Friday, February 17, 2017

Feb 17th WHITING OUT THE NEWS!

I've BLACKED out the news, censoring it with BLACK BARS.

This has led to criticism from Kanye West, Jay-Z, Beyonce and others, that I only BLACKEN the news. I can understand how sensitive everyone is to these issues. So...using affirmative action, I've tried to achieve a balance by WHITENING the news.

Below, examples of how the news headlines might look if dabbed with WITE-OUT, or if the black ink, which DOES MATTER, ran out (in protest) and didn't print every word.

PS: I offer no guarantee that the humor below will not be offensive to somebody for some reason or other.

I will also take under consideration a phone call from "The Illiterate Theorists Society" (TITS) who have suggested I abandon the blog entirely, in sympathy for those who don't know how to read.

If you see no further entries, it's because they got my attention. Those affiliated with TITS can do that quite easily with me.

Hey, Associated Press, how...OLD...is...JERRY LEWIS??

It's sad that what's left of the working press has become as slipshod and ridiculous as Gawker, Decidr, Huffity-Puffity Post, Buzz Fart and the rest.

Associated Press, which is where the others get and re-write their "news," reported on an investigation into the Friars Club.

The article did NOT offer much of a clue on what was going on or who was involved.

The Friars Club hasn't been too relevant since Henny Youngman and Milton Berle passed on. Most of the members are accountants, dentists, landlords, and other schmucks who want to pretend they're in show biz. So they invest in a deli, get first row tickets to shows, and lox around the Friars Club waiting to glimpse Gilbert Gottfried.

What possible star-crime could be involved here?

Surveillance cameras caught Jeff Ross emptying handfuls of potato salad into his pockets?

There was NO quote from any celebrity, just a line from the human Blobfish, John Cats-on-my-Titties, real estate creep and Gristedes owner. Most any editor would've said, "Hold off till we find out MORE."

Then, in explaining what the hell the Friars Club is (and for the past 20 years, it's just a place where rich Blobfish can sit around drinking and pretending they're in show biz), AP mentioned the 95th Birthday party for Jerry Lewis.

As of this writing, Jerry is 90.

PS, see if you can tell which one is the landlord who actually ran for Mayor of NYC (Conservative, Republican), and which one is the Blobfish (Green Party).

Thursday, February 16, 2017

ARSENE WON'T RETURN AT ARSENAL

WHAT??

ARSENE WON'T RETURN AT ARSENAL?

ARSENE WON'T RETURN AT ARSENAL????

You mean...HE'S BEEN MADE...REDUNDANT????

Feb 16th Immigrants Walk while I White

Today's big news, is that some businesses run by immigrants have closed for the day. Immigrants students have decided to take the day off. Huh? It's all in protest against Trump's policies, which so far have not been upheld in court. He's a President, not a King. Still, it's a nice gesture to remind people that just because a few immigrants have blown up the World Trade Center, destroyed the Boston Marathon, and shot up discos and a health care center in San Bernardino, that's no reason to bar EVERY oddball sauntering in from some very specific countries. The idea after all, is that we need more immigrants, since they do things most of us don't do. Like blow up the World Trade Center, destroy the Boston Marathon, shoot up discos and a health care center in San Bernardino. I keed, I keed. Bravo to some businesses that have closed for the day, to show the world how level-headed and reliable immigrant workers are. I wonder if that includes all the Halal trucks in NYC that are parked ON THE SIDEWALK. Funny, for years, hot dog vendors, fruit cart people, all the Jewish kosher pushcarts...were required to STAY IN THE GUTTER and NOT invade the sidewalk. Now? Halal vendors have intimidated quite a few vendors by arriving early and squatting, and taking the prime places with threats of violence. The Halal vendors have bigger trucks to sell their sizzling lamb kebobs and other nicely butchered livestock, and they naturally have decided to take over half the sidewalk to call attention to themselves. NOBODY is telling them to recede and stay where they belong. At the risk of seeming so very UN-PC, I believe that the news is better WHITED OUT. Pretend the ink cartridge is suddenly OUT OF BLACK INK AGAIN and needs to be replaced (do you own an HP printer?? Then you don't have to pretend.)

Today's Illustrated Political News

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

The Daily Mail says Nick Cannon is, what, suffering from TWO diseases?

You expect more from The Daily Fail. You get it.

Here's two repetitive sentences in a row in an article on turban-model and tattoo practice dummy Nick Cannon.

It's a sad situation, when somebody has Lupus.

It's also a sad situation when a newspaper has no proofreaders or literacy.

The article was about Nick walking away from his hosting job (which mostly involves bugging out his eyes at all the crazy contestants) on "America's Got Talent." The ex-husband of Mariah Carey (as he's most often billed) was annoyed at NBC for finding fault with his stand-up act.

Nick was using the word "nigger" quite often, which NBC may have considered inappropriate for one of their employees.

It's possible Cannon was tired of doing the show (it's a tiresome show, period) and needed an excuse to walk away. It's also possible NBC was tired of him doing the show, and seized on his lousy stand-up act as an excuse to pressure him.

Either way, the "race card" was played. Only it was hardly the first time Cannon played it.

Anyone remember when he put on WHITEFACE, and called himself "Whiteguy Smallpenis" or whatever it was?

Wait, let's look that up. It was only a few years ago:

Ah. There we are. See, it's ok when blacks do WHITEFACE. The Wayans Brothers made it a big laugh for an entire unfunny movie.

Nick's excuse would be that there were minstrel shows nearly 100 years ago, so it's important to get even, and have some affirmative action. Or something.

Meanwhile, only a month or so ago, Paris Jackson (very white) became enraged because a British satire show had a brief sketch that featured a parody of Michael Jackson. Jackson, who spent his last years looking VERY white, and being laughed at for it by comedians both black and white, was played by a white guy. This was because no black guy could look the way Jackson looked!

Double standard? What a surprise. Nick Cannon defended his use of whiteface because...he's Nick Cannon, yo. Mr. Hilarious.

NBC and AGT do everything they can to be so, SO politically correct. Ever hear of Ray Jessel? In 2014, this little old man (who resembled Arte Johnson's "Tyrone" character from "Laugh-In") offered up a harmless novelty tune for his audition, "The Penis Song" was a comical kvetch about going out with a woman...who turns out to be a man. And, ha ha, the woman has a bigger penis, too.

What happened after the schmuck sang this silly song? The audience roared. The panelists screamed with laughter. Everyone was delighted to "discover" this songwriter who'd been kicking around for 50 years. BUT...suddenly Ray Jessel was OFF the show. NBC decided he was OUT. Yes, even though he had been advanced, and would obviously sing ANOTHER song for his next appearance, they destroyed the dream of this old man. Ray died a few years later.

None of the judges on AGT has had a word to say about Nick Cannon, for or against.

They probably are bored, and don't care one way or the other. NBC has every reason to be concerned about how one of their stars is being perceived, and currently, Cannon is being perceived as an annoying, unfunny 3rd rate Richard Pryor with a turban fetish. His interruptions and bug-eyed faces and tiresome hosting questions don't enhance AGT very much. Mostly he's on remote control. After most every contestant performs, Nick stands close by, and says the same thing to the first judge called on: "Talk..."

There's no variation: "Howie, what did you think of..." "Simon, what's your opinion..." It's just a bored, "Howie, talk to her." Or "Simon, talk to him."

It's time "AGT" and Nick parted company. In fact, it wouldn't be a great loss if AGT was canceled and Cannon retired.

And "Draining the Snake" takes on a new meaning

Submitted for your disapproval, without comment, from The Twilight Zone. AKA, ROMFORD.

OK, the "Related Stories" sidebar was added. However, I wouldn't dream of taking credit for re-working that old pun.

PS, I'm sure ROMFORD is a fine, fine place to live. It beats Hull, doesn't it?

And any town NEAR Hull??

I quote from the late great Humphrey Lyttelton, who hosted an episode of "Sorry I Haven't A Clue" from Hull:

"The Mighty Humber Suspension Bridge was opened by the Queen in 1981. Linking Willoughby with Barton-Upon-Humber, the structure was at that time the longest and most expensive single span concrete supported bridge in the world, that connected two places nobody wants to go to."