Revised Editions: TRAMP and TRUMP

An original "sleaze paperback." Lawrence Block wrote under the "Andrew Shaw" pseudonym, but I'm not sure if EVERY book under that name was his. Often when an author stopped knocking' 'em out, somebody else was called in to keep the popular pseudonym going. There was more than one "John Milton" at SCREW, after all.

Larry, if you feel like knocking out 200 pages to go with my revised book jacket cover...

PS. Robert Silverberg also did some fine work for the same publisher, under the name Don Elliott. Check out "Tease," "Love Addict," etc. etc. I think all of the Don Elliott books could be re-written to have the new president as the protagonist...with no change in the actual book titles.

Once you go black....you don't wanna go back to uncensored news!

Blacked out for your amusement, the January 31st headlines.

CENSORED HEADLINES for JANUARY 30th

Every day I keep trying to find ways of defeating the loud, irritating IMBEDDED TV screens that insist on TELLING me what I came to the sight to QUIETLY READ.

Whatever I do, the website in question finds a new way to put it BACK AGAIN.

So I have to keep the SOUND OFF when I surf, and hit the X in the corner as soon as some moron at a desk starts babbling. Most of the time, the news report is just another politician being stupid, another terrorist with an AK7, or another story about some useless reality-show celebrity.

Here's the news of the day that's worth looking at. But only as long as it's CENSORED.

Judy Garland Flies Out of the Cemetery - Basil Rathbone's remains remain

Ever visit Hartsdale, New York? Ferncliff Cemetery?

Same thing. Both are pretty dead.

Hartsdale is sort of like Scarsdale, only without a pulse.

And there's no resident with a pulse at Ferncliff.

Oddly, Ferncliff is a little less dead, now that Judy Garland's gone. I mean, GONE from the cemetery.

Ferncliff doesn't have as many famous celebs as its Bronx cousin, Woodlawn, but does have quite a few.

Now it has one less.

Kind of odd, isn't it, that after nearly 50 years, Liza decided to move mama.

You mean, Ferncliff couldn't have shoved a few urns out of the way, and made a little more room? Couldn't have built a little annex off to the side of one of the buildings and called it Garlandia?

Fact is, who the HELL goes to Hartsdale just to visit a local cemetery there? An attraction like Judy Garland would be the biggest reason. She's the biggest star there. Or, was. They let Judy's ashes slip through their fingers? They couldn't say anything to change Liza's mind? Liza was dead set against any offer??

Judy (and Liza) will get MUCH more visitors via L.A. tourists. That's a consideration, I suppose. It's always nice weather, so visitors will flock all year round.

Too bad Liza has crushed one "super fan" who, irony of ironies, lives in California but went to Ferncliff to buy space next to fabulous Judy. According to the NY Post, a space at Fernwood, especially in a prime location, can go for $15,000. A cemetery manager admitted, "the man...specifically flew in from California because he is a big fan of hers. He purchased a plot near her so when he dies he could be next to her. I don’t know what he is going to do now.”

I visited Ferncliff.

I don't recall seeing Judy Garland. There were quite a few corridors full of urns on display. And, no, there was no rainbow on the floor with an arrow pointing toward Judy's.

The reason I'd gone over to Ferncliff was to see Basil Rathbone. He and his wife are shelved very high on a mausoleum wall. Some people might need to bring along opera glasses to make sure they're looking at the right set of spaces. No, there's no memorable quote etched for either of them.

While Woodlawn has a map that can help you get around, I didn't notice one available for Fernwood. The only other celebrity I wanted to see, and could find, was Moms Mabley, who was planted out in a flat stretch of grass, with no tombstone, just a marker in the ground.

For the record, ghoulish fans who DO want to take a train or a bus (or both) to Ferncliff, or have a relative or friend living nearby who can drive them, can STILL see Basil and Moms and...quite a few other celebs.

You'll still find, starring in alphabetical order...

Harold Arlen, James Baldwin, Richard Barthelmess, Bela Bartok, Connee Boswell, Cab Calloway, Joan Crawford, Lew Fields (partner with Weber in a vaudeville comedy act), Betty Furess, Oscar Hammerstein II, Annette Hanshaw, Moss and Kitty Carlisle Hart, Karen Horney, Alberta Hunter, Jerome Kern, Marion Lorne, Malcolm X, Thelonius Monk, Paul Robeson, Sig Romberg, Otto Soglow (cartoonist), Preston Sturges, Ed Sullivan, Judy Tyler (vivacious actress killed in a car crash) and Conrad Veidt.

SORRY, but Bill Maher was on target and funny AGAIN!

In his latest editorial, Bill Maher skewered the Democrats and Liberals for constantly finding offense over just about everything, and apologizing for nothing.

Should HE apologize for seeming to condone the hard-hearted, obnoxious behavior of Republicans, Conservatives and the "tea baggers" and the alt-right? As he would no doubt say, "FUCK NO!"

Mort Sahl used to chuckle at the end of his act and say "Is there any group I haven't offended?"

The man who has become another generation's Mort Sahl, is not even asking that question. Because the people who might say yes are people who don't get or understand iconoclastic humor.

Maher is not like Jon Stewart. He doesn't pull a face to punctuate every sentence. He's not comedy's Lon Chaney, the Man with a Thousand Gruesomely Overdone Expressions of Anger and Chagrin. He rarely deviates from a smirk or a baleful stare.

But here, he did a lot of cry-faces, showing just how ridiculous the "politically correct" brigade have been, in DEMANDING apologies from Steve Martin and others.

Everybody's supposed to apologize for everything, and worse, slink off and sit in a corner until forgiven. IF forgiven. I'm thinking about Katie Rich, the SNL writer who is still suspended.

Bill didn't mention this, but it is worth noting: another trait of the "politically correct," is for the complainant to write as if he was in the 19th Century. You see this in the comments section all the time. The offended party, thinking the computer keyboard is somehow a quill pen, will open with, "You, Sir..."

Being polite and deferential while being offended? You know the two words Bill would have for that. FUCK and OFF.

DUMBTH #58594 "What do we call a BABY COW?"

In my ongoing tribute to my friend STEVE ALLEN, and his book "Dumbth," continuing examples of the "dumbing down" of the culture and the language.

ATTENTION, ABC NEWS.

WHAT, IF YOU OWN A DICTIONARY, DO YOU CALL A "BABY COW?"

Would that be...CALF?

Oh, but that's SUCH a difficult WORD...

Have you noticed how often you click a link to a news story, and Get NO STORY TO READ?

Instead you get a video. A TV screen. Because in our world of DUMBTH, Internet websites figure you need to SEE and HEAR everything, and can't POSSIBLY READ.

Thank you for the DUMBTH, ABC NEWS.

A line from an Elvis Costello song:

"She said that she was working for the ABC News. It was as much of the alphabet as she knew how to use."

The Censored Headlines for January 27th

NO Trump headlines here.

Why? Oh, they are a different type of SLAP and TICKLE, and exist on their own.

If you "change your way of thinking," anything horrible he does has a bright side to make you SMILE.

Know what I mean? We're supposed to take the slap in the face, and be tickled by it, because it's actually GOOD.

Trump's building the wall. SLAP. But Mexico will pay for it. TICKLE.

WE will pay that extra 20% when we buy Mexico's tariffed goods. SLAP. But El Presidente de Mexico is pissed off! TICKLE.

Trump is going ahead with the leaky oil pipeline. SLAP. But slobs on motorcycles will have lower gas prices. TICKLE.

Trump is gutting abortion laws. SLAP. But oooh, love your cute baby photo posted on Facebook. Little bastard! TICKLE.

Trump has an anti-climate change asshole lording over the EPA. SLAP. More beach days in February! TICKLE

So...

Let's slap some censorship on the headlines to make them ticklish.