I hear him in my head when I'm at a memorabilia convention filled with jerks calling attention to themselves in costumes. When I'm in a store and the people looking at the stuff I'm looking at, look like mutants. When I go to an event and most of the people are behaving in some rude, campy, snotty, effete, inane and dronish way that makes me wonder WHY they LIKE what I LIKE. AND...drum roll...when I make the mistake of joining a "FACEBOOK FAN GROUP."
The idea is to meet easy-going like-minded people, but instead, there are way too many examples of pond scum, psycho piranha and stinky goggle-eyed fish heads, ALL determined to take everyone's attention away from the subject of the group, and put it ON THEMSELVES.
The "moderators" of these groups never curb the enthusiasm of the idiots. The moderators are egomaniacs who wants as many members as possible, (often in the hopes of getting noticed by the target of their devotion). The mods have sympathy if not profound respect for maniacs even more devoted than they are. Soon the loonies are running the asylum, over-posting every day. Such as...
The nasal-voiced clod who flogs a weekly podcast where he drones about topics everyone already knows about.
The dickwipe re-chewing fatty blobs of stale facts via his fabulous BLOG ("and please put some money in my Paypal TIP JAR, so I can buy more things on eBay and show them to you!").
The pretentious Nazi with the daily reminder that that he is writing a book on some obscure area of fan interest and people should check out his KICKSTARTER campaign and donate "as much as you can as often as you can."
The "REAL" fans in the group feel a need to outdo each other in posting photos, especially "Here's ME with THE LIVING LEGEND at NerdCon 2013, and DripCon 2014, and WankerCon 2015, and CouchPotatoCon 2016, and IncontinentDroolerCon 2017...and I've got my tickets for next year, and that Cruise to Cancun where everyone aboard gets a free funny hat and a bottle of Dramamine."
No fan group is complete without a bunch of unsightly, dementedly grinning, porcine-or-gaunt creatures proud to be posing (paying $50 each) with THE LIVING LEGEND or every band member or cast member or, hey, the dead star's grandson or the last surviving stagehand from the classic movie.
A typical Hop Frog lives in a dream world, like a basement or "play room" festooned with POSTERS on the wall, junk on display tables, and Hop Frog crouching in the middle of this swamp of knick-knacks and bric-a-brac giving a satisfied burp
These "REAL" fans pollute the Facebook posts with photos of their latest eBay acquisitions, their immaculate (still in shrink) DVD collections, their shelves of books about their beloved icon, or their fabulous display cabinet of "action figures" like THIS:
That's impressive isn't it? To another ADULT who buys TOYS.
And yet, there will be some supporters giving a "LIKE" and an admiring, "Woo hoo, what a collection!" After all, the important thing is to encourage devotion to Jesus. No, not Jesus. Moses? No, not Moses. Lovable violence-loving Allah? No, not even HIM. Devotion to..."Game of Thrones" or "Harry Potter" or some past-their-prime progrock band of the 60's or Laurel & Hardy or the art of R. Crumb or the joy of "The Brady Bunch." You name it. "Which is YOUR favorite episode of The Monkees and why?"
Facebook entices people to join these GROUPS. Sort of like Scientologists or Hare Krishnas accosting you on the sidewalk: "Over here...you'll LIKE this...you're INTERESTED, aren't you?"
Usually within a week or two of joining the group, you have to SNOOZE the group or just LOSE the group, and find yourself thinking of what William Shatner once said about Trekkies (yes, they hate being called that, so I'll call them that):
"GET A LIFE, will you people? I mean, for crying out loud, it's just a TV show! I mean, look at you, look at the way you're dressed! You've turned an enjoyable little job, that I did as a lark for a few years, into a COLOSSAL WASTE OF TIME! I mean, how old are you people? What have you done with yourselves? There's a whole world out there! When I was your age, I didn't watch television! I LIVED! So... move out of your parent's basements! And get your own apartments and GROW THE HELL UP! I mean, it's just a TV show dammit, IT'S JUST A TV SHOW!"
Or a movie. A warning sign is when someone boasts of seeing "2001 A Space Odyssey" 500 times. Or every episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" 10 times each. Or says they have TWO sets of memorabilia, one to play with, and the other SEALED.
Look, I do know something about TRIVIA, since I've written books on pop culture. I like to think that my books answered obvious questions, entertained, pointed out why the subject was worth any attention at all, and did NOT go into grotesque and obsessive detail beyond reasonable interest. Professionals know the line. Take IMDB, which gives you all the FACTS you want on movies, and is run by professionals and doesn't get neurotic.
I found the Shatner lines NOT on some moron's blog, but on a professional site devoted to "Saturday Night Live" scripts (reprinting them with the writer credits. Did you know this infamous "Star Trek" sketch was co-written by Bob Odenkirk and Judd Apatow?) There's a big difference between professionals and fanboys, and between a museum and a basement full of crap somebody bought on eBay.
PS, to the sad, sad, SAD, SAD, REALLY PATHETIC D-listers who joined FACEBOOK thinking they were going to network, get thousands of fans to buy their 8x10's and somehow get somewhere by showing they are still alive...it hasn't worked has it? All you've got are some sad, sad, SAD, SAD, REALLY PATHETIC fanboys trying to get you to notice them. Which is proof that you are all nowhere except in the limbo of misplaced ego, and the purgatory of being a clue on Trivial Pursuit. Keep those "nice" comments coming. Ah, look at all the lonely people...
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