Effeminate pudge James Corden uses Oscar Flub as an excuse to Dress in Drag

Late night' embarrassment to men, James Corden, is also an embarrassment to women.

If anybody thinks about it, "drag" is an unflattering depiction of women, and should be considered at the same level as "blackface," a parody of Blacks. Or, "yellow face," where a guy like Jerry Lewis puts on weird skin-tones, adds buck teeth and gets his eyes taped down to a slant.

It's one thing for the giddy fat boy to play his silly "car karaoke" games. Effeminacy is bad enough as some kind of twisted statement on masculinity. But you can argue that Corden can't help it. He reached puberty and started that affectation of talking in italics, mincing about, and getting tubby because he wished he was Hattie Jacques.

Now, it seems he has to be ridiculous in "drag."

He'll tell you that he's only making fun of himself, a Broadway-obsessed effeminate man who happens to be married, and can't be the woman he wants to be or go hang with gay men as he seems to delight in doing.

A more honest female impersonator would be Jimmy Fallon, who intentionally insults women when he dresses up as an inarticulate, foolish Millennial chick.

Corden in drag, drag being a way of insulting women for being women, and being a self-parody for not being able to be one...either way, it ain't funny.

OH SAY, KANYE SEE? No, COPYRIGHT is COPY WRONG, YO

We all know the Millennial chant:

COPYRIGHT IS COPY WRONG.

Let's follow the lead of Trump's pal PUTIN, and insist anything YOU create I CAN TAKE.

It's for the good of humanity. It's equality. It's FAIR.

As for the poor oppressed NIGGAS of HIP HOP. Let 'em "SAMPLE" what they please, YO.

"It's ALL Good."

"It's ALL Good" is the hip new version of the rather tongue-in-cheek and decadent, "All is permitted."

Sure, there's no question Kanye used somebody else's music. But he didn't STEAL anything. He was SHARING.

And Dayummmm, why should a guy as rich as Kanye SHARE the profits? After all, if it wasn't for Kanye, nobody would've heard those great 85 seconds!

Playing the "Copyright is Copy Wrong" game isn't restricted to a selfish asshole like Kanye.

Let's add corporate weasels like Jeff Bezos (Amazon), Devin Wenig (Ebay) and the charmers of Google.

They thrive on ignoring copyright, and making it difficult for rights owners to get justice.

On eBay, somebody can boldly duplicate photos of celebrities, put pdf-mobi-kindle-epub versions of Stephen Hawking or J.K. Rowing novels on a DVD, or chop the heads of stars and add porn bodies...and it's perfectly fine.

It's up to the "intellectual property rights" owners, or copyright or trademark owners, to complain. Guess what. The sellers don't have to return their ill-gotten profits, and they aren't even suspended.

In fact, somebody who has been caught Photoshopping porn images on the heads of a HALF DOZEN stars, is allowed to keep doing it to another 200, because eBay figures, "Just because a few complained, it doesn't mean the rest of his stuff is illegal. And no, we are JUST A VENUE, so we won't ask him for ANY LICENSING AGREEMENTS."

That's the state of copyright.

The more the Millennials are used to getting everything FREE (torrents, blogs, forums) the more common it becomes.

The more "artists" like Kanye "sample" or outright steal from other artists, the easier it is to shrug, "But everybody does it. It's cool."

Jimmy Webb didn't even get a Grammy nomination off a Kanye West theft. Jimmy wasn't even asking for money! Like any sad, pathetic artist these days, all he wanted was a "credit." He didn't get it.

Jimmy Webb is from another era, man. "Up up and away" referred to a balloon. Today, it refers to your copyright, intellectual property and royalties.

Rolling Stone - Liz Phair to Emma Stone - A STAR IS PORN

Interesting.

It's still ok to photograph a female rock star or an actress in a sexual pose.

Even if Liz Phair is not particularly known for her sexuality...have her crouch like she's about to perform a sex act.

Even if Emma Stone's nominated for an Oscar, and for a movie musical of all things...pose her in a nearly see-through nightie, with one strap hanging off her shoulder.

That's ROLLING STONE. Really. ROLLING STONE.

Here, with the same very tired headline, "A STAR IS BORN," are the cover shots of Liz Phair and Emma Stone.

What's going on?

It's possible that women are simply no longer on the radar of "Politically Correct."

If you noticed the Academy Awards the other night, the big deal was BLACK BLACK BLACK BLACK BLACK.

And GAY GAY GAY GAY TRANSGENDER.

The important thing was not counting the number of women nominated in categories such as best screenwriter, best sound engineer or best director, but to check on the number of BLACKS nominated for acting. Oooh, they dominated in the "Best Supporting Actress" category. That's a start. BLACKS won two of the four top acting prizes. That's a start. Not great, but a start.

There was the usual hoo-ha about GAYS (including a huge kerfuffle because obscure transgender actress Alexis Arquette wasn't mentioned in the "In Memorium" segment. Robert Vaughn wasn't either, but he wasn't GAY GAY GAY GAY or TRANSGENDER.

The winning speeches and the various presenter blabs were all very keen on mentioning "DIVERSITY."

But that only applies to BLACKS and GAYS and TRANSGENDERS at the moment. Everyone else? Oh, they've had their day. Everything is fine.

Jewish tombstones were knocked over in two different cities in the past week. That's ok. Jews have been persecuted for 2000 years. Nothing new there. Besides, Israel doesn't deserve to exist. Give it to the Palestinians.

The Washington Redskins are STILL called the Washington Redskins? Get over it! The Native Americans have been persecuted for the past 200 years. Nothing new. Trump's signed a bill to drag a gooey oil-spewing pipeline through Native American ground. So?

Asians? They're doing all right. Latinos? "The Wall" hasn't been built yet. Muslims? Shhhh, don't mention The Muslims! And women...

Women...well, they stood around marching in PUSSY HATS after Trump got elected. They now "own" the word PUSSY. Case closed. You know, they can wear PUSSY HATS the same way gay writers can call themselves QUEER and rappers can call themselves Niggas. Call yourself the bad word, or a variation thereof, and you're good to go. Go where?

To the cover of Rolling Stone in a fuck-me pose, in the two examples above.

That's progress in the 21st Century.

From the Ronald L. Smith Hallmark Card Collection

Just another quiet night in England

I got a few bars of Fa soap. I said to the store manager, "Which cash register line do I use to pay for them?"

I think he said "Fa Queue."

Warren Beatty Gets the Prize Card

NICOLE KIDMAN at the OSCARS

Thanks, Nicky!

Typo-filled MEDIA smirk at Oscar Mistake

Gosh, ha ha ha, a MISTAKE at the Academy Awards! Ha ha ha! HOW could that happen?

Here's the London Daily Mail (i.e., the LONDON DAILY FAIL) with their front page report.

Yes, very clever, "How We FAKED (not FUCKED) Up."

So what's your excuse for FAKING UP two lines in your one paragraph story:

"It has since emerged that there duplicates of each envelope..."

and "...which saw Emma Stone with for La La Land..."

Isn't it "there ARE duplicates for each envelope" and "Emma Stone WIN for La La Land?"

OHHHHH, the BLUNDERS! THE BLUNDERS!

The Daily Fail managed to load up with run-on sentences, and use a redundancy ("In a heart STOPPING moment....the producers of La La Land were STOPPED...")

It turns out that there are two sets of envelopes. To guard against the awkward problem of a star entering from the "wrong side" of the stage, there's a PriceWaterhouse employee on each side. To get this plum assignment, the employee has to be very smart and trustworthy.

The mistake, a first in 86 years, was that the meat-faced psychology major and businessman who lives in a 2 million dollar Malibu home made the error, stage right. Since his female partner (stage left) had handed the "Best Actress" envelope, HE still had his. He was busy Tweeting pictures and forgot to put away his "Best Actress" (La La Land) envelope and go on to "Best Picture." He instead handed the "Best Actress" envelope to Warren Beatty.

Beatty, perplexed, saw "EMMA STONE, LA LA LAND" as the winner. He paused several times, which seemed like he was deliberately creating suspense. Co-presenter Faye Dunaway chided him with an "Oh, Warren...." so he slyly handed the card to her so SHE could decide what to do.

She glanced at the card and trumpeted, "LA LA LAND!"

A moment later, she was heard to mutter, "It says Emma Stone."

(The Troll-filled Twitter-verse instantly accused her of being a "bitch" and a vicious "white woman" who tried to deny the black-cast "Moonlight" the prize).

After the La La bunch gave their acceptance speeches, the real winner was announced and another set of boring speeches given.

The Oscars is a once-a-year high pressure program.

Putting out a newspaper is a daily grind, which should routinely include PROOFREADING.

See if you can make sense out of another sentence from the LONDON DAILY FAIL:

Two more typos. Lovely. LOVELY.

These days, the shrug is, "Well, you know what we meant...fill in the missing word...who notices redundancy or bad writing...don't have a COW, Duuuuuuuuude."

Right. What the fuck. They should've just let the duuuuuuudes from "La La Land" walk off with their awards, right? What's it matter? They're all rich. Oscar-nominated is just as good as a win. It's yesterday news, so let's smile over TODAY's "FAKE-UP." Gee, ha ha ha, hope it's a WARDROBE MALFUNCTION....

Froggy the Gremlin's LAST WORD NEWS! Feb 23

HIYA KIDS, HIYA HIYA.

Whatever became of Froggy the Gremlin? He's on the Internet, he is he is.

He's working on his HACKING skills.

Eventually, he says, all the news will be GOOD, because he'll change all the headlines around.

He'll also make sure that any photo of a Kardashian or Jenner is changed into a photo of a white rhino or a koala bear. After all, these are endangered species, while the Kardashians and Jenners continue to breed and prosper.

When will Froggy plunk his magic twanger and start planting his LAST WORD news items all over websites?

"I'm working on the technology for the new paradigm, I am I am," he says.

Maybe he needs to raise funds on Kickstarter.

Froggy the Gremlin's LAST WORD news for February 22nd

It's Washington's birthday, it is, it is.

Fewer Americans know it, because for the sake of greed, Lincoln's birthday (Feb 16th) and Washington's birthday (Feb 22nd) have been combined for "President's Day."

This is a Monday between the two dates, when banks, post offices and Federal buildings close and people can take the day off to buy a new mattress at $50 less than the usual price. With delivery charge $50 more than the usual fee.

As long as nobody cares about Washington, neither does Froggy the Gremlin.

He simply offers the latest news headlines...getting in the LAST WORDS.

Froggy the Gremlin's "LAST WORD" NEWS

Froggy always likes to get in the last word, he does he does.

He used "auto suggestion" to interrupt Andy Devine and confuse him. If you're a GREMLIN, it's a lot of fun to WRECK somebody's TRAIN OF THOUGHT.

Here, he finishes headline news with how those last words SHOULD BE.

Feb 17th WHITING OUT THE NEWS!

I've BLACKED out the news, censoring it with BLACK BARS.

This has led to criticism from Kanye West, Jay-Z, Beyonce and others, that I only BLACKEN the news. I can understand how sensitive everyone is to these issues. So...using affirmative action, I've tried to achieve a balance by WHITENING the news.

Below, examples of how the news headlines might look if dabbed with WITE-OUT, or if the black ink, which DOES MATTER, ran out (in protest) and didn't print every word.

PS: I offer no guarantee that the humor below will not be offensive to somebody for some reason or other.

I will also take under consideration a phone call from "The Illiterate Theorists Society" (TITS) who have suggested I abandon the blog entirely, in sympathy for those who don't know how to read.

If you see no further entries, it's because they got my attention. Those affiliated with TITS can do that quite easily with me.

Hey, Associated Press, how...OLD...is...JERRY LEWIS??

It's sad that what's left of the working press has become as slipshod and ridiculous as Gawker, Decidr, Huffity-Puffity Post, Buzz Fart and the rest.

Associated Press, which is where the others get and re-write their "news," reported on an investigation into the Friars Club.

The article did NOT offer much of a clue on what was going on or who was involved.

The Friars Club hasn't been too relevant since Henny Youngman and Milton Berle passed on. Most of the members are accountants, dentists, landlords, and other schmucks who want to pretend they're in show biz. So they invest in a deli, get first row tickets to shows, and lox around the Friars Club waiting to glimpse Gilbert Gottfried.

What possible star-crime could be involved here?

Surveillance cameras caught Jeff Ross emptying handfuls of potato salad into his pockets?

There was NO quote from any celebrity, just a line from the human Blobfish, John Cats-on-my-Titties, real estate creep and Gristedes owner. Most any editor would've said, "Hold off till we find out MORE."

Then, in explaining what the hell the Friars Club is (and for the past 20 years, it's just a place where rich Blobfish can sit around drinking and pretending they're in show biz), AP mentioned the 95th Birthday party for Jerry Lewis.

As of this writing, Jerry is 90.

PS, see if you can tell which one is the landlord who actually ran for Mayor of NYC (Conservative, Republican), and which one is the Blobfish (Green Party).

ARSENE WON'T RETURN AT ARSENAL

WHAT??

ARSENE WON'T RETURN AT ARSENAL?

ARSENE WON'T RETURN AT ARSENAL????

You mean...HE'S BEEN MADE...REDUNDANT????

Feb 16th Immigrants Walk while I White

Today's big news, is that some businesses run by immigrants have closed for the day. Immigrants students have decided to take the day off. Huh? It's all in protest against Trump's policies, which so far have not been upheld in court. He's a President, not a King. Still, it's a nice gesture to remind people that just because a few immigrants have blown up the World Trade Center, destroyed the Boston Marathon, and shot up discos and a health care center in San Bernardino, that's no reason to bar EVERY oddball sauntering in from some very specific countries. The idea after all, is that we need more immigrants, since they do things most of us don't do. Like blow up the World Trade Center, destroy the Boston Marathon, shoot up discos and a health care center in San Bernardino. I keed, I keed. Bravo to some businesses that have closed for the day, to show the world how level-headed and reliable immigrant workers are. I wonder if that includes all the Halal trucks in NYC that are parked ON THE SIDEWALK. Funny, for years, hot dog vendors, fruit cart people, all the Jewish kosher pushcarts...were required to STAY IN THE GUTTER and NOT invade the sidewalk. Now? Halal vendors have intimidated quite a few vendors by arriving early and squatting, and taking the prime places with threats of violence. The Halal vendors have bigger trucks to sell their sizzling lamb kebobs and other nicely butchered livestock, and they naturally have decided to take over half the sidewalk to call attention to themselves. NOBODY is telling them to recede and stay where they belong. At the risk of seeming so very UN-PC, I believe that the news is better WHITED OUT. Pretend the ink cartridge is suddenly OUT OF BLACK INK AGAIN and needs to be replaced (do you own an HP printer?? Then you don't have to pretend.)

Today's Illustrated Political News

The Daily Mail says Nick Cannon is, what, suffering from TWO diseases?

You expect more from The Daily Fail. You get it.

Here's two repetitive sentences in a row in an article on turban-model and tattoo practice dummy Nick Cannon.

It's a sad situation, when somebody has Lupus.

It's also a sad situation when a newspaper has no proofreaders or literacy.

The article was about Nick walking away from his hosting job (which mostly involves bugging out his eyes at all the crazy contestants) on "America's Got Talent." The ex-husband of Mariah Carey (as he's most often billed) was annoyed at NBC for finding fault with his stand-up act.

Nick was using the word "nigger" quite often, which NBC may have considered inappropriate for one of their employees.

It's possible Cannon was tired of doing the show (it's a tiresome show, period) and needed an excuse to walk away. It's also possible NBC was tired of him doing the show, and seized on his lousy stand-up act as an excuse to pressure him.

Either way, the "race card" was played. Only it was hardly the first time Cannon played it.

Anyone remember when he put on WHITEFACE, and called himself "Whiteguy Smallpenis" or whatever it was?

Wait, let's look that up. It was only a few years ago:

Ah. There we are. See, it's ok when blacks do WHITEFACE. The Wayans Brothers made it a big laugh for an entire unfunny movie.

Nick's excuse would be that there were minstrel shows nearly 100 years ago, so it's important to get even, and have some affirmative action. Or something.

Meanwhile, only a month or so ago, Paris Jackson (very white) became enraged because a British satire show had a brief sketch that featured a parody of Michael Jackson. Jackson, who spent his last years looking VERY white, and being laughed at for it by comedians both black and white, was played by a white guy. This was because no black guy could look the way Jackson looked!

Double standard? What a surprise. Nick Cannon defended his use of whiteface because...he's Nick Cannon, yo. Mr. Hilarious.

NBC and AGT do everything they can to be so, SO politically correct. Ever hear of Ray Jessel? In 2014, this little old man (who resembled Arte Johnson's "Tyrone" character from "Laugh-In") offered up a harmless novelty tune for his audition, "The Penis Song" was a comical kvetch about going out with a woman...who turns out to be a man. And, ha ha, the woman has a bigger penis, too.

What happened after the schmuck sang this silly song? The audience roared. The panelists screamed with laughter. Everyone was delighted to "discover" this songwriter who'd been kicking around for 50 years. BUT...suddenly Ray Jessel was OFF the show. NBC decided he was OUT. Yes, even though he had been advanced, and would obviously sing ANOTHER song for his next appearance, they destroyed the dream of this old man. Ray died a few years later.

None of the judges on AGT has had a word to say about Nick Cannon, for or against.

They probably are bored, and don't care one way or the other. NBC has every reason to be concerned about how one of their stars is being perceived, and currently, Cannon is being perceived as an annoying, unfunny 3rd rate Richard Pryor with a turban fetish. His interruptions and bug-eyed faces and tiresome hosting questions don't enhance AGT very much. Mostly he's on remote control. After most every contestant performs, Nick stands close by, and says the same thing to the first judge called on: "Talk..."

There's no variation: "Howie, what did you think of..." "Simon, what's your opinion..." It's just a bored, "Howie, talk to her." Or "Simon, talk to him."

It's time "AGT" and Nick parted company. In fact, it wouldn't be a great loss if AGT was canceled and Cannon retired.

And "Draining the Snake" takes on a new meaning

Submitted for your disapproval, without comment, from The Twilight Zone. AKA, ROMFORD.

OK, the "Related Stories" sidebar was added. However, I wouldn't dream of taking credit for re-working that old pun.

PS, I'm sure ROMFORD is a fine, fine place to live. It beats Hull, doesn't it?

And any town NEAR Hull??

I quote from the late great Humphrey Lyttelton, who hosted an episode of "Sorry I Haven't A Clue" from Hull:

"The Mighty Humber Suspension Bridge was opened by the Queen in 1981. Linking Willoughby with Barton-Upon-Humber, the structure was at that time the longest and most expensive single span concrete supported bridge in the world, that connected two places nobody wants to go to."

FUN COUPLES - Mr. and Mrs. Anglerfish

"I'm not making this up..."

"Take my wife...please..."

White Out Wednesday (or, WITE-OUT Wednesday, Liquid Paper Wednesday...)

What if somebody spilled Wite-Out on your newspaper?

Or, what if your printer began running out of black ink?

The ends of sentences might be missing. A few letters might not come out.

It might look...something...like THIS...

TRUMP IS GREAT...FOR COMEDIANS!

Years ago, I wrote a book, "Fight for Tonight," about Carson, Caveat, Leno, Letterman etc.

Maybe I should revise it. Things are getting interesting. There's a bit of a war breaking out between Colbert and Fallon. It seems that the NBC puppy's no longer on top with his safe diet of "let's play games" and let's pretend inanimate objects send "thank you" notes. While the key demographic of stupid Millennials still love him and his hilarious drag impression of a stupid Millennial chick, and his habit of frat-boy giggling as he repeats the same joke over and over again with his announcer, ADULT comedy is winning on CBS.

The reason, though, isn't that the American public has lost its taste for bland and fairly mindless comedy before beddie-bye (Leno beating Letterman).

It's that America wants TRUMP JOKES. Colbert is supplying them.

Over at "Saturday Night Live," they are experiencing their strongest ratings in DECADES, thanks to all the mimicry of Trump and his family and his ludicrous appointees.

According to the ratings, "Colbert’s margin of victory is growing. On the week ended Feb. 3 — Colbert’s first week of new shows since Trump’s inauguration — “Late Night” edged out “Tonight” by a mere 10,000 viewers. Last week, that margin of victory grew to 130,000. While Fallon still draws in a bigger audience of 18-to-49-year-olds, the demographic advertisers covet, his once comfortable margin of victory is getting slim."

Yes, a lot of people (remember, Trump lost the popular vote by THREE MILLION) don't want ANY news about Trump. Seeing him is still a bitter reality ("He IS the president. He really IS"). NOT reading a newspaper is good for anyone with high blood pressure. BUT...many need to hear the Trump jokes. If they don't want to watch the TV news, at least they get a comical version of it with the latest outrages doused in the "Bucket Challenge." Challenge a comedian to handle a fiery remark from Trump, and out comes the bucket, which is pretty much saying "Fuck it."

Somehow the happy medium is still not faring that well. Jimmy Kimmel, the deadpan guy who schleps to center stage with his hands limp at his sides, and offers a mix of needling on politics and noodling on everything else, remains in third place, always a million viewers behind.

And after the big shots at 11:35? Seth Meyers still leads and has upped the time for news comedy and, ala Maher, comical lectures on Trump. His safe rival is the effeminate James Corden. Or to borrow a Don Henley line, "all she wants to do is dance." Or, play giddy "Car Karaoke" with empty-headed celebrities.

Political humor skidded from essential (Mort Sahl and David Frye among others in the Nixon era) to silly (Rich Little doing Reagan and Carter in less troubled times). Clinton the "corndog" was treated affectionately with Robert Smigel doing his Clutch Cargo bits on Conan's show, and soft-faced Clinton "lookalike" appearing with Leno. Dubya Bush's gaffes made for amusing "I'm not making this up" clips for both Leno and Letterman, but you couldn't call it "political satire."

Now? Alec Baldwin's Trump impersonation is pure David Frye malice. Put it this way, Trump wouldn't mind standing alongside Darrell Hammond for a laugh, but NOT Baldwin. The need for prickly jokes has likewise made heroes out of unsympathetic performers such as Colbert, Maher and Meyers. With Trump around, a rising audience wants them to be snotty, blunt or snarky.

Comedy is always a barometer of what's going on. The zany Marx Brothers and Three Stooges reflected the Depression era, where the exact opposite was needed: mad escapist anarchy and manic comic violence. Eisenhower and the Cold War and repressed sexuality gave us Lenny Bruce and Mort Sahl. And now...TRUMP is wrestling political comedy back from the "politically correct" brigade. Just how long it lasts depends on when people begin to say, "This is NOT funny anymore. This is SERIOUS!!!"

Valentine's Day

Isn't it sweet? It's traditional to send and receive those chalky little Candy Hearts...

February 14th - another round of CENSORED NEWS

I know, maybe we should just NOT look at the news AT ALL.

That includes the depressing news from Sweden (when is it NOT) that PEWDIEPIE, a jerk with 50 million YouTube subscribers, paid Muslims (or were they Hindus) to walk around with "Death to All Jews" signs.

He's a COMEDIAN, you see. That's COMEDY in SWEDEN.

What can I do but quote a song by Fleetwood Muck.

"Thunder only happens when it's raining. Players only love you when they're playing.

Buffalo have fun in an immense herd. News is only funny when it's censored."

Feb 13 Uncensored News + ADELE: "Ronald L. Smith Should Have Won the Grammy"

Did you read what Adele said about me?

She said the GRAMMY should have gone to ME, for the funny novelty-song album of the year: "HA HA HALLOWEEN."

She admitted she's just a fat cow who bellows stupid heartbreak cliche songs to even fatter cows who sit around eating chocolates all day. Even Yorkie bars, which they SHOULD NOT EAT.

Beyonce added, "Everything I do sounds alike. I couldn't TOUCH a song like Ron's "LAWYER IN HELL." Truth, yo!"

Aretha Franklin said, "I retire! I give up! I just heard Ron's album. I'm thinking of diving into a pile of my fur coats and suffocating to death!"

YES!

ALL of the above is true. I saw it on a Fake News website. And that's the point. Whether it's Huffington's Huffity Puffity Opinion Site, or Decider or Newser or Smeller or Plaigerizer, NONE of that crap can be trusted.

So don't even bother reading the news...UNLESS IT'S CENSORED.

Feb 10 in CENSORED news

The real news? It just confirms the savagery and stupidity all around us.

The news today?

Two morons were fighting in a fast food restaurant. A white drunken bitch slapped a black football player, who clocked her into unconsciousness and walked out. She says he and his pals were making lewd remarks at her. HE says she a racist. HE (Joe Mixon) is also admitting it's never a good idea to hit a woman. He apologized for that, and he means it: especially now that he's looking to be signed by the NFL.

My news for Joe Mixon: the NFL endorses violence against women. And if they have any objections to a black man breaking the face of a white girl he never even meant, well, that kind of racist attitude requires some sensitivity training. Maybe Colin Klinkerknuckle, or whatever his name is, can give a speech about it. Or take a knee.

Or explain why he's still wearing his slave name on his Jersey when he's so upset about how awful this country is. Can't he at least be Colin X? It would be easier to sign his big fat paychecks that way.

Then we have Central Michigan University. Over there, they send out hilarious Valentine's Day cards saying: "My love 4 U burns like 6 million Jews."

Millennials don't know how to spell FOUR or YOU, and besides it takes 2 long.

Spokeswoman Sherry Knight told the press the school is 'deeply disappointed' in how their College Republicans club behaved, in sending out gift bags with the cards in them. Who knows who put the cards in? Everyone's denying they know.

At least they aren't denying the Holocaust. They're just making fun of six million people who were abused, starved and tortured to death.

Sherry would be the first to point out that they'd NEVER make fun of Muslims. Because if they did, Central Michigan University would be a pile of ashes.

So, why indeed, bother to even glance at today's headlines? They are not going to be pleasant. UNLESS...they have been censored!

FEB 9 in CENSORED NEWS

There's the usual uproar over Trump and his cabinet appointments.

There's the usual hype over the snowstorm "pummeling" people and "snarling" traffic.

There's a lot of boring crap about Beyonce and the Kardashians. So...take a quick glance at the CENSORED headlines. That's all you need.

PS, get well soon, Selma Blair!

WHAT? "Judy Garland Molested by Munchkins"

Who could imagine such a thing. Judy Garland, only sixteen, having to watch out for MUNCHKINS trying to grab a feel under her dress?

I COULD IMAGINE SUCH A THING.

It seems that some are doubting this sad revelation. Like, Munchkins could be DRUNK, but don't say the little bastards were pervs, too!

Sid Luft, once married to Judy (hence, Lorna Luft), died way back in 2005 without completing his memoirs. They've been found, edited, polished, and...apparently disbelieved. Yes, the same trailer-park denizens who believe in UFO's don't believe in perverted Munchkins.

There are people stalking Wal-Mart who believe nobody ever walked on the moon, and no children were killed by Adam Lanza, and the World Trade Center's destruction was an "inside job," but...perverted MUNCHKINS? NO! NO! HELL NO!

"How can we watch The Wizard of Oz over and over and over again, thinking that the Lollipop Guild had their sticky fingers up against Dorothy's panties?"

The denial of this holocaust is based on pure logic: Judy Garland NEVER mentioned that she had to guard her little toto against the Munchkins. She did recall them this way: "They were drunks. They got smashed every night and the police used to scoop them up in butterfly nets."

But that just makes 'em good ol' little boys.

Now? Who IS this Luft guy? Is it better to have Luft...and lost our innocent view of Munchkins? Isn't it better not to have Luft at all??

"They thought they could get away with anything because they were so small," Luft wrote. "They would make Judy’s life miserable on set by putting their hands under her dress. The men were 40 or more years old."

What a tragedy for white bread eating rednecks who grin lustily over songs with lines like "She was only sixteen..." Hell, for Jerry Lee Lewis, that's OLD.

The Luft-Garland union was one of her longer engagements (1952-1965). It's not possible that in those 13 years, she didn't mention her dislike for the Munchkins? People want to doubt that Luft, with nothing better to do, began writing a chronicle of his life for posterity? Or that if he made stuff up about the poor Munchkins, or his craven ghost-writer did??

I can't vouch for Sid on this one. My friend Bobby Cole actually had an affair with Judy. He was her orchestra leader for a while, and took over for Mel Torme as the musical arranger on the short-lived "Judy Garland Show."

If she told him about touchy-feely Munchkins, he didn't tell me. He told me some other amusing things, but no small details about her days on the set of "The Wizard of Oz." Still, we know all about her drugs, her enjoyment of anal sex, her passionate nature...nothing seems to be off-limits in a discussion of her often tragic life. But...it seems we draw the lines at sullying MUNCHKINS.

They're all dead. They can't stand up for themselves. In fact when they were around, you could hardly see 'em if they DID stand up for themselves. Still, I tend to believe they were not only drunk, but drunk and horny.

At least nobody said Margaret Hamilton was copping a feel. I met Ms. Hamilton at a Laurel & Hardy "Sons of the Desert" banquet and she was a sweet old lady.

And if somebody said Judy had a roll in the hay with the Scarecrow, or was the reason the Tin Man had a heart-on, I'd say that person was indulging in cowardly lyin'.

Feb 8th - THE CENSORED NEWS

You don't want to read the important news of the day...

That BEYONCE is pregnant, and ADELE just looks like she is.

That the President of Italy announced he's a fan of Donald Trump. (This is the country that gave us Mussolini).

That Putin poisoned another rival, just as he poisoned the USA election.

That pudgy effeminate James Corden is hosting the Grammy Awards because he was so giddy playing car karaoke with jerks even less talented than himself.

That one day it can be 50 degrees and the next, a BLIZZARD with 12 inches of snow.

The only news you can enjoy is CENSORED NEWS.

Feb 7 - the CENSORED NEWS

Entertainment news used to be positive. "Wow, a new album from...Bob Dylan!"

Yeah. The new Bob Dylan album in the news: TRIPLICATE. THREE discs loaded with his mediocre covers of "standards." He's doing "These Foolish Things," which Bryan Ferry covered back in 1973.

In 1970, Ringo Starr recorded "Sentimental Journey." Who'd think Bob would be borrowing concepts from old Ringo Starr albums?

Rod Stewart began his tedious collection of FIVE "Great American Songbook" covers in 2002. Paul McCartney, ten years later, 2012, offered "Kisses on the Bottom." Which could've been titled, "Kiss my ass...you HAVE to buy this if you collect EVERYTHING I've done or the Beatles have done..."

The rest of the entertainment news? It's usually about a bad movie everybody is supposed to love ("LA LA LAND"). We also get to see the latest "wardrobe malfunction" from a talentless reality show bimbo or somebody BOUGHT by the media, like this Gigi Hadid creature who has the rich Daddy.

As always, the NEWS is really better left unread. Or, read only if it's been CENSORED.

Feb 6 Censored News Super Bowl Miracle: Trumpers "THERE IS A GOD"

God exists. Of course, Donald Trump swore his oath (no, the presidential one) on TWO Bibles. He has said again and again he is very religious.

And GOD has provided the proof. The MIRACLE Boston Patriots won the Super Bowl. Down by 21-3 at the half, they tied the game and won it in overtime. This is the team that has both an owner and a quarterback in love with Donald Trump. As for the coach, he even wrote a fan letter to Trump during the campaign.

So a win for the Boston Patriots was a win for TRUMP and proof THERE IS A GOD.

Ha, that atheist Bill Maher, who was gloating and Tweeting at halftime, shut his beak after the finale. Maybe he smoked a joint to relax. He sure didn't rub the roach on his forehead as an ash of penance for doubting the WILL OF THE LORD.

Yes, there was a headline about the Patriots in today's paper but...like ALL of the news today, February 6th, it really needs to be CENSORED. Otherwise, it's too depressing.

The CENSORED news for FRIDAY the 3rd

Welcome to the end of the working week.

BOB DYLAN "TRIPLICATE" 3 CD SET

BOB DYLAN...BOLDLY GOING WHERE BRYAN FERRY WAS IN 1973.

The Uncensored News for February 1 and 2

In case you missed my posts on TWITTER, here they are.

PS, once something has been on TWITTER for a few days, consider it TWATTER.

Past tense.

Even the wimps at NPR think Bob Dylan's Disappointing Us

After Bob's first Frank Sinatra album, honest people said, "OK. Glad THAT's over."

The good news was that, with much splicing and punching-in, the gruff, tattered voice that was making some Dylan fans say "please retire," sounded, well, kind of smooth. Like he was 60 again.

The bad news? He was wasting his time on a tribute album to "Mr. Frank," as Bob called him on a TV special years ago. Funny, Bob didn't actually SING a Sinatra song on that show. His tribute was to be Bob Dylan, and know that Sinatra respected that.

A SECOND Bob Dylan album of Sinatra stuff appeared. Oh, OK, he's treading water, and he had outtakes. We can forgive that, as we forgave "Self Portrait" and that dopey Christmas album. Even if you don't believe everything he does is pure genius, and that you can't criticize the rock God who moves in mysterious ways...you were hoping he'd do SOMETHING else.

Now? THREE albums of STANDARDS.

WHY? Oh, don't question the rock God. Just accept that he's doing what Willie Nelson did on that mediocre "Stardust" album, and what Rod Stewart's done to death. And forget that most rockers who have dabbled in 40's classics, from Joni Mitchell to Elvis Costello, only stuck ONE cover song on an album of originals.

NPR, where you can count on a sappy hipster to show a photo of himself in a jerky hat, led with the great news (which everybody heard by now) that there was NEW DYLAN. And gosh, you could go to VEVO and hear a track.

Do tell us more, NPR, which stands for Nattering Pretentious Radio.

Good Lord. Really whets your masochistic appetite, doesn't it? The same guy who tortured "Blue Moon" on "Self Portrait" (let's admit The Marcels did a much better version), is now going to mewl and puke over "As Time Goes By" and that favorite of Johnny Carson AND Spike Milligan, "Here's that Rainy Day."

NPR will tell you he will "reinterpret" these songs, but did he actually do ANYTHING interesting on those two Sinatra albums? Not at all.

He did not "interpret" any of Sinatra's songs in a unique or interesting way. The only "innovation" was that some sad soul played some mournful pedal steel in the background. Bob is a maligned singer (he CAN sing) HE is often the best interpreter of his own songs, which he can snarl, growl or gurgle. He's even slowed the tempo and screwed with the inflection on many of his classics, to create variations. But...if you want creative cover versions, especially of other peoples' songs, you don't necessarily think of HIM.

In fact, the songs from the "Great American" songwriters are actually so rigid that almost everyone sings them just about the same way, from Sinatra to Bennett to Torme to Jack Jones to Ella Fitzgerald to Peggy Lee to Julie London. Oh, Julie sang 'em softer, and Torme sang them with his "velvet fog" voice, but it's actually rare when even the masters of the genre slowed the tempo or changed the inflection on a lyric line.

About the only song that has a lot of different versions is "Love for Sale," with some ladies singing with a lilt, and others spitting out the words like a cynical whore.

But back to Bob. Our NPR wimp, after running paragraph after paragraph of what was just a commercial for the Dylan set, actually got around to making the obvious and valid point: WHY? WHY is he doing this??

The first thing I thought of, after "NO, NOT AGAIN," was...this is 2017. Trump has just been elected. Protests have literally seen people going WILD IN THE STREETS. We've got ISIS. We've got Climate Change.

When I heard there was a new Dylan album going out, I thought: will Bob go back to addressing issues, if only (to use a Leonard Cohen word) to emphasize that things are...DARKER?

No. He decided not to compete with himself as a protest singer. Never liked the word, he claims. No way he could top the stuff he did so many years ago. But he's not even doing what he did on the last few albums of originals (one of which surprisingly went to #1 on the UK charts). He decided to stop being a Delta Blues growler.

Instead: more 40's and 50's songs. He's telling the world to go back to before most of 'em were even born, and listen to "Day In and Day Out."

If you want to really give him the benefit of this doubtful exercise, then you can pretend he's seizing on irony in recording "Stormy Weather" (see, see, it's about climate change) or "September Of My Years" (ah, ah, he's acknowledging mortality). Yes, he covered the latter on his own "It Ain't Dark Yet (but it's gettin' there)" but why not underline it with a REAL CLASSIC about aging?

We'll let the GUY IN THE REALLY COOL HAT have the last word, where, cautiously, after all those paragraphs about what's on the album (will he go on YouTube and "unwrap it" so we can watch?) he mutters that he DOES remember when Bob sang "Masters of War."

Yes, the guy in the COOL HAT will allow for the "oddness" of Bob the 40's song stylist. "Oddness." He could've used another term favored by middle-aged nebbishes: "awkward." This is an "awkward" Dylan album. But whatever the "paradigm" there IS a question of whether Bob's still in the "zeitgeist." Or do you have your own "fierce" notion?

The "disgraced" Bill Cosby used to say there was a big difference between "hope and faith."

In this case, I have HOPE that the Dylan 3 CD set will be relevant, interesting, and worth hearing over and over. But I have no FAITH in it.

"Hey everyone there's a NEW BOB DYLAN album, and for the first time, it's a THREE CD SET!!"