No, this pun ain't in the Uxbridge English Dictionary

As I recall it, Uxbridge scholar Barry Cryer defined "jubilant" as a happy insect.

Harlan Ellison: "If you put your hand in my pocket, you'll drag back six inches of bloody stump"

One of the more colorful and cantankerous authors out there, Harlan Ellison is really out there...he's swooped the planet, at 84.

You can find plenty of obits on the guy, which touch on his literal fights with other authors, his breast-groping and microphone sucking (both at a 2006 Hugo Awards dinner) and his simple habit of hurling insults. On Warners film exec Robert Shapiro: "he has the intellectual and cranial capacity of an artichoke."

Is there anyone who hasn't enjoyed SOMETHING written by Harlan Ellison? The sci-fi geeks would point to about a thousand short stories, but his short story anthologies include such esoterica as "Love Ain't Nothing But Sex Misspelled," "Sex Gang" (that one under a pseudonym, Paul Merchant) and "Angry Candy." You can bet every Harlan addict has those and colorful collections titled: "I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream," "Gentleman Junkie," "Approaching Oblivion" and "Stalking the Nightmare."

For television, Harlan wrote several Outer Limits scripts (notably "Soldier") three scripts for "The Twilight Zone" revival series in the 80s, and an episode of Star Trek "The City on the Edge of Forever." Among others. He didn't just write sci-fi TV screenplays. He wrote four episodes for Gene Barry's classy and classic "Burke's Law" series, including a witchy delight, "Who Killed Purity Mather," which actually had a good twist to it.

I regret not getting to know Ellison. I'm not a HUGE sci-fi fan but I did write to Ray Bradbury, Richard Matheson and Isaac Asimov. My father had a story in "Fantasy and Science Fiction Magazine," and I've written some wacky stories for magazines that have involved UFO's, women turning into cats, and some of the other standard silliness. One early story, published in HUSTLER, took place in the future when Star Trek type "transporters" were now common in airports. Why take a plane when you can just "transform" and turn up a minute later 3,000 miles away? Naturally things did NOT turn out well for our heroine. It was HUSTLER, after all. Hey, Robert Silverberg wrote some fine adult stuff as Don Elliott...why, I was so proud of THIS one I didn't use an alias.

Married five times (the last one lasted 20 years), Harlan was at home in courts. He was noted for filing lawsuits and usually winning. Winning BIG. He claimed several hit movies were stolen from his short stories or TV scripts and his take was often in six figures. He sued CBS Paramount AND the Writers Guild of America for his share of merchandising from his "Star Trek" script. Yes, he sued the Writers Guild of America, because so-called writer guilds and unions are run by sappy sloths who count the union dues and shrug about complaints.

Harlan may be one of the few independent and angry writers to file against an INTERNET FASCIST and win.

The Internet's blogworld, forums and torrents are noted for "fans" copying off everyone's writings. Sometimes it's the mistaken belief doing so is "Freedom of Speech" or protected because it's "for review purposes." Too many authors, including pudgy lumps George R.R. Martin and E.L. James let this go. NOT HARLAN ELLISON.

Harlan was NOT amused when some asshole in the newsgroup "alt.binaries.e-book" gave away a bunch of his stories. He filed the usual DMCA complaints, but apparently he was ignored OR the jerks "re-upped," as nobody "spoils the fun" for self-entitled twits. "This isn't Russia, it's FREE SPEECH" they'll shout. OR, they'll shout, "Thanks to a server in Croatia that ignores DMCA requests, we can do as we please! Thank you Putin!!"

Publishers, film studios and organizations such as the RIAA are very selective in IF they even bother sending in takedowns. Publishers will usually shrug and say, "The book is copyrighted in YOUR name, so YOU deal with it." I once mentioned to R.L. Stine that he should file DMCA's on eBAY to prevent maggots from offering his ENTIRE "Goosebumps" collection via $1.99 download. You know, the PRINCIPLE of thing. Because the more people get free, the less they buy, which hurts ALL authors, book companies and libraries. His response was, "I think that's the publisher's job, no?"

I know from my own plagiarism lawsuits (which I've won, not having to share anything with the lazy publishers), the best thing for your lawyer to do is get as MANY PEOPLE INVOLVED AS POSSIBLE. Not just the uploader or the plagiarist pest, but EVERYONE who has profited by his illegal antics. Harlan named the uploader AND filed against AOL and RemarQ, the latter being the host of the newsgroup. A settlement was reached with all three infringing parties. Harlan has stated he's gone after over 200 parasites, ranging from well-meaning deluded fans who think he needs their "publicity help," to slimy creeps who post and then whine, "click my Paypal TIP JAR and give me a donation so I can keep supplying you with goodies." Quoth Harlan: "If you put your hand in my pocket, you'll drag back six inches of bloody stump."

Summer in New York

In England they're complaining about a heatwave...28 Celsius. That's 82 in America. In New York this weekend, it'll be 92, and with the humidity, feel like 100.

The Two-Toed Sloth and the Black Cat

Truth in Advertising...not a lot

Californians.

Make that...THE CALIFORNIANS...

They're proud of their agriculture. It's a big state and Lord, they must have acres and acres of blueberries there. Why, blueberries as far as the eye can see...reflecting the blue of the great California sky.

Not just ordinary blueberries. It's California. These are CALIFORNIA GIANTS.

Yeah, get me some CALIFORNIA GIANTS...

It says TWICE on the label, CALIFORNIA GIANT, INC and CALIFORNIA GIANT BERRY FARMS.

It also says GEORGIA GROWN.

I don't suppose that's Ms. Georgia Grown, the company CEO is it? Nah.

Of course we're all still fond of the Norwegian Blue

Mister Ronald's Neighborhood

It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Don't you enjoy your neighbors?

That's Mighty White of the Washington Post....

THIS is the INTERNET, man, we don't need no STINKIN' PROOFREADERS! I know Michael Jackson turned white, but his FATHER? Really?

Did the Washington Post figure that the photos they Googled of Joseph Jackson couldn't POSSIBLY be of Michael's father? Oh, here's a picture of somebody who died recently, THIS must be Joseph Jackson.... BING has a page where they collect all the top headlines from all the fine, fine, NON-FAKE-NEWS websites....

The "N' Word, The "N' Word, You CAN'T say the "N" Word, NO NO NO NYAA NYAA NYAA

We ALL know what the "N" word is.

And don't you feel ridiculous using the expression "THE N WORD?" Don't you feel like a mommy to a 6 year-old?

NO NO, we mustn't say the "N" word. And we mustn't say the "C" word or the "F" word or the "S" word or, in most cases, the "B" word.

Lenny Bruce and George Carlin would be turning over in their graves. So would Henry Miller and John Lennon.

There are FOUR or maybe FIVE words in the entire English language that you CAN'T SAY? EVER?

Actually, you can say all of them but, and here it gets complicated, IN CONTEXT. An executive at Netflix found this out the hard way. Or should I say the "H" way? At some point somebody might say "HARD" implies an "ERECTION." You just never know with the PC police.

NETFLIX. Now there's an "N" word. The fact is, on NETFLIX, you WILL hear NIGGER, CUNT, FUCK, SHIT and BITCH.

You will hear it because there will be a movie about slavery and bigotry, or there will be a comedian saying CUNT or BITCH, and even a boxing match where an excited trainer or fighter will use FUCK and SHIT. Oh, and perhaps there will be a movie or a TV show where somebody offers to FUCK the SHIT out of some BITCH. Etc. etc. etc.

So what happened? In a room full of ADULTS, in PRIVATE, an employee was going over the ground rules and...OH MY...used the "N' word instead of saying "you know what I mean, the "N" word. Say it to yourselves but DON'T SPEAK IT OUT LOUD!!! It's...the "N" word."

Has there ever been a discussion of the "K" word? KIKE. Is that OK? How about the "W" word: WOP. How about the other "C" word, CHINK. Let's recall that an innocent young ESPN announcer, not familiar with ancient stereotype words, used the old phrase "a chink in his armor" while referring to an Asian basketball player. Totally unintentional. This was a kid who probably never heard Archie Bunker talk about "goin' out for some Chinks" (ie, Chinese food).

The world is so concerned about Black suffering that it forgets about Jewish suffering for 2,000 years? The abuses of the Irish and the Italian who came over to America to be called Micks and Wops? The Japanese who were the Gooks of World War II and the Chinese who were admired because Chink food was tasty, and they did the laundry so quickly? We live in a country where people can say "Jesus Christ!" before any exasperated sentence and it's OK. As is "Fer Chrissake." But, can't even say ALLAH.

A French singer, Veronique Sanson, nearly got herself killed for writing a song titled "Allah." A sympathetic song, but, hey, you "B" word, you are NOT allowed to use the Lord's name when you are not a Muslim. You're lucky you didn't draw Muhammad, you "B" word. The woman was scared for her life, and is probably still wary.

The Netflix guy wasn't saying "the N word" to insult or humiliate, but to instruct, and he very likely felt that since "we're all adults here," it was ok to NOT be COY.

What now? Should we congratulate Netflix on kicking some employee out on his ass and branding him a racist? Someone who, a day earlier, was considered a valued member of the company?

Should we congratulate Netflix, which allowed David Letterman to say FUCK while talking to Howard Stern, to go ballistic on some guy for what he said privately and in context?

Should we assume that Spotify and iTunes will list "Woman is the "N" word of the World" as the title of a John Lennon song or...better yet...BAN it from EVER being played again?

How about libraries: do they take Dick Gregory's book "Nigger" out of circulation? Well, at the moment, the answer is NO, because, as Netflix told the world, it's ok for a BLACK to say "Nigger" but not a white. It's also not okay, as Bill Maher learned, for a white guy to say "Nigga" in a joke context and despite giving a MILLION dollars to Obama's campaign. Oh yes, GRAY areas.

What happened to this Netflix guy...no gray area. No warning. No, "Hey, you were inappropriate and you need to look up our Terms of Service, which we don't even have." It was GET OUT OF HERE. And they weren't too concerned that anyone would consider what they did to be antisemitic. Do we know for SURE that if the guy was a Hindu or a Muslim he would've merely gotten off with a warning?

Common sense would indicate that "intent" should be considered. When Samantha Bee (and then Kathy Griffin) called Ivanka Trump a CUNT...it was, what, CUNT-to-CUNT? Would Netflix say that if a male comedian said it, they'd fire that guy?

Friedland, the Netflix guy, couldn't disguise his disgust and anger when he Tweeted: "Thanks. Rise high, fall fast. All on a couple of words."

Naturally he deleted the Tweet pretty quickly, and a few hours later, replaced it with an attempt to show the next employer, should he have one, that he's really classy and contrite:

“I’m leaving Netflix after seven years. Leaders have to be beyond reproach in the example we set and unfortunately I fell short of that standard when I was insensitive in speaking to my team about words that offend in comedy. I feel awful about the distress this lapse caused to people at a company I love and where I want everyone to feel included and appreciated. I feel honored to have built a brilliant and diverse global team and to have been part of our collective adventure.” He used a lot of "B" words in there: blah, blah and blah.

It's pretty obvious when somebody is being an asshole...like dressing up in blackface for Halloween...or when it's NOT Halloween. You fire the idiot to let everyone know that this is NOT acceptable. You can't demean a race by dressing up as that race. You CAN however, demean a gender by dressing up as that gender. See Ru Paul's Drag Race, or James Corden most any night. Drag is all right. See, you've got to know the GRAY areas, which keep shifting like ominous clouds. Just why a man in drag is not considered as offensive as a white in blackface...who the FUCK knows.

Maybe we need an official RULEBOOK on exactly when it's ok to use the "N" word and the "F" word and "C" and "B" and "S" -- and what exactly we do about Nigga, Wop, Spade, Darkie, Kike, Yid, Chink, Jap, and all the rest. Common sense would be that you don't use ANY word if the intent is to humiliate or harm. There are ways of saying the RIGHT words and hurting people. Ask any Jew who has been asked, with a grim and surly stare, "Are you a JEW?" Polite word, evil inflection.

Samantha Bee and Bill Maher are still on the air. This Netflix guy...it may be a while before he can find another job somewhere, since anyone hiring him will face a bunch of sullen people saying, "He a RACIST...you hire a RACIST...you must be RACIST." Netflix sent the word out that they don't tolerate the "N" word unless you say, wink wink nudge nudge, "THE N WORD." It also sent out the word that any employee anywhere, had better have a lot of savings in case of sudden termination with the intimation, "you'll NEVER work in this town again."

GEORGANN JOHNSON - the "Rich Lady" to the Midnight Cowboy, and mom to "Dr. Quinn"

She was one of those performers you saw over and over…and never knew by name.

In the few obits that have appeared on Georgann Johnson, writers scrambled to find some reason why people might want to read about her. One paper’s headline under her name was “played RICH LADY in ‘Midnight Cowboy.’” Er, yes, famous film. She did, what exactly, and for what, less than a minute?

Another paper listed her main credit as “Playing the Mom to ‘Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.’” Hmmm, anyone remember that show? Anyone own the DVD set on that one? But there you go, the point for many a working actor is WORK. You work. You memorize your lines, show up on time, and you work. And she did. She probably didn’t get a lot of fan mail, but I’m sure she was quite a celebrity in her neighborhood.

She began her career as a songwriter. Her big break was when Peggy Lee sang one of her tunes on the obscure “Songs for Sale” show hosted by Steve Allen. Steve was impressed with her as a personality more than a songwriter, though, and helped her break into TV acting.

She worked with James Dean (“Life Sentence” 1953) and Paul Newman (“Bang the Drum Slowly” 1956) and Tony Randall (she played his wife on several seasons of “Mr. Peepers.”) She worked in a variety of shows still easy to find in re-run and on DVD including “Dr. Kildare” and “The Fugitive.” She also appeared on Broadway in several shows including “Room Service” with Jack Lemmon and “Critic’s Choice” with Henry Fonda.

She co-starred with Jason Robards (scene seen below) in a TV movie, the nuclear holocaust drama “The Day After.” Yes, she could’ve written a book about what it was like to work with all these stars, and what the “golden age” of TV was like…and the blacklist, which prevented her husband Stanley Prager from finding work. Prager died in 1972, and her second marriage was to a Superior Court judge in L.A., Jack Tanner. He died in 2008.

The character actress really didn’t have much to do in “Midnight Cowboy.” Her character didn’t even have a name, just “Rich Lady.” If you thought she was the one who banged Jon Voight and then got upset when he asked her for payment, no, that was Ms. Miles, not Ms. Johnson. Ms. Johnson merely encountered him on the street and thought him ridiculous.

Georgann graduated to mother roles…mother to Sharon Gless in “The Trials of Rosie O’Neil” and mother to Jane Symour on “Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.” She worked on soap operas, and even turned up on “Thirtysomething” “Archie Bunker’s Place” “Three’s Company” and “Seinfeld.” She missed getting to 92…her birthday was August 15, 1926.

WHO STOLE ROSE MARIE'S FUNERAL MONEY? "WHO CARES!"

We've got a ex-nude model FIRST LADY who sashays around in a jacket with "I REALLY DON'T CARE, DO U?" on it.

We've got record companies, book publishers, and film studios noticing how their material is being pirated not just on torrents, but on Google's "Blogspot" blogs and openly on eBay...the money going to Russians, to Sri Lankans, to everybody BUT Americans...and they shrug about it.

The mantra for the other atrocities caused by the parasites of the world, such as FRAUD, is always: "Eh...you're insured, right? Forget about it."

What, "live and let live" and let the bad guys get away with it?

You bet. In fact, in the case of Assange and his pals, who just exposed the identities of ICE employees in America (while avoiding upsetting the Russians or Chinese), hacking is to be admired. As for every day termite activity, well, as long as your house hasn't fallen down, what are you kicking about? As long as you can't really see or taste all the insect parts in your peanut butter, what IS your complaint?

As you know from the number of times your phone rings and a robot-voice telemarketer interrupts what you're doing..."MEH" is the nonsense word of the day. The FCC is overworked. Too much effort to follow the money trail. These spammers and scammers with their e-mail fraud and identity theft...it's just a part of life. MEH MEH MEH. And MEH.

SOMEBODY STOLE over TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS in Rose Marie's funeral money. Is that a surprise?

We accept it. It's part of living in modern times. This is the age where you give your social security to ANYONE and EVERYONE who demands it, and put it on every medical form, government form and bank form. Anyone on the Internet can pay a few dollars and get all your public records. That's a GOOD thing.

Rose Marie's daughter says that she had about $40,000 in a joint account with her mother. This was intended to cover the funeral expenses and other charges in the wake of Rose Marie's death. But somebody had the phone numbers for these two women, and their social security numbers...and quietly cashed a bunch of checks...between $2,000 and $2,500 a pop...getting away with $11,000. A greedier attempt to get $21,000 was rebuffed. But apparently in a routine way, not in, "Hold on, let's trace this, let's have more identification, let's hold this person and call the cops."

According to VARIETY, "Chase bank quickly covered the total damages..." and nobody will investigate "because the money withdrawn amounted to less than $20,000."

To which Rose Marie's daughter said, "It's frustrating because it's quite obvious that this guy's going to basically do it again to somebody else."

MEH. She got her money back, Chase is insured, so let these parasites have their fun. What's it say on that paperweight? "Living well is the best revenge." If you're stressed out by people ripping you off, treat yourself to a slice of organic gluten-free lemon meringue pie, and maybe buy yourself a half hour of relaxing massage. Pay for it by credit card. What could go wrong?"

THE PLIGHT OF THE IMMIGRANT KIDS

Just horrible. All those hungry immigrant kids not getting enough nutritious food...crawling on dirty floors...screaming and crying wondering where their parents went. I will NEVER go into a McDonalds again.

Words a SCHMO at SCHMOOZE won't USE: Cunt, Chink and Shit

Go figure.

Some website almost nobody knows or cares about, writes about an OFFENSIVE comedian, but is AFRAID TO OFFEND.

Lenny Bruce (Jewish) would not see the logic in this.

He died so that some twat at Schmooze can be a schmuck?

PS, some Jews would find SCHMOOZE offensive, because it implies that all Jews use Yiddish constantly, and are VERKLEMPT if they can't drop one of those tacky ugly terms into a conversation over a BAGEL AND A SCHMEAR.

Well, well. Sarah Silverman has nothing better to do than answer the phone when some yenta calls. So let's read, NU?

It seems to me that the point of CENSORSHIP is to protect delicate eyes from a sudden OFFENSIVE BLINDSIDING of filth or racism.

I would appreciate, in that case, if the sanitation department CENSORED dog shit on the sidewalk, which I don't want to see, smell or step in, and allow cops, meter maids and even Con Ed workers to issue tickets to offending dog owners. These dog owners are ASSHOLES. Real FUCKHEADS.

Back to the story. If you're reading about an OFFENSIVE comedian, are you going to REALLY be offended or shocked if the word CUNT turns up? Or SHIT? Or even CHINK?

In SCHMOOZE, you really do have to have a knowledge of Asian racism to even know that C***K is not an attempt to censor COCK but to censor CHINK.

Nice to know Sarah never did apologize to publicity hound provocateur pest Aoki, who smugly followed her all over the place, and even engaged with her on TV at least once, leaving her pretty exasperated. Maybe not as exasperated as reading this SCHMOOZE thing and seeing "SHIT" has been censored. "SHIT" is allowed to be spoken by Conan O'Brien and his guests on TBS. It's also found frequently on the sidewalks even though it's OFFENSIVE.

"S**T" huh. As if we don't know what the real word is? So what IS the point? At this point, we hear the word everywhere, in every movie, on every cable show, and when the microphones pick up what fighters and their trainers say between rounds. Why get coy while writing an article about an offensive comedian not wanting to apologize for her words?

Pearl Williams, an old-time raunch comic in Vegas and Miami, used to say, "Women come in and stare at me, and they say 'She's SO dirty.' If they're so refined, how come they know what I'm talking about?"

And how come they're so stupid? Why DO people come to shows that are advertised as for adult audiences, or feature well known and controversial performers, and are then shocked...SHOCKED...by what they witness?

Silverman, Kinison, Gottfried, going back to Lenny Bruce, all used "bad" words for shock value. Steve Allen, a very conservative and mainstream comedian, even felt that what Lenny was doing was correct and served a purpose, and should not have involved censorship. Just as children will often use a "bad" word and then giggle and wait for a reaction, sometimes comedians do the same thing. This is especially true of Silverman, who often uses the persona of a pottymouth, a girl who just won't stop saying rude things because it's FUN to say rude things, or mention gross stuff and creepy things we all think about.

The message of the article is important; the Internet is loaded with bullies, and the PC crowd of assholes is especially prone to demanding people apologize, or simply GET LOST if it's somebody who is offensive against the wrong group: Fire Al Franken, Fire Samantha Bee, Fire Bill Maher, DON'T Fire Roseanne Barr, etc.

Bernie Taupin could be wrong. Sorry is NOT the hardest word. It's used constantly by unrepentant felons who have to say "I'm sorry" to a judge, in order to to get away with a premeditated crime. Silverman is right; it shouldn't be used to placate a few pricks and pussies.

Lost in Space Revisited

Too bad about the Nepalese neurosurgeon. Can I email a condolence?

You remember newspapers.

The back page had an obituary page. Somebody famous died, and you'd see a picture and read a complete biography.

You knew somebody was IMPORTANT because they got an OBITUARY.

Now that everybody's famous, and there are no more newspapers, just go to the Internet. Every day The Great God Google has a list of famous people who've swooped the planet. Here's Monday's list of FAMOUS people who died:

There's probably another website with fake nudes on every single one of 'em.

Can Samuel L. Jackson say he's wouldn't want to be WHITE?

There will come a time when Samuel L. Jackson's infamous "Snakes on a Plane" movie will be BANNED.

Why? "It's offensive to snake lovers! You're implying there's something WRONG with snakes on a plane."

The PC brigade has decided that Jackson must be anti-gay because of a Tweet he made about Donald Trump and his ass-licking yes-men. Jackson implied that not only are the men around Trump a bunch of ass kissers, they're a bunch of cocksuckers, too.

A word or two about cocksucking. Some WOMEN don't like it. It's not just heterosexual men who wouldn't want to do it. Although some would do it to themselves if they could.

Just as some women would turn down a chance to blow Harvey Weinstein for a film role (or any other homely executive), some men wouldn't blow Donald Trump just to get rich, fame or power. As Seinfeld's catch-phrase goes, "there's nothing wrong with that" (being gay) but it's not for straights. So, to quote Seinfeld's pal Jason Alexander as George Costanza, making a remark about NOT wanting to suck cock..."is that a BAD thing? Should I not have done that??"

Zzzzz. What ARE we debating here? To quote the literary Mr. Samuel L. Jackson: GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP.

Let's turn this around slightly. Gay Pride parades. Gays are saying, in essence, they do NOT want to be straight. They would NOT want to be with the other sex. Does that make them sexist?

How about Black Pride parades. Is it possible that Samuel L. Jackson LIKES BEING BLACK, and if he had the chance, would not WANT to be white? And if he said, "No thanks, I would NOT want to be white," is that some kind of slur?

There are people in Ireland who say quite proudly that they are proud to be Irish and not English. And vice versa. There are Japanese people who are proud of their culture, and don't like to be mistaken for Korean or Chinese.

One of my good friends was gay. He died in that first wave of AIDS, before anyone even knew what it was. He worked, ironically enough, as a men's magazine editor. You might think this is strange (or QUEER) but a lot of heterosexuals would go BONKERS if they had to look at women sucking cock all day, or flashing their boobs and butts. He wasn't the only gay editor of a men's magazine that featured nude women. There were several women editing this type of magazine as well.

One day I was in his office and he asked me to help him pick out some slides for the centerfold. He had thought up a good header for the front cover: "You won't find a prettier vagina." The trouble was, he wasn't sure if the candidate had one. He laid down the chromes on a light table, and said, "Is that a pretty vagina?" And I said, "Yes, it is."

I also remember him quipping, a few months earlier or later, that he was not at all attracted to women and what they had between their legs "looks like an industrial accident."

Was that funny or was that horribly sexist? Perhaps if he said it while Hillary Clinton was running for office, and implying that this meant she couldn't possibly function, yes, that would be sexist. Otherwise, no. Funny or not, it was merely stating his own preference. And he wasn't saying it to a woman to make her feel bad.

Samuel L. Jackson's Tweet was obviously NOT aimed at hurting the feelings of gays. It was stating that guys around Trump would swallow their pride to make him happy. We all know how important SEX is. It would've been a bit ludicrous for Jackson to say, "Well, I bet all those men fawning over Donald Trump went out of their way to buy him a box of chocolates."

Can we say that the PC brigade sometimes gets its knickers in a twist over very little? That most people are happy that Samuel L. Jackson curses as much as he does even if SOME people are offended? (You can check the Internet and find games and sound bytes so you can have fun pressing buttons and hearing a bunch of his rude sentences and individual curse words). Can we suggest that if he made a movie that appealed mostly to a Black audience, that's OK? That it was OK that there was no character in "Snakes on a Plane" to recite a one minute disclaimer in mid-film saying that most snakes are not dangerous and there's no reason to automatically fear them?

We're getting to a point where we can't say or do anything. Most any joke a comedian tells is bound to offend somebody. That's the nature of comedy...it MAKES FUN of things. Billy Joel sang long ago about the "Shades of Gray." There are no rules. We must not look at Laurel and Hardy as an example of laughing at anorexia and fat shaming at the same time.

Without meaning offense, there are straight men who simply would not want to suck another man's cock even if it got them appointed to the Presidential cabinet. Call them homophobic, or call them honest. PS, there are, believe it or not, some gay men who don't like to suck cock either. I recall Tennessee Williams saying as much. "I do it for the partner," he said. He found it a duty more than a pleasure. But who knows, if he refused, a boyfriend would've said, "There, I knew it all along. You're homophobic!"

To which Mr. Williams could've said, "Go the fuck to sleep."

"Hey Sit Down" words that can get you PUNCHED

Did they get what they paid for?

Well, yes. They wanted fight action. Punches thrown. They got it.

I'm talking about people SEATED IN THE AUDIENCE at the comical return match featuring Tyson Fury. Fury, blubbery after a long layoff, facing a tiny opponent (a cruiserweight, really), laughed in the ring and blew kisses and pulled faces. He looked to have a huge height and reach advantage, and was so sure he couldn't be hurt, he turned away to watch the real action...IN THE AUDIENCE.

That's where a bunch of chavs had decided to clot and clog the aisles to get a better view than they had in the cheap seats. It's where idiots, as usual, couldn't SIT and watch something, but had to stand, forcing everybody behind them to stand, too. This is standard rock concert behavior, not just sports event behavior. I recall attending a rock concert where the big goon in front of me turned, and announced, "I like to stand up and dance around, just so you know."

I've been to boxing events and other sports events where, the second ANYTHING interesting happens, people INSTANTLY jump from their seats and stand. Call it a literal knee-JERK reaction.

At the Tyson Fury fight, it was particularly galling for the people who spent...get this...a THOUSAND QUID for choice seating. You'd think that for that kind of money, security would be tight, to prevent people from sneaking into the high priced section. There was security...just NOT A LOT.

These four were in the midst of the melee, with the two brothers getting smacked around when they DARED to say "SIT DOWN" to some hooligans.

Tyson Fury found more action OUTSIDE the ring than inside, and indeed, most everyone roared at the spectacle of a full-fledged brawl that took a minute or two before things settled down.

Unfortunately for the two brothers, not every punch or kick leaves a vivid bruise, and it's very easy to get knocked dizzy from a shot that doesn't cause much of a cut. One brother posed to show the damages. Meh...

Giving credit where it's due, the screencaps above came from a gay website newspaper called The Mirror. I'm assuming it's gay, since the banner makes such a big deal about "Pride." They aren't concerned with fighting climate change or world hunger, or world peace, after all.

It's nice of them to care about two heterosexuals who got flattened.

After the event, and spending A THOUSAND QUID only to get more cuts than Fury's opponent (who simply quit after the fourth round, with no red marks or swelling), one of the Gallaghers contacted the arena management to complain. The response was a tart email:

“Whilst we agree we can’t ascertain how the incident started, the footage (also) shows your partner throwing numerous punches which encouraged other members of the crowd to join in. As Craig was involved with the fight, even if it was only in self-defence, we are unable to comment further.”

Yes, as they may have learned from Fascist Internet giants such as Google and Amazon and Ebay, the best response, if there's any at all, is NO COMMENT. Or, weasel words like, "we will take appropriate action" or "thank you for reaching out to us" or "your patronage is very important to us." And in essence, "dare you to sue us" and "don't expect us to really give a damn."

Long ago, I stopped going to events that were prone to encourage hooligans. The rule on sporting events or rock events is that people paid their money to make noise, let off steam, have no regard for anyone else, and drink enough so that if anyone interferes with their fun THERE WILL BE BLOOD.

Warner Bros "ruins the fun" of Harry Potter infringement - except on EBAY

Aw, aw, boo hiss, you VOLDEMORT!

You wouldn't expect HARRY POTTER fans, who have the I.Q. of 8 year-olds, to understand what COPYRIGHT means, would you? In the 21st Century? When the Internet makes everything FREE? When parasite websites like NEWSER steal and re-write what REAL reporters have written? When people cheer PUTIN and RUSSIA for having piracy download havens beyond the reach of weak DMCA laws? ETC? ETC?

Imagine...Warners doesn't want unauthorized "events" being staged and unauthorized products sold at these events. Why, they might even object if some company manufactures "Harry Potter" Halloween masks and t-shirts because, gasp, Warners wants to maintain quality control and continue to make money off their fluke luck, which helps finance other projects that are riskier.

It's one thing to hold a block party or have a school event...it's another when the big draw is using a copyrighted name to promote it. It's more than just an innocent "fan club" getting together. It's BUSINESS. An amusing line in the article has pouty sulky Pot-heads or whatever they call themselves, running to Mama Rowling for help.

It takes a LOT to get the attention of Rowling or the suits at Warners. They don't nickel and dime. Proof of that can be found on eBay, where the Harry Potter books are routinely being pirated for cheap downloads. Thanks to weak DMCA laws, eBAY is not required to remove these items UNLESS Rowling or her book company send in a complaint. Ebay, pimps that they are, happily take their percentage of the whores.

Let's see how many items are available JUST by typing in "HARRY POTTER" and PDF or EBOOK. Oh, dozens and dozens. ROWLING is going to spend time whining about 99 cent downloads of ALL her books. She could. She could do it for the principle and MORALITY of it. She could do it to help libraries if not her own bank account. She could do it to help all authors, as the more time people spend with pirated books the less they spend on SPENDING MONEY for them legitimately.

It takes major visibility AND a major amount of money to get noticed. That's what happens when 40,000 people attend some bogus "Harry Potter" event where people might charge $10 each just go get in.

And so the people who live in a fantasy world where nobody pays for anything grumble "You ruin our FUN!" and "You Voldemorts!" and "Let's find a way to hack their website and attack them because WE'RE ENTITLED."

Got...GOTTI?

The Gotti movie...got whacked by the critics. What do you expect with freaky metrosexual Scientologist lunatic Travolta THINKING he could be taken seriously as The Dapper Don?

The New York Post's reviewer enjoyed himself...not at the movie, but at the keyboard, tossing out every type of insult:

The finished product belongs in a cement bucket at the bottom of the river...Travolta, who’s made a career out of Italian stereotypes, obviously thought the Dapper Don would be his Don Corleone. It’s his Chef Boy­ardee...It’s the worst mob movie ever, but I see a bright future in midnight showings. “The Gotti Horror Picture Show.”

When I saw the bus shelter posters for "Gotti" I thought...TRAVOLTA? This looks like a disaster.

Travolta? Anyone scared of that dopey-looking jerk? Even fitted with a bad wig, he looks nothing like John Gotti. If you EVER saw John Gotti, you saw evil, and it was scary. I know, because I did. I was walking down a street in Little Italy, and coming toward me was Gotti flanked by two henchmen.

He looked like what James Cagney TRIED to be. There was something instantly smoldering, savage, contemptuous and contemptible about his sneering face. His shark-like black eyes beneath black eyebrows seemed unfocused; an omnivore not really looking at anything in general but ready to seize on and destroy anything that unfortunately distracted him and caught his attention.

My office...the comedy magazine RAVE, was on Prince Street, and there were whispers that Gotti's "office" was nearby.

Not a big guy, Gotti was like a pit bull off the leash. A quiet stroll could instantly lead to mayhem if he snapped his fingers or clenched his jaw. Recognizing him really did give me a moment of very real concern. Like, should I cross the street? Fortunately, the trio disappeared into the unmarked garage-like "social club" he inhabited, mid-block.

Have you ever gone two Fa?

The Tragedy of Eurydice - and the Insanity of Entitlement

The last thing she did was make people laugh. Eurydice Dixon, a budding comedian in Australia, worked some bar or other, and later texted a friend to report that she was almost safely home.

Almost.

She apparently was taking a route through a deserted park, which was something she had done several times without incident. This time, there was an incident. She was raped and murdered. Her body was found perhaps an hour later.

A case a few years earlier involved a violent sex offender who was out on parole. The victim's death sparked outrage that parole could be allowed to someone clearly a menace. Measures were taken to prevent that kind of crime from happening again.

In this case? The kneejerk reaction is dangerously deluded. There was nobody to blame but herself, but in these PC and #metoo times, you can't say that. The police and some elected officials responded to this tragedy by advising women NOT to walk ALONE in the PARK. In fact, NOT to walk ALONE in any suspect area at night.

This sane advice, in this PC and #metoo era, was considered INSULTING. Eurydice Dixon was a joy-giver, a lively comedian with a zest for finding ways to make people forget their troubles. Her death was a senseless tragedy. But "Activist" Pia Cerveri, reported in the same article that announced Dixon's death, announced her sense of entitlement. For herself. For all women. "Take back the park!" Meaning, and I quote, "women should be entitled to walk and feel safe any time of day or night."

REALLY? In a DESERTED PARK?

Let's have some reality here. It may be "appalling" that "a woman" can't walk alone in a park after midnight, but neither can a man. There's such a thing as "bad people." These "bad people" don't give a shit about what is or isn't "appalling." They take advantage of opportunity.

It's reckless and ridiculous to expect safety in a park after dark. What next, Pia Cerveri? Do you think you're entitled to leave your window open at night if you live on a deserted street? That you should leave your key in the ignition of your car? That you should be able to walk anywhere with your wallet in your back pocket or your purse dangling?

Central Park in New York is CLOSED at night. Yes, there are a lot of lights on certain paths, and there's even a police station in the park, but it's still CLOSED. That's because it is not safe for woman, man nor beast. Would it be wise to install bright lights and CCTV cameras so that one person choosing to walk around will be safe? Who do you blame when somebody in a ski mask grabs that person and robs, or drags the victim to a more secluded spot and rapes and murders?

Yes, we'd all like to live carefree lives, but NOBODY, not WOMEN and not MEN can do this. The sense of entitlement in this world is not just ludicrous, it's dangerous. We all must take common, sensible precautions. If Eurydice Dixon had asked a friend to walk with her, or had chosen another route, she'd be alive and laughing.

Her death is a mammoth tragedy. Some of the reactions to it: horrible farce.

That's why they were invented

Wow...Entertainment Weekly has a SPECIAL LGBTQ issue. Aren't they ALL?

Pop the champagne and the poppers. This has to be the most exciting and surprising news since the latest report of a Broadway show featuring drag queens.

ENTERTAINMENT WEAKLY is showing off "THE LARGEST TRANSGENDER CAST EVER" in this wonderful, GAY GAY GAY new issue. LAHHH DE DAAAAAH

Just a little...OVER THE TOP, isn't it?

The editor of ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY is gay. The big stars on TV are GAY and GAY (Jim Parsons and ELLEN) and it's hard to flip the dial and NOT see some gender bender or other...a woman who was a man, a man who was a woman, Caitlyn being annoying, Jeffrey Tambor getting a bit carried away with herself, etc. etc.

"Not that there's anything wrong with that," to quote the infamous "SEINFELD" line.

Wouldn't it be nice to get to the equality of: "There isn't anything RIGHT with that" either?

I know, I know. It will be the Muslims turn soon. It used to be the Jews. "Oh, let's all see FIDDLER ON THE ROOF...oh, that Arthur Miller is clever...let's see what Philip Roth and Herman Wouk and Saul Bellow have written...." Then it became the Blacks. "Oh, let's all see the ALL BLACK VERSION OF THE WIZARD OF OZ...let's read Maya Angelou and Toni Morrison..."ROOTS" is the greatest show ever on TV."

In both cases, there was a lot of condescending creepiness involved. Woody Allen, in his stand-up days, once joked about being "the show Jew at the agency" where he worked. Yes, "hire him, he's Jewish, he has to be smart." And "hire him, he's Black, it will make us look progressive." Others who may have been better at the job, but WASPs, were denied. Which isn't a bad thing. Sometimes "affirmative action" is needed. But after a while...just find the BEST QUALIFIED, ok?"

After the Jews and the Blacks? WOMEN! You probably encountered somebody on election day saying "I'm voting for ALL THE WOMEN!" Damn right. The men made a MESS of this world! Oh those horrible MEN. So VIOLENT and CRUEL unlike female leaders such as Eva Peron and Marie Antoinette and Countess Bathory and the She Wolf of the SS and Margaret Thatcher and Marcos..."

This kind of reverse racism and sexism can only go so far before it becomes obvious and idiotic. Superiority based on religion, race or gender. REALLY? And nobody finds this OFFENSIVE? REALLY?

Surely, there are Jews, Blacks, Women, Gays and yes even WASPs, who have been made uncomfortable by a sanctimonious act of kindness. Let's include the "physically challenged," formerly known as the "handicapped." If you've ever been told "oh, I be you're SMART," because you're a Jew, or "I bet you're good with numbers" because you're Asian, or "I am sure you are empathetic and motherly" because you're female...do you take it as a compliment?

So, ENTERTAINMENT WEAKLY is telling us that a drag queen is sexier than an actual woman, and we should pay attention to some guy because he likes to suck dick rather than eat pussy. Progress? There was a time when people simply went to a Tennessee Williams play or an Edward Albee play because IT WAS A GOOD PLAY. People read "Breakfast at Tiffany's" or "In Cold Blood" because it was a good read, not because the author was effeminate.

"SPECIAL LGBTQ" issue IS offensive. There's no "SPECIAL MUSLIM ISSUES" or "SPECIAL JEW ISSUE." You will NEVER see ENTERTAINMENT WEAKLY put out "SPECIAL FOREIGN LANGUAGE ISSUE," pointing out all the great Bollywood films nobody knows about, or singers such as Mylene Farmer of France who is unknown in America. Why not do something about XENOPHOBIA, huh? Because the editor isn't from India or from France?

The issue has two pages on Shane McAnally (who?) and "how his sexuality hasn't been a barrier to success." Then what IS the point? To keep nattering about GAY in an all GAY issue when it's NOT an issue?

Another two pages is on Wilson Cruz (who?) and how this guy from some "Star Trek" thing or other is "continuing to break barriers" by...what...getting cast in cay shows ("My So-Called Life") and playing "let's make a character GAY" on that "Star Trek" thing? Mixed messages anyone?

Here's another mixed message. There's a page that lists dozens of movie, TV, and book projects that are GAY. In other words, there's no shortage of representation of gays in the arts. Is that a surprise? So why have a SPECIAL issue about all this? To celebrate? When you don't have a SPECIAL issue for some other minority group? When Asians are represented by one dumb sitcom? PS, "The Goldbergs" is not about a Jewish family like the old TV sitcom "The Goldbergs." In fact, even "Seinfeld" was hardly about Jewishness at all. Gosh, he and Larry David just went for being FUNNY? That's allowed?

The issue has a page "How You Can Help LGBTQ causes." Which has nothing to do with ENTERTAINMENT, in its list of LAMBDA LEGAL and the TREVOR PROJECT and other worthy causes.

Did the magazine ever do this with an issue on Jewish entertainers, and how you can "Help" the Jews by joining the Anti-Defamation League or the Weisenthal Center? That Jewish cemeteries are still be defaced, and people are being killed for being Jewish?

But...as mentioned up top, the Jews are OUT and the non-straights of all types are IN.

Did you also notice the familiar Lesbian, Gay, Bi and Trans initials have gotten AVENUE Q added to the route? Why zat?

Why is it LGBT and Q? It's...because some gays LIKE to be called QUEER. "We're Heeeeeeere and we're QUEEEEEER." They taken over the word QUEER. But not the word FAG. Interesting. But then again, we have that shading of NIGGER and NIGGA, which is debatable as well. Somebody decided NO, you have to add a Q, so now, there's a Q. Maybe there will be more. How about KW, in honor of Kenneth Williams? He was the hilarious British comedian who was celibate because he just couldn't bring himself to be gay. Poor guy. Why not honor or acknowledge people like him? If not KW, how about M for Morrissey? In his case, he seems to lean gay, but he's too much in love with himself to do anything about it?

All seriousness aside, it's a little tiresome that WE (that can be anybody) should care about a certain bunch of people because of their race or religion or how they get it on sexually. "Oh, let me watch that sitcom about an ASIAN family." Because they're ASIAN? Wouldn't it make sense to watch a sitcom because the characters are funny? Isn't it ridiculous to have "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" and promote the stereotype that all gays are fashion wizards? What next, "A Jew Teaches You How to be an Accountant?"

Jackson Galaxy has a show that teaches cat owners how to deal with their problem pets. Should he be replaced by a woman because she has a PUSSY? How ridiculous do you want to get?

As gays become more and more mainstream (like, Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow no longer being gay or lesbian novelty items, but treated as what they are, TV journalists), ENTERTAINMENT WEAKLY's editor may put aside the chauvanism and yes, move on to another group. Like MUSLIMS. Yes, the "SPECIAL MUSLIM ISSUE," which will address how some people nobody knows are Muslim are playing roles that aren't Muslim. PLUS a feature on how there should be MORE shows that SHOULD feature Muslim characters that ARE Muslim. As in, "How come the latest Broadway revival of Fiddler on the Roof didn't cast a MUSLIM as Tevye? If Off-Broadway could have a black woman play "Joan of Arc," what is WRONG with the world, where a Muslim can't be a Jew from Anatevka being kicked out of Russia?

PS, in a revival of "Fiddler on the Roof," Tevye was played by Alfred Molina, born in London, of parents who were born in Spain (father) and Italy (mother). Not Muslim, though, so NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Surely an upcoming issue of ENTERTAINMENT WEAKLY will either offer the news of a Muslim Tevye or...an openly gay one...or BOTH.

Let's hope there will be a time when somebody can say "I'm gay" or "I'm bi" or "I'm Lesbian" or "I'm Trans" or "I'm Queer" and add, "don't make an issue out of it." Especially an issue of ENTERTAINMENT WEAKLY.

My scary new magazine with SHEMP HOWARD on the cover

As we say in the publishing world...

"Eeb eeb eeb eeb beeb beeb beeb..."

Yarncraft, Rocket, Rave, and now this...

I hate to break it to the fans, but Putrid Mystery Tales has folded.

It's just too difficult to compete with FREE. As in, "Why don't you put it on a blog and NOT charge anything?" And "You can make money with those banner ads I remove with my ad-zapping app."

The numbskulls on the staff suggested that in every issue, we offer something enticing for free, like a gold watch, or a mint five dollar bill. I said, "Morons, what'll prevent someone from browsing and pulling the item out and putting the magazine back? Newsstand dealers these days may enjoy jihad, but only for religious reasons."

This last remark actually ended publication, as a newsstand dealer overheard the joke, and having no sense of humor, actually demanded that the jihad against Rushdie be transferred to ME.

What can I tell you? Like buttonhooks and good manners, everything disappears over time. Paying for magazines and books is ludicrous in an age when anyone who REALLY REALLY wants that kind of thing can download them off a torrent in Croatia. ("Give thanks to Putin! Copyright is copy WRONG. Freedom of speech!")

Movies. TV shows. Songs. Books. If it can be digitized it can be pirated.

The movie "The Graduate" has never offered more timely advice for young people starting out: "PLASTICS!"

Of course, very soon everyone will have 3D printers...

Stephen Colbert and Samantha Bee: you need..."ASSHOLE"

Stephen Colbert called Rudy Giuliani a "DICK."

Samantha Bee called Ivanka Trump a "CUNT."

Are you laughing?

There isn't much except for a shock giggle when professional comedians indulge in dirty name-calling. The fictional Cyrano de Bergerac would've suggested to both of them, "color your discourse." Do something beyond the ordinary, and try and be witty.

Samantha Bee got far more headlines and indignation for calling the President's daughter a CUNT than Colbert did for calling the President's lawyer (and one time "America's Mayor" and 9/11 hero) a DICK.

Essentially, both words are the same: the most popular slang terms for genitalia.

What's the answer, asshole? Er, what's the answer: ASSHOLE!

EVERYONE has an asshole. Unlike "ass," which could mean a donkey, "asshole" is VERY specific, but it applies EQUALLY to men and women. And everybody loathes an asshole.

Women will tell you that the cunt is a noble and remarkable part of their body. It can expand to produce a baby. It gives LIFE. It also gives pleasure. Men, if they are sensitive, would admit that a kick in the groin is horrible, and the very thought of circumcision of penises produces the willies. (Yes, pun intended).

Why be juvenile and act like you don't appreciate your dick or cunt, or somebody else's?

The asshole? Not so much. Unless you've got hemorrhoids, you're not likely to think of your asshole too much, and if you do, it's likely to be a sigh of annoyance that everything has to stop for a visit to the toilet. In normal day to day sniffing, it's far more likely to be offended by the asshole than the dick or cunt.

SO? The answer is to use the universal ASSHOLE. Call Giuliani an asshole. Call Ivanka an asshole. Avoid SEXISM. Give it a try. What the fuck.

A chef's suicide note

A few years ago, a chef killed himself with poison. His suicide note was: "one ounce strychnine, one ounce cyanide, one ounce turmeric and a pinch of salt."

Samantha Bee "CUNT" vs Stephen Colbert "DICK"

Here's the happy couple:

Over the past few days, one of them has been smiling a LITTLE more, because ONE of them is not being accused of using a DIRTY SLANG WORD against somebody famous.

Last night (June 7th), Stephen Colbert ran a few clips of Rudy Giuliani dismissing Stormy Daniels as just a porn star with no credibility. In her defense, Colbert said that Stormy might be a porn star, but Rudy Giuliani was just a "DICK."

ABC did not censor "DICK," and rightly, nobody seemed to bothered by this man-on-man insult. And it's late night TV when the kiddies are sleeping. A guy can call another guy a "DICK." What's the big deal?

The same day, Samantha Bee was once again in the news for returning to her late night show and once again apologizing for using a DIRTY SLANG WORD against somebody famous.

She added that she had used the word "CUNT" many times on her show, and not just to get a cheap laugh. She did it to "reclaim" the word, the same way, oh, gays reclaimed "queer" and proudly shout "We're here and we're QUEER."

Her network, WTBS, which also airs "CONAN," never censored the word "CUNT," any more than they censor Conan O'Brien when he says "SHIT."

But when Samantha Bee called Ivanka Trump a "feckless cunt" the shit hit the fan. Twitter exploded. There were calls for her to be fired. In other words, you can say "CUNT" on TV all you want, but not if you say it about somebody famous.

There seems to be a double standard here. "DICK" is a slang word. "CUNT" is a slang word. They both have been used, uncensored, on cable TV and in R-rated movies. But somehow, in this PC environment, "CUNT" is...dirtier?

"DICK" and "CUNT" go together.

If we believe in equality, then insulting a man (Rudy Giuliani) with a genital term and insulting a woman (Ivanka Trump) with a genital term, should not be treated differently.

Should Colbert be a target of outrage for saying "DICK?" No. And neither should Bee for using the "C-Word."

We're splitting pubic hairs? There's a difference between the most popular slang word for penis and the most popular slang word for vagina??

The situation of Colbert getting a pass while Bee gets everyone pissed, is truly FUCKED UP.

FUCK, by the way, has always been censored on both CBS late night talk shows and TBS late night talk shows.

MAKIN' WHOOPI...look bad. What next, UFO sightings?

"Fake News."

We hear it all the time. Thanks to Photoshop, people also believe what they THINK they see.

The Trump fans who cheer whenever The Donald dismissed a fact as "Fake News," were screaming and hollering about Whoopi Goldberg wearing a shirt advocating Trump's assassination:

Looks REAL doesn't it?

As REAL as photos of the Loch Ness monster, or Sasquatch disappearing into the woods, or all those shots of "things" that just HAVE to be REAL UFO pictures?

Sometimes, one needs to blow up a picture and study it a while to see that it's a fake. That's a very good Photoshop job on Whoopi but...it IS a Photoshop job. Here's what she actually was wearing:

Yes, I was face to face with Donald Trump

All of the celebrity photos on the cover of my book WHO'D SAY THAT...

....were taken by me.

It was basically saving the publisher some money, but it was also my tribute, in some cases, to people who I enjoyed meeting.

Every picture tells a story, don't it?

Maybe, but I don't have a story for every picture. Sometimes it was a thrill to get a celebrity's photo...maybe in the same way Richard Attenborough was glad to train his camera on an elusive dingo or a mating capybara.

I remember Sinatra, at a Friars roast, briskly walking through and not wanting to bother with a photo op before getting behind the closed doors of the dais. Likewise, Howard Stern was at a David Letterman party and I was only there because my friend Brother Theodore didn't want to go and gave me his invitation. No way could I ask him to pose, or to do more than grab a quick unobtrusive shot.

I worked for several photo agencies and that accounts for the picture of Donald Trump. This was before he was a reality show star. I was covering a banquet, and was told to make sure to get some pictures of him because financial magazines and newspapers might be interested.

Although I was a bit nervous, the image that brings me the the happiest feeling is the one of John Cleese, taken in his hotel room. Oddly enough, I was an assigned photographer on that one; it wasn't an interview for my comedy magazine RAVE. Fortunately the interviewer did a nice job and when it was my turn to get a few shots, John was up for anything!

Hmmm, a tough nickname for a fighter...call me..."MEATBALL"

Yes, the nickname "MEATBALL" MOLLY MCCANN is eye-catching.

But Molly's UFC opponent choked her, squeezimg the meatball till she was unconscious:

Fortunately for Liverpool's Molly, getting submitted by "rear naked choke" means you simply drift off to sleep. It's a lot better than being pinned to the canvas and having your face turned red-raw via "ground and pound" abuse. Yes, that's the term for the (legal) act of smacking somebody while they're down...with fists AND elbows.

Meatball may bounce back from this, her first loss. It would be a shame to lose someone with such a tasty nickname.

But if she's rendered unconscious too often, she'll be called Meatloaf.

Back when I was editing ROCKET, I interviewed Meatloaf. I asked him how much he regretted the nickname. He admitted that he was a bit tired of "Pleased to MEAT you." I wondered if the staid New York Times actually called him Meatloaf, or preferred Mr. Loaf.

But I digress.

Eric Esche was simply known as "BUTTERBEAN." About 300 pounds, bald, and looking very much like a butterbean, he rarely lost...until he faced top level opposition in 10 round fights.

Formidable nicknames can help terrorize an opponent. Who wants to face: "Boom Boom" Mancini, "Bonecrusher" Smith (no relation), "Hitman" Hearns, "Lights Out" Toney, "The Beast" Mugabe, Mike "The Body Snatcher" McCallum, Carl "The Truth" Williams, etc. However, Meatball Molly is not alone among dubiously named athletes.

Carmen Basilio was "The Upstate Onion Farmer" and James Braddock "The Cinderella Man," for his fairytale comeback. And among other not-too-threatening nicknames:

Pernell "Sweet Pea" Whitaker
"Shake and Bake" Bean
Humberto "Crafty Little Fox" Soto
Henry "Sugar Poo" Buchanan
Chris "P" Bacon
Darnell "Ding A Ling Man" Wilson
Jarrell "Big Baby" Miller
Floyd "Money" Mayweather
Owen "What the Heck" Beck
Jerry "Wimpy" Halstead
Bruce "The Mouse" Strauss
Tony "The Punching Postman" Thornton
"Winky" Wright
"Boo Boo" Andrade
"Boogaloo" Watts
"The Problem" Broner
Willie "The Worm" Monroe

"WHY DID YOU RESIGN?" "For doing NUMBER TWO...NUMBER TWO..."

Oh, the media LOVES a good poop story. ALL the puns ooze out. At the NY POST, which is always so full of shit, one of the writers relieved himself of just about every crappy joke possible. See it below.

Call this Aussie guy NUMBER TWO. Now ask him, WHY were you crapping all over the place?

He probably couldn't explain, which is why, after he resigned his job, the old boy got some sympathy from his employer. They made a bowel...er...VOW...to "help him" in any way possible.

Quoth his ex employer:

“Aveo Group is distressed and disappointed at the alleged incidents concerning Mr. Macintosh. He has tendered his resignation to the company today and is no longer an employee of Aveo Group. Aveo will continue to extend its support to Mr. Macintosh for help that he may require.”

Any help he may require. Therapy or a cork.

Samantha Bee Bee-atch -- Instead of CUNT how about...

Unlike the other TBS talk show host, Conan O'Brien, Samantha Bee doesn't seem to be required to work five nights a week. Once a week is enough for a lady.

Finally she was back with a new show, and she took some time to yet again explain and APOLOGIZE for calling a feckless cunt a feckless cunt. After all, if it's the President's daughter. You know, the one who was doing a publicity photo with a child while Daddy ignores kids who are in poverty, need better education, can use proper health care, and in some cases should not be kicked out America on a technicality.

It turns out, that Lady Samantha's tiger growl, which has dissolved into pussy apologies, was all because...get this...she was trying to "reclaim" the word CUNT.

She says she uses CUNT a lot, apparently for the same reason comedians Richard Pryor and Paul Mooney used NIGGER a lot. To show that the word has no power, and to get a cheap laugh.

By this logic, black female comedians should be strutting around talking about their Nigger Cunts. Only, is that funny?

Let's continue this after the reality break (where the actual quotes are displayed).

In the world of "performance art" I recall one woman who repeated the word CUNT about 40 times in the course of two screechy minutes. She started timorously. "Cuh-cuh...cuh...cuh..." and then courageously came up with "CUNT," which she then squealed, howled, and roared. She had reclaimed "CUNT." For herself and the 6 or 7 people in the audience who now had a headache and crumbles of ear wax tumbling down into their laps.

Of course, we must understand. Some people are more entitled to want words banished than others. Nobody is DEMANDING that the Cleveland Indians change their name. Native Americans are NOT from India, which is where Columbus thought he'd landed. They are proudly Native American. But they're getting nowhere with both the Cleveland Indians name, and the Washington Redskins name. Do they reclaim it and call themselves REDSKINS? Or do they just go about their business, and ignore the word?

You may remember Judge Joseph Wapner, who was replaced by an irritating loud and rude female named "Judge Judy" (shouldn't women want to have the dignity of using a LAST name?). Wapner told many an indignant, self-entitled defendant, "words are not a battery. You don't attack somebody for saying words. You walk away."

Fact is, if said with just the right amount of contempt, the "correct" word can be offensive. Ask any JEW.

Men of course, being a horrible majority (in terms of power; there are actually more women on the planet than men) don't give a fuck, or a shit, if you call 'em PRICKS. Or DICKHEADS. Because they're insensitive? Or because they know they can say the word right back, or something else. Meaning, if a woman is called a CUNT because she's acting CUNTY, she can say, "Well, you're a PRICK." Even?

Taking back "cunt" or "nigger" by saying it over and over again doesn't make much sense. These words will remain offensive to many, and the people who routinely refer to a woman or a Black with that term, are too ignorant and/or hostile to ever change. They have mother issues perhaps (don't point out "cunt" also refers to "your mother," as they probably have her pieces in the cellar). They might make exceptions (if a Black guy hits a home run for their team, then he's ok. If he's make a chef at Waffle House, fine, he knows his place.)

Then we have odd situations like "cunt" being an insult to men as well as women in England. Over there, ANYONE can be called a cunt. A cunt, in slang, is a "fanny." And rather than "fanny," the slang word for ass in England is "Boris Johnson."

Some Black people (who used to be African-American or Afro-American or Negro, or Colored People, which is now ok if it's "people of color") decided it would be real cool to simply change NIGGER to NIGGA.

[Blacks also changed BITCH to "Beee-atch." A lot of newspapers now say "the B-word" because some women don't like BITCH, even though "female dog" is in the dictionary.]

A lot of Blacks don't appreciate either word. They also don't appreciate it the euphemism "the N word" since we all know what it is, and bringing it up is just as annoying.

HOWEVER, this could be a solution. If NIGGER can become NIGGA, then CUNT can become...CUND.

That's right. CUND. Let's not go all TWAT about this. Let's get CLOSE ENOUGH. CUND.

Instead of "reclaiming" CUNT (as if the CUNT was in the lost baggage department of the airport) be inventive, Lady Samantha. Glide like a tiger over to...CUND.

Don't wear a pussy hat. Wear a tiger hat, with CUND on it. Then maybe YOU can reclaim Elton John's "Lady Samantha" song and say it's about you.

Lastly, let's acknowledge that comedy is about timing, and so are BAD WORDS. Black comedian Larry Wilmore greeted President Obama with a happy, "You DID it, MY NIGGA." Obama claimed that he wasn't offended.

Samantha Bee's use of CUNT is on her own show. You know what you're getting when you tune in Samantha Bee, just as you knew what you were getting when you paid your ticket for Lenny Bruce or Sam Kinison. It's not like she said CUNT during the Emmy Awards telecast.

I've mentioned this before, but it's worth repeating. I once asked Steve Allen if there was any topic that was off-limits. If there was anything, as Poe wrote, "of which no jest can be made." Steve said, "No, you can make a joke about anything. The question is whether you should." Comedians, and people in general, should know enough to keep a foot out of the mouth. They should have some inner restraint and common sense. They should be confident, and NOT have to hang their heads and mutter, "I went too far."

This is especially true of comedians who are being paid very well for going too far. Tony Hendra's book was titled "Going too Far" for a reason. Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, "Dice" Clay, Sam Kinison, Joan Rivers and even David Letterman, were urged to be EDGIER. They all ended up in trouble for it or apologizing for it, or both. This, in the "land of the free," where people fight censorship.

In other words, something that appeared in SCREW or might appear in HUSTLER belongs there, and shouldn't be compared to something that appears in LADIES HOME JOURNAL. A dirty word that appears on Samantha Bee's show belongs there, while rightly should not be on the Nightly News.

Should anyone be allowed to shout "FIRE" in a crowded movie theater? Assuming they can be heard above the crunch of popcorn and the blabber of people on cell phones and the wisecracks people shout at the screen?

Should Samantha Bee shout "CUNT" in a crowded movie theater and would that be as bad?

Gays reclaimed QUEER. They're HERE and they're QUEER.

But in this case, there IS a compromise available.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you CUND.