It goes by its appropriate initials: EW. As in Ewwwwwwwwww. You're supposed to read it to find out which awful TV shows, streaming TV shows, hack novels, sappy comic book hero movies and dumb video games you should waste time watching.
And CELEBRITIES. Oh those celebrities. Who can't get enough of "hunks" with stubble on, or dimwit starlets with no stubble anywhere and the wardrobe malfunctions to prove it?
The staff, from the editor on down, seem to be James Corden-types...campy, "flamboyant," and fawning over anything and everything celebrities do or doo-doo.
Since the Millennials and mouth-breathers who read this have low attention spans, they run GIANT pictures and not much text.
One of their wasted pages each issue is for "Sound Bites," culled from the witless movies and TV shows the staff has giggle and drooled over. But shouldn't sound bites have...BITE?
In their "Best of 2017" issue, the YEAR'S BEST quotes included:
"Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me."
You can't wait to quote that to your friends, right? Diana Rigg said that, as a character in "Game of Thrones." Oh. That makes all the difference in the world. Doesn't it? Another gem: "He's a friend from work." Yes, that's one of the YEAR'S BEST. See, Thor said it about Hulk in "Thor: Ragnarok." Oh. Ha. Once you know the context, the quote's wit just drips from it like goo in a Dunkin' donut.
Can you imagine Diana Rigg's reaction if a fan came up to her and breathlessly quoted, "Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me." She might very well ask, "What on Earth are you talking about?" And "Brush up your Shakespeare, instead."
Another of the YEAR'S BEST quotes according to Ewwwwww was Bette Midler. What did she say? She said "Shut that crap off!" It was in response to "play-off" music during her apparently long-winded acceptance speech for the needless revival of "Hello Dolly." Did I say needless? James Corden wouldn't. But he's flamboyant. I'm not.
"Shut the crap off!" To paraphrase Groucho after Edgar Kennedy said "Beat it" to him -- "I wish I'd said that. Everyone's repeating it around the club."
I know a bit about quotes worth quoting, as I've compiled several celebrity quote books for Doubleday, Crown and other companies including "Comedy Quote Dictionary" and "Who'd Say That."
Here's an old quote: "If you have to explain it, it's not worth explaining." It's obviously not something said among the simpering simmering staff at Ewwwwwww. Dumbing down magazines is just another reason why people aren't buying them much anymore. It's why "Entertainment Weekly" sneaks those "full year for a dollar" subscription offers. After all, saying, "we get a million hits on our website" could be said of a cat throwing up on YouTube.
Just so you know I'm not kidding about these unfunny and unprofound quotes, here are some of the recent toothless "Sound Bites" pages in Ewwwwwwwww.
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