Zoe Kravitz - and the Not so Hot "Rolling Stone" issue

It's embarrassing, the new cover of Rolling Stone:

It's embarrassing...to realize I still have a subscription.

It's not my idea. For years, it's existed on $5 a year bargain offers. In fact, the last one was $2 a year, as a "reward" for something or other. I was offered three magazines at $2 each. So, yeah, maybe Matt would have a good poitical expose, and fan-boy Rob a good pop culture piece, and maybe there will be an interview with somebody I've heard of...yeah. OK.

But the $2 offer expired, and I went to cancel, and I was told, "How would you like to extend it, free?"

Free? You mean, like free music downloads? The ones that Rolling Stone doesn't think are hurting the music business, and so they've never written an article about it?

THIS is what I get. A half-baked picture of some babe I never heard of, with a trendy first name (and a NOT so trendy last one. Really, is there a name UGLIER than Kravitz? Why do you suppose they used it for the obnoxious neighbor on "Bewitched?").

I thought the "Hot" issue was going to be full of HOT singers and actresses. Oh, but they already did the fabulous Cardi B., and Kesha is now a tragic figure and NOT to be exploited. And Joni Mitchell would be unseemly. Carly, too. Stevie, too.

I was told that Zoe's "big break" was being in an "X Men" movie in 2011. Oh, so THAT's where I haven't heard from her from.

Sorry, with all deference to the late Stan Lee, I don't give a damn about MARVEL COMIC BOOK MOVIES. Not a one. In fact, the last time I was interested in a guy playing a superhero, George Reeves didn't have a bullet hole in his head.

As my dismay and confusion led me AWAY from the NOT-SO-HOT cover, I was confronted with the opening editorial page, which let me know that the brilliant Rolling Stone has aped a previous pose from...Zoe Kravitz's mommy. Ah. And who is that?

Lisa Bonet. There's a forgotten name.

Not a forgotten pose. The ridiculous "I've just discovered I have breasts, and YOU can't see" pose is an old standard. It went out with the 1958 issue of Nugget.

Come on, Rolling Stone. You can have a cutie-pie portrait of a MURDERER on your cover (the Boston Marathon bomber) so a pair of BREASTS wouldn't hurt. What, the publisher is GAY or something?

Come on, Jann, as little as you apparently know of the female anatomy, it IS possible to create an erotic image without having the woman clutch herself like she's trying to perform a lump exam.

By the way, Lisa Bonet DOES have nipples. I've seen them.

OK, I lied. I can only confirm she has A NIPPLE. I've seen IT.

Back in the days when I was working for photo agencies, and Lisa was a pain in the butt, she appeared somewhere or other, and made sure to wear a catchy outfit for her photo opp. While a lot of the other photographers were muttering to each other, "Who is she," and others refused to tell (ha ha, the better to get an EXCLUSIVE), a few of us came forward...and were taken aback.

"Er, she's got a funny top hat on, and some kind of schmatta of white lace stuff, but her NIPPLE is exposed. Do we tell her??"

Very awkward situation for male photographers: "We'd like to take your photo Lisa, but your tit is showing. Mind if you fix your blouse?"

There was one female photographer among us, her first name beginning with R., who had a strange face that had one eye higher than the other. It might've been some kind of occupational hazard from squinting into a lens so much.

We explained the problem to her, and she knew just what to do.

She walked over, mentioned who she was with, and took a WHOLE BUNCH OF PHOTOS of Lisa and her nipple. I think she sold a bunch to the men's mags of the day. Sans her byline, of course.

She had Lisa bend over slightly for one final picture, and then grandly announced, drawing closer, something like, "Oh, that last pose, your breast is exposed too much...re-button your blouse." Lisa did so, and then we all walked over to snap our pictures.

But I digress. Except that any pictures we took that day were sexier than this dumb shot of Lisa staring off with a "what happened to my bra" look on her face.

There are ways of looking sexy and ways of just looking stupid (contrary to Hedy Lamarr's infamous quote). No, Hay-deee (as she pronounced it), looking like you'll fall into bed with anyone because you just had a lobotomy isn't ALWAYS that attractive.

Just why, of all the women in America, the editors chose Zoe Kravitz for the cover, I have no idea. Maybe she's making another MARVEL COMIC BOOK MOVIE or something. The article mentioned her famous father (the one whose albums are in every dollar bin in the city) said he didn't help her in using her famous last name, she only got her an agent. The rest was up to her, her talent, her hard work, and how well she could grip her boobs.

Kind of ironic, isn't it, that the PC brigade has made sure the "Miss America" contest doesn't have a SWIMSUIT competition anymore, but for an ACTRESS to get attention in Rolling Stone, she has to stick an apple in her mouth, grab her tits, and look like an utter fool.

Just how ridiculous are the rest of the pictures?

Take a look. Maybe part of the problem is a MAN didn't take the pictures. They were not only taken by another woman, but another ZOE. This one is a ZOEY.

HOT?

I suppose she IS hot, technically. What's the deal, it's August and she couldn't afford air conditioning?

Maybe it's not supposed to be HOT, but, you know, the metrosexual pronunciation of the word: HAWT.

Maybe it's HAWT (and even fierce) that Zoe went over to the sauna at the Health and Racquet Club, and kept her top on. She didn't want to risk a wardrobe malfunction ala-mama?

We can SORT of see both nipples, which is fairly sexy, but her expression could be, "Why did I eat at Chipotle?"

Male photographers are sometimes accused of being crudely symbolic in how they pose their nude models, but this is a WOMAN who is posing Zoe with an APPLE in her mouth.

That means Zoe should shut up, because she has nothing to say? Or she's "HOT" only when she looks like a roasted pig? The apple in the mouth does NOT suggest the woman has much going for her besides a certain "West Side Story" vibe.

What, besides MORON, does this picture say? How many women do you know eat an apple by stuffing it, hands free, into their yaps?

And why is she naked doing this? Why is she grabbing one of HER apples? The hand to the throat makes sense...self-Heimlich maneuver to dislodge a chunk of apple.

Maybe it's just me, but random prison-like tattoos aren't too sexy. They suggest that a woman is so fucking boring in bed, that while fucking, you have to doodle on her.

Lastly and leastly, women do NOT need any help in looking silly. Or stupid. Or not worth holding a conversation with and only worth finding, fugging and forgetting.

Zoey's final shot of Zoe, which drew the approval of publisher Jann Wenner (the man who sure knows HOT in a FEMALE these days) is this:

Oh oh oh oh ohhhhh LOOK...Hey Moe, Hey Larry, I'm trapped in my own underwear! I'm handcuffed! Get me OUTTA here!

Some will tell you that women are SO STUPID...

...that they routinely put their undies on inside out.

...and that when they aren't doing THAT, they have put them on backwards.

...and that some women are SO STUPID they do both, AND tell you about it. "OMIGOD, my panties are backwards. They may even be inside out!"

"OH? Pull up your skirt and let me have a look."

"What? WHO do you think I am, ZOE KRAVITZ????"

You'd think that we're over the 50's friskiness of "I Enjoy Being a Girl" or the 80's variation, "Girls just wanna have fun," but heeeeere's ZOE, who gets more laughs out of being trapped in her underwear, than Lisa Bonet got over all those seasons on "The Cosby Show."

What else can you say about that photo? That ratty hair does not make a nice camouflage for two gently sagging breasts?

That the odds are very good that Zoe shaves her pubes?

That it took her an hour to extricate herself from her underpants, or her t-shirt, or her ONESIE or whatever it is, and that the outtakes are probably a lot sexier and funnier?

It leaves you unimpressed. As in:

ZOE WHAT.

Wayne Maunder - "CUSTER" has his last stand, November 11th

Wayne Maunder passed on, age 80, on November 11th.

Some Baby Boomers remember the name? One or two TV shows?

Wayne began his career with some promise. He was a handsome, light-haired actor ready to lead the ladies along...like Edy Williams in "The Seven Minutes."

Rather than being the next Robert Redford, Maunder found himself going in a new and challenging direction when he starred as...WHO? Oh, no, you have GOT to be kidding...

"They sent him West to be forgotten. But NOBODY would ever forget...GEORGE ARMSTRONG CUSTER!!"

Something like that. The late 60's and early 70's saw a lot of improbably TV shows get on the air. Some were stupid and didn't last, like "Second Hundred Years," about a thawed out fellow experiencing modern times. Others, were stupid and DID last, like "I Dream of Jeannie" and "Gilligan's Island." No idea was too peculiar to be assured of failure. "Hogan's Heroes," despite a lot of complaints, became a funny show about a stalag. ABC thought it was a neat twist to concentrate not on Custer's well known recklessness, or the blunder that led to the slaughter at the Little Big Horn.

No. Custer did a lot of GOOD things. He was as maligned as...as Chuck Connors' character on "Branded," the man who supposedly ran at Bitter Creek, but really didn't, and had to spend an entire TV season trying to clear his name.

Maunder returned to clean-shaven and strawberry blond when he and James Stacy played unlikely brothers (or was it half-brothers) on "Lancer." This was another of those shows about ranch life. Andrew Duggan was the new Lorne Greene ("Bonanza") and a bit more masculine Barbara Stanwyck ("Big Valley") as he tried to keep his feuding sons from destroying the place.

Only triviasts can instantly tell you what happened to Maunder after that show ended. It wasn't much. He had a co-starring role in the 1973 series "Chase," which despite the pedigree (an early Stephen J. Cannell effort, produced by Jack Webb) it didn't last. He had almost no TV credits after that. Quinn Martin, known for casting actors going through tough times, brought him in for episodes of "Streets of San Francisco" (1975) and "Barnaby Jones" (1977) but otherwise, acting work was scarce. His last credit was in the film "Porky's" in 1981.

Most vintage TV fans know what happened to his "Lancer" co-star, black-haired James Stacy. Thanks to a drunk driver, his motorcycle was wrecked and he ended up minus and arm and a leg. His female passenger was killed. Thanks to Kirk Douglas, when Stacy was well enough, he was given a role in Kirk's new movie "Posse." In 1977, his comeback seemed complete with the gimmick-casting in "Just a Little Inconvenience," playing a disabled Vietnam veteran. Still, there weren't many roles out there for him. His next headlines, in 1995, involved a charge of child molestation. He later attempted suicide. The hard luck story eventually had a fairly happy ending, thanks to friends, a new love, and the fans of "Lancer" who bought his memorabilia on eBay, and came to see him at autograph signings.

Maunder didn't have the horrendous heartbreak his "Lancer" brother did, but he had plenty. His son Dylan Maunder died of a drug overdose in 2005; he was 36. For a while, Wayne didn't mind the attention of some fans, and was pretty affable, often indulging dealers as he and Stacy co-signed "Lancer" photos for $35 or $50 each. But in his 70's, he called a halt with a terse missive sent to a James Stacy fan website. The letter doesn't seem to be around, but one response from a fan should suffice:

Like "Man from Uncle" years earlier, "Lancer" had a big female fan base, and the argument was over which brother, blond or brunette, was the cutest. Obviously, at some point, Maunder no longer needed to hear about such nostalgia, and no longer wanted to replay the past. That was about four or five years ago.

Now, some are mourning that there are NO SURVIVORS of "LANCER," and therefor, nobody to pester with inane questions over which was the best episode, or what type of gun was in the holster, or if any funny incidents happened while on horseback, or what Andrew Duggan was really like. In other words, Wayne Maunder had good reason to quit caring about the show and the fans. Perhaps an irony is that fans still care about him, and are still upset that while "Custer" is actually available on legit DVDs, "Lancer" is not.

"THE PLIGHT OF OLIVES" (ooh, it's National Pickle Day)

It's National Pickle Day according to Twitter.

There's always a "DAY" on Twitter.

Like, wasting time at work day, networking stupidly day, and how about getting a life day.

ANYWAY...I thought I'd written a poem about pickles in "Let Peas Be With You," but I didn't. I wrote one about cucumbers.

I did write about olives, usually "pickled" in a martini. "Back in the day...." there weren't many salad bars, "organic" was not a term most people knew, and nobody ate olives "straight." It was an afterthought after downing a drink.

Thus...from a hot summer day in the Hamptons, another one from the Boy Poet himself...

I wish I could take credit for the artwork.

Every week a new poem appeared in the I.G.A. supermarket ad. From an early age I learned to write on deadline. The best advice writers generally hand down to students is simple enough: "WRITE." Just keep writing. You'll improve, you'll surprise yourself, and you'll train your imagination to let go. One of the poems I knocked out one day, thinking about different food, was "The Fly and the Sugar Cube," which wasn't exactly suitable for an ad (who thinks of buying sugar cubes so a fly can walk on 'em?). I think it ended up being sold to some other newspaper or magazine, and I later turned it into a song. As Norman Mailer used to say, it IS "the spooky art." So often not just poets, but...ROCK SINGERS...admit, "I don't know where it came from, it just wrote itself." That's part of the joy of creation.

Sinead O'Connor Converts to Islam

Sinead O'Connor is really serious about her conversion to Islam. She's left show business. She's walked out on the East End revival of the musical version of "The Addams Family." How are they going to find another Uncle Fester?

Sinead is the second famous singer (there was Yusuf, remember) to change her name in honor of her religious beliefs. Good for her. I hear her new name will be: Cunt Stevens.

Impressive, isn't it? A certifiable crazy person has pledged allegiance to Islam. THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!

She says she doesn't want to look at white people anymore. She has a lot of courage. Breaking a mirror is 7 years bad luck.

She's now wearing a burqa. Her reason: "I can't get anybody to cover my songs anymore. At least I can cover my body."

She's wearing a complete burqa covering her bald head, because Islam forbids exposing a boob.

Official word from ISIS: "We're CRAZY about Sinead O'Connor. We had a feeling she would convert after her last three CDs all tanked. The woman knows all about bombing!"

Sinead is working on a new song, but whenever she comes to the bridge, she has a sudden urge to drive into innocent people.

Roseanne Barr has staged an intervention: she's rushed to Sinead and told her, "Under NO circumstances do you convert to Judaism!" Roseanne mentioned that having Madonna on the team was more than enough. Roseanne said, "I wasn't sure I got there in time. It looked like she'd had her head circumcized." True, these days Sinead looks more and more like Peter Gabriel.

Fortunately there will be no new single from Sinead called "Nothing Compares 2 Jew."

O'Connor issued a statement: "The more devoted I become to Islam, the more likely I will blow up with joy and explode with happiness."

In the meantime, part of her occupational therapy is to rip up more pictures of the Pope.

One of London's most influential Imams, I-Ben to I-Hop, paused in his part-time job flipping pancakes to discuss the situation. He said, "It is an honor to have her convert, even though she is a worthless vagina owner only suitable to be a slave. She will not sing pop songs any longer and will not drive a car. She can drive people crazy, but that's all." He paused. "Wait a minute. Is this the bald bitch who scared her fans by disappearing and living in a South Hackensack, New Jersey hotel? Holy shit, she is FUCKED UP!"

Publicity or Torture or Both -- We just Wanted you to Know YOKO sold out 300 SIGNED COPIES...

It's a LIMITED EDITION!!!

That's enough to get any Beatles or Lennon fan drooling.

YOU CAN BRAG ABOUT BEING ONE OF ONLY THREE HUNDRED TO HAVE IT!

Imagine...imagine...imagine...

Today, Yoko's publisher tweeted that there was just ONE copy left of the signed edition.

And guess what happened just a few moments later. Awwww.

So there's the good news and the bad news. The good news is the company got a LOT of publicity, and has PLENTY of copies of the unsigned edition for sale. The BAD news is that unless a dealer wants to double his money on EBAY, that collectors item is GONE.

The bad news indeed, is the collectors item is GONE, but the good news is...there will always be NEW collectors items created solely to be limited edition collectors items, so any pinhead who wants some reason to brag about something he bought, will have plenty of opportunities in the future. Just remember, chumps: if ya SNOOZE ya LOSE.

NY POST changes HEADLINES - from unbiased to...ass-licking

Hmmm.

The conservative New York Post reported AL ROKER for dressing up as a white guy.

It was their FRONT PAGE HEADLINE on their website.

Then they backed down. They became biased.

How many "YOU A RACIST" tweets, or angry phone calls did it take for the New York Post to SLANT their headline?

Within hours, the neutral word "DEFENDS" was replaced with "FIRES BACK," and "KILLJOYS" appeared in the headline.

At first, The New York Post was reporting the news. Then, SLANTING IT in favor of Roker, the righteous black man who "FIRES BACK" at the "KILLJOYS."

It began "trending" not as a news item, but as an ass-licking defense of Al Roker. This is a guy who one day happily watched his co-worker get FIRED for merely wondering about a racial problem...and a few days later, figured it was OK to be a white guy for Halloween.

Double standard? Awww, no. The New York Post reverses itself.

What about the KILLJOYS who decided a white female at NBC had to be FIRED for off-handedly wondering about blackface as part of a Halloween costume?

PS, newspapers are supposed to just REPORT the news, and leave the EDITORIALIZING to the editorial page. Aren't they?

Nice one, New York Post, give Trump more fodder for his "fake news" charges.

AL ROKER and the SHADES OF GRAY on HALLOWEEN - mix black and white and...

Ah, Halloween.

The headline in the NY Daily News: "Man in 'SCREAM' Mask shoots two in Washington Heights following night of Halloween mayhem."

AND

"Five shot - including a 14 year-old boy - and three stabbed."

Meanwhile in broad daylight, Al Roker and the gang put on their Halloween outfits.

Er, wait a minute, Al.

YOU are the guy who declared it "is a terrible person to even suggest that it is Ok for a white person to go as a black character for Halloween." Thus, your co-worker Ms. Kelly was FIRED from her, what, $15 MILLION a year job?

Anyone out there want to lose their job, even a $15,000 a year one, because of one sentence? Kelly didn't actually dress up in blackface.

Meanwhile:

OH.

He's Christopher Lloyd from a stupid sci-fi comedy. Only Christopher Lloyd is white.

Wuttup, homey?

“I’m going to say this one last time, but the folks who get it, understand and the ones who DON’T, won’t,” America's weatherman tweeted:

“I can be Doc Brown, and I wear the outfit and wig and not change my skin color if you’re white, you can be President Obama if you want. Just don’t color your skin!”

OH?

Is that why Fred Armisen, a mixed race guy, was forced to STOP playing Obama on "Saturday Night Live?" He was replaced by Jay Pharoah, who is 100$ black. Except...Obama is NOT 100% black. Obamama's mama was WHITE.

Gee. It gets confusing, Al. Doesn't it?

OK, you don't need an NBC weatherman to know which way the wind blows.

It blows out your ass. It blows out your mouth. Yours and everybody's. EVERYBODY has some opinion on what IS or ISN'T OK.

Larry Wilmore, once a "Comedy Central" late-night comedian, said to Obama, "Barry! You did it, my nigga!"

This wasn't said the day after the election, in the midst of excitement and joy. It was years and years later. BUT, as a few black guys said when they "schooled" Bill Maher, it's OK for a black to say "Nigga." Know wuttum sayin'?

This isn't an official rule, though. Is it? Is there a "Little Black Book of Rules and Regulations?" Who would write it? Most black people dont like NIGGA and they don't like NIGGER. You know, just as there are Italians who cringed when Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra called each other "Wop" and "Guinea" on stage. Or made fun of Sammy Davis Jr. all in fun. Sammy doubled over in mock laughter and helplessness. Actually, in retrospect, he felt that was the wrong reaction.

ANYWAY...

Let's briefly talk about the shades of gray here. Is it OK for a Halloween white boy to dress up in a plastic "Black Panther" super-hero mask? Hmmm. Was it ok for a woman who "identified" as Black, and went to a tanning salon, to walk around being Black? Nope, she got fired. Had she identified as MALE, cut her hair short, worn men's clothing, etc., she could've used the men's room. No problem. Hmmm.

Should white OR black people dress up in Native American costumes and Pilgrim costumes, to recall the days when these two ethnic groups sat down for Thanksgiving? Guess not. White and black people are NOT the red people. And probably none of them are actual descendants of the Pilgrims, either. FOR SHAME!

Recently, straight actors and actresses have been banned from playing transgender roles. How dare somebody who is ACTING not BE what they are pretending to be?

Come to think of it, Boris Karloff's skin wasn't really green when he played Frankenstein's monster. He wasn't really dead, either.

Somehow, Al Roker, who was much funnier when he was fat (oops, is that fat shaming or fat praising) is now sourly making up rules to live by for other people. He's part of the witch-hunt mob, isn't he? He didn't say, "Wait a minute, I didn't say FIRE Kelly," did he? But maybe he just didn't like Megyn Kelly because she was a bitch. (No, no, that's anti-woman.)

When I was a kid, little black kids wore the same cheap stupid Woolworths masks most kids did. If they chose to be BATMAN or SUPERMAN, did any white weatherman shout "NO" at them? Of course not.

What's wrong with a black kid wanting to dress up as Superman, back when it was George Reeves everybody knew, or Christopher Reeves, or any others. Or when Adam West was Batman or Michael Keaton.

Is Al Roker saying that the Wayans Brothers were disgusting and racist and wrong for making an ENTIRE MOVIE where they dressed as WHITE WOMEN and made fun of WHITE WOMEN?

Say, Al, do you think we should ban re-runs of "Mary Tyler Moore Show" episodes because Valerie Harper played a Jewish woman and ISN'T ONE? Oh, and definitely ban "RHODA" from syndication, too? It could happen. We have people howling with anger about these things. Johnny Depp barely got to play Tonto in that bad "Lone Ranger" movie, but insisted there was Native American blood somewhere in his druggy veins.

Some in America (and other parts of the semi-free world) say "Be what you want to be." Enjoy your fantasy. Live out your dreams. "IMAGINE..." And on Halloween, people imagine they are psycho killers, ghouls, and fiends. Nobody's saying, "Don't DO that."

The operative phrase is always "...as long as it doesn't hurt somebody else." Too much. I mean, insult comedy is very popular, and racist and sexist language in RAP is very popular, and Donald Trump's name-calling tweets are very popular.

Obviously anyone actually going out in blackface on Halloween risks the instant scorn and disgust of other people. Just ask Ted Danson, who appeared in blackface at a roast for his then-girlfriend Whoopi Goldberg. Goldberg thought it was funny. Others didn't. If this happened NOW, Danson would never work again.

So, Roker dressed up as a white guy from "Back to the Future." Maybe in the future, he won't be so quick to run his mouth if Fred Armisen plays Obama again. Maybe he'll say "it's ok," if a white Santa Claus appears in a department store in a black neighborhood. Maybe he'll say that some dumb blonde (oops, how offensive) opening a dialogue about whether blackface at Halloween is ok or not, should not automatically be fired. SHADES OF GRAY.

In fact, do we even spell it GRAY? Billy Joel didn't.

I quote from his song:

Shades of grey wherever I go
The more I find out the less that I know
Black and white is how it should be
But shades of grey are the colors I see....
Save us all from arrogant men, and all the causes they're for
I won't be righteous again.
I'm not that sure anymore.
Al Roker is sure. But maybe he's just a bit self-righteous and arrogant sometimes?

Shades of Gray.

Shades of Grey.