AMAZING Bill Maher -- HIS HAIR HAS GOTTEN DARKER AND FULLER

I think Bill Maher is GREAT...the Mort Sahl of our time...

I don't miss "Real Time," and it's one of the few weekly shows I care about at all.

But when you get to be "our" age...Bill and I...one thing that one also notices is..."How are you holding up..." hair-wise. Face-wise. As in, "Does Bob Costas look waxy...like he's had some work done...how's Letterman's hair...is Howard Stern using hair dye...is Billy Crystal's receding hair line being halted by transplants..."

With Bill...who did throw a million bucks away on Obama's campaign...did he spend another million for work on...a receding hairline and a dye job?

Compare and older picture of Bill...and wonder if his Christmas gift to himself wasn't to re-emerge for the new "Real Time" season with a really different look...

AND NOW...

New Rules...if a celebrity gets "refurbished" tell us who did the job and how much, so we can get it too. UNLESS your name is Joan Rivers

ANCIENT Jokes in PLAYBOY'S Jan-Feb 2014 Issue

Who's the jokes editor at Playboy? Henny Youngman's still alive?

"The Playboy Philosophy," judging from the Jan-Feb 2014 issue's joke page, seems to be Henny's quote: "A joke isn't old if you haven't heard it before."

The "monkey" joke...that goes back to Flip Wilson, circa 1966. Flip stretched it for a few minutes, and set the story on a train. The conductor tries to calm the woman down as she says, "I've never been so insulted!" He replies, "On behalf of the railroad, we are going to give you a free meal. And maybe we can find a banana for your monkey."

As for the pathetic "he honored her offer" gag...that goes back to Limerick, Ireland. Or Stonehenge. Just embarrassing.

Which reminds me of a story....

At one time, I was the "jokes editor" for a sophisticated (?) magazine called High Society. Let's say that the title of the magazine was the only thing sophisticated about it. In my time there, they went through four editors. The fourth was a woman, and one day when I dropped off my pages, she said, "We've got to talk."

Stricken by my charm and good looks, perhaps?

"It's about your joke page."

Oh.

"I don't think these jokes are funny."

Is it possible that some women just have no sense of humor?? In response to her sour grimace, I pointed out that I was trying my best to award money to ANYONE who could send in a funny joke. Since this rarely yielded more than two or three gags that barely made me smile, I filled in the rest. "Give me an example of a joke you thought was funny," I said, "And I'll try to find more like it."

"I didn't find any of them funny," she replied. "I want jokes like Playboy runs!"

To which I replied, "I don't find the jokes in Playboy funny. Most of them are old and boring."

Her spacious office contained a magazine rack filled with the competition. She strode over, grabbed the latest issue of Playboy, and intently stared at the joke page. She kept on staring.

She kept on staring.

Finally, she tossed the magazine down and said, "I want jokes like Playboy USED to run!"

Hey, maybe that explains what Playboy is doing. They're going back to find jokes that USED to be funny.

They're re-working gags off comedy albums from 50 years ago.

It was red hot mama Pearl Williams (contemporary of Belle Barth and Sophie Tucker) who told the joke about the fake gold earrings. Only in her version, the woman was going to bed with a gypsy. The punchline, which I know from memory: "Tell him his earrings aren't solid gold!"

This was followed by Pearl tinkling the ivories and playing a few bars of "Golden Earrings." Which beat doing a rimshot.

The joke below that? "Marriage," I'm paraphrasing but I think this is accurate, "is like going to a bank. You put it in, you take it out...you lose interest!"

Professor Irwin Corey, who is over 90 years old. And that gag of his is at least 60.

Bugger the Bastard at LONDON DAILY MAIL re. Peter O'Toole Censorship

Last time I checked, the word "BASTARD" was still in the dictionary, and among other things, a pseudonym for an illegitimate child.

The British word "BUGGER," is so old it's as toothless as the orifice that usually gets buggered. It's more often used as a noun, and a pseudonym for bastard. As in "poor old bastard" or "poor old bugger." How are either of these ancient, familiar, mild terms offensive, especially from old PETER O'TOOLE?

and

We're getting pretty coy and silly with the asterisks. Psst...when you pronounce that last word, asterisk, you're saying "ass..." so maybe asterisk itself should be rendered as ******* for having an ass to risk.

B***** or the "N-word" or the "C-word" or the "F-word" -- what's the point if we all know what that word actually is?

Who is the London Daily Mail to censor Peter O'Toole?? Who would've been offended by "Bastard" and "Bugger," especially in a newspaper that routinely prints rude photos of idiot celebrity "wardrobe malfunctions," grotesque pictures of victims of violence, and the hate-screeds of religious fanatics? Why not censor coverage of crimes such as school shootings, on the grounds that publicizing them only encourages copycats?

We all know which words Peter O'Toole was using, so who was being spared here? A few little old ladies? A few 4 year-olds just beginning to learn to read?

Somebody decides for Peter O'Toole what the public is allowed to hear from him? There's now a law against "bugger" and "bastard" even when used in a colorful, comic way?

B-word, B-word, you F-words at the London Daily Mail! Eat S-word!

TYPO POSITIVE - AND SACRILEGE, TOO

Say it isn't so...

What? Another one of the poorly trained, totally inferior "comedy stars" of today is going to boldly take over an iconic comedy role?

Add a bit of insult to the injury...spell Leslie Nielsen's name wrong, too.

Typo Positive: POW! A Pregnant Elderly Care Giver?

Sad story...also sad that Ms. Pow couldn't phrase the headline any better.

What? This guy ran over a pregnant elderly caregiver? 24?

Is 24 elderly? And how elderly are you before you can't get pregnant?

Oh.

Ms. Pow could've simply typed written :24 year old," and later described the good work she did as a caregiver for the elderly. But maybe she was busy multi-tasking, texting while driving...

Kim Kardashian...talentless trashy media whore...and CHEAP, too. EBAY "CHARITY" AUCTIONS

Kim Kardashian? Right, the slutty nobody who came to fame because of a leaked porn video. As if "daughter of a creepy lawyer who helped get O.J. off" made her so newsworthy. Now that Kim is a multi-millionaire, you'd think she's at least try and change her image by dressing well, and...always good...giving money away.

Who knew the tacky airhead was CHEAP, too? The latest news is her "charity" auctions on eBay...make more money for HER than for the charities!

Miss Selfie couldn't even go halfies...as in "50% of the auction will go to charity." She squeezed it down to just 10%.

Most good charities are non-profit. Her excuse is that eBay and Paypal take out a high percentage in fees. NO, they don't. If you auction off a dress for $100, they'll take 10% each. There's no excuse for not at least going 50-50.

Oh yeah...Miss 10 Percent to Charity has enough money for...GOLD TOILETS!

Ronnie Smith "Libya's Best Friend" de-Friended by Sniper

A 33 year-old teacher from Texas, Ronnie Smith decided to educate kids in Libya, and called himself "Libya's Best Friend."

In case you can't guess what happened next, here's one of today's news reports...

Some say he should never have gone to Libya.

Well...you might remember my YouTube video and Groucho imitation after Moammar was shot:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTquHnLvzXY

But really, if you'd care to Google the name "Philip Chism," you'll know that it's just as risky to be an honest, dedicated teacher in Massachusetts. Or any other state of the Union. What 14 year-old Philip did would probably sicken even a Libyan sniper.

You could say this Ronnie Smith was a hero. Or at least, a great optimist.

He was also a bit odd, as you'd expect from somebody named Ronnie Smith. Here, on Twitter, just days before his demise, he tells the world about...a butt sprayer...

What does this teach us?

Use your butt sprayer while ye may, because there's no warranty on your ass, and it may not last as long.

In addition to Warren Zevon's "enjoy every sandwich," now there's Yomna..."enjoy every peanut butter cookie," whether you can sing Happy Birthday in Arabic or not.

As Groucho said of Harpo, "he was a nice man, and that's as good an epitaph as any." Ronnie Smith: a nice man; and a humanitarian, an idealist, an optimist, and for a little while, a maker of peanut butter cookies and smiles. Hopefully his teachings will not be forgotten.

The PITH of SMITH

I'm in the latest cyber-issue of PLANET PROCTOR (edited by Firesign Theater's Phil Proctor)

Just a little bit of wit. Or is it?

Huh? Well, maybe it's profound.

Or funny.

When I was putting together the "Comedy Quote Dictionary" (Doubleday) I noticed how many sages (from Oscar Wilde and Mark Twain to P.T. Barnum and Yoko Ono) were quoted for some bit of wisdom. If you say it with just the right gravity, or while carrying a rolled up copy of The New Yorker, your funny remark might be taken seriously. Or vice versa.

Are you SURE you don't want to read more likable death stories...

No proofreaders.

After all, the phrase "YOU MAY ALSO LIKE..." is ALWAYS appropriate at the end of a story...

...and the bots ALWAYS make sure to match up likely links for you to click...

DEADLY IRONIES - November 2013

TYPO POSITIVE: Crazy Net Swingers Needed a Helper?

Funny...I don't see that third person...

But the DAILY NEWS says this couple had help.

This story is either a) true...with a husband being awfully generous in showing his wife's nudity or b) staged...with these swingers getting off on being exhibitionists, as long as it "seems" the wife doesn't know. Either way it's pretty stupid.

And where IS that third person who allegedly had something to do with helping these two? Check out that last line...

Ron's Re-Captioned Cartoons

RE-CAPTIONED CARTOON Some are Photoshopped a bit as well. Thanks to the original cartoonist, Mr. Twohy.

South Dakota Jettisons Joan Jett from Macy's Parade

What do you know about South Dakota? Nothing. Because what's in South Dakota? Nothing.

If you think about it, you might recall that "Mount Rushmore" is in there, somewhere. It's a monument to four American presidents who believed in freedom, an exchange of ideas, and some kind of liberty and justice for all. But...not so fast. Let's not promote a vegetarian lifestyle. And let's not promote being kind to animals!

South Dakota's thriving industry is killing cows. The last thing they want to do is let anyone know, even subliminally, that there are animal lovers such as PETA, or vegetarians such as Joan Jett, who don't want to harm animals or turn them into burgers for recreational gorging, or hot dogs for eating contests.

And so...lobbyists in South Dakota, in the exact opposite of Mount Rushmore's spirit of Democracy...raised a stink and demanded that Macy's remove Joan Jett from the South Dakota Thanksgiving Day float.

Why tell the world that South Dakota is for tolerance, free speech, and allowing people to make up their minds about whether to eat meat or not? Why celebrate "diversity" of thought?

The irony here, is that Joan Jett has played South Dakota, felt honored to represent the state, and had no intention of wearing a PETA button or doing a cover of The Smiths song "Meat is Murder." She just wanted to help out South Dakota...but they were too paranoid and too hung up to allow it.

So what sort of artist actually represents South Dakota? Anyone have a phone number for Meatloaf? Is Kate Smith dead? Maybe Ted Nugent would be a good choice but heck, is everyone in South Dakota a fan of out-dated 70's rock music?

In case you're wondering how Joan Jett got involved, it was because NOBODY ELSE WANTED TO BE ON SOUTH DAKOTA'S FLOAT. According to Associated Press, the choices made by the South Dakota State Tourism board either turned down the offer or had other commitments (like attending a bullfight?) Macy's began to check on who else might be available, and were rescued by Joan Jett, who thought she had a lot of fans in South Dakota.

Now Macy's will have to find some other float for Joan...and try and find someone else to suit South Dakota's demographics and prejudices.

In case you're wondering who was on the float last year...it was DON McLEAN. As per the standard arrangement, he got $5,000 to perform, and Macy's got $175,000 from South Dakota as the fee for allowing them to promote their state in the parade.

SOMEBODY sure made a mistake, didn't they? His big song was not "American MEAT Pie," just "American Pie." Another song of his, "Prime Time," has a line about "chemicals in everything, including me." Hey, South Dakota, what hormones DO you inject into your beef?

An earlier year saw Neil Diamond on the South Dakota float. Pssst, South Dakota. The man is a JEW...you don't allow many of THEM in South Dakota, do ya? Weren't you afraid a bunch of Jews might come in from Brooklyn and ruin your fun by promoting the kosher way of slaughtering beef? Or suggesting all dairy meals and NO CHEESEBURGERS??

Poor South Dakota. There are many more musicians and rock acts that you'll have to veto, with the same urgency Nikita Kruschev used back in the days when he was pounding a (leather!) shoe to make his points. You Meat Heads do NOT want to book...

BREAD, VANILLA FUDGE, STRAWBERRY ALARM CLOCK, HOT TUNA, SUGARLOAF, Chuck BERRY, CREAM, RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS, Robert PLANT...

TYPO POSITIVE : ROY HARPER. Daily Mail Finds him GROSS (in a good way?)

Well, what do you expect from a guy who once put out an album called Stormcock?

Now joining the ranks of the scandalous Brit pedophiles, Harper has managed, at least according to the Daily Mail, to have committed indecent acts and also ones that were...kind of ok but disgusting?

Ha Ha Ha, Hoax Hoax Hoax: Andy Kaufman Bullshit via his Idiot Brother

You know something?

Andy Kaufman wasn't too funny when he was alive. He's even more annoying dead.

Aside from ripping off every ethnic clown that came before him for his "Latka" character on "Taxi" (it could easily have been Jose Jimenez), Kaufman was a comic better heard about than actually seen.

Ha ha ha, he liked to pretend to be an obnoxious lounge singer.

Ha ha ha, he'd lip sync to the theme from Mighty Mouse.

Ha ha ha, he'd pretend to wrestle people, or he did wrestle professional fake wrestlers, or...who the hell cares?

Kaufman was, at best, a "performance artist," which would be a good excuse for not getting laughs. Was Tony Clifton real? Not real? Always Andy? Sometimes Bob Zmuda? That's not exactly entertainment, is it?

Kaufman died of cancer (not very funny) yet despite doing so in a high profile hospital, WITH A DEATH CERTIFICATE, the feeble and unfunny "Andy is still alive" act went on and on.

The latest "Andy is alive" crapola was reported by Fagin-goon Harvey Levin's infantile TMZ squad of snots, geeks and teenage guffawing baboons. Some woman got up in an obscure comedy club (and they've all been pretty damn obscure since 1988 and the days when The Improv and Catch actually booked rising stars) and announced she was "daughter of Andy."

This inane story was picked up by all the lazy newspaper websites that are too short-staffed to do anything but parrot "According to TMZ..." Which makes as much journalistic sense as saying, "According to a fart at Burger King..."

How long would it take before somebody recognized this hoaxing bitch, and put together that she and Kaufman's idiot brother were playing a game? Not long at all.

Michael Kaufman, who was quoted as saying he had some kind of letter from Andy saying he was alive, and who professed to at least believe there was a "50-50" chance the woman sharing the stage with him was his niece and not a prankster, should be ashamed of himself. If a performer's act is so deathly dead that nobody wants to see tapes of it or hear recordings of it, then all the desperate "he's still alive" games in the world will not help.

There should be a law against "hoaxing," but that would also imply there's an effective law against e-mail "spoofs," or other obnoxious activities that waste time and money. This woman might as well claim to be a Nigerian princess, or be from Chase or Paypal asking you to go to a (fake) website and put in your password to correct a "security" problem. If you fall for it, too bad for you. Meanwhile, hooray hooray for TMZ and the rest, who make money off website traffic and don't care what they do to get it.

Face it, Kaufman was not Lenny Bruce. Not Mort Sahl. He wasn't up there taking risks to liberate language or address the abuse of minorities or to point out an emperor with no clothes. All he was doing was a lip sync to Mickey Mouse and other "satires" on what might or might not be the limit to a paying customer's endurance.

Michael Ochs, brother of Phil, has not had to resort to hoaxes, schemes, and the sick "he is still alive" game that Michael Kaufman has played. Phil Ochs can still speak for himself anytime somebody wants to hear one of his records. The fact that not everybody wants to watch an Andy Kaufman video, or see a movie about him, is no excuse to play twisted games that end with "Andy would love this, ha ha ha." Andy, let's remember, and let me say it again, also liked to lip sync to Mighty Mouse.

Hopefully now that his idiot brother and his fake daughter have been exposed, and the death certificate the drooling twerps at TMZ can't find is out there for all to see, we'll have an end to the "Andy Kaufman is still alive" bullshit. To Kaufman's idiot brother, I say this: Go put up some leaflets about the missing Avante Oquendo. Go interview the latest babbling nutjob who did or didn't molest and kill Etan Patz. Or find Ken Bowser (of the award winning Phil Ochs "There But for Fortune" film) and see if there are enough legitimately hilarious clips on Andy to create a documentary anyone would want to watch.

They say the pun is the lowest form of humor. I'd say doing a lip sync to the Mighty Mouse theme is a lot lower, and has even less potential for getting any kind of laugh. In that regard, both the physical Andy Kaufman and his film clips are dead. Concentrate, Michael Kaufman, on seeing if you can revive the latter and get somebody to laugh. As for the "still alive" hoax...it's way past Andy's expiration date...a date you can easily check by looking at...HIS DEATH CERTIFICATE.

TYPO POSITIVE : Gore Vidal and a Homosexual's Choice Of Whiskey

The Daily Mail breathlessly reports that two distant relatives of Gore Vidal want his money, and say he was a gay pedophile.

Vidal's homosexuality seemed to prey on the writer's subconscious...check the Freudian typo in a quote about "single malt" scotch.

SHARE WHAT YOU SEE?

I see a waste of money for Google's daily waste of time.

Every day, Google's opening page chances to reveal some "clever" spelling of GOOGLE and some "cute" puzzle, animation or other "game."

It's supposed to make me think kindly of a spy ring that coordinates Google payments, Google g-mail, Google blogs, Google searches, Google spy maps...in order to rival the FBI for intrusive nefariousness.

It's supposed to make me stop wondering why their compounds resemble Scientology hives, and why their leaders are corrupt. That would include Herr Schmidt, who has to defend his "tax avoidance policies," and why his company is regularly fined by governments for copyright infringement and other abuses. He was also the star of a headline "8.2 Billion Dollar Love Rat," pointing out that the 58 year-old "do no wrong" uber-leader resists any crackdown on easy-access to porn but has an open marriage and is out to screw anyone and everyone he can.

Google's cutie-pie logos and animated games are supposed to make me stop wondering about Google's fist-in-ass relationship with a creepy site called "Chilling Effects," which is basically a reverse of the Jews in the ovens idea. It's copyright holders sent into the deep freeze. Any complaint sent to Google is forwarded, for all to see, at "Chilling Effects," the better for anonymous "we like free" hackers to play their "pirate" games and harass those that expect to be paid for the use of intellectual property.

"Share" what you see, is Internet-speak for "steal everything and call it freedom of speech." That's the Google way. It isn't just some penny ante website called "Zero Paid" that laughs at writers, artists, photographers, movie makers and anyone else trying to earn a living in a crowded, difficult field. It's goo-goo good ol' Google, the billion dollar company that is greedy for more. Oh, and let's not forget YouTube, where they don't pay anything for most of the content, and a few pennies for the freak "gone viral" videos of a fat Korean doing a stupid dance

Soon "share what you see" won't be an option. Your computer will blink on without you touching it, a camera will "share" whatever you're doing, any videos will appear on YouTube, and all photos will be opted into a Google search. Your bank account will be hacked. The good news? Your identity will be stolen, so you can start fresh with a new one. Claim to be an illegal immigrant. The government will give you food, shelter, even a cellphone. If you're offered free Internet access, here's three words of advice: PULL THE PLUG.

Shed Few Tears for The Onion

"Giant burrito to solve all of Area Man's problems for 6 precious minutes."

Har har har.

That's the lead article for THE ONION.

If you think NPR radio is exciting, and anything "Sedaris" a scream, then you had to laugh over the Giant Burrito.

This article was quoted as one of the many knee-slappers you WON'T be able to get off one of those eyesore kiosks on the sidewalk. See, THE ONION is going all digital.

Well...tragedy is comedy with no more time left.

Ye of little real sense of humor, shed a tear for the print version of THE ONION, the freebie newspaper that has been dolefully doling out hilarious "fake news" for 25 years.

The publishing industry has been going through what they call a "sea change." To give you an idea of just how badly the publishing industry is doing, the phrase "sea change" continues to be used. Such is the lack of imagination and literacy...and the inability to pay anyone to come up with a better phrase.

Bozo Bezos over at Amazon is squeaking his red rubber nose at the thought of even more Kindle sales, and who knows, one day I might actually buy some kind of "reading device" or one of those half-size tablets, and be another monotonous mug on the bus, staring at a retina-killing screen...with one lazy eye wandering to check if there's anybody nearby who might steal it. I wouldn't hear 'em coming, since my ears would be Bose-plugged against a cell phone shouter and screaming baby (usually the same person)

At the risk of being called a Luddite and having to look up the word to check if it's really an insult, I think a newspaper should BE a newspaper. Even if it's called The Onion. I think you should be able to read something without wasting electricity. Also, if you don't like something in a newspaper, you can ball it up with your fist. You can have the satisfaction of tossing it in the trash, and maybe even telling someone else that you don't get a belly laugh just because somebody used the phrase "giant burrito."

How many more magazines and newspapers will join the Christian Science Monitor, The Onion, etc. etc. in offering just a "digital" ephemeral publication? And spending more attention on maybe a video game version, or just a set of tweets? And let's not forget that today's anime and meme crowd like an EDGY name...so out goes Newsweek and instead, get your link to THE DAILY BEAST. Arrrrrggh!

Say, that would be so funny, dudes...change The Onion to....Arrrrrggh!

MORTIFIED by a Sahlty Tea-Bagger

I was sitting in the audience and Woody Allen was introducing Mort: "He never disappoints..."

It was true then. A dozen years ago. Now? Maybe he doesn't disappoint if you're a tea bagger. Otherwise, it's pretty disappointing to see somebody whose act still includes anecdotes about Alexander Haig...and who "tweets" the same opinionated un-funny drivel you might hear from any grumpy redneck grandpa after too much beer.

Where's the Sahlty wit here? There's not even any personality behind these numb one-liners. Dennis Miller, the conservative right wing's favorite hipster, would at least have tossed in some improbable hyperbole.

I'm not saying that the pun on "The Bitter Tea of General Yen" is anything to be proud of, but it beats "Mort Sahl is doing nothing," which is how this piece could be titled. He's doing nothing but tarnishing a reputation for being a satirist and an iconoclast. There's nothing too iconoclastic about being in the same fetid Carnival Cruise ship with Rush Limbaugh. There's nothing funny about appealing to couples who look like the models for "American Gothic," only with rifles hidden behind their backs instead of pitchforks.

"Jack Kennedy gave his life for nothing. He died and you did nothing."

Well, Mort if he gave his life for nothing, maybe HE did nothing, too.

Although screwing Marilyn Monroe and Jackie Kennedy (among others) is a pretty good waste of time.

Sort of like screwing Phyllis Kirk and Playboy centerfold China Lee?

Mort of course, did more than just treat women like sports cars...to be ridden and then traded in. He went to work for Garrison after Kennedy died. The results of this was no definitive answer to who killed Kennedy. "He died and you did nothing" could be directed, posthumously, at Garrison...a bony finger pointing at his grave.

Who did Mort tweet this to? Every fan who read it. That kind of mean-spirited bitterness is, to quote another political fossil once considered amusing and now barely remembered, Ross Perot: "that's just sad."

Admittedly, it's tough now for a Mort or a Jackie Mason to have much of an audience, now that Leno, Letterman, Kimmel, Colbert and Stewart give us all the political jokes and social put-downs we need...no cover no minimum. These guys don't need to book the old-time comics, and are not prone too if some of them are going to sit there recycling gags, using out of date references, or just sitting there with a twitchy upper lip and nervous laughter because they aren't up on things the way Bill Maher or Dennis Miller are.

Tweeting is supposed to show that you're still out there ready to fly into town...not that you're stuck at home with a surplus of the eggs you laid. The sulfurous remarks that Mort passes off as something worth reading are no better than the comments that cranks leave on newspaper websites.

You'd expect any anonymous goon to follow an article on Obama with "Who on Earth does this government serve?" or "He couldn't play the president in a school play." You expect more from somebody who was once on the over of Time magazine...even if that was 53 years ago.

When Miley Cyrus sticks her tongue out, She's Really Bitchin'!

Bitches like to stick their tongues out...

Woody Allen's son is really Frank Sinatra's bastard?

How coy. Mia Farrow is saying it's "possible" that the son she supposedly had with Woody Allen is Sinatra's.

"Ronan Farrow" does look like a gay Frank Sinatra. Or a metrosexual one. When you have a weak father banished from contact and a strong, strong mother...that's a recipe for sexual confusion.

The only time "Ronan Farrow" is in the news is when he's bad-mouthing his father, Woody Allen. He actually Tweeted (how brave) on Father's Day some sarcasm: "Happy Father's Day, or as they call it in my family, Happy Brother-in-Law's day."

Nobody really wants to interview this guy about the cushy high-paying no-real-work government jobs he's gotten through his Mia Farrow connections, or how he attends Hillary Clinton parties and rubs soft shoulders with all the other pretty boys who attend the power-dinners in Washington D.C., No, name-change Ronan (that's not what Woody named him) only gets press when he disses Woody. As in: "He's my father married to my sister. That makes me his son and his brother-in-law. That is such a moral transgression."

Snitty, silly and based on a minor legality. "Ronan" seems like the kind of guy who goes into a tizzy at Lord & Taylor because the designer label on the back of his 45$ necktie was sewed with nylon thread instead of cotton.

Yeah, technically Woody married his "sister." But also, technically, Woody never married Mia. So what does the bastard have to say about that? Does he walk around telling everyone he's a bastard?

"I cannot have a relationship with my father and be morally consistent...I lived with all these adopted children, so they are my family. To say Soon-Yi was not my sister is an insult to all adopted children."

Soon-Yi is not only adopted, but of a completely different race. The accusation that Woody's some maniac involved in incest is totally "off the chain," and it's been part of ignorant criticism about him for decades now; "He married his own daughter."

You might feel sorry for "Ronan Farrow," growing up with a choice of lunatics. Mia Farrow is nuts, and also an actress who can lie convincingly, and turn anyone against anyone. And Woody is a genius and there's plenty of selfishness and insanity that goes with genius. I read Mia's book. You certainly can sympathize with the plight of an intelligent, still-attractive (and vain) actress discovering that the guy she's had a long-term relationship with is taking nude pix of her 22 year-old (and not all that attractive) adopted daughter. Just what went on with their adopted daughter Dylan...is a whole different Rashoman.

In her book Mia didn't mention anything about an "open relationship" with Woody that would allow her to fuck Frank Sinatra. So is this an actress's invention or something she finally decided to reveal that wasn't suitable for the book?

It's a bit peculiar that she'd be saying that a 70-something Sinatra could father her child...and not be too concerned about how the widow Barbara Sinatra would take this.

The answer? According to Barbara, apparently channeling Yogi Berra, this is an example of "lies that aren't true."

How extra coy of Ronan to not confirm or deny who is father is. Is that his coquette way of having fun with the reporters flocking to find out more about his life? Or would Mom be angry if he said that he'd never heard her say a word about his paternity being in question and that she can sometimes be caught up in her own world of revenge or confusion?

Woody's wisely not taking the bait, and hoping that after all these years of relative quiet on the subject of his sleeping with a relative, that this brief flare of Farrow will fade away.

I did cover the Farrow-Allen court case, as a photographer, for a few days. There was quite a difference in how they arrived at court. Woody's limo pulled up at the front, and he walked the long, long gauntlet up the steps, somewhat shy and clearly in a state of nervous chagrin, but not hiding. No, he wasn't even wearing one of his idiotic hats. Mia? Her limo pulled into the side entrance of the court building, and she had a statue-like beauty to her, and a statue-like calm. You couldn't tell what was on her mind from her neutral expression...which didn't have much chance to change as she sauntered quickly by.

How nice, to read juicy gossip about people 50 and over, who actually contributed to the world despite their human failings, as opposed to the steady diet of shit about pop stars, rap morons and drug-abusing sports figures. What a small favor, to see a name from the past (when was the last time you saw a Mia Farrow movie) and a familiar current face (Woody actually does get photographed going to parties and events...probably dragged out by Soon-Yi). Woody sightings in NYC are not uncommon, most certainly in Central Park or within a 10 block radius of his apartment. But sightings of Woody alone...not so common. He does tend to be with Soon-Yi, the woman he's been married to for quite a while. That's either love...or the need of a bodyguard with a lot more punching power than he has.

SYRIA .... and now a comment from JOHN MCENROE

SYRIAsly...

Haven't we learned by now?

How about when we liberated Libya only to get our embassy attacked?

That wasn't so long ago.

Whatever crazy dictator we don't like, and we want to overthrow...is going to be replaced by ANOTHER CRAZY DICTATOR.

If the rebels are in control, we don't like rebels, and we take them out and put in a "stable" leader. Who is worse.

In Syria, we already know that the rebels can be just as bloodthirsty as Ass-hole Assad.

We are dealing with a part of the world where the sun beats down on EVERYONE'S head, BOILING THEIR BRAINS.

They are all NUTS.

There you are. From the "paper of record."

My advice?

Be like John McEnroe.

WATCH THE U.S. OPEN.

As for Syria...keep your eyes and mouth CLOSED. It's a NO WIN SITUATION. The Syrians will hate us whatever we do. They hate us NOW!

PS, while the Syrians on both sides manage to kill people in nasty and barbaric ways...Barry Obama...would it kill you to build a few windmills? Take the money you were going to spend on bombs and build solar panels? YOU can NOT BEAT SYRIA!

Do they make a bra for the FACE?

You remember Leathers? She chopped off Anthony Weiner's political hopes by racing to the media with her tale of heartbreak. Boo hoo, all the dirty sexting...she thought it was love.

When it turned out she was just a phone sex tart with a tawdry past, she grinned for the cameras and announced she'd be selling streaming sex videos on line

People looked. People shrugged. The sex biz does require a good body and some actual talent.

She's still working on the good body:

Implants? That's pretty basic.

Leather-face, from the neck up, you still need some work.

AS GOOD AS IT GETS

"WHAT IF THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS?"

Never ask that question. It can always get worse.