HOW DAVID JONES became DAVID BOWIE

"They're not going to make a Monkee out of me," David Jones joked. The Brit from Brixton was referring to Davy Jones, popular lead singer.

And so the budding superstar and spaceman thought about a new last name.

One of his favorite movies was "The Alamo." He thought about how he could create a new image, and wear an exciting new outfit if he was...

His manager said, "Hold that thought. "The Alamo" was a good picture, but the Yanks lost to Santa-Anna. Everybody was killed, including Bowie, Crockett and Travis. Is there another old movie or vintage star that has influenced you?

David Jones thought about it. He imagined...

His manager scoffed: "Too Ian Whitcomb, my dear. Try again. Think about a movie star you'd LOVE to emulate!"

David thought about it.

"Maybe you could get away with that in a few years, but not NOW," the manager said.

David Jones went back to his original idea of copping a name from "The Alamo" movie.

Crockett!

No, there already was a David Crockett, wasn't there?

BOWIE! THAT'S IT!

And so it was. Really. Not so much because of Jim Bowie but the actor who played him: the thin, sandy-haired but often psychopathic Richard Widmark.

Widmark...angular, cruel, sexy...and he sure did cut it as Jim Bowie.

And that's pretty much how David Jones became David Bowie.

Give or take a Photoshop or two. Or three.

"David Bowie!" If he'd just named himself afer the film, he could've been "David Alamo." He could've chosen another movie from that era and become "David Psycho."

Or "David Exodus?" Hmmm, too Jewish.

Over the years, David Bowie would make himself over into other identities, like Ziggy Stardust, Aladdin Sane, and The Thin White Duke. Not to mention Anthony Newley.

Upon his death, various unlikely stars, from Madonna to Marilyn Manson instantly drew the spotlight to themselves by declaring, "If it wasn't for David Bowie, I wouldn't be here."

Sad, isn't it? They should be honest and name themselves Madonna Bowie and Marilyn Manson Bowie. And let everyone know the name goes back to Jim Bowie...so that those two might be overrun by angry Mexican soldiers and put out of our misery.

Maybe CHARLIE HEBDO, like BOBBY FRANKS, is Snotty

Funny, when I saw the latest CHARLIE HEBDO cartoon, I didn't think it was funny.

But I did think it showed guts. I did think it was in the Lenny Bruce tradition.

Lenny joked that Bobby Franks might've been "snotty." (He was the little boy kidnapped and killed by Leopold and Loeb; the joke being told many decades after the event).

Charlie Hebdo figured a Syrian kid who drowned while trying to migrate to Europe, might've grown up to be, if not a gang-rapist, an ass-grabber.

"Sick Humor" as a term, was popularized by Time Magazine in putting down Lenny Bruce, Shelley Berman and other new-wave comedians. In the piece, Time referred to Berman's acne-scarred face as resembling "a hastily sculpted meatball." But hey, that's not sick humor. That's factual reporting.

Handsome Lenny Bruce was simply attacked as some kind of fiend, a charge also tossed at Harvey Kurtzman (editor of the comic book version of Mad, which was published by the same "horrible" publisher who was corrupting children with "Tales from the Crypt" comics...which led to the demand for a censorship "code.")

So what's the problem here? That a Charlie Hebdo cartoonist dares suggest that, like so many refugees who actually emigrated to loot, rob and rape, that Syrian kid might've grown up to be an ass-grabber? How about the natural-born kids in England, France, Germany, America and elsewhere who had hard-working immigrant parents but chose to rebel and join ISIS?

It seems to me that there's no difference between Lenny's delibrately blunt gag about Bobby Franks as this cartoon about a kid who drowned. PS, we're talking about known provocateurs. The cartoon wasn't in The New Yorker and the comedian isn't Bob Newhart.

What's hilarious is The New York Post using the term "sick."

Rupert Murdoch's paper regularly gives us photos of mutilated faces and worse, naked pictures of Kardashian's fat ass.

Rupert's paper still pats itself on the back for that "headless body found in topless bar" headline. Nyuk nyuk! How hilarious, finding humor in somebody getting killed. But that wasn't "sick" humor.

Or was it?

Comedy is often a Realist's way of saying "wise up." It's a slap at sentimentality.

Steve Allen noted this formula "tragedy + time = comedy." I spoke to him often about such matters, and also to other comics. Joey Adams once told me time can be shortened simply by "devastating" the right target.

Groucho could insult the dowager Margaret Dumont. The Three Stooges could throw a watermelon at a cop. Laurel could poke Hardy in the eye. If they deserve it THE TIME IS NOW! If they don't (think about Carson's legendary "too soon?" grimace when a Lincoln joke bombed) all the time in the world can't help.

So maybe the world's a better place without Bobby Franks or that Syrian kid who was part of a mob that included terrorists and criminals trying to catch a boat to a land full of patsies?

That's cruel comedy, but it's also remarking on the human condition. Do you think Lenny walked around kicking kids? He raised one, you know. You think the Hebdo cartoonist heckles anyone in a burqa and refuses to watch an old movie if Omar Sharif is in it?

Outraged "Tweets" (a comical image itself) have declared the cartoon sick (could be), offensive (could be) and racist (probably not). These "Tweets" have not acknowledged that, like a lot of definitely sick and racist humor, it serves as a safety valve for people frustrated and angry and needing some kind of essentially harmless release.

Few people hammer a friend in the head, or poke a friend in the eye. But the impulse is purged by seeing Moe do it to Curly.

Lenny Bruce, on Steve Allen's show, once listed words that offended him. One was "segregation."

What offends ME, is pompous jerks who think they earn points by bitching about a Charlie Hebdo cartoon. What else do you idiots do? You print out your Tweet and show it to the Muslim cab driver? "Hey, look what I said on Twitter. I defended you!" Right. As long as he's driving a cab and not marrying your sister.

The Charlie Hebdo office, which was once bombed into charcoal by Muslim terrorists, dares to be impudent?

Charlie Hebdo's editorial team should've held a meeting about this.

What? Some of them aren't around because Muslim terrorists shot them down?

Right now, some self-righteous kneejerk assholes are Tweeting about how "sick" and awful the Charlie Hebdo cartoon is.

They are also casting a blind eye to the problem that led to the cartoon, which is ingrate immigrants and psychotic religious fanatics.

One of the few comedians in the Lenny Bruce tradition, Bill Maher, continues to insist that the only religion producing terrorists on a world scale is ISLAM.

Oooh, sick guy.

What, the 9/11 squad were Muslim? How about what happened after that? 7/7 when dozens of British innocents got their heads blown off and their faces burned because of a Muslim attack? Spain, anyone? Nigeria? Paris? San Bernardino?

Why what a coincidence, that the only true racism in the world is from organized Muslim terrorists. FUNNY, isn't it?

The only other terrorism I can think of is from the savage drug cartels, but if you are a corrupt official in Mexico, you could be Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Buddhist or Druid and get nothing but a pat on the back and a Cuban cigar. If you oppose them, you could be the most pious Catholic, and still get killed. They even kill women. Gosh. Women, who as we all know, should be treated properly, and be veiled and not allowed to vote or drive a car.

Where was I?

Oh, right. The latest Charlie Hebdo controversy. Jeez, what a shock. An outrageous cartoon in Charlie Hebdo. Who'd a thunk? That's like Howard Stern using a bad word on the radio. Wow. Let's all get on our hind legs and write a letter in the Times about it. Or better yet...TWEET.

Meanwhile, people are getting blown up and terrorized all over the world. And, yes, innocent women in Germany are being assaulted on the street by immigrants, and a French magazine gave a little jab to the ribs about it. Did it make me laugh? No. It made me nod slightly that they had a point. Headlines about gang-rape don't make me laugh either, and if there's a point to why gang-rape should be tolerated in Germany, in India, or anywhere, because of sexist psychotic beliefs or religious beliefs...I am not laughing.