Sinead O'Connor Converts to Islam

Sinead O'Connor is really serious about her conversion to Islam. She's left show business. She's walked out on the East End revival of the musical version of "The Addams Family." How are they going to find another Uncle Fester?

Sinead is the second famous singer (there was Yusuf, remember) to change her name in honor of her religious beliefs. Good for her. I hear her new name will be: Cunt Stevens.

Impressive, isn't it? A certifiable crazy person has pledged allegiance to Islam. THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!

She says she doesn't want to look at white people anymore. She has a lot of courage. Breaking a mirror is 7 years bad luck.

She's now wearing a burqa. Her reason: "I can't get anybody to cover my songs anymore. At least I can cover my body."

She's wearing a complete burqa covering her bald head, because Islam forbids exposing a boob.

Official word from ISIS: "We're CRAZY about Sinead O'Connor. We had a feeling she would convert after her last three CDs all tanked. The woman knows all about bombing!"

Sinead is working on a new song, but whenever she comes to the bridge, she has a sudden urge to drive into innocent people.

Roseanne Barr has staged an intervention: she's rushed to Sinead and told her, "Under NO circumstances do you convert to Judaism!" Roseanne mentioned that having Madonna on the team was more than enough. Roseanne said, "I wasn't sure I got there in time. It looked like she'd had her head circumcized." True, these days Sinead looks more and more like Peter Gabriel.

Fortunately there will be no new single from Sinead called "Nothing Compares 2 Jew."

O'Connor issued a statement: "The more devoted I become to Islam, the more likely I will blow up with joy and explode with happiness."

In the meantime, part of her occupational therapy is to rip up more pictures of the Pope.

One of London's most influential Imams, I-Ben to I-Hop, paused in his part-time job flipping pancakes to discuss the situation. He said, "It is an honor to have her convert, even though she is a worthless vagina owner only suitable to be a slave. She will not sing pop songs any longer and will not drive a car. She can drive people crazy, but that's all." He paused. "Wait a minute. Is this the bald bitch who scared her fans by disappearing and living in a South Hackensack, New Jersey hotel? Holy shit, she is FUCKED UP!"