OK, not ripped from today's news...more like screen-capped.
When I read that an idiot in Florida owned a cassowary, or several, and was apparently breeding them to sell to other collectors, I thought "that's a foolish thing to do."
First off, who the hell WANTS one? Just for the novelty of it? To be able to say "Oh, an OSTRICH? Not for ME...that's TOO Common..."??
They are MUCH more dangerous. How did I know?
Why, I'm a comedy expert, that's how. I instantly flashed back to Jim Moran.
To who?
Jim Moran, who died age 91 back on October 22, 1999, put out a comedy record during that golden era when such things could go gold, and obscure people like Tom Lehrer and Allan Sherman could become stars.
He had a whole routine about a cassowary.
His full time job was PR man and publicist. Since the 1940's he amused the press with his stunts. In order to promote the publication of "The Egg and I" he sat on an ostrich egg for 19 days...and hatched it.
Time magazine dubbed him "the supreme master of...the publicity stunt." Eventually he became as well known as his stunts, and this led to appearances on late night talk shows, and after several visits to Jack Paar's program, his very own record album.
From his cassowary treatise:
"The vicious, ill-tempered cassowary of New Guinea. That's a miserable bird...Did you know a six foot male cassowary weighs 300 pounds, and has wattles that hang down sixteen to eighteen inches from his chin? Two bright red sacks full of hard lard swinging back and forth? It's depressing. But don't ever get a cassowary sore at you. I was weighing the wattles of a cassowary down in Queensland, Australia two years ago...the cassowary didn't seem to be in a very good humor, so I gave him a wad of tutti-frutti chewing gum. While he was trying to figure that out I picked up his wattles and gently laid them on the scales. I guess the weighing pan was kind of chilly because his wattles began to pucker. Well he went hog wild and started to wattle me across the chops. And having never been wattled before, much less by an angry cassowary, I had no defense so I got wattled. I learned a good lesson though. Never pucker the wattles of a cassowary..."
Moran wasn't quite accurate with his description of a cassowary. Yes, the bird can be six feet tall. But 300 pounds? No, they weigh about half that. But that's enough.
The cassowary not only has a powerful kick, it has a sharp claw that's like a four inch knife. It can very easily slice somebody fatally. Just what happened to 75 year-old Marvin Hajos, I don't know. He may have been kicked, slashed, or just died of fright.
The point is, listen to comedians. Ya might learn something. It might save your life.
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