KO twice, and that was in the middle of his career. Unlike some fighters who retire after several knockouts, his last 3 losses were by decision.

As you might have guessed, he suffered from dementia.

British boxing writer Steve Bunce: "“Sterling was a young old man when he walked away, scarred, aged before his time and without the cash to live in luxury." Few boxers make a lot of money in the ring, or get lucky with a very lucrative job after their sports days were over. Either way, money can’t buy a cure against dementia.

Boxers know the risks, of course. They love their sport and try not to think about the sad injuries and endings some have had. But perhaps they, and the general public, might benefit if "KNOCKOUT" was changed to something else.

Like: "TEMPORARY DEATH."

That's what a knockout really is. You're unconscious. You're dead to the world. Sometimes even smelling salts doesn't work. Oxygen and emergency care is needed.

If boxing fan Ernest Hemingway could poetically, sadly call orgasm the "little death," then why not call a knockout "TEMPORARY DEATH?"

"And the winner...by TEMPORARY DEATH..."

Having those words in the record book, a TD (TEMPORARY DEATH) listed along with the occasional UD (Unanimous Decision), might be a stronger reminder that a fighter might consider retirement a little sooner.

What did Bunny Sterling having in those last years of dementia? It was a kind of zombie state. Dead but undead. Because of too many punches. In many cases, it's directly because of too many knockouts or one truly debilitating one that leads to a brain injury too severe for the fighter to ever get in the ring again.

If we can change "Indian" to "Native American" or "Colored" to "Person of Color," maybe changing "Knockout" to "Temporary Death" isn't as radical as it sounds?

It might also suggest a rule change in boxing to prevent a "temporary death" from being fatal. I call it the "Standing 3" count. Boxing fans definitely do NOT want a fight stopped prematurely. Neither do the boxers. But if a fighter has been clocked, and has fallen, and gets up by the count of 9, and then gets clocked AGAIN, maybe the ref should be able to call for a "Standing 3" count. Three seconds. This is not long enough to give a fighter an unfair time for recovery, but long enough to alert the fighter AND the fans, that the fight will be waved off if a better defense and/or offense isn't made.

Sometimes a fighter is being hit often but doesn't go down at all. A standing 3 is useful. It should only be used ONCE in a round, and certainly not more than twice in an entire fight.

A standing 3 prevents a ref from making one of those snap judgments everyone grouses about. It gives the fighter a reminder, and a chance. If the fight is waved off a few moments later, it also might prevent that "TEMPORARY DEATH" from being permanent.

At least one creature is having a good Thanksgiving. And it can thank Trump

The Daily News: Piss, Subliminal Nazi Fun and Crippled Ballplayers

Trump keeps talking about FAKE NEWS, but really, the problem is more than that.

It's inept editors. It's publishers who are only illiterate businessmen. It's Millennials who don't know how to write and are hired because they'll work cheap.

Hard news is often replaced with breathless KARDASHIAN stories because readers are conditioned to be ENTERTAINED rather than INFORMED.

But hey, I approach it with a sense of humor. Tragedy is Comedy.

Today at THE NEW YORK DAILY NEWS, the front page of their website has what all America, all of the world cares about: the state of Shania Twain's panties, and how awful-looking Christmas socks might appeal to Nazis.

I keed. I keed. Don't I?

You remember Shania Twain. She had a hit song ten or fifteen years ago. Now, she gets attention if she talks about her bladder control issues. But really, if Getty Images doesn't have a shot of glistening rivulets down her legs, this COULD be FAKE NEWS.

See you below...

The socks?

I don't want get too Vance Packard about this (huh? who dat?) but...isn't that arrangement SORT OF like a SWASTIKA?

Let's call it subliminal advertising to the large element of Jew haters out there who also LOVE CHRISTMAS.

Make sense now?

TIME (magazine) page 20, the Nov 26th issue, states "Hate crimes increased 17% in U.S." and guess what..."those against JEws increased more sharply, with 37% more incidents than in the previous year."

You don't hear that much about it, because Jews don't tend to sulk and/or riot, and take a knee when they play pro football. They don't mention over 2,000 years of abuse everywhere in the world (not just in America's South, where Jewish freedom riders were killed). Some haven't even broken or burned their Peter Gabriel, Patti Smith and Roger Waters albums, despite those three rooting for the destruction of Israel and "sanctions" against what they believe to be the ONLY apartheid nation on Earth, and the most evil country, too. You think they'd turn down a gig to play for the Saudis or the Russians or Kim Jung-Un?

But let's not get off on a rant.

On the lighter side, the lead sports item on the front page of the Daily Snooze is about a retired ballplayer. Check out the photo they chose.

Of COURSE the old guy had to retire. He couldn't keep his balance. "I've fallen near second base and I can't get up."

21 years is a long time, and now he's clearly arthritic.

In case you're wondering why you haven't seen Stevie Wonder on TV too much lately, I think it's because he's very busy with his job as a New York Daily News photo editor.

So, when will the New York Daily News be sold AGAIN? When will there be more budget cuts? Is it before or after they take the British approach to tabloid journalism, and move even more heavily into wardrobe malfunctions and outright nudity? Oh, and to spice things up, New York Daily News, you can be like your "sister" publication the London Daily Fail (er, Mail) and run violent gore photos, mutilation pix, burn victim close-ups and other yummy stuff that might compete for the attention span of 14 year-olds and their fave horror movies? No, no, don't EVER do a spoiler alert and say "caution, disturbing image...click here to see.")

So far, so funny. Piss, Nazi socks and crippled ballplayers. That, and typos, and Jenner/Hadid/Kardashian/Ariana/Cardi B bullshit, is just the way to make what isn't FAKE NEWS just plain laughing stock.

Maybe the Snooze should be like the rest of the Internet and just print a ton of "stock" photos for laughs, claim "fair use" and don't pay the photographers. Then be like Wikipedia and or the Huffity-Puffity Post or Newswer, and cry "fair use" on anything quoted or re-written.

Fires in California, Saudi atrocities, Gun violence in Chicago...nah, today it's:

SHANIA TWAIN PEES HERSELF...BAD XMAS SOCKS ARRANGED SWASTIKA STYLE...A PHOTO OF A TEETERING BASEBALL PLAYER...

Funny....the New York Daily News has more laughs than The Onion. Then again, so does any newspaper obituary page.

Selling Your Soul on EBAY

Oooh, a moron made a WHOLE DOLLAR on Ebay selling his soul.

Well, Paypal takes 25 cents as does eBay.

So the halfwit made half a dollar.

And the winning bidder....I bet it was that little devil Jeff Bezos! When are you planning on taking possession, Beez-elbub?

If I was Bezos, I might complain to eBay. This guy doesn't look like he HAS a soul. How do you get it out? Sit him on a toilet and pound his head with a hammer?

In case you're wondering, it is ILLEGAL on eBay to sell "intangibles," but sellers count on this: Ebay seems to have only a few "English as a second language" employees on Guam somewhere, who take a squint at "REPORT ITEM" violations.

The New York Post, where rude double entendres are NEVER UNINTENTIONAL

What you're thinking is not only more interesting than the article, but probably more truthful.

This Weekend: AL PACINO DOUBLE BILL at the Magoo Drive-In

A CLASSIC TYPO MAKES A WELCOME RETURN

Thanks to "who can afford proofreaders on the Internet," some typos never die.

Variations on this are in every book that collects typos...and despite smell-check (er, is that what they call it) it will keep on happening.

I promise you, this was not Photoshopped.

It's a tribute to apathy that it's been up for a WEEK and nobody's even noticed, or bothered to change the panties...

At least they spelled HOARD'S properly, and didn't put a comma between Beaver Dam.

Zoe Kravitz - and the Not so Hot "Rolling Stone" issue

It's embarrassing, the new cover of Rolling Stone:

It's embarrassing...to realize I still have a subscription.

It's not my idea. For years, it's existed on $5 a year bargain offers. In fact, the last one was $2 a year, as a "reward" for something or other. I was offered three magazines at $2 each. So, yeah, maybe Matt would have a good poitical expose, and fan-boy Rob a good pop culture piece, and maybe there will be an interview with somebody I've heard of...yeah. OK.

But the $2 offer expired, and I went to cancel, and I was told, "How would you like to extend it, free?"

Free? You mean, like free music downloads? The ones that Rolling Stone doesn't think are hurting the music business, and so they've never written an article about it?

THIS is what I get. A half-baked picture of some babe I never heard of, with a trendy first name (and a NOT so trendy last one. Really, is there a name UGLIER than Kravitz? Why do you suppose they used it for the obnoxious neighbor on "Bewitched?").

I thought the "Hot" issue was going to be full of HOT singers and actresses. Oh, but they already did the fabulous Cardi B., and Kesha is now a tragic figure and NOT to be exploited. And Joni Mitchell would be unseemly. Carly, too. Stevie, too.

I was told that Zoe's "big break" was being in an "X Men" movie in 2011. Oh, so THAT's where I haven't heard from her from.

Sorry, with all deference to the late Stan Lee, I don't give a damn about MARVEL COMIC BOOK MOVIES. Not a one. In fact, the last time I was interested in a guy playing a superhero, George Reeves didn't have a bullet hole in his head.

As my dismay and confusion led me AWAY from the NOT-SO-HOT cover, I was confronted with the opening editorial page, which let me know that the brilliant Rolling Stone has aped a previous pose from...Zoe Kravitz's mommy. Ah. And who is that?

Lisa Bonet. There's a forgotten name.

Not a forgotten pose. The ridiculous "I've just discovered I have breasts, and YOU can't see" pose is an old standard. It went out with the 1958 issue of Nugget.

Come on, Rolling Stone. You can have a cutie-pie portrait of a MURDERER on your cover (the Boston Marathon bomber) so a pair of BREASTS wouldn't hurt. What, the publisher is GAY or something?

Come on, Jann, as little as you apparently know of the female anatomy, it IS possible to create an erotic image without having the woman clutch herself like she's trying to perform a lump exam.

By the way, Lisa Bonet DOES have nipples. I've seen them.

OK, I lied. I can only confirm she has A NIPPLE. I've seen IT.

Back in the days when I was working for photo agencies, and Lisa was a pain in the butt, she appeared somewhere or other, and made sure to wear a catchy outfit for her photo opp. While a lot of the other photographers were muttering to each other, "Who is she," and others refused to tell (ha ha, the better to get an EXCLUSIVE), a few of us came forward...and were taken aback.

"Er, she's got a funny top hat on, and some kind of schmatta of white lace stuff, but her NIPPLE is exposed. Do we tell her??"

Very awkward situation for male photographers: "We'd like to take your photo Lisa, but your tit is showing. Mind if you fix your blouse?"

There was one female photographer among us, her first name beginning with R., who had a strange face that had one eye higher than the other. It might've been some kind of occupational hazard from squinting into a lens so much.

We explained the problem to her, and she knew just what to do.

She walked over, mentioned who she was with, and took a WHOLE BUNCH OF PHOTOS of Lisa and her nipple. I think she sold a bunch to the men's mags of the day. Sans her byline, of course.

She had Lisa bend over slightly for one final picture, and then grandly announced, drawing closer, something like, "Oh, that last pose, your breast is exposed too much...re-button your blouse." Lisa did so, and then we all walked over to snap our pictures.

But I digress. Except that any pictures we took that day were sexier than this dumb shot of Lisa staring off with a "what happened to my bra" look on her face.

There are ways of looking sexy and ways of just looking stupid (contrary to Hedy Lamarr's infamous quote). No, Hay-deee (as she pronounced it), looking like you'll fall into bed with anyone because you just had a lobotomy isn't ALWAYS that attractive.

Just why, of all the women in America, the editors chose Zoe Kravitz for the cover, I have no idea. Maybe she's making another MARVEL COMIC BOOK MOVIE or something. The article mentioned her famous father (the one whose albums are in every dollar bin in the city) said he didn't help her in using her famous last name, she only got her an agent. The rest was up to her, her talent, her hard work, and how well she could grip her boobs.

Kind of ironic, isn't it, that the PC brigade has made sure the "Miss America" contest doesn't have a SWIMSUIT competition anymore, but for an ACTRESS to get attention in Rolling Stone, she has to stick an apple in her mouth, grab her tits, and look like an utter fool.

Just how ridiculous are the rest of the pictures?

Take a look. Maybe part of the problem is a MAN didn't take the pictures. They were not only taken by another woman, but another ZOE. This one is a ZOEY.

HOT?

I suppose she IS hot, technically. What's the deal, it's August and she couldn't afford air conditioning?

Maybe it's not supposed to be HOT, but, you know, the metrosexual pronunciation of the word: HAWT.

Maybe it's HAWT (and even fierce) that Zoe went over to the sauna at the Health and Racquet Club, and kept her top on. She didn't want to risk a wardrobe malfunction ala-mama?

We can SORT of see both nipples, which is fairly sexy, but her expression could be, "Why did I eat at Chipotle?"

Male photographers are sometimes accused of being crudely symbolic in how they pose their nude models, but this is a WOMAN who is posing Zoe with an APPLE in her mouth.

That means Zoe should shut up, because she has nothing to say? Or she's "HOT" only when she looks like a roasted pig? The apple in the mouth does NOT suggest the woman has much going for her besides a certain "West Side Story" vibe.

What, besides MORON, does this picture say? How many women do you know eat an apple by stuffing it, hands free, into their yaps?

And why is she naked doing this? Why is she grabbing one of HER apples? The hand to the throat makes sense...self-Heimlich maneuver to dislodge a chunk of apple.

Maybe it's just me, but random prison-like tattoos aren't too sexy. They suggest that a woman is so fucking boring in bed, that while fucking, you have to doodle on her.

Lastly and leastly, women do NOT need any help in looking silly. Or stupid. Or not worth holding a conversation with and only worth finding, fugging and forgetting.

Zoey's final shot of Zoe, which drew the approval of publisher Jann Wenner (the man who sure knows HOT in a FEMALE these days) is this:

Oh oh oh oh ohhhhh LOOK...Hey Moe, Hey Larry, I'm trapped in my own underwear! I'm handcuffed! Get me OUTTA here!

Some will tell you that women are SO STUPID...

...that they routinely put their undies on inside out.

...and that when they aren't doing THAT, they have put them on backwards.

...and that some women are SO STUPID they do both, AND tell you about it. "OMIGOD, my panties are backwards. They may even be inside out!"

"OH? Pull up your skirt and let me have a look."

"What? WHO do you think I am, ZOE KRAVITZ????"

You'd think that we're over the 50's friskiness of "I Enjoy Being a Girl" or the 80's variation, "Girls just wanna have fun," but heeeeere's ZOE, who gets more laughs out of being trapped in her underwear, than Lisa Bonet got over all those seasons on "The Cosby Show."

What else can you say about that photo? That ratty hair does not make a nice camouflage for two gently sagging breasts?

That the odds are very good that Zoe shaves her pubes?

That it took her an hour to extricate herself from her underpants, or her t-shirt, or her ONESIE or whatever it is, and that the outtakes are probably a lot sexier and funnier?

It leaves you unimpressed. As in:

ZOE WHAT.

Wayne Maunder - "CUSTER" has his last stand, November 11th

Wayne Maunder passed on, age 80, on November 11th.

Some Baby Boomers remember the name? One or two TV shows?

Wayne began his career with some promise. He was a handsome, light-haired actor ready to lead the ladies along...like Edy Williams in "The Seven Minutes."

Rather than being the next Robert Redford, Maunder found himself going in a new and challenging direction when he starred as...WHO? Oh, no, you have GOT to be kidding...

"They sent him West to be forgotten. But NOBODY would ever forget...GEORGE ARMSTRONG CUSTER!!"

Something like that. The late 60's and early 70's saw a lot of improbably TV shows get on the air. Some were stupid and didn't last, like "Second Hundred Years," about a thawed out fellow experiencing modern times. Others, were stupid and DID last, like "I Dream of Jeannie" and "Gilligan's Island." No idea was too peculiar to be assured of failure. "Hogan's Heroes," despite a lot of complaints, became a funny show about a stalag. ABC thought it was a neat twist to concentrate not on Custer's well known recklessness, or the blunder that led to the slaughter at the Little Big Horn.

No. Custer did a lot of GOOD things. He was as maligned as...as Chuck Connors' character on "Branded," the man who supposedly ran at Bitter Creek, but really didn't, and had to spend an entire TV season trying to clear his name.

Maunder returned to clean-shaven and strawberry blond when he and James Stacy played unlikely brothers (or was it half-brothers) on "Lancer." This was another of those shows about ranch life. Andrew Duggan was the new Lorne Greene ("Bonanza") and a bit more masculine Barbara Stanwyck ("Big Valley") as he tried to keep his feuding sons from destroying the place.

Only triviasts can instantly tell you what happened to Maunder after that show ended. It wasn't much. He had a co-starring role in the 1973 series "Chase," which despite the pedigree (an early Stephen J. Cannell effort, produced by Jack Webb) it didn't last. He had almost no TV credits after that. Quinn Martin, known for casting actors going through tough times, brought him in for episodes of "Streets of San Francisco" (1975) and "Barnaby Jones" (1977) but otherwise, acting work was scarce. His last credit was in the film "Porky's" in 1981.

Most vintage TV fans know what happened to his "Lancer" co-star, black-haired James Stacy. Thanks to a drunk driver, his motorcycle was wrecked and he ended up minus and arm and a leg. His female passenger was killed. Thanks to Kirk Douglas, when Stacy was well enough, he was given a role in Kirk's new movie "Posse." In 1977, his comeback seemed complete with the gimmick-casting in "Just a Little Inconvenience," playing a disabled Vietnam veteran. Still, there weren't many roles out there for him. His next headlines, in 1995, involved a charge of child molestation. He later attempted suicide. The hard luck story eventually had a fairly happy ending, thanks to friends, a new love, and the fans of "Lancer" who bought his memorabilia on eBay, and came to see him at autograph signings.

Maunder didn't have the horrendous heartbreak his "Lancer" brother did, but he had plenty. His son Dylan Maunder died of a drug overdose in 2005; he was 36. For a while, Wayne didn't mind the attention of some fans, and was pretty affable, often indulging dealers as he and Stacy co-signed "Lancer" photos for $35 or $50 each. But in his 70's, he called a halt with a terse missive sent to a James Stacy fan website. The letter doesn't seem to be around, but one response from a fan should suffice:

Like "Man from Uncle" years earlier, "Lancer" had a big female fan base, and the argument was over which brother, blond or brunette, was the cutest. Obviously, at some point, Maunder no longer needed to hear about such nostalgia, and no longer wanted to replay the past. That was about four or five years ago.

Now, some are mourning that there are NO SURVIVORS of "LANCER," and therefor, nobody to pester with inane questions over which was the best episode, or what type of gun was in the holster, or if any funny incidents happened while on horseback, or what Andrew Duggan was really like. In other words, Wayne Maunder had good reason to quit caring about the show and the fans. Perhaps an irony is that fans still care about him, and are still upset that while "Custer" is actually available on legit DVDs, "Lancer" is not.

"THE PLIGHT OF OLIVES" (ooh, it's National Pickle Day)

It's National Pickle Day according to Twitter.

There's always a "DAY" on Twitter.

Like, wasting time at work day, networking stupidly day, and how about getting a life day.

ANYWAY...I thought I'd written a poem about pickles in "Let Peas Be With You," but I didn't. I wrote one about cucumbers.

I did write about olives, usually "pickled" in a martini. "Back in the day...." there weren't many salad bars, "organic" was not a term most people knew, and nobody ate olives "straight." It was an afterthought after downing a drink.

Thus...from a hot summer day in the Hamptons, another one from the Boy Poet himself...

I wish I could take credit for the artwork.

Every week a new poem appeared in the I.G.A. supermarket ad. From an early age I learned to write on deadline. The best advice writers generally hand down to students is simple enough: "WRITE." Just keep writing. You'll improve, you'll surprise yourself, and you'll train your imagination to let go. One of the poems I knocked out one day, thinking about different food, was "The Fly and the Sugar Cube," which wasn't exactly suitable for an ad (who thinks of buying sugar cubes so a fly can walk on 'em?). I think it ended up being sold to some other newspaper or magazine, and I later turned it into a song. As Norman Mailer used to say, it IS "the spooky art." So often not just poets, but...ROCK SINGERS...admit, "I don't know where it came from, it just wrote itself." That's part of the joy of creation.

Sinead O'Connor Converts to Islam

Sinead O'Connor is really serious about her conversion to Islam. She's left show business. She's walked out on the East End revival of the musical version of "The Addams Family." How are they going to find another Uncle Fester?

Sinead is the second famous singer (there was Yusuf, remember) to change her name in honor of her religious beliefs. Good for her. I hear her new name will be: Cunt Stevens.

Impressive, isn't it? A certifiable crazy person has pledged allegiance to Islam. THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!

She says she doesn't want to look at white people anymore. She has a lot of courage. Breaking a mirror is 7 years bad luck.

She's now wearing a burqa. Her reason: "I can't get anybody to cover my songs anymore. At least I can cover my body."

She's wearing a complete burqa covering her bald head, because Islam forbids exposing a boob.

Official word from ISIS: "We're CRAZY about Sinead O'Connor. We had a feeling she would convert after her last three CDs all tanked. The woman knows all about bombing!"

Sinead is working on a new song, but whenever she comes to the bridge, she has a sudden urge to drive into innocent people.

Roseanne Barr has staged an intervention: she's rushed to Sinead and told her, "Under NO circumstances do you convert to Judaism!" Roseanne mentioned that having Madonna on the team was more than enough. Roseanne said, "I wasn't sure I got there in time. It looked like she'd had her head circumcized." True, these days Sinead looks more and more like Peter Gabriel.

Fortunately there will be no new single from Sinead called "Nothing Compares 2 Jew."

O'Connor issued a statement: "The more devoted I become to Islam, the more likely I will blow up with joy and explode with happiness."

In the meantime, part of her occupational therapy is to rip up more pictures of the Pope.

One of London's most influential Imams, I-Ben to I-Hop, paused in his part-time job flipping pancakes to discuss the situation. He said, "It is an honor to have her convert, even though she is a worthless vagina owner only suitable to be a slave. She will not sing pop songs any longer and will not drive a car. She can drive people crazy, but that's all." He paused. "Wait a minute. Is this the bald bitch who scared her fans by disappearing and living in a South Hackensack, New Jersey hotel? Holy shit, she is FUCKED UP!"

Publicity or Torture or Both -- We just Wanted you to Know YOKO sold out 300 SIGNED COPIES...

It's a LIMITED EDITION!!!

That's enough to get any Beatles or Lennon fan drooling.

YOU CAN BRAG ABOUT BEING ONE OF ONLY THREE HUNDRED TO HAVE IT!

Imagine...imagine...imagine...

Today, Yoko's publisher tweeted that there was just ONE copy left of the signed edition.

And guess what happened just a few moments later. Awwww.

So there's the good news and the bad news. The good news is the company got a LOT of publicity, and has PLENTY of copies of the unsigned edition for sale. The BAD news is that unless a dealer wants to double his money on EBAY, that collectors item is GONE.

The bad news indeed, is the collectors item is GONE, but the good news is...there will always be NEW collectors items created solely to be limited edition collectors items, so any pinhead who wants some reason to brag about something he bought, will have plenty of opportunities in the future. Just remember, chumps: if ya SNOOZE ya LOSE.

NY POST changes HEADLINES - from unbiased to...ass-licking

Hmmm.

The conservative New York Post reported AL ROKER for dressing up as a white guy.

It was their FRONT PAGE HEADLINE on their website.

Then they backed down. They became biased.

How many "YOU A RACIST" tweets, or angry phone calls did it take for the New York Post to SLANT their headline?

Within hours, the neutral word "DEFENDS" was replaced with "FIRES BACK," and "KILLJOYS" appeared in the headline.

At first, The New York Post was reporting the news. Then, SLANTING IT in favor of Roker, the righteous black man who "FIRES BACK" at the "KILLJOYS."

It began "trending" not as a news item, but as an ass-licking defense of Al Roker. This is a guy who one day happily watched his co-worker get FIRED for merely wondering about a racial problem...and a few days later, figured it was OK to be a white guy for Halloween.

Double standard? Awww, no. The New York Post reverses itself.

What about the KILLJOYS who decided a white female at NBC had to be FIRED for off-handedly wondering about blackface as part of a Halloween costume?

PS, newspapers are supposed to just REPORT the news, and leave the EDITORIALIZING to the editorial page. Aren't they?

Nice one, New York Post, give Trump more fodder for his "fake news" charges.

AL ROKER and the SHADES OF GRAY on HALLOWEEN - mix black and white and...

Ah, Halloween.

The headline in the NY Daily News: "Man in 'SCREAM' Mask shoots two in Washington Heights following night of Halloween mayhem."

AND

"Five shot - including a 14 year-old boy - and three stabbed."

Meanwhile in broad daylight, Al Roker and the gang put on their Halloween outfits.

Er, wait a minute, Al.

YOU are the guy who declared it "is a terrible person to even suggest that it is Ok for a white person to go as a black character for Halloween." Thus, your co-worker Ms. Kelly was FIRED from her, what, $15 MILLION a year job?

Anyone out there want to lose their job, even a $15,000 a year one, because of one sentence? Kelly didn't actually dress up in blackface.

Meanwhile:

OH.

He's Christopher Lloyd from a stupid sci-fi comedy. Only Christopher Lloyd is white.

Wuttup, homey?

“I’m going to say this one last time, but the folks who get it, understand and the ones who DON’T, won’t,” America's weatherman tweeted:

“I can be Doc Brown, and I wear the outfit and wig and not change my skin color if you’re white, you can be President Obama if you want. Just don’t color your skin!”

OH?

Is that why Fred Armisen, a mixed race guy, was forced to STOP playing Obama on "Saturday Night Live?" He was replaced by Jay Pharoah, who is 100$ black. Except...Obama is NOT 100% black. Obamama's mama was WHITE.

Gee. It gets confusing, Al. Doesn't it?

OK, you don't need an NBC weatherman to know which way the wind blows.

It blows out your ass. It blows out your mouth. Yours and everybody's. EVERYBODY has some opinion on what IS or ISN'T OK.

Larry Wilmore, once a "Comedy Central" late-night comedian, said to Obama, "Barry! You did it, my nigga!"

This wasn't said the day after the election, in the midst of excitement and joy. It was years and years later. BUT, as a few black guys said when they "schooled" Bill Maher, it's OK for a black to say "Nigga." Know wuttum sayin'?

This isn't an official rule, though. Is it? Is there a "Little Black Book of Rules and Regulations?" Who would write it? Most black people dont like NIGGA and they don't like NIGGER. You know, just as there are Italians who cringed when Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra called each other "Wop" and "Guinea" on stage. Or made fun of Sammy Davis Jr. all in fun. Sammy doubled over in mock laughter and helplessness. Actually, in retrospect, he felt that was the wrong reaction.

ANYWAY...

Let's briefly talk about the shades of gray here. Is it OK for a Halloween white boy to dress up in a plastic "Black Panther" super-hero mask? Hmmm. Was it ok for a woman who "identified" as Black, and went to a tanning salon, to walk around being Black? Nope, she got fired. Had she identified as MALE, cut her hair short, worn men's clothing, etc., she could've used the men's room. No problem. Hmmm.

Should white OR black people dress up in Native American costumes and Pilgrim costumes, to recall the days when these two ethnic groups sat down for Thanksgiving? Guess not. White and black people are NOT the red people. And probably none of them are actual descendants of the Pilgrims, either. FOR SHAME!

Recently, straight actors and actresses have been banned from playing transgender roles. How dare somebody who is ACTING not BE what they are pretending to be?

Come to think of it, Boris Karloff's skin wasn't really green when he played Frankenstein's monster. He wasn't really dead, either.

Somehow, Al Roker, who was much funnier when he was fat (oops, is that fat shaming or fat praising) is now sourly making up rules to live by for other people. He's part of the witch-hunt mob, isn't he? He didn't say, "Wait a minute, I didn't say FIRE Kelly," did he? But maybe he just didn't like Megyn Kelly because she was a bitch. (No, no, that's anti-woman.)

When I was a kid, little black kids wore the same cheap stupid Woolworths masks most kids did. If they chose to be BATMAN or SUPERMAN, did any white weatherman shout "NO" at them? Of course not.

What's wrong with a black kid wanting to dress up as Superman, back when it was George Reeves everybody knew, or Christopher Reeves, or any others. Or when Adam West was Batman or Michael Keaton.

Is Al Roker saying that the Wayans Brothers were disgusting and racist and wrong for making an ENTIRE MOVIE where they dressed as WHITE WOMEN and made fun of WHITE WOMEN?

Say, Al, do you think we should ban re-runs of "Mary Tyler Moore Show" episodes because Valerie Harper played a Jewish woman and ISN'T ONE? Oh, and definitely ban "RHODA" from syndication, too? It could happen. We have people howling with anger about these things. Johnny Depp barely got to play Tonto in that bad "Lone Ranger" movie, but insisted there was Native American blood somewhere in his druggy veins.

Some in America (and other parts of the semi-free world) say "Be what you want to be." Enjoy your fantasy. Live out your dreams. "IMAGINE..." And on Halloween, people imagine they are psycho killers, ghouls, and fiends. Nobody's saying, "Don't DO that."

The operative phrase is always "...as long as it doesn't hurt somebody else." Too much. I mean, insult comedy is very popular, and racist and sexist language in RAP is very popular, and Donald Trump's name-calling tweets are very popular.

Obviously anyone actually going out in blackface on Halloween risks the instant scorn and disgust of other people. Just ask Ted Danson, who appeared in blackface at a roast for his then-girlfriend Whoopi Goldberg. Goldberg thought it was funny. Others didn't. If this happened NOW, Danson would never work again.

So, Roker dressed up as a white guy from "Back to the Future." Maybe in the future, he won't be so quick to run his mouth if Fred Armisen plays Obama again. Maybe he'll say "it's ok," if a white Santa Claus appears in a department store in a black neighborhood. Maybe he'll say that some dumb blonde (oops, how offensive) opening a dialogue about whether blackface at Halloween is ok or not, should not automatically be fired. SHADES OF GRAY.

In fact, do we even spell it GRAY? Billy Joel didn't.

I quote from his song:

Shades of grey wherever I go
The more I find out the less that I know
Black and white is how it should be
But shades of grey are the colors I see....
Save us all from arrogant men, and all the causes they're for
I won't be righteous again.
I'm not that sure anymore.
Al Roker is sure. But maybe he's just a bit self-righteous and arrogant sometimes?

Shades of Gray.

Shades of Grey.