Thursday, October 6, 2016

Praying to God to STOP being God

People are throwing MEMES all over Twitter and Facebook. Like THIS:

The trending hashtag of the day: #PrayforFlorida.

NOT pray that Florida gets rid of the meth addicts, the rednecks or the psychos with automatic weapons. Pray to God that Florida survives an act of God.

Most of the time, I'm told not to question God, but this time, damn, I'm being told to do just that.

Pray. In other words, whine. If not an outright, "God, do NOT let the hurricane strike like you planned," then maybe some wheedling: "God, if you spare everyone, I promise not to download more slutty Jennifer Lawrence pictures off 4Chan."

Why am I being TOLD to PRAY by people I don't even know?

It's because it's not enough that religious fanatics are praying. They want EVERYONE to pray.

That's how religious fanatics are.

They want you to believe what they believe. In Islam, everyone's supposed to shoot Rushdie if they get a chance. The Ayatollah said so decades ago, and it still goes.

What, it's against your religion to kill a writer? Shame on you! Go ahead!

Yusuf Cat Stevens, Mr. Sensitive, was asked if he'd burn Rushdie in effigy. He said no, he'd rather burn the actual man. (Ewww, baby baby it's a wild world). One religion tells you to kill somebody who writes something or draws a cartoon.

Another religion says to question God and talk him out of a hurricane. Or rather, a BIG hurricane.

We've had hurricanes A through L so far this season, but M? M is massive, so let's call in all favors, and pester people on Facebook and Twitter: "PRAY FOR THOSE IN THE PATH OF HURRICANE MATTHEW!!!!!"

Trending on Twitter, and right alongside "If I had a Pet Dragon," too!

The phrase is "PRAY FOR FLORIDA." That's all. Everybody be religious. It's the 21st Century, but act like Druids. Pray. Don't look in on relatives, offer a spare room to somebody fleeing the hurricane, or donate to the Red Cross. No. Get on your knees and PRAY. Don't just do it yourself, order everyone to do it.

Hurricanes are horribly destructive. It's sad to see the news broadcasts about it. But WHY do sanctimonious assholes decide to pester total strangers with "PRAY!" memes? They really think that enough people PRAY, it will influence their basically soft-hearted God to get off that sudden destructive kick? And what caused it in the first place? God was mad Vanilla Ice got booted off "Dancing with the Stars?"

OK, I decided to help out. We're talking about HURRICANE MATTHEW, so that's a NEW TESTAMENT hurricane.

Rather than go to a mosque or a temple, I went to a church.

I looked up and said:

God, about this HURRICANE MATTHEW that you created. You work in mysterious ways. In your infinite wisdom you created a hurricane that is going to destroy property and kill random people.

I pray that you tone it down.

Scale it back.

If you were planning on doing TEN MILLION in damages, make it FIVE.

That kind of thing. Are you OK with that?

I hate to mention it, but I got the idea that you're a drama queen. The more awful things are, the more you like it, because you can call attention to yourself.

In other words, you're a lot like Piers Morgan.

Or are you? Prove it. Give me a sign.

Let the Muslims keep blowing shit up, but take this hurricane out to the Atlantic and let it whip up some sharks like a Waring blender. If you want to kill things, kill sharks.

Leave Florida alone! It's such a classy state. It's where telemarketers have their offices. It's got great Cuban sandwiches. People like to run over manatees with motor boats and shoot gators. Trump has a mansion there. And don't forget, it's got Disney World.

Have some CHRISTIAN CHARITY, for Chrissake.

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