It's embarrassing...to realize I still have a subscription.
It's not my idea. For years, it's existed on $5 a year bargain offers. In fact, the last one was $2 a year, as a "reward" for something or other. I was offered three magazines at $2 each. So, yeah, maybe Matt would have a good poitical expose, and fan-boy Rob a good pop culture piece, and maybe there will be an interview with somebody I've heard of...yeah. OK.
But the $2 offer expired, and I went to cancel, and I was told, "How would you like to extend it, free?"
Free? You mean, like free music downloads? The ones that Rolling Stone doesn't think are hurting the music business, and so they've never written an article about it?
THIS is what I get. A half-baked picture of some babe I never heard of, with a trendy first name (and a NOT so trendy last one. Really, is there a name UGLIER than Kravitz? Why do you suppose they used it for the obnoxious neighbor on "Bewitched?").
I thought the "Hot" issue was going to be full of HOT singers and actresses. Oh, but they already did the fabulous Cardi B., and Kesha is now a tragic figure and NOT to be exploited. And Joni Mitchell would be unseemly. Carly, too. Stevie, too.
I was told that Zoe's "big break" was being in an "X Men" movie in 2011. Oh, so THAT's where I haven't heard from her from.
Sorry, with all deference to the late Stan Lee, I don't give a damn about MARVEL COMIC BOOK MOVIES. Not a one. In fact, the last time I was interested in a guy playing a superhero, George Reeves didn't have a bullet hole in his head.
As my dismay and confusion led me AWAY from the NOT-SO-HOT cover, I was confronted with the opening editorial page, which let me know that the brilliant Rolling Stone has aped a previous pose from...Zoe Kravitz's mommy. Ah. And who is that?
Lisa Bonet. There's a forgotten name.
Not a forgotten pose. The ridiculous "I've just discovered I have breasts, and YOU can't see" pose is an old standard. It went out with the 1958 issue of Nugget.
Come on, Rolling Stone. You can have a cutie-pie portrait of a MURDERER on your cover (the Boston Marathon bomber) so a pair of BREASTS wouldn't hurt. What, the publisher is GAY or something?
Come on, Jann, as little as you apparently know of the female anatomy, it IS possible to create an erotic image without having the woman clutch herself like she's trying to perform a lump exam.
By the way, Lisa Bonet DOES have nipples. I've seen them.
OK, I lied. I can only confirm she has A NIPPLE. I've seen IT.
Back in the days when I was working for photo agencies, and Lisa was a pain in the butt, she appeared somewhere or other, and made sure to wear a catchy outfit for her photo opp. While a lot of the other photographers were muttering to each other, "Who is she," and others refused to tell (ha ha, the better to get an EXCLUSIVE), a few of us came forward...and were taken aback.
"Er, she's got a funny top hat on, and some kind of schmatta of white lace stuff, but her NIPPLE is exposed. Do we tell her??"
Very awkward situation for male photographers: "We'd like to take your photo Lisa, but your tit is showing. Mind if you fix your blouse?"
There was one female photographer among us, her first name beginning with R., who had a strange face that had one eye higher than the other. It might've been some kind of occupational hazard from squinting into a lens so much.
We explained the problem to her, and she knew just what to do.
She walked over, mentioned who she was with, and took a WHOLE BUNCH OF PHOTOS of Lisa and her nipple. I think she sold a bunch to the men's mags of the day. Sans her byline, of course.
She had Lisa bend over slightly for one final picture, and then grandly announced, drawing closer, something like, "Oh, that last pose, your breast is exposed too much...re-button your blouse." Lisa did so, and then we all walked over to snap our pictures.
But I digress. Except that any pictures we took that day were sexier than this dumb shot of Lisa staring off with a "what happened to my bra" look on her face.
There are ways of looking sexy and ways of just looking stupid (contrary to Hedy Lamarr's infamous quote). No, Hay-deee (as she pronounced it), looking like you'll fall into bed with anyone because you just had a lobotomy isn't ALWAYS that attractive.
Just why, of all the women in America, the editors chose Zoe Kravitz for the cover, I have no idea. Maybe she's making another MARVEL COMIC BOOK MOVIE or something. The article mentioned her famous father (the one whose albums are in every dollar bin in the city) said he didn't help her in using her famous last name, she only got her an agent. The rest was up to her, her talent, her hard work, and how well she could grip her boobs.
Kind of ironic, isn't it, that the PC brigade has made sure the "Miss America" contest doesn't have a SWIMSUIT competition anymore, but for an ACTRESS to get attention in Rolling Stone, she has to stick an apple in her mouth, grab her tits, and look like an utter fool.
Just how ridiculous are the rest of the pictures?
Take a look. Maybe part of the problem is a MAN didn't take the pictures. They were not only taken by another woman, but another ZOE. This one is a ZOEY.
HOT?
I suppose she IS hot, technically. What's the deal, it's August and she couldn't afford air conditioning?
Maybe it's not supposed to be HOT, but, you know, the metrosexual pronunciation of the word: HAWT.
Maybe it's HAWT (and even fierce) that Zoe went over to the sauna at the Health and Racquet Club, and kept her top on. She didn't want to risk a wardrobe malfunction ala-mama?
We can SORT of see both nipples, which is fairly sexy, but her expression could be, "Why did I eat at Chipotle?"
Male photographers are sometimes accused of being crudely symbolic in how they pose their nude models, but this is a WOMAN who is posing Zoe with an APPLE in her mouth.
That means Zoe should shut up, because she has nothing to say? Or she's "HOT" only when she looks like a roasted pig? The apple in the mouth does NOT suggest the woman has much going for her besides a certain "West Side Story" vibe.
What, besides MORON, does this picture say? How many women do you know eat an apple by stuffing it, hands free, into their yaps?
And why is she naked doing this? Why is she grabbing one of HER apples? The hand to the throat makes sense...self-Heimlich maneuver to dislodge a chunk of apple.
Maybe it's just me, but random prison-like tattoos aren't too sexy. They suggest that a woman is so fucking boring in bed, that while fucking, you have to doodle on her.
Lastly and leastly, women do NOT need any help in looking silly. Or stupid. Or not worth holding a conversation with and only worth finding, fugging and forgetting.
Zoey's final shot of Zoe, which drew the approval of publisher Jann Wenner (the man who sure knows HOT in a FEMALE these days) is this:
Oh oh oh oh ohhhhh LOOK...Hey Moe, Hey Larry, I'm trapped in my own underwear! I'm handcuffed! Get me OUTTA here!
Some will tell you that women are SO STUPID...
...that they routinely put their undies on inside out.
...and that when they aren't doing THAT, they have put them on backwards.
...and that some women are SO STUPID they do both, AND tell you about it. "OMIGOD, my panties are backwards. They may even be inside out!"
"OH? Pull up your skirt and let me have a look."
"What? WHO do you think I am, ZOE KRAVITZ????"
You'd think that we're over the 50's friskiness of "I Enjoy Being a Girl" or the 80's variation, "Girls just wanna have fun," but heeeeere's ZOE, who gets more laughs out of being trapped in her underwear, than Lisa Bonet got over all those seasons on "The Cosby Show."
What else can you say about that photo? That ratty hair does not make a nice camouflage for two gently sagging breasts?
That the odds are very good that Zoe shaves her pubes?
That it took her an hour to extricate herself from her underpants, or her t-shirt, or her ONESIE or whatever it is, and that the outtakes are probably a lot sexier and funnier?
It leaves you unimpressed. As in:
ZOE WHAT.
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