"ALL LIVES MATTER" Protests have "ALL" DETERGENT Changing their Name

"We give up, we give in, we were founded by white people, and we are very, very, sorry! I am personally ashamed of my heritage, and I have no pride in being white. I'm so glad there's no White Pride parade because I'd rather break my own legs than march in one!"

So said "I. M. Wimpy" CEO for the Detergent Division of one of the big corporations that owns at least 20% of the products sold in America, from candy bars to soap, and including every brand of bottled spring water, all marketed under different names.

After Walmart stopped selling "ALL LIVES MATTER" t-shirts, the ripple effect of guilt and fear came to this Detergent Division, where, anticipating riots, looting and a lot of sulking, they quickly realized the RIGHT THING TO DO.

"We will no longer be making ALL, as it is an insensitive word that might offend all the sensitive people who are looting stores in their own neighborhoods and putting their friends and neighbors out of work. Likewise, the word is going to enrage people who have nothing better to do, thanks to the lockdown, than to use their masks to conveniently walk around undetected until they find a likely target for defacing a statue, knocking an old lady to the ground, or just starting a good old fashioned fire."

"Our new product will be re-named Y'ALL."

"It will no longer be available in a white bottle."

"As most of you know from spending all your time on Twitter, and taking it seriously, Y'ALL is the favorite word among people of color who aren't Pakistani or Native American or Asian or some other race like that, who don't really matter."

"Y'ALL, as you know, is a proud, proud term used by drawling illiterates in DIXIE. Although it was originally used by SLAVE OWNERS and REDNECKS, nobody of color seems to object to it in the least. Yowzah!"

"By the way, yowzah can be found on Twitter almost as often as reaction memes of Judge Judy. It can even be found as often as reaction memes of a number of black male comedians popping their eyes like Mantan Moreland once did. The reaction meme, in case you don't know, is an illiterate's way of describing emotion: "This is ME when I first heard that KrispyKreme was out of sprinkles for da jelly donuts this morning."

"Since revisionist history is very selective, somebody seems to have revised it in the case of YOWZAH, so that nobody knows or cares that it was a term SLAVE OWNERS popularized. They were laughing at the way their slaves said YES SIR. It came out YOWZAH. Ha ha. Sho' nuf. Now, once again, we at the Detergent Division are doing our best."

"We also want to assure everyone that on every bottle of our product, we advise AGAINST mixing the whites with the coloreds. As we've seen by the irrational amount of complaints aimed at bottles of syrup and boxes of rice, there's NO WAY that co-existing is possible. One group has to feel it dominates the other. And in our case, we gladly put on our kinte scarves, drop to a knee, and say DON'T HURT US! Peace in our time can only be reached by violence on every street corner, and we accept that. Y'ALL."