Tuesday, February 2, 2016


Furious at the Kit-Kat company, British Millennial SAIMA AHMAD declared, "I'm MAD!" Although she may have just said "Ahmad."

Newspapers and world leaders are worried this chocolate crisis could lead to a meltdown.

Some fear this law student, a "self-entitled Muslim Millennial," is not joking or seeking publicity, but is starting a serious attack on Western ways.

They fear she has been radicalized by England's notorious blind cleric who has a fork for a hand. An ex-Jew now fanatically devoted to Islam and living inside a holy building, Imam Mosque-witz declares: "Holy Moses and Allah-Kazam! I didn't migrate to Great Britain just to fit in and wear a bowler hat and talk about the latest episode of "Coronation Street." Kit-Kat must be neutered!"

When pressed for a reason, the Imam said, "Candy is not serious food, like lamb. It's frivolous. Was Kit-Kat around when Muhammad walked the Earth? No. Then it should not be around now. The only exception might be the Yorkie Bar. After all, the label says "not for girls." They have the right idea."

The more bad publicity the Kit-Kat company gets, the more likely a reprisal. The head of the company was ambushed and had a quart of frozen dessert dumped on his head by a radical member of ICES.

Prepared for trouble, the Joyva factory, announced it has enforcers to guard them. Few mobs have dared to cross their notorious "Jell Ring."

"We feel fairly safe," said a Joyva spokesman. "Can we all just live in pieces? Pieces of halvah? How about we send the Imam some of our halvah? Ms. Ahmad, too."

Asked if halvah, made from crushed seseme seeds, would be all right, the Imam stabbed his fork into the table, raised the table and shouted, "You are trying to confuse me! I call on Saima Ahmad to set the record straight!"

Ahmad, wearing a burqa that looked suspiciously like a huge Hershey Bar wrapper, declared, "I still would rather have a LIFETIME's supply of Kit-Kat bars. That's my lifetime, not the lifetime of some Jewish store keeper in Paris. I'll say this: halvah is ok if you cover it with nougat."

The Imam was astonished. He thought Ahmad was radicalized, but she was only caramelized.

"This is worse than a cartoon of Muhammad," said the Imam. "I am contacting my friends Jihadi Mounds, Jihadi Almond Joy and the M&M twins (Mahmoud and Yourmoud) and their father (Badmoud). I hope they will create converts: convert candy factories to pita bread bakeries and date plantations. Arab food is good for you. Candy is bad for you. My Slogan: "Feel awful or falafel!"

Prime Minister David Camoron declared, "I am hopeful there will be a peaceful end to this crisis. I want to reason with Ms. Ahmad. Aside from a YEAR'S SUPPLY of free candy bars, I'll throw in free tickets to every Zayne Malik concert and every Amir Khan fight. We love Muslims in Great Britain. Absolutely adore them. I don't go anywhere without a pocketful of hummus."

Cadbury, already anticipating problems in the future, has announced, "In deference to the sensitivity of Muslims, we will NO LONGER make Cadbury chocolate Easter Eggs. We will however make Ramadan Marzipan. Is that ok? Please don't hurt us!"

Saima Ahmad said: "I didn't mean to BLOW this out of proportion," she grinned as several people winced. "All I was complaining about was I didn't get my wafer."

It was then that the Imam knocked her down with one punch. (Thoughtfully, he used his real hand, not the one that has the fork at the end). He shouted, "Wafer? You didn't get your WAFER? Waddya think this is, Communion??"

Sunday, January 17, 2016


"They're not going to make a Monkee out of me," David Jones joked. The Brit from Brixton was referring to Davy Jones, popular lead singer.

And so the budding superstar and spaceman thought about a new last name.

One of his favorite movies was "The Alamo." He thought about how he could create a new image, and wear an exciting new outfit if he was...

His manager said, "Hold that thought. "The Alamo" was a good picture, but the Yanks lost to Santa-Anna. Everybody was killed, including Bowie, Crockett and Travis. Is there another old movie or vintage star that has influenced you?

David Jones thought about it. He imagined...

His manager scoffed: "Too Ian Whitcomb, my dear. Try again. Think about a movie star you'd LOVE to emulate!"

David thought about it.

"Maybe you could get away with that in a few years, but not NOW," the manager said.

David Jones went back to his original idea of copping a name from "The Alamo" movie.


No, there already was a David Crockett, wasn't there?


And so it was. Really. Not so much because of Jim Bowie but the actor who played him: the thin, sandy-haired but often psychopathic Richard Widmark.

Widmark...angular, cruel, sexy...and he sure did cut it as Jim Bowie.

And that's pretty much how David Jones became David Bowie.

Give or take a Photoshop or two. Or three.

"David Bowie!" If he'd just named himself afer the film, he could've been "David Alamo." He could've chosen another movie from that era and become "David Psycho."

Or "David Exodus?" Hmmm, too Jewish.

Over the years, David Bowie would make himself over into other identities, like Ziggy Stardust, Aladdin Sane, and The Thin White Duke. Not to mention Anthony Newley.

Upon his death, various unlikely stars, from Madonna to Marilyn Manson instantly drew the spotlight to themselves by declaring, "If it wasn't for David Bowie, I wouldn't be here."

Sad, isn't it? They should be honest and name themselves Madonna Bowie and Marilyn Manson Bowie. And let everyone know the name goes back to Jim Bowie...so that those two might be overrun by angry Mexican soldiers and put out of our misery.

Thursday, January 14, 2016


Funny, when I saw the latest CHARLIE HEBDO cartoon, I didn't think it was funny.

But I did think it showed guts. I did think it was in the Lenny Bruce tradition.

Lenny joked that Bobby Franks might've been "snotty." (He was the little boy kidnapped and killed by Leopold and Loeb; the joke being told many decades after the event).

Charlie Hebdo figured a Syrian kid who drowned while trying to migrate to Europe, might've grown up to be, if not a gang-rapist, an ass-grabber.

"Sick Humor" as a term, was popularized by Time Magazine in putting down Lenny Bruce, Shelley Berman and other new-wave comedians. In the piece, Time referred to Berman's acne-scarred face as resembling "a hastily sculpted meatball." But hey, that's not sick humor. That's factual reporting.

Handsome Lenny Bruce was simply attacked as some kind of fiend, a charge also tossed at Harvey Kurtzman (editor of the comic book version of Mad, which was published by the same "horrible" publisher who was corrupting children with "Tales from the Crypt" comics...which led to the demand for a censorship "code.")

So what's the problem here? That a Charlie Hebdo cartoonist dares suggest that, like so many refugees who actually emigrated to loot, rob and rape, that Syrian kid might've grown up to be an ass-grabber? How about the natural-born kids in England, France, Germany, America and elsewhere who had hard-working immigrant parents but chose to rebel and join ISIS?

It seems to me that there's no difference between Lenny's delibrately blunt gag about Bobby Franks as this cartoon about a kid who drowned. PS, we're talking about known provocateurs. The cartoon wasn't in The New Yorker and the comedian isn't Bob Newhart.

What's hilarious is The New York Post using the term "sick."

Rupert Murdoch's paper regularly gives us photos of mutilated faces and worse, naked pictures of Kardashian's fat ass.

Rupert's paper still pats itself on the back for that "headless body found in topless bar" headline. Nyuk nyuk! How hilarious, finding humor in somebody getting killed. But that wasn't "sick" humor.

Or was it?

Comedy is often a Realist's way of saying "wise up." It's a slap at sentimentality.

Steve Allen noted this formula "tragedy + time = comedy." I spoke to him often about such matters, and also to other comics. Joey Adams once told me time can be shortened simply by "devastating" the right target.

Groucho could insult the dowager Margaret Dumont. The Three Stooges could throw a watermelon at a cop. Laurel could poke Hardy in the eye. If they deserve it THE TIME IS NOW! If they don't (think about Carson's legendary "too soon?" grimace when a Lincoln joke bombed) all the time in the world can't help.

So maybe the world's a better place without Bobby Franks or that Syrian kid who was part of a mob that included terrorists and criminals trying to catch a boat to a land full of patsies?

That's cruel comedy, but it's also remarking on the human condition. Do you think Lenny walked around kicking kids? He raised one, you know. You think the Hebdo cartoonist heckles anyone in a burqa and refuses to watch an old movie if Omar Sharif is in it?

Outraged "Tweets" (a comical image itself) have declared the cartoon sick (could be), offensive (could be) and racist (probably not). These "Tweets" have not acknowledged that, like a lot of definitely sick and racist humor, it serves as a safety valve for people frustrated and angry and needing some kind of essentially harmless release.

Few people hammer a friend in the head, or poke a friend in the eye. But the impulse is purged by seeing Moe do it to Curly.

Lenny Bruce, on Steve Allen's show, once listed words that offended him. One was "segregation."

What offends ME, is pompous jerks who think they earn points by bitching about a Charlie Hebdo cartoon. What else do you idiots do? You print out your Tweet and show it to the Muslim cab driver? "Hey, look what I said on Twitter. I defended you!" Right. As long as he's driving a cab and not marrying your sister.

The Charlie Hebdo office, which was once bombed into charcoal by Muslim terrorists, dares to be impudent?

Charlie Hebdo's editorial team should've held a meeting about this.

What? Some of them aren't around because Muslim terrorists shot them down?

Right now, some self-righteous kneejerk assholes are Tweeting about how "sick" and awful the Charlie Hebdo cartoon is.

They are also casting a blind eye to the problem that led to the cartoon, which is ingrate immigrants and psychotic religious fanatics.

One of the few comedians in the Lenny Bruce tradition, Bill Maher, continues to insist that the only religion producing terrorists on a world scale is ISLAM.

Oooh, sick guy.

What, the 9/11 squad were Muslim? How about what happened after that? 7/7 when dozens of British innocents got their heads blown off and their faces burned because of a Muslim attack? Spain, anyone? Nigeria? Paris? San Bernardino?

Why what a coincidence, that the only true racism in the world is from organized Muslim terrorists. FUNNY, isn't it?

The only other terrorism I can think of is from the savage drug cartels, but if you are a corrupt official in Mexico, you could be Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Buddhist or Druid and get nothing but a pat on the back and a Cuban cigar. If you oppose them, you could be the most pious Catholic, and still get killed. They even kill women. Gosh. Women, who as we all know, should be treated properly, and be veiled and not allowed to vote or drive a car.

Where was I?

Oh, right. The latest Charlie Hebdo controversy. Jeez, what a shock. An outrageous cartoon in Charlie Hebdo. Who'd a thunk? That's like Howard Stern using a bad word on the radio. Wow. Let's all get on our hind legs and write a letter in the Times about it. Or better yet...TWEET.

Meanwhile, people are getting blown up and terrorized all over the world. And, yes, innocent women in Germany are being assaulted on the street by immigrants, and a French magazine gave a little jab to the ribs about it. Did it make me laugh? No. It made me nod slightly that they had a point. Headlines about gang-rape don't make me laugh either, and if there's a point to why gang-rape should be tolerated in Germany, in India, or anywhere, because of sexist psychotic beliefs or religious beliefs...I am not laughing.

Monday, November 23, 2015

An Obit for Adele Mailer

Adele Mailer just died...yes, the hot-blooded Latina that Norman Mailer stabbed in the stomach.

He said it was the ONE thing he regretted. He sort of forgot that he lobbied to let a lunatic named Jack Abbott out of jail. Jack instantly murdered an innocent waiter during some kind of psychotic murderous rage in a restaurant. He was promptly shipped back to jail.

But back to Adele.

Edited down a bit, the rest of the story:

On the verge of announcing his improbable candidacy for mayor of New York, Mailer decided to celebrate with a party at their apartment on the Upper West Side on Nov. 19, 1960. The guest list was unusual. Since the author thought of his natural constituency as the disenfranchised, he invited several strangers off the street.

At the same time, he instructed his friend George Plimpton to summon the city’s power elite, handing him a list that included the police and fire commissioners, the banker David Rockefeller and the Aga Khan. None of them came, but the party could still be described as glittering, with attendees that included Allen Ginsberg and the editor Norman Podhoretz. They got into a fight and had to be separated. Drunk and belligerent, Mailer, wearing a ruffled matador shirt, repeatedly tangled with his guests. Around 4 a.m., he confronted his wife in an incoherent rage.

In her memoir, Mrs. Mailer recalled having taunted her husband, bluntly deriding his manhood, and making an ugly reference to his mistress. Some guests recalled that the point of no return came when she told her husband that he was not as good as Dostoyevsky.

Mailer stabbed her in the stomach and back with a penknife.

Mailer was charged with felonious assault and committed to Bellevue Hospital for psychiatric observation.

“In my opinion Norman Mailer is having an acute paranoid breakdown with delusional thinking and is both homicidal and suicidal,” Dr. Conrad Rosenberg, the doctor who first treated Mrs. Mailer, wrote in a medical report to the judge.

In court, Norman Mailer argued, “Naturally I have been a little upset, but I have never been out of my mental faculties. “It is important for me not to be sent to a mental hospital, because my work in the future will be considered that of a disordered mind,” he added. “My pride is that I can explore areas of experience that other men are afraid of. I insist I am sane.”

The judge disagreed. Mailer was released from Bellevue after 17 days and in November 1961, after pleading guilty to a reduced charge of third-degree assault, received a suspended sentence. The couple divorced the next year. Speaking to The New York Times Magazine in 1979, Mailer said, “A decade’s anger made me do it. After that, I felt better.” In a documentary shown on PBS in 2000 as part of the series “American Masters,” he took a more remorseful tone. “It changed everything in my life,” he said. “It is the one act I can look back on and regret for the rest of my life.”

Adele Carolyn Morales was born on June 12, 1925, in Brooklyn.After graduating from Washington Irving High School in Manhattan, Ms. Morales moved to a cold-water flat in Manhattan and earned a living making papier-mâché models for department store windows. She studied literature at the New School for Social Research and threw herself into downtown cultural life, having a romance with Jack Kerouac. Later she met Mailer: "He quoted a beautiful line from Scott Fitzgerald — I wish I could remember it exactly — something about adventure and getting up and going out into the night, and that did it.”

After the divorce, Mrs. Mailer, who had studied at the Actors Studio, appeared in several Off Broadway productions, including Mailer’s theatrical adaptation of his novel “The Deer Park” in 1967 and his 1970 film “Maidstone.” After their two daughters went to college, payments from her ex-husband were reduced sharply, and she lived precariously in a rent-stabilized one-bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side. Norman Mailer died in 2007.

On a walk around her neighborhood in 2007 Mrs. Mailer said, “This is Norman Mailer’s wife. It’s riches to rags, honey.”

Since she survived the penknife attack, enjoyed her fame, and got not only money but occasional acting jobs through Norman, then it all worked out ok. Sort of. I must add that I always felt Mailer was a sympathetic figure...a true bull in a china shop. As Dick Cavett among others would attest, Mailer often made a fool of himself at the same time he was trying to make a valid point, or resurrect the Hemingway-esque persona of the writer. I met him once at his brownstone in Brooklyn, very briefly. It was, nevertheless, an astonishing moment, seeing a true icon of writing. I saw him from the top of the stairs and that made meeting him seem even more like a pilgrimage.

Another time I saw him laboring through Barnes & Noble, on double crutches, to give a lecture on "the spooky art," as he called creative writing.

Once I sent him a press photo of himself with Capote and someone else at a party, adding some kind of note about his inspiration. In return, he most unexpectedly sent me an 8x11 self-portrait he had drawn. And a fearsome self-appraisal it was.

So goodbye Adele, blood-colorful footnote that you are. That incident helped make Norman Mailer one of the most notorious writers of the age. Too bad there are almost none left. Who is there? Jolly fat George R.R. Martin? If you're talking about literary geniuis, "writer as celebrity" or "author as STAR," the last of the line, following his exact opposites, Truman Capote and Gore Vidal, was Norman Mailer.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Hoff Hassles Some Publicity

For one day, the peculiar "celebrity" known as David Hasselhoff told the world he'd be "the artist formerly known as David Hasselhoff."

He was calling himself DAVID HOFF.

The next day, it was revealed that this was "a joke."

A dumb publicity move.

What next David, showing off a "baby bump?" Or maybe "rocking a gown" like Caitlyn?

Well, we should've expected poor judgment from a guy whose eaten cheeseburgers off the floor in a drunken stupor, and spent years boiling over like a pot of beans on "America's Got Talent."

Isn't this also the guy who had a show where nobody watched him and only tuned in to stare at silicone? Or a talking car? I didn't watch either of those but dummies did; the ones who fell for his less than amusing hoax. Or was it a spoof.

Check your e-mails for Hasselhoff asking you to send all your money to Nigeria.

His gag made as much sense as the times on "America's Got Talent" when he'd see somebody juggle chainsaws and bawl, "This is what the show's all about!"

No wonder he got into some verbal fights with Piers Morgan. In fact it was pretty much David's bonehead opinions that encouraged Morgan to be coldly contrary. At some points it seemed like staged pro wrestling, with Hasselhoff getting red in the face and leaving the judges table in a rage.

David knew all along that his fame is now so limited, that any marquee showing "David Hoff" on it, would likely get a wrecking ball hitting it.

Maybe they laughed in Germany. "Germans love David Hasselhoff" Norm MacDonald loved to say.

He probably did contemplate just calling himself DAVID, like one-word stars Cher and Prince. Except the one word most associated with him now is "Who?"

One day he might throw a massive temper tantrum and be billed simply as "ID."

Friday, June 19, 2015

Top 10 Better New First Names for BLANKET (Michael Jackson's son)

Blanket Jackson changed his name to Bigi, because he didn't want kids to tease him about having a stupid name.

There are so many reasons to tease this kid, no matter what name.

He's also picked a confusing name. Did the kid who stole away half The Beatles catalog try to steal The BeeGees?

Or is Bigi pronounced more like Biggie, as in the old King Leonard cartoon foe, Biggie Rat? He does have an Itchy Brother.

Here are Ten alternatives for the Son of Freakenstein. It's still not too late, Blanket-Bigi.

10. Linus

9. Comforter

8. Yankit

7. Beach Blanket Bingo

6. Dad Beat It To Make Me

5. Guess-My-Gender

4. Realnose

3. Inheritor

2. Tamla

1. Bankit