And friends just can't be found?
In primitive times, you might play a Simon & Garfunkel record!
Imagine...a pandemic. And no toilet paper, too.
NOW WHAT?
Play a John Lennon record? Imagine!
Fortunately, today's answer is not a "record player" it's THE INTERNET.
Fortunately, today's answer is not the GOD who causes viruses and death, it's the healing power of CELEBRITIES.
Oh JESUS.
NO Jesus.
If you work it right, no Matthew, Mark, Luke or John. JUST MATTHEW. PRAISE BE...
That ordinary dope Tom Hanks? He actually GOT the damn virus, and told people he'd be ok. What kind of STAR is THAT?
Matthew....MATTHEW....MATTHEW!!!!
Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Woo woo woo.
AND?
There are too many sad ordinary sick losers on the planet and the STARS MUST GUIDE THEM...
AH...much better...
THE SARS...er, THE STARS are guiding us!
We can't expect much from the President or from the Pope, but...a KARDASHIAN? There is hope!
Jesus Christ Superstar is not answering our wishes but...JOHNNY LEGEND?
We're talking about a HUMBLE man, that JOHNNY LEGEND. He may look like any crinkly-eyed crackhead, and, if you want to be honest, he might not be the most distinctive singer in the world either, but come on...he is LEGEND.
Just seeing him play with his brat will have the power to heal. Anybody who died of COVID-19 today will surely come back from the dead if only someone prints out the JOHNNY LEGEND article and places it on the corpse's face.
Go to any INTERNET "news" website (you can tell it's a news site if it has a moronic name like DAILY BEAST or a newsy name like NEWSER). You'll happily see smiling celebrities and read HOW THEY'RE COPING.
Or...awwwwwww, people are dying, people are frustrated, but a nation turns it's pitying eyes to the perpetually woeful wimp SAM SMITH. How is Mr. Sensitive handling it all? With a song in his limp and aching heart?
Who's next to report having some mild version of the virus? And how can this news be spiced up to get more attention?
Iris Alba (he's supposed to be the new BLACK James Bond remember) was announced, with more fanfare than the opening trumpets of the JAMES BOND THEME, that HE not only GOT the virus, but woooo hoooo, he MAY have got it from Prime Minister Trudeau's WIFE!
HAR! That's making scandal and disease FUN! Let's Make A DISEASE Great!
Today's BIG news was supplied by WONDER WONTON herself, Gal Gadot. What's the poop Gal? What's the GOOP?
SHE made everyone happy by digging out that old, old warhorse song "IMAGINE" and got a bunch of her A-list friends to sing off-key lines from it on their cell phones! The woman spared NO effort.
In a mammoth display of PUBLICITY, she gave away this achievement as long as all the YouTube channels of newspapers and magazines and charities ALL slanted it as "HEARTWARMING."
Take a look at some of the cheesy, condescending, sanctimonious expressions on the faces of the A-listers who looked DOWN into their phones at YOU and the other sad nobodies of the world....
...why, you don't even have to hear their tone-deaf yowling, or their pathetic attempts at duplicating Whitney Houston and other syllable serial yodelers, to know that what came out of their mouths was equal to what comes out of their asses:
Last but not least, and looking like a virus that arose from a lump of batshit:
They're all singing "IMAGINE," and doing their best to make it the most hated song ever written.
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