(Spike Milligan's tombstone has the line "I Told You I Was Sick.") SICK humor folks....

If the Pandemic Happened in 1968... RUTH BUZZI and RAQUEL WELCH

"I Want to see Good Acting" - We went to see SHIRLEY KNIGHT

Whem going to Broadway shows with my friend Julie Newmar, the most important thing wasn't the spectacle, or being seen at the "hottest ticket in town." It didn't matter if it was a play or a musical, a comedy or a drama.

Julie knew her line, and I had it memorized:

"I want to see good acting!"

So it was, that we sometimes went off-Broadway rather than the Great White Way itself. We walked out at intermission on a play starring a TV legend, with Julie hoping that we could latch onto the second half of something better. We ended up at a revival of an Oscar Wilde production. As a few dozen intermission smokers made their way back inside, Julie said to the awed, perplexed guy at the door, "We were at another show, and it wasn't very good. Can we come in and see your play?"

He nodded, and found us a pair of empty seats. The Wilde show didn't have a famous name in the cast. What it had, however, was good acting.

Shirley Knight was a good actress. Like Julie, she sought out the masters who could teach her how to be superb at her craft. Knight's mentors included three of the best in the business: Jeff Corey, Lee Strasberg and Uta Hagen. She trained at the Actors Studio, and after "We Have Always Lived in a Castle," she won a Tony for her Marilyn Monroe-influenced turn in "Kennedy's Children."

Julie of course, followed "Lil Abner" with her Tony-award winning part in "Marriage-Go-Round."

"I want to see good acting..." led us to to the Goodman Theatre one night. Horton Foote's "The Young Man from Atlanta" was on the boards, and it featured Rip Torn (who passed on last year) and Shirley Knight, who left us only days ago.

Julie is right; sometimes the most exciting and memorable thing about a play is the acting. You might not remember a line of dialogue, or recall the twist ending that literally brought down the curtain and triggered applause. Instead, you leave with the emotional satisfaction of seeing a great performance.

I don't remember much about Horton Foote's play, but I do remember that Shirley Knight and Rip Torn were brilliant. Afterwards, Julie said, "Let's go backstage." It wasn't out of show-biz friendship. I don't think she'd ever even met Rip Torn before. She said, "it's what you do," if you're also a thespian, and you want to give the highest compliment possible. It's sort of like "my compliments to the chef," but instead of to the waiter, you go back and tell the chef. Shirley was nominated for a Tony for "The Young Man from the South." After seeing Shirley Knight in a production of "A Streetcar Named Desire," Tennessee Williams wrote a play just for her: "A Lovely Sunday at Creve Coeur."

While many performers find their greatest satisfaction on the stage, and the bond between the performer and the viewer is strongest that way, some of their finest work at least remains preserved via film. Shirley Knight was twice nominated for an Oscar, for "Dark at the Top of the Stairs" and "Sweet Bird of Youth," and was critically acclaimed for "Dutchman," and "The Rain People" (Francis Ford Coppola wrote it envisioning Shirley). She also won Emmy awards for television work, and was called upon for everything from "The Outer Limits" to "NYPD Blue" and "Desperate Housewives."

Shirley Knight was not the most famous actress, but she didn't care much about fame itself. She said, "Many people who are very famous are ridiculous. I mean, look at the Kardashians. There are people walking around who don't know who The Beatles were. If you think your food is you want to be famous, you're going to starve to death. Your food has to be that you want to do good work and you want to become better at what you do.

She was better at what she did than quite a lot of more famous TV and movie stars. Some people want to go to a show to see somebody famous, like a TV star with limited live acting experience. Others, like Julie Newmar, say "I want to see good acting." Good acting: SHIRLEY KNIGHT.

Wikipedia -- your HORSE obit didn't mention COVID-19

We all know Wikipedia is ridiculous and unreliable. It's also the website that faithfully adds OBITUARIES for every racehorse that keels over.

This comes under the heading of DEATHS of "notable individuals."

Wikipedia promises to deliver the NAME, AGE, and COUNTRY OF CITIZENSHIP of these "notable individuals," and "cause of death..."

Wikipedia, your line for the "notable individual" known as MIGHT AND POWER, a racehorse in New Zealand, did NOT list "cause of death."

PS, are you positive the racehorse actually WAS a "citizen" of New Zealand?

These days, the important Wikipedia news about the deaths of "notable individuals" that most people never heard of, usually includes the words COVID-19.

Are we sure that poor MIGHT AND POWER wasn't munching on a raw bat?

Are we sure that poor MIGHT AND POWER didn't get sneezed on on by some careless, COVID-19-infected jockey?

Why isn't there a cause of death for this "notable individual?" Don't "notable individuals" generally call for a doctor when ill, or have a doctor or coroner confirm there wasn't foul play?

MIGHT AND POWER last won a significant (if you're in New Zealand, maybe) race 22 years ago. Is it possible somebody who bet on a different horse waited to get even? Why is it that Wikipedia isn't being as thorough about this "notable individual" as it is for the famous Mr. Chera and the famous Mr. Conway, both affirmed to have died of COVID-19? Then there's the famous Mexican video game journalist (you've heard of him?) who died of lung cancer.

NO "cause of death" for "notable individual" MIGHT AND POWER, a proud CITIZEN of New Zealand? No wonder Wikipedia's got such a horseshit reputation for facts, even when flogging a dead horse. No better, dip wiks, or the next time you whine for $3 donations, I'll continue to IGNORE YOU.

MORT SAHL? JACKIE MASON? THE LAST COMEDIANS AREN'T STANDING...

"Say, that COVID-19 virus, ain't that something?"

There was a time when, for the sake of sanity, you could tune in some comedy in times of tragedy. Bob Hope might offer a topical line. Johnny Carson became "King of Late Night" by asking "what's in the news..."

Are the middle-aged, popular comedians joking about the current epidemic? No and yes. Tuesday night, Stephen Colbert broadcasting without an audience had a message for Trump: "Everyone just wants to know the truth, 'cause that's how you stay alive. So grow up and do your damn job."

Last Friday, Bill Maher (also performing without a live audience) admitted:

"It is getting a little grim around here, I have to admit. Yesterday the highlight of my day was wiping down the mailman. My stalker was working from home! But thank you Jesus, I have no symptoms -- unless you count shitting my pants every time Trump talks."

A comedian's job is never that easy, and it's not easy, finding a way to joke about the virus. Do we NEED jokes about it? Yes, as a safety valve. No doubt some are thinking, "If only George Carlin was around..." Some are wondering about the guys even older than George.

The "last men standing" COULD be on YouTube, uploading a few minutes of "between you and me" remarks, but isn't it time they took it easy? In the case of Mort Sahl, the decision was made without him. In the case of Jackie Mason, he still does interviews and that's all.

Mort's authorized biography was titled "Last Man Standing," but he's not standing, or even sitting. Thanks to Covid-19, the "theater" (more like an area of the lobby) where he was "live streaming" an hour a week, has shut down. The weekly Thursday 7pm event began with him already seated, and hoping the venue's Best Buy camcorder could pick up what he was saying and stream it properly to Parachute, some haven for mostly vainglorious amateurs who have a need to be chatty.

Would he be talking about the virus now? If he turned up on YouTube for a few minutes, which could certainly be done, he'd probably be chortling about something he claimed Haig told him 40 years ago. Fans would be glad for even that.

Is Mort really the "last man standing" and offering humor? He probably was. He was born May 11, 1927. Shecky Greene was born April 8, 1926, but isn't performing. Neither is Norm Crosby (born September 15, 1927). Jackie Mason (June 9, 1928) is officially retired, but only from the stage. Recently, with Passover the topic, rather than the virius, he gave an interview to the "Times of Israel" website. You can read it over here . A few quotes from it are below.

Jackie was not exactly cracking jokes; he was commenting on the continuing violence and anti-Semitism against Jews all over the world. This includes the continued attacks from the Palestinians, and the grotesque way it's sanctioned by BDS warriors and anti-Semites.

In times of crisis, you do tend to want to hear from people you know, and get their take. Even if the person is elderly, well, they still have wisdom, right? And maybe some ironic humor. So it's nice to see that Jackie Mason, is still quotable. I've spent many hours with him. I've spent many more with Mort, and really, even if he didn't talk Trump or Covid-19, it would be nice to see him sit and ramble about anything he felt like talking about, even Haig. Too bad the theater is closed, just as nightclubs are, and the venues where late night TV is taped. Bill Maher, whom I've had some limited hours with, not recently, is probably the most important comic voice we have during these miserable times. Colbert (no, never met the guy) has remarkably pushed the puppy Fallon out of #1 and shown that topical humor can still matter in this world.

As for the Sam Kinison-type of un-PC "release valve" humor that some people need...that type of stand-up has been crippled. At best, bad-taste memes circulate in forums and on Facebook pages. No real comedian, hoping to make a living, is going to take credit for any of it. That includes the meme that declares, "If you think one person can't change the world, check out whoever ate an undercooked bat."

If you're wondering about the reaction of a few other 90-ish funnymen, regarding the virus, well...there's Bob Newhart (September 5, 1929) and Mel Brooks (June 28, 1926). Bob recorded a spot for WGN radio, which you can find here. Mel Brooks appears in a "distancing" spot narrated by his son Max. YouTube has it HERE.

Bob Dylan "Murder Most Foul" song inspires MISS MARPLE to INVESTIGATE!!

Hello? Mr. Stringer?

Jane Marple here!

I've some STARTLING news, dear! After over 55 years of research, Bob Dylan has concluded that the death of John F. Kennedy was...

...now get ready for a shock...

...are you prepared?

MURDER MOST FOUL!

Yes. I know. It's a shock. It's not just murder, mind you, but MURDER MOST FOUL.

That Bob Dylan can certainly turn a phrase. MURDER MOST FOUL.

I've never heard THAT expression before!

Hold on, Mr. Stringer. Bob Dylan's written a 17 minute song full of CLUES. Yes. More clues than you'll find in "American Pie," my dear. All we have to do is sift through them! Then we'll know WHO DONE IT.

Oh, no, no, Bob Dylan isn't saying who done it. That's for US to determine. Oh, this will be almost as much fun as the "PAUL IS DEAD" clues. Shall I give you some?

Oh that lad, his lyrics, he writes them as fast as a "Hurricane." Let me see...

"Being led to the slaughter like a sacrificial lamb
He said, "Wait a minute, boys, you know who I am?"
"Of course we do, we know who you are"
Then they blew off his head while he was still in the car"

Oh my Sweet Jesus, I had no idea the assassins talked to President Kennedy before he was killed. This is a revelation! Mr. Stringer, here's MORE....

"The day they blew out the brains of the king
Thousands were watching, no one saw a thing....
Wolfman, oh wolfman, oh wolfman howl
Rub-a-dub-dub, it's a murder most foul..."

I know, Mr. Stringer, I thought that fellow Walter Cronkite reported it rather quickly on the telly, but apparently Bob Dylan knows better. No one saw a thing, and there was nobody taking 8mm film of it. Now what do you make of the worst incident in America in the 20th Century being referred to as "rub-a-dub-dub?" This must be a CODE of some kind. And WOLFMAN. Well, I think Lon Chaney Jr. was still alive in 1963, but perhaps not in Dallas? Here's more...

"Hush, little children, you'll understand
The Beatles are comin', they're gonna hold your hand
Slide down the banister, go get your coat
Ferry 'cross the Mersey and go for the throat
There's three bums comin' all dressed in rags
Pick up the pieces and lower the flags
I'm going to Woodstock, it's the Aquarian Age
Then I'll go to Altamont and sit near the stage
Put your head out the window, let the good times roll
There's a party going on behind the Grassy Knoll"

What's that, Mr. Stringer?

Oh, Bob Dylan seems to be saying that The Beatles were part of the conspiracy to forget about this "Murder Most Foul," and that people went to Woodstock a few years later, and...

Dylan? No, he did not write about the assassination, Phil Ochs did.

No, no, Mr. Stringer, he did NOT go to Woodstock. He stopped writing protest songs and sang about apple dumplings and the Nashville skyline and things. Yes, at "Big Pink" and in Tennessee somewhere. No, I have NO idea why he wasn't singing about conspiracy theories, or reading Mark Lane or anything. But NOW he's on the case, Mr. Stringer, and SO ARE WE. His clues are FASCINATING.

He's mentioned the GRASSY KNOLL. Nobody's done THAT before! Here's more:

"When you're down in Deep Ellum, put your money in your shoe
Don't ask what your country can do for you
Cash on the ballot, money to burn
Dealey Plaza, make a left-hand turn
I'm going down to the crossroads, gonna flag a ride
The place where faith, hope, and charity died
Shoot him while he runs, boy
Shoot him while you can
See if you can shoot the invisible man
Goodbye, Charlie
Goodbye, Uncle Sam
Frankly, my Scarlet, I don't give a damn"

Ah yes, Mr. Stringer, Bob Dylan IS a bit like Mother Goose. Rub-a-dub-dub, sir! Now who is "Deep Ellum?" And why do you put money in your shoe?

Apparently, unknown till Bob Dylan's song, President Kennedy was running when he was shot. "Shoot him while he runs, boy," you see.

Am I taking it too literally? Lord knows, anything Bob Dylan does, we should make excuses for. If he writes too quickly, well, what can I say? The sun's not yellow, it's chicken!

Now then Mr. Stringer, this incident happened in Dallas, Texas, not in Atlanta, Georgia? Well, that's no reason NOT to reference "Gone With the Wind." It must be another clue for us all. Next thing you know, it will turn out the walrus is Paul. Shall I quote more?

"What is the truth, and where did it go?
Ask Oswald and Ruby, they oughta know
"Shut your mouth, " said the wise old owl
Business is business, and it's a murder most foul
Tommy, can you hear me?
I'm the Acid Queen

Yes, Mr. Stringer. Bob Dylan is suggesting that the conspiracy theory MAY have something to do with these fellows Oswald and Ruby. It's the first time they've ever been mentioned, correct? Wise Mr. Dylan knows it all, but he's not telling us. He's just giving us clues. WE have to figure it out.

What's that? He might be referencing Oswald the Rabbit and the ruby slippers from the Wizard of Oz? Well, I don't know what that has to do with the assassination, but you could be right, as Bob Dylan is also referencing a rock opera by "The Who" and of course, "The Acid Queen." No, no, NOT RuPaul, for GOODNESS sake. We MUST take Bob Dylan seriously. More? Oh, all right.

Here's where Bob Dylan is quoting the last words of President Kennedy:

"You got me dizzy, Miss Lizzy
You filled me with lead
That magic bullet of yours has gone to my head
I'm just a patsy like Patsy Cline."

JFK is saying he's just a patsy like Patsy Cline!

Ha ha ha! We can't say Bob Dylan has lost his sense of humor. "That magic bullet of yours has gone to my head." That's rather funny, even if this IS "murder most foul."

What's that? We don't know if Bob Dylan is quoting JFK's last words, or making them up? Oh, that Bob Dylan is tricky! I think somebody should write another 300 or 500 page book on him, and JUST cover how tricky he can be.

What? No, "Im just a patsy like Patsy Cline" was the end of what MIGHT be a quote from Kennedy with his brains in Jackie's lap.

No, I don't think he has JFK telling Jackie, "throw your panties overboard." No, he didn't drop any reference to Alicia Keyes, either. There's a limit, Mr. Stringer, a limit. I believe it's minus zero, but I could be wrong.

"What's new, pussycat?
What'd I say?
I said the soul of a nation been torn away"

Ahh, Mr. Stringer! The murder happened in November of 1963, but it's only in April of 2020, that we can safely say that this was MURDER MOST FOUL, and a rather traumatic experience. Before Bob Dylan, though, nobody could express properly the idea that "the soul of a nation been torn away." I think it's possible, perhaps in 20 years, that Bob Dylan might do a song about 9/11. But you never know with a genius like this. He may write about the death of McKinley instead.

You know, Mr. Stringer, it's important NOT to only offer clues on WHO may have killed this fellow, it's important to drop MUSICAL REFERENCES. Why not? Oh, he's got 17 minutes! What else could he do? Mention the mafia, or Cuba or the CIA? More important to mention Etta James, don't you think? Also perhaps reference a Billy Joel song. No, not that "FIRE" thing, the one about Catholic girls. And this Wolfman fellow, again:

"Wolfman Jack, he's speaking in tongues
He's going on and on at the top of his lungs
Play me a song, Mr. Wolfman Jack
Play it for me in my long Cadillac
Play me that "Only the Good Die Young"
Take me to the place Tom Dooley was hung
Play "St. James Infirmary" and "The Port of King James"
If you want to remember, you better write down the names
Play Etta James, too
Play "I'd Rather Go Blind"
Play it for the man with the telepathic mind
Play John Lee Hooker
Play "Scratch My Back"
Play it for that strip club owner named Jack."

Too much?

Well, this IS the fellow who nearly wrote the entire side of an album about Joey Gallo, and Lord knows, that was even more important than getting around to Kennedy. No, it wasn't MURDER MOST FOUL, though. Definitely not. They had to "blow him away" but it wasn't foul. Perhaps the clams marinara was.

MORE, Mr. Stringer? Well, all right...

"Play "Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood"
Play it for the First Lady, she ain't feeling any good
Play Don Henley
Play Glenn Frey
Take it to the limit and let it go by
Play it for Karl Wirsum, too...
Play Oscar Peterson
Play Stan Getz
Play "Blue Sky"
Play Dickey Betts
Play Hot Pepper, Thelonious Monk
Charlie Parker and all that junk
All that junk and "All That Jazz"
Play something for the Birdman of Alcatraz
Play Buster Keaton
Play Harold Lloyd
Play Bugsy Siegel
Play Pretty Boy Floyd...

I do agree with Bob Dylan, that after your husband has been shot through the head while seated next to you, hearing Eric Burdon singing IS the best way to stop you from "ain't feeling any good."

Yes, Mr. Stringer, Buster Keaton and Harold Lloyd. If we're talking about one of the greatest unsolved crimes in American history, we can't leave out the opportunity to watch some slapstick 1920's comedy hijinks. Both of those fellows were very clever, you know.

Play it for Lindsey and Stevie Nicks
Play Nat King Cole
Play "Nature Boy"
Play "Down In The Boondocks" for Terry Malloy

No, Mr. Stringer, I'm not sure WHO Terry Malloy is, but I don't think you can possibly concentrate on studying the various conspiracy theories without having "Down in the Boondocks" playing over the loudspeakers. Loudly. Shall we cut to the ENDING?

"Play "Moonlight Sonata" in F-sharp
And "A Key to the Highway" for the king on the harp
Play "Marching Through Georgia" and "Dumbaroton's Drums"
Play darkness and death will come when it comes
Play "Love Me Or Leave Me" by the great Bud Powell
Play "The Blood-stained Banner"
Play "Murder Most Foul"

Well, there you are. We've got a SONG, over 55 years after it happened.

That's just the genius of Bob Dylan. He reminds us of things everybody's forgotten.

He's not, of course, giving us all the answers, just telling us to join the scavenger hunt and study his lyrics. You know, "When you gonna wake up." That kind of thing. Everyone needs a good kick in the arse, sometime. What? Piers Morgan? Most definitely, but let's stay on topic, Mr. Stringer! We must be like Bob Dylan; disciplined, well-researched, and skilled at editing down to the essentials!

One thing we must agree on...the average murder is nothing at all. It might not even be foul.

As for the assassination of Kennedy, Bob Dylan is reminding us of something that perhaps everyone has forgotten about? He's underlined that this particular murder was "most foul."

No, Mr. Stringer, I don't know how you define "foul." Smells like dead chicken?

The important thing is that now that Bob Dylan's dashed off a tune, we acknowledge every clue in it, and be thankful that, finally, somebody's had the courage to call the incident what it is:

MURDER MOST FOUL. (Abraham Lincoln's death? No, not foul. More like bad theater, I suppose.

Oh no, Mr. Stringer, I'm SURE that's an original Bob Dylan phrase.