EXPLAINING SOCCER

America still doesn't care about soccer. It seems to only appeal to greasy immigrants.

I offer my slogan to help the Home Team!

GO COSMOS!

Tennessee Williams? Who's THAT, Duuuuuuude?

On "Wheel of Fortune," a contestant had to guess a four word title.

A STREETCAR...

Is that a clue?

How about that it ends with DESIRE?

Oh, it's 2017, Duuuuuuuuude.

On "Wheel of Fortune," a contestant can choose to keep spinning (and risk landing on BANKRUPT). The more you spin (and guess correct letters) the more you win.

KEVIN got the puzzle down to only ONE MISSING LETTER:

A STREETCAR NA-ED DESIRE.

He figured he had the answer. What else could that third word be except....

Caption Re-Writes

The original. And mine.

GROUPON...FOR ME TO POOP ON

You know GROUPON?

Generally, they offer products you don't need at prices so low...you forget this is crap and you don't need it.

Groupon's aimed at Yuppie wannabe's who don't have all the money to be self-indulgent and sappy. The hedge fund weasel is PROUD to pay retail. The accountant wants it wholesale.

Here, photos real, text altered, are some typical GROUPON BARGAINS...

He ain't Cosby or Polanski - He only Killed his Girl And Fed her to Dogs

"So I made a mistake..."

THIS guy looks like a nice fellow, doesn't he?

Can't you people forget a little thing like...putting a hit on a woman, having her killed, and grinding her up and feeding her to dogs? OF COURSE YOU CAN.

He's not POLANSKI or COSBY, after all. They are still being dragged through the courts. Not Bruno, here.

"What are YOU lookin' at, amigo? Never seen a murderer before? Lemme play SOCCER!!!"

That's Bruno Fernandes de Souza.

After a mere six years in prison, he's out, and signed to play soccer in Brazil. The owner of the team feels he deserves a second chance, but a few malcontents have been on Twitter, having the NERVE to COMPLAIN.

Interesting, isn't it? You can get your ex-girlfriend killed over nothing, and enjoy the sadism of making sure her body is chopped up and fed to dogs...and you're forgiven.

The owner of the soccer team is standing by Bruno.

Meanwhile, at the same time, Roman Polanski is still fighting a 40 year-old case and asking to be allowed into America. You know, he wants the same rights that Islamic radical terrorists have. THEY get into this country all the time.

Meanwhile, at the same time, Bill Cosby, his career ruined, has been dealing with a long, drawn out 10 year technicality that could send him to prison. He didn't grind up a woman and feed her to dogs. No. This case concerns a woman who got offended that she made herself available to a married man, alone in his home, and he came on to her. That's all.

He didn't rape her. He certainly didn't kill her. In fact, he gave her some money to soothe her, and she was no longer very offended. She bought him a sweater and gave it to him as a present. She made herself available to him all over again. Wanted to go see his concerts. Didn't she?

To the satisfaction of the Philadelphia prosecutor at the time, there was no more case. Ten years later, it's been re-opened even though it was settled by everyone involved.

The Polanski case? The girl involved does not want to see Polanski punished or banished. Isn't that enough? He's spent 40 years wondering when some zealot prosecutor would come to his door and haul him away. In fact, he served a year of house arrest while various countries bickered over whether he could be tried for something that happened in another country. "Hey, America wants that guy, but France isn't giving him up. What if he's in Switzerland or Sweden or Poland, can we bag him in THAT country and shove him on a plane bound for the States? Would that make us all happy, even if it's really none of our business, and there are terrorists that we're ignoring??"

Like Cosby, Polanski had a deal going. He only fled the country when he learned that the judge had changed his mind and was going to throw the book at him. The judge, like the current Cosby prosecutor/persecutor, figured it would be great publicity to be an Avenging Angel.

One can't make light of the charges against Polanski and Cosby, except to point out that most of what they did took place in an era when promiscuity, sexual revolution and new forms of prescription drugs were all cheered by a permissive society. Even today, on most every college campus, you'll hear of "date rape drugs" considered common and "no big deal." You'll hear, in high schools and junior high schools, about teachers having sex with 13 year-olds.

What IS out of the ordinary, is killing a woman for a petty and selfish "reason," and then having her turned into hamburger for dogs. Yet THAT guy is free and ready to get paid to play GAMES.

All Hail Chuck Berry - And Berry Cosby, not Praise Him

Interesting. Chuck Berry lived to 90 in comfort, was invited to play any time he wanted, and nobody said, "Hey, he was sexually perverted with over 70 women that HE HAD TO PAY OFF to SETTLE LAWSUITS."

Over 70. That's more than the 50 complaints against Bill Cosby, which mostly involve strippers, Playboy club waitresses, bimbo actresses, and women who were coming onto a married man because they wanted to get money or a TV acting role without working too hard for it. Berry's victims were all strangers to him who were victims of his camcorder spy camera in a bathroom at his restaurant.

Previously? The guy was sent to jail for over a year for, what was it, bringing an underage whore over state lines? Or was that a set-up, like his reform school stint for stealing cars and committing burglary?

SCREW magazine routinely ran ads in the paper, and on their "Midnight Blue" TV cable show, for a VHS tape called "Is That Chuck Berry Pissing?" Chuck had a fondness for having sex with some white woman and urinating all over her, before or after. Well, he was certainly a pioneer. He did all this before R. Kelly.

Yet, today Berry is front page news, and quotes from Mick Jagger and Bruce Springsteen and anyone else who wants to get in on it, have seized on Berry and praised him (to modify a Flip Wilson gag about Julius Caesar).

Even, who IS this, some aging punkette is hoisting a YouTube video and declaring her love for the PIONEER OF ROCK AND ROLL. I wonder if she would've been so thrilled if she was a victim of his bathroom camcorder.

HAIL HAIL Chuck Berry, pioneer of rock and roll.

Why? Because we expect rock stars to be nasty bastards. They're up there swaggering, duck-walking, goose-stepping, snarling, spitting, rubbing their long-necked guitars up and down, and even grabbing crotch. Groupies, groupies and MORE groupies. Wow! Women are supposed to be humiliated by rock stars!

These days, Bill Cosby is not only a pariah, but his accomplishments have been trivialized and even discarded.

Chuck Berry was a pioneer of rock and roll. Yes. He did write and record a rather measly half-dozen memorable Top 20 songs, most of them between 1955 and 1958. A half-dozen songs is ONE side of a "Greatest Hits" album.

Bill Cosby won 5 gold records in a row for his albums. Not singles lasting 3 minutes. Full albums over 30 minutes each. He won as many Grammy awards.

Bill Cosby won 3 Emmy awards for what was certainly a pioneering TV show. He broke racial barriers by co-starring in "I Spy" and he did it with NO acting experience. How many non-actors end up getting 3 Emmy awards in a row for their first TV series?

Bill Cosby went on to bring back "family" sitcoms with "The Cosby Show," a program that once again tried to prove equality by ignoring racial tensions and showing that a black family could be middle class and have the same comical problems as any other family.

Cosby was probably the first black face that white America came to truly love. He had the highest likability rating of anyone on the planet, which led to his endless TV commercials for Jell-o and other products. People may have been amused by Sammy Davis Jr. on stage, but that didn't mean he'd be welcome at home. At a time when African-Americans were being vocal about being equal, and not wanting to ride in the back of the bus, or go to a "Blacks Only" restaurant, Cosby was showing America, "You have nothing to fear." Wasn't he?

How many people began to see racism for the sickness that it is, when they thought, "The KKK hates Negroes? They want to lynch them all? They consider them all inferior? They'd lynch BILL COSBY?"

Bill Cosby was humanizing Black people via his humor, and you'd have to be truly insane to deny him access to a bathroom because it was "for whites only." Chuck Berry? He put a hidden camera in a bathroom. But he's a rock star.

And today, Chuck Berry is receiving nothing but praise as a pioneer, and as an enduring performing working for over 50 years (even if his creative output was pretty much confined to five of those years, and all he did afterward was play the same songs over and over if people gave him enough cash).

If anyone even mentions some of the bad things Berry did, or how "ornery" he could be, it's tempered by a shrug of "well, he was a rock star." Anything else? He grew up poor, so we have to allow for that. (So did Cosby).

The double standard is that people are eager to forgive a "rock star" anything. Being a "rock star" is excuse enough.

Your Choice at 12:35 - IN THE REAL WORLD or IN THE CLOSET

There's always been a big choice at 12:35 for late night TV talk shows.

In the past, it was aggressively eccentric, wicked man of the world Craig Ferguson vs party-game-playing puppy Jimmy Fallon.

Now?

Your choice is aggressive, sharp-edged Seth Meyers skewering the news in the real world...

and passive, pudgy James Corden getting giddy over singing karaoke with nitwit reality stars, being gushy and squishy with forgettable flash-in-the-pan glitz-and-dish celebrities and dressing up in embarrassing drag

The big switch is that it's NBC, not CBS, who has the more eccentric cult figure. Corden pulls in a gay audience, an absolutely fab audience, and air-heads who worship Adele and get most of their news from TMZ. This could be enough for NBC to keep pudgy Corden on the year for almost as many years as CBS gave to Ferguson.

Meyers has emerged as one of the strongest voices in topical comedy.

Meyers is in the real world, which some people don't want to be reminded about at bedtime.

Corden remains in the closet, the most effeminate "straight man" since Joe Besser, but not nearly as likable.

Jimmy Breslin, Legend or Not? Depends on Which Paper You Read....

While both the New York Post and the New York Daily News picked Chuck Berry for the cover, it was a split decision on the "other obituary."

Jimmy Breslin was one of New York's most famous and most visible newspaper guys. The man even ran for Mayor with New York's even more famous writer, Norman Mailer. He also wrote a famous novel, "The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight." Breslin was famous enough to lend his sloppy look and New Yawk accent to a TV beer commercial. The sage newspaperman's literary appraisal? "It's a good drinkin' beer."

The latter is Jimmy in a nutshell. Other beer commercials want to take about "great taste, less filling," or being "the champagne of bottled beer" or whatever? Jimmy was the kind of writer who laid it down...and let it stay there. Simple, tough and truthful. "That's it," he said in the commercial, as if he'd just thought of it, "a good DRINKIN' beer." What else do ya do wit ya beer? Fuggedaboutit!

But the New York Post forgoddaboutit. They went with an AP all-purpose obit. There was a faint line that Breslin once worked for the Post.

Eh. So what. "Pulitzer Prize Winning Journalist." Did he write four or five hit songs? Do a duckwalk on stage? Secretly record women in the bathroom of his restaurant? Was he the subject of a video sold on the cable show 'Midnight Blue' asking, "Is That Chuck Berry Pissing [on a white woman]?" Nahhhhh.

It was a perfunctory obit for Breslin, who suffered a stroke years ago, recovered and then wrote a book called, "I Want to Thank my Brain For Remembering Me." After all, Breslin didn't write: "I was motor'vatin' over the hill, I saw Maybellene in a Coup de Ville."

Perhaps the Post didn't want to give a lot of space to Breslin because he actually wrote most of his best work for The Daily News?

The "front page" of the Daily News website was not Chuck Berry. It was Jimmy:

New York's two tabloids gave people a split decision on the importance of Jimmy Breslin. Over at The New York Times, there was an apology about how a "full obituary" would be online very soon. Even so, what they had up in the hours after Breslin's death was announced was already much more (just in terms of paragraphs) than AP or The New York Post. It was, of course, also better written. One of those paragraphs:

"Early on, Mr. Breslin developed the persona of the hard-drinking, dark-humored Everyman from Queens, so consumed by life’s injustices and his six children that he barely had time to comb his wild black mane. While this persona shared a beer with the truth, Mr. Breslin also admired Dostoyevsky, swam every day, rarely drank in the last 30 years, wrote a shelf-full of books, and adhered to a demanding work ethic that required his presence in the moment, from a civil-rights march in Alabama to a perp walk in Brooklyn — no matter that he never learned to drive."

That's describing a colorful guy. An important guy. "A good reading' guy." You enjoyed reading Breslin.

No, writers are not entertainers. Not usually. But Breslin actually was. He was colorful enough to get face time on TV, and he in every New Yorker's face for many decades, via his columns.

Jimmy Breslin and Chuck Berry were contemporaries. Breslin died at 86. Berry died at 90. If you discount the very stupid double entendre song "My Ding a Ling" in 1972, Berry's hit-making ended nearly 60 years ago! He wrote "Maybellene" in 1955, "Roll Over Beethoven" in 1956, "School Day" in 1957, "Rock & Roll Music" and "Johnny B. Goode" in 1958. That's his handful of hits.

Breslin covered local news for over thirty solid years, including national news; his story on JFK's gravedigger at Arlington Cemetery dates from 1963. Then there was the similar story in 1980, where Breslin reported on the guy who rode John Lennon to the hospital. And more.

The morning papers that covered Breslin in two very different ways, ultimately shows that not only can petty politics be a factor in how a man is remembered (New York Post refusing to give much space to a man who mostly wrote for the News), it underlines how little writers are valued. Even on a slow news day, and without Chuck Berry's large duckwalking shadow, Breslin would not have gotten any more lines from AP. This is Associated Press. Breslin as one of theirs.

But hey, Jimmy was knocking out columns, but not "knocking' 'em out like Johnny B. Goode."

It's a Great Day for the Irish

St. Patrick was brilliant no doubt
But after, he started to shout:
“From driving out snakes
I’ve gotten the shakes!
Ya mind if I have me a Stout?”
.

.

by Ronald L. Smith

dedicated to the memory of the greatest Irish poet...SPIKE MILLIGAN.

Danny Thomas, Jamie Farr...the late Stavros Jabra

Quick, name some funny Lebanese...

Most know that despite starring in a remake of "The Jazz Singer," Danny Thomas was Lebanese, not Jewish. "Corporal Klinger" on M*A*S*H made many references to being Lebanese, and indeed, Jamie Farr is Lebanese. And?

Stavro Jabra (February 18, 1947 – March 12, 2017) was a member of two minority groups. He was a funny Lebanese and...a political cartoonist. There aren't many political cartoonists anymore. They are an endangered species because there are fewer and fewer newspapers for their syndicated work. Also, political cartooning, going back to the infamous Herblock, is a slightly antiquated art form.

Political cartoons always seem to rely on symbolism. People don't like that. They like, as Bud Abbott used to say, "to have it in their laps. Lay it in their laps." Late night political monologues are better digested. Insulting memes are good, too. It takes quite a special political cartoonist to work with the "acid pen" and the symbolism. Stavro was such a man.

As most cartoonists do, he used only part of his name for a corner byline: STAVRO.

With the symbolic words easy to translate into any language, he was published all over the world: The New York Times, Der Spiegel, Le Monde, Le Courrier International, and plenty of Lebanese newspapers. I have no idea what THIS one is all about, but it demonstrated that he wasn't merely interested in drawing swarthy fanatics.

Jabra, age 70, died of an unspecified "illness," and there doesn't seem to be much biographical detail on him. He seemed to be working pretty close to the end, as he managed to ink up some references to Donald Trump. Maybe he was one of those satirists who said, "If Trump is President, I don't want to live."

So, Finally, it's agreed Pudgy Amy Schumer ain't Funny

Amy Schumer's new special is NOT FUNNY.

Is that a surprise? She never was funny. She was always obnoxious. It just took a while for the easy-laughing morons of the world to realize, "what were we thinking of? This is really boring tripe from an unsightly annoying bitch."

So, approximately 700 out of 800 people leaving comments didn't like her show.

That alone isn't so bad. Most people who leave comments are trolls. They don't like anything.

BUT...many of the bad reviews came from people disappointed that this show was so terrible when "Trainwreck" was SO good and her last special was SO hilarious.

It's possible that Schumer (a cousin to the not so hilarious New York Senator, Chuck Schumer) simply ran out of ways to bludgeon her jokes and find new topics for her "outrageous" observations. Which is like saying that maybe Adele is going to run out of ways to bellow about ex-boyfriends dumping her like 150 pounds of manure from a hippo's cage.

Look at the picture. Does that look like somebody funny? Or does it look like a MMA fighter saying, "Yeah, I came in ten pounds over the weight limit, and if I'm not allowed to fight, that's somebody else's problem not mine."

First thing a comedian has to do is win people over visually. That walk to the microphone is where it starts. Does Amy look as comical as Phyllis Diller? As vulnerable as Joan Rivers? As smart as Tina Fey? As warm as Amy Poehler? As ethnic/exotic as Margaret Cho or Sarah Silverman? Who identifies with someone who looks like Amy Schumer? Then she opens her mouth, and the number who are laughing dwindles even more.

For me, whether she stole jokes or borrowed ideas from other comedians didn't make or break her. Don Adams stole from Jackie Mason but he had a great comic personality. Amy simply wasn't saying anything I wanted to hear. The aggressive fat bitch who would wedge herself against me to sit down on the bus and then have her purse on my thigh and start yapping on a cellphone is not the person I want to get comic stylings from on a stage. She appealed to rude annoying women but even they've lost interest.

You have to identify with the performer and, usually, LIKE them. LIKE how they sound, LIKE how they look, and LIKE the comic truths they are telling. But if they sound and look bad, and aren't telling truths, or are just tossing softball cliche and dirty jokes, no thanks.

Some are insisting this is a "sexist" situation. Female comedians aren't being respected. Poor poor Amy.

What a crock. This is the best time for female comedians. They just haven't produced. Chelsea Handler was handed a late night gig, and loused it up. Samantha Bee's got one now, and she's doing better.

TV networks are desperate for "diversity," and would like nothing better than a flock of funny ladies. The fact is, there isn't even a bunch of funny men anymore. Stand-up is, like progrock or magic acts, is a stagnant art form. Everything's been said. We know how it's done. An opening monologue from Maher or Kimmel is plenty. To sit for a half hour or an hour and have some pest stand around with "observational" humor is worse than spending that time in a dentist's chair.

At one time, there were plenty of well-paid and successful female comedians. In the late 80's, when I was editing RAVE MAGAZINE, you could enjoy sharp, intelligent women such as Brett Butler, Rita Rudner and Ellen Degeneres. There was the old school yammering of Roseanne Barr, and her more outrageous and edgy rival Judy Tenuta. There was still Joan Rivers and even Phyllis Diller. Times have changed.

Even kooky oddballs of either sex are no longer much of a factor, and that would be Norm MacDonald for the men, and Sarah Silverman for the women. Both were amazing and offbeat. Now? Both are a bit predictable and appeal mostly to their cult following. That's unfortunately a problem with stand-up. Like magicians who do the same card tricks, comedians who just tell jokes had better tell damn good ones. Rodney Dangerfield always did. He paid for them. He worked them, and hard. He polished and prepared for every "Tonight Show" appearance. Few are willing to do that, and really, he had that "I get no respect" character to use as a baseball bat to drive the little shots out into the crowd.

Today's women have sometimes had to use the "Liberated Slut" persona as the way to turn heads and get butts into the seats. Silverman did it well, making it seem like she was just "out there," and not aware that some of her remarks were gross. But most were intentional, like Lisa Lampanelli, who managed to pepper her insult jokes with salty self-deprecating gags about her own desperate choices in bed. Getting laughs by making it seem like men simply can't handle a woman making demands and being promiscuous, included Margaret Cho and Kathy Griffin. But they did it as themselves.

Look at Schumer and that outfit. The end of Eddie Murphy as a comedian was when he turned up on stage wearing rock star outfits, and all-leather. You have to be a very powerful truth-teller to dress up as some kind of idol. Murphy was not that man. It stopped working for Dice Clay, too. After a while, the shock lessens and you better have good jokes. Murphy relied on "observational" gags and face-making and fortunately, moved on to movies. Clay ran out of dopey Mother Goose rhymes.

Need I even add that we're living in the Internet age? EVERYBODY is a comedian. Everyone Tweets jokes or wisecracks. Everyone tosses memes around. The workplace is full of "hilarious" office comics and quipsters. Late night has a half-dozen people offering monologues, so why go to a nightclub? There aren't many nightclubs still around.

As we've seen in the music world, there are many one-shot wonders. Female comics have it rough? Tell that to Dido. Tell that to K.T. Tunstall or Anna Nalick. You can have a brilliant debut album, and be a has been after the second one. Attention spans are short. People figure out your style very quickly and then move on.

Comedians succeed because they are either vulnerable with self-deprecating humor, or they are perceived as heroic truth-tellers. Amy Schumer is neither. Who is her audience? Pissed off women who are tired of being fat-shamed? Pudgy sluts who are tired of sleeping on the wet spot?

Amy Schumer, according to The Decider, may have had it. If her next movie tanks, she will be finished. Sorry, Amy, but unlike your cousin chuckle-less Chuck Schumer, you weren't voted in for six years. That's show biz.

The Sri Lanka Cartel: Their Goal is "DISRUPT" Book Sales and Royalties

Spawned on EBAY...the Sri Lanka cartel now has their own website.

Typical greedy rats, they don't want to pay a fee to EBAY for the bootleg books. They want it all for themselves. So they used eBay to build up customers and get publicity, enough to launch their own Internet business.

Yes, thanks to EBAY, the Sri Lanka cartel has stockpiled email addresses on EVERY PERSON WHO EVER BOUGHT FROM THEM; they are directing hundreds of thousands of customers to their new piracy site.

The emails begin like this:

How bold does it get?

Well, thanks to Amazon, Google, Ebay and Wikipedia, it can get very bold. Internet giants have, for over a decade, BLOCKED any new laws that would let copyright owners shut down rogue websites or let ISP's block the sites.

Ebay's coy "we're just a venue" means they don't HAVE to patrol their site and remove violations; just do it if the item is reported. They can take their time removing auctions, too, which gives them and their bootleggers extra revenue.

Ebay also has no fixed rule on when or IF a bootlegger gets suspended.

We've seen how billionaire "Kim Dotcom," rode Megaupload to glory and is STILL fighting extradition to America. Pirate Bay is still in business. Many bootleggers know that if they set up a website in a Communist country, and use "Google Wallet" and not PayPal, they can start raking in big money.

Let's take a closer look at the website run by somebody with the last name of Aravinda and its intent, libraryllc.com:

Yes, they take PAYPAL and CREDIT CARDS.

WHERE did all this come from?

Partly, it came from the neglect of assholes like Stephen King and George R.R. Martin and J.K. Rowling and R.L. Stine and pudgy E.L. James among others, who spend their time twittering on TWITTER or just puttering around the house, and ignoring anyone who contacts them and says "Send DMCA's to EBAY and stop the abuse."

Partly, it came from the neglect of asshole book publishers who either don't have a "report piracy" link on their websites, or are too cheap to even have an intern send in DMCA's. If they do anything, they rely on companies such as Digimarc who in my experience routinely ignore eBay reports submitted to them.

As a VeRO rep for various authors and celebrities, I've seen the Sri Lanka cartel's abuse and have tried to alert publishers and VeRO reps. Here's a typical email I got:

Dear Mr. Smith,

We appreciate the information you have been providing and we continue to take the appropriate steps to address those instances of copyright infringement. But you are not authorized to take enforcement measures on behalf of Penguin Random House or our publications, and should not be contacting Digimarc directly regarding our copyrighted works. Please immediately cease and desist from acting or advocating on behalf of those works. Thank you.

Best regards,

Andrea

It seems this publisher was only paying Digimarc to monitor CERTAIN books, or Digimarc was annoyed at hearing, "It's been a week since you allegedly sent in a DMCA. In my experience, eBay responds within 24 hours. Did you really send in a report? It's important to quash the Sri Lanka cartel, and they are thriving on these "Games of Thrones" bootlegs."

The result is that the Sri Lanka cartel was able to get over 100 different fake names on eBay, and while I was able to report them again and again (Ebay does have a rule against the sale of digital downloads) eBay remains slow to remove auctions and rarely suspends an account.

The Sri Lanka cartel rotates their identities to make sure no account gets suspended. If a new account gets warnings, they sneak back to use an older one. Only if an account gets enough warnings that a suspension is possible, do they abandon it entirely.

And now they've got enough customer emails and enough money to start their own website.

Will Penguin Random House sic DIGIMARC on them? Will it be up to the book companies that DO care about piracy and ARE responsive to warnings, to spend the money and time, so that both they AND lazier companies and authors are covered?

It is amazing that the book industry, which is supposed to be run by literate, SMART people, did not learn from the destruction of the music business and the record stores, and try to go after the pirates as soon as ePub and mobi and PDF files on books began appearing.

It is astonishing that while there's an RIAA for the record world, and "movie czar" Jack Valenti helped lobby and guide the film industry, the book world can't get it together. The book world has an anemic bunch of clods running pathetic writer's unions, and a bunch of dimwits, illiterates and fools in key executive positions. Some of them make more in a year than a hundred of the authors on their backlist. And they do NOTHING to earn that money. They are parasites.

Meanwhile, eBay is still a place where the Sri Lanka cartel prey on whatever book companies DON'T care, and whatever authors DON'T care.

The ads always state this is an email delivery of an ebook:

Anyone literate, anyone with a brain, can figure out all the buzz words in these ads and report the auctions. Most auctions even say "ebook" in the auction title, but if they don't, well, an experienced VeRO rep (such as me) can easily find them. The weak spot is that the sellers MUST explain to the bidder that for the bargain price, they are not getting a "real book" but a download.

Ebay bidders think these things are legit. Otherwise how could they be on fabulous eBay? Ebay bidders think the authors and publishers have somehow made deals, and are getting royalties. They are not.

But when Simon and Schuster offers $250,000 to some asshole named Milo, for a useless piece of provocateur garbage, it sends a message that all publishers and all authors are so rich they can throw money away. Yeah, big homely Stephen King ain't suffering much. He can sit on his ass and tweet-tweet-tweet. Flakey Joanne Fluke, who writes dopey "cozy mysteries" with cake and pie in the titles, has all the money she needs.

But a lot of authors are resorting to self-publishing, and a lot have day jobs because they'll take a $500 advance.

Meanwhile every day some members of the Sri Lanka cartel gather new bidders for off-eBay sales. Among the latest, here are their names and a sample auction number:

You'll see quite a few entries below, on the Sri Lanka cartel.

Let's hope that finally, "they've gone too far," and by contacting thousands of eBay bidders, and starting up this website, "appropriate action" will be taken.

Let's hope that the literate publishers start to understand how much MORE they can lose thanks to piracy. It isn't bad enough bookstores are disappearing? Authors can't make money autographing books? Amazon and eBay instantly have used copies of books available so that people don't have to buy a new one that gives the publisher and author a royalty? PIRACY has to be part of this, and the bold piracy from the Sri Lanka cartel?

I have given PayPal the names of the above sellers, and urged them to investigate all of them, and SHUT DOWN the accounts. This will help prevent them from getting on eBay. BUT...the main push should be coming from the publishers. It should also come from authors who, instead of Tweeting idiocy to their followers should be doing their part for their industry and their fellow authors. I know as a VeRO rep that even the cheapest and most compulsive eBay thieves give up when they get caught again and again, and when eBay makes them get an entirely new account with fresh contact information.

If a few publishers look into this website, they will find ways of removing it or cutting off the way they get paid.

And if more authors checked eBay once a week and filed DMCA's on their books, the Sri Lanka cartel would be history, like Rommel and Mengele.

We Live in a Political World

Honoring 50 Years of being Considered a One-Shot Wonder

Froggy the Gremlin's Latest Headlines - March 6

Alec Baldwin stole his Donald Trump impression from...who??

Alec Baldwin was on Kimmel's show last night. With Trump refusing to appear at the Washington D.C. White House Correspondent's Dinner, the question was: would they get revenge and have Baldwin turn up as Trump?

Baldwin said he wasn't "lobbying" for it, but he wouldn't turn it down. He mentioned that he was getting heat from other Trump impersonators "on the Internet," who were insisting they did a better Trump than he did.

Alec didn't name names, but it seemed that some pundits (or runners) figured he was referring to Comedy Central's version of Trump, Anthony Atamanuik.

Anthony took this free publicity grab to start a Twitter war with Baldwin. And why not. Who ever heard of Anthony Atamnuik? Aside from once having Stewart and Colbert, Comedy Central only matters to forlorn laff-nerds. It's been a long time since the channel's spring-boarded a comedian to any level of fame. (Greg Giraldo died in 2010).

Tweeting at Baldwin seems similar to the paps invading Baldwin's privacy on the street and goading him with insults. Only by now Alec's smartened up. Baldwin gave a few dismissive wisecracks and moved on. Good for him. Bad for those who want to blame their obscurity on SNL politics or Comedy Central being harder to find on anyone's cable list chart than Korean language variety shows, public access or re-runs of "Wyatt Earp."

Fact is...who does the "best" Trump depends on your definition. You know, like Bill Clinton asking for a definition of "sexual relationship." Or the word "the."

Is the "best" Trump the guy who looks the most like Donald? It sure isn't the guy who sounds the most like him; everyone can talk like Donald (including me). Is the best Trump the one who is the most grotesque caricature?

You might recall David Frye doing the most gruesome and acidic sketch Richard Nixon, while Rich Little was a much less offensive and milder cartoon.

If you want my opinion as a comedy expert (author of"Who's Who in Comedy" and "Stars of Stand-Up" among others) and editor of "Rave" (which Carlin said was to comedy what the Wall Street Journal was to business), it comes down to TWO.

Darryl Hammond is the best "real" Trump, for looking so much like him, and getting the mannerisms down.

Alec Baldwin is the best "caricature" Trump, and it's not even close. In fact, the others (yes, that's the puppy, Jimmy Fallon along with Anthony) are, to swipe a MASH phrase, "incredibly average."

The idea that somebody STOLE the Trump impression is more laughable than any jokes in the Comedy Central or "Tonight Show" hack-routines. He's too damn EASY. The hardest part is getting somebody to make a Trump wig for you.

If you want to talk about stealing, talk about the Ed Sullivan impression Will Jordan came up with.

He was the original. He broke the code. He even invented "bits of business" that Sullivan didn't do (the tie grab, the spin, the knuckle-crack). Once Jordan created his Ed Sullivan, other comics "did" Jordan's Ed Sullivan, including Jack Carter.

Suddenly it was easy to do Ed Sullivan. When George Carlin decided to do Sullivan for a bit, he even acknowledged that he wasn't doing Ed Sullivan, he was doing an impression of somebody else doing Ed Sullivan (he said he was doing the John Byner Sullivan more than the Will Jordan Ed Sullivan...but still, he admitted it was an impression of an impression).

Bottom line, and thanks for still caring about this, it's entirely possible for several people to come up with a similar impression (go claim Fallon stole from the Comedy Central guy!).

While there has been classic joke thievery (Don Adams on Jackie Mason, for example) sometimes a bunch of people come up with the same basic joke at the same time. It's the worry of all the late night hosts...that a topical wisecrack is going to be similar as one on a rival show.

Check out The New Yorker's weekly "cartoon caption contest," and you'll see dozens of entries using almost the same punch line. Did they all steal it? No, it was so damn obvious, DOZENS came up with it.

Alec's Trump is actually far more unique than his predecessors. His trademark is the gaping-wide mouth and thrust-out jaw, which is pretty much an invention. Trump doesn't even do that. Trump pouts. He's tight-lipped. His mouth frowns. He doesn't leave it hanging open like he just dropped a bowl of hot soup in his lap.

What ISN'T funny is that Trump is doing things that are beyond snickering or giggling over. Has any Trump impressionist done a hilarious joke about how Donald put in an order allowing any mental case to buy a gun? Trump did that the other day. A little NRA favor.

The fact is, what happens or doesn't happen at a dopey dinner held by reporters who cover the White House, will be forgotten the next day. Anyone out there have a copy of ANY CNN broadcast of ANY of these hilarious dinners? Even the Obama dinner where all the jokes were heaved at Trump seated at one of the tables?

By contrast, what Trump does becomes law. It becomes policy. Its reverberations are felt around the world.

Froggy the Gremlin Finishes the March 2nd News

Was it Fat Tuesday and Ash Wednesday...or

Ash Tuesday and Fat Wednesday?