You can tell it's not comedy...if it's in The New Yorker

You know The New Yorker. They used to have well known funny cartoonists. Addams. Day. Lorenz. Weber. Stevenson. Arno. They also had challenging ones: Steig and Steinberg.

Now? Now you're lucky if one in ten cartoons will even make you smile.

They used to have S.J. Perelman and Woody Allen. Now, there's somebody called Mia Mercado who writes "shouts and whispers" humor pieces like THIS thing. Go ahead, see how often you laugh out loud. Or smile. Or even nod your head and think "that was witty."

You might say that this Mia is at least a bit funnier than Mia Farrow, who has a son (by somebody or other) who now writes for The New Yorker, and seems to have a huge staff to do his researching and proofreading and writing for him. All he does his purse his pretty pink lips and pose for pictures. This is the guy who even got his own TV show thanks to Mama Mia pulling strings for him.

If you want a comedy of errors, maybe you can have a bitter chuckle for the way Mia declared that Ronan was, perhaps, the bastard child of Frank Sinatra.

Ha ha ha. Wait. Is that funny? It wasn't to Barbara Sinatra, Frank's widow. It wasn't to Frank's daughters. I'm not sure if Frank Sinatra Jr. was still alive to learn he had a half-brother. If he wasn't, maybe he was rolling in his grave.

Through this farce, Ronan pursed his pretty pink lips and gave a Capote-like reply of "We're all children of Frank Sinatra." Something like that. Something neither funny nor witty. Like The New Yorker's attempts at humor.

This is the hard-hitting reporter who has made a specialty of calling out heterosexual celebrities? As if gays, or people "of color" have never abused a power position via a toxic atmosphere, exclusionary tactics, and bullying?

Why didn't the hard-hitting reporter say: "I am definitely NOT Frank Sinatra's son. It's important to me to know who the hell my father is, and in all honesty, there's no reason I shouldn't tell you."

Woody Allen has lately allowed the possibility that since Mia was not faithful (according to him, if not others), it's possible Ronan isn't his. He added that in that case, why was he paying child support all these years? Not too fair. And not funny.

"We live in a land where JUSTICE IS A GAME."

How can the life of such a man
Be in the palm of some fool’s hand?
To see him obviously framed
Couldn’t help but make you feel ashamed to live in a land
Where justice is a game

Explain how easy it is for anyone at any time, to lose money, freedom, life. Real easy.

We live in a land of Fascists and Nazis and bullies.

We live in a land where games are played by corrupt and power made people.

Backstabbers. Liars.

"Ain't no man righteous, not one."

I'm not saying this man is righteous, but I AM questioning how a CASE THAT WAS CLOSED got re-opened, and an 81 year-old legally blind man considered a "dangerous predator" that needs to be watched. This, when he's done nothing anyone could call predatory or dangerous for a decade.

The fact is this:

A woman received THREE MILLION DOLLARS to settle a case. It was settled between her, the man she accused, and the Philadelphia district attorney. The case was settled and sealed.

How, nearly TEN YEARS LATER, does another Philadelphia district attorney decide to UN-seal it? How does that legal GAME get played?

Why is a judge going along with this? What's behind it?

It could be politics. It could be a desire for fame. But somehow, in America, it can go down like this. A settled and sealed case can suddenly, if you pull the right levers, be re-opened.

Then, when the case goes to trial and the jury flips wildly and ends up without a decision...don't let it go.

TRY IT AGAIN.

Only THIS time, change the rules some more. Invite testimony that has nothing to do with the case that was signed, settled and sealed.

Bring in some testimony that was legally sealed, and magically declare it can be used again.

Make a victim out of someone who was very happy to get THREE MILLION DOLLARS and not say a word about the case for nearly ten years.

Put bail at a million dollars for the man to stay in Philadelphia, the place where he was born and raised; raised in the projects.

Now, get a jury to used sealed evidence to find the man guilty. The man who was interviewed as part of the settlement, said things that were supposed to be private and sealed...unseal them so the judge and the district attorney can look good.

Re-election coming up? The D.A. wants to be mayor? The judge wants to get to the Supreme Court? Two big men who played a game on a case what was signed, settled and sealed.

Next? After the man is found guilty, after his career is over, and despite the man being legally blind and 81 years old, twist the knife and declare him to be a "DANGEROUS PREDATOR."

Like who? Like Squeaky Fromme maybe, who tried to kill the President of the United States and is free? When did SHE get off the "DANGEROUS PREDATOR" list?

How about, a few weeks ago, the woman who kidnapped a 14 year-old and made her a sex slave, watching her get abused EVERY DAY FOR NEARLY A YEAR? She is out. Not a "DANGEROUS PREDATOR."

Somehow, an 81 year-old blind man is a "DANGEROUS PREDATOR."

Would that be enough? A convicted "DANGEROUS PREDATOR" famous throughout the world, might now be allowed to crawl back home and stay there under house arrest?

No, that would not be a good end to the game.

Put this old blind man in a State Prison two time zones away from his loved ones.

The judge is now famous. He's THE MAN. When attorneys tried to get him taken off this case, weeks ago, who had the final decision? Another judge? The governor? No, THIS judge. THIS judge told everyone, in essence, "I don't think I'm prejudiced. I think I'm fair. I think I'll keep on being THE BIG MAN. Don't deny me the chance to hand down these big decisions on a case that was signed, sealed and settled nearly TEN YEARS AGO."

The bottom line is if they want you, they will get you. They will bend the rules. They will break the rules. They will cheat.

Here's the man who made up rules, bent rules, and is just as much of an egocentric power-mad game-player as Trump, Hitler, or anyone else you want to name. And below that, the woman who took the THREE MILLION DOLLARS, and signed off on it, but then joined the game.

Morality always seems to have little asterisks, right? You can excuse lying or cheating if it's for a good cause.

We live in a land where justice is a game.

"You are just about the BIGGEST TWAT in the world." "Thanks! But YOU can be, too!" "ME TOO??"

Want to say "Now I've seen everything?"

Go ahead, but that's a phrase that's only temporary. There's always going to be a new eyesore. A new weirdness. A new something you might chuckle and say "I wish I could unsee that."

Seems like the TIMES UP and METOO hysteria has led to...PUSSY POWER. Or, to put it crudely, you can NEVER be too much of a CUNT.

Which is equality, isn't it? We've had it with Dickheads. We've had it with a boss who is a BIG PRICK.

Let's literally see how big of a CUNT...

Yes, get your artificial vagina from China, courtesy of eBay.

Our President, Mr. "Grab the Pussy," has been threatening to tax Chinese imports. Maybe this is the reason?

At one time the phrase "Camel Toe" didn't even exist. Now, "it's a THING."

It's gone beyond that funny Beach Boys parody of "Kokomo" called "Camel Toe" (which was regularly on the Bob & Tom radio show, and is on YouTube, of course).

In these wonderful times when women are proud of their planned "wardrobe malfunctions," and leak their porn tapes to become famous, and where the London Daily Fail and the New Yawk Post can't stop printing photos of models and actresses in thongs, leotards, and other form-fitting garments...now it's time for women who are bereft of cleft to GET IT ON.

In the old days ("let's say the 60's") the real liberated women didn't want to be considered "sex objects." That's changed faster than you can say KARDASHIAN. If you can say it. If not, say Cardi B. Say Miley. Take a spoon full of hummus and squeal "Haaah Deeeeeeed."

Yes, in addition to padded bras, and the padded underwear so that any normal woman can look like a mutant, freakish, 20-pound-assed Kardashian, it's UP FRONT with a padded Camel Toe. For added humor, the item is also being pitched to crossdressers, so that their bulge can be misconstrued as a GIANT VAGINA. Or, as the gays call it, a VAH-JAYYY-JAYYYY.

The fashion trend was a shaved mons. That's not enough, since it MIGHT make a woman seem like a GIRL. So, a fake CAMEL TOE to the rescue!!

Don't sit without showing giant slit. Join the trendy, and appear to be showing off giant flamin' lips!

I trust you're not OFFENDED in these offensive times.

As Brett Butler used to say..."was that too vivid?"

NERDY NAZI JULIA REDA is UNHAPPY - That's GREAT news for CREATIVE INTELLIGENT PEOPLE

You remember Nerdy Nazi Julia Reda?

She's a millennial crackpot who somehow got elected to office in Germany. She gets paid. She doesn't work for free and then hope to make money selling t-shirts or getting GoFundMe donations. She cashes a government check.

However, her "philosophy" is that the Internet should not be regulated, and that "freedom of speech" means "sharing" copyrighted material. Don't call it "piracy." Call it the Communist manifesto that information (or entertainment) belongs to everyone.

If she wasn't in office, she'd be sitting in her basement nattering her worthless opinions on YouTube, Tweeting obsessively, squealing into a podcast microphone, and GIVING AWAY entire discographies, filmographies and bibliographies to promote herself. "You are AWESOME!" she will be told. She will find this better than an orgasm. Because she's never had one.

Years ago, struggling companies like AMAZON and EBAY needed a break. They got plenty. No sales tax. Look the other way on "gray market" goods. If people sell bootlegs, you can say, "We're JUST A VENUE, we don't know." The Internet soon became a paradise for blogs and forums and then torrents to not only give things away and take a profit from ad revenue, but insist that this was a "new paradigm." Pirate Bay notoriously declared that flaunting the law was fair. After all, Russia and China do it all the time. Why not Sweden?

People began making big money off the claim that it was "fair" to take the profit away from TV networks, publishers and movie studios. The result? Megaupload, owned by a Nazi who moved to New Zealand, bought the most expensive mansion on the island, and re-named himself KIM DOTCOM. The money that belonged to the artists went to HIM, because, oddly enough, the people downloading had no problem rewarding his "hard work" in providing unlimited access to freebies. Just pay $20 a month for a "premium membership" to KIM DOTCOM. He made a fortune off the memberships and the ad money.

"Copyright is COPY WRONG," the saying goes. Any attempt to strengthen the DMCA laws failed. Amazon, Wikipedia, Assange, Google...all lobbied to shoot down Senator Schumer, Senator Leahy, and any politician anywhere in the world. Who doesn't like hacked photos of Jennifer Lawrence with semen all over her face? Who doesn't like an entire free discography of The Beatles or the Beach Boys? How about all the Harry Potter books?

The European Union now wants to bring back some copyright sanity. Once again, idiots like Julia Reda and the "we like free" and "freedom of speech" bunch are screaming bullying and threatening. The cost of piracy over the past decade has been: the almost extinction of record stores, the death of most bookstores, and the closing of movie theaters. Movie companies unable to make profits on anything but stupid super hero movies and kiddie films, have flooded the market with stupid super hero movies and kiddie films. TV networks rely on cheaply made "reality" shows. Music labels no longer invest in new artists or protect back-catalog sales, and like the book industry, rely on a few best-sellers to carry them along. That's the reality. But "We like it FREE," as Puzo (one of the notorious long-running forums) likes to say. Selfishness and greed rule, and the big Internet companies have been able to lobby and intimidate lawmakers.

The E.U. would simply like the countries who are trying to destroy Capitalism, to STOP IT. Stop hiding torrent servers in Russia and on Asian islands. Stop allowing blogs in Croatia and other vile countries to allow people to post links on "Yadi" and other sites that refuse to acknowledge a DMCA takedown request. Like Pirate Bay, there are outfits that simply say, "Screw you, you can't prosecute us, so leave us alone. And no, we have NO morality. We love ANARCHY, as long as it doesn't affect us personally. Call us hypocrites. Or better yet, don't call us at all. Ha ha ho ho hee hee."

What Nerdy Nazi Julia Reda would say to me is, "Herr Smith, you wrote 19 books. They are in libraries. So, what's the big deal if they are given away free via download all over the world? What's it to you? It's YOUR responsibility to spend time you could be writing in surfing the Net and finding and reporting the illegal downloads. Spend all day, because there are hundreds of illegal private forums around, and "members only" blogs hosted by GOOGLE. Spend a chunk of money on hiring Web Sheriff or some other company to use technology and hunt for you. But, ha ha, NOBODY can get a takedown if the site is in RUSSIA or some island beyond the reach of the law. And, ho ho, Internet Service Providers are NOT allowed to block rogue websites from being accessed. And, hee hee, this is a GOOD thing, because there will always be scapegoats and helpless fall guys in this world, and copyright owner is the N-word of the World.

The E.U. would like normal countries, like America, England, France and Germany, to use technology to block "matched" content. That's not asking much is it? Google's YouTube, miraculously, does this. If an uploader wants to make money by hoisting a song or a TV show that just came out, they get a message: "Your content matches copyrighted material." This needs to be done with Google's blogs, with forums, with torrents. Those that resist get blocked or taken down. This includes "streaming" sites that offer the latest PPV fights for a fee, or in return for suffering banner ads all over the page and sometimes even the image.

I think it would be nice if people didn't bootleg my books on eBay and charge $3.99 for a download off a GOOGLE CLOUD, making more for NOTHING than I would on the royalty from Amazon. I think it would be nice if a blogger or some jerk in a forum didn't give my stuff away, assuming I'm a millionaire, or that it's "good publicity" for me and that somebody will buy the next book...which they won't because it'll be available free. I think it would be nice if I, and all singers, songwriters, writers, actors, etc., didn't have assholes who aren't "in the business" telling us how we should run our business. And no, we don't want to give our work away free and charge for a fucking t-shirt, and we do NOT want to be fucking panhandlers begging for donations via GoFundMe or a "Paypal tip."

The current toothless DMCA rules don't work. It shouldn't be up to me to surf eBay every week to find the bootlegs and intellectual property violations...and, too often...report the same jerks over and over. It shouldn't be up to a mid-level singer/songwriter who does tour and sell her indie label CDs at gigs, to spend time and money contacting idiot retired bloggers and say, "Hey, it's really me, please do not give away my music with a stupid photo of Mr. Natural next to the album jacket, and a notation, "DIG IT" or "ENJOY!" or "IF YOU LIKE IT, LET ME KNOW!"

Some European countries have sued Google, and Google has laughed. Paying fines that are maybe 2% of their profits don't bother them at all. That the E.U. may come up with some watered-down bill is hardly great news, as it still doesn't mean that all countries will comply, or that there won't be loopholes. What's happening is just a "start." As for Nerdy Nazi Julia Reda, maybe she should STOP. Because if piracy continues, maybe there won't be anybody making the bestiality porn she probably loves, and she won't get paid to appear in any, either. "Hey, Julia, don't expect to get paid for being gangbanged by Schnauzers and Dobermans, just enjoy doing it for the fun of it, and keep your day job getting paid by the German government.

Elle Fanning in 1939 would shrug "Oh, Jews are being exterminated? Oh Well. I've Come to Terms With It."

We know most actresses fawned over today have the IQ of the average avocado. Same with most actors. This is a gene pool of guacamole.

You don't expect today's "talent" to have even gone to acting school, or put years into stage work. Nope. All they have to do is practice in front of a camcorder, and post a few things to YouTube. Maybe have a strategic waldrobe malfunction for publicity. Dropping out of school before learning common sense: also a good idea.

Elle Fanning? This lollipop-headed fool is very lah-dee-dah about Woody Allen's new movie being shelved by Fascist Jeff Bezos and his Amazon warriors. What's it to her? She'll make more films. It was a learning experience. Whatever.

The bigger issue here, which this woman can't comprehend, is witch hunts. We're supposed to LEARN from history, but I doubt this lollipop ever heard of Senator McCarthy. Or, going back a bit further, the trials in Salem.

She also probably only has a vague idea about World War 2. Is it taught in schools anymore? Maybe not. We have a President who will tell the world that Nazi skinheads are nice people, and we shouldn't judge them too harshly when they stage rebel yell protests against blacks or Jews.

Let's take a look at Lollipop Fanning, the girl with the teeny-tiny skull, and her comment on Woody Allen:

She's "coming to terms" with censorship? With someone considered guilty without a trial?

Elle Fanning would certainly have no trouble "coming to terms" with economic sanctions against Israel, or Hitler rounding up eight million Jews and putting them in ovens. It happens. Lah-dee-dah.

You think this is a stretch? It happened before. The nation sat back while Senator McCarthy bullied hundreds and thousands of people, sending some of our greatest screenwriters and actors and other creative people fleeing overseas, or sent off to jail. Or, given immunity if they sold out their friends...who did nothing wrong in most cases except wonder, in an intellectual way, if there was a better system than Capitalism.

The Elle Fannings of the world sat on their fannies during the McCarthy era and were "coming to terms" with the oppression in Free America. At best, the Elle Fannings of the world waited for somebody else to do something about it.

The Elle Fannings of Germany watched Hitler scapegoat the Jews (and some others) and were "coming to terms" with it. Is getting rid of Jews such a bad thing? Hmm, maybe not.

The situation with Woody Allen is scapegoating. He's lumped in with Roman Polanski, who admitted to using drugs to seduce someone who had calculatedly placed herself in his company, alone. Someone who, today, says "leave the guy alone already." Or similar words. This is not at all the scenario with Woody Allen, who has only one accuser, who was not drugged or seduced.

Nobody's saying you have to watch a Woody Allen movie if you think he's guilty. But in America, even Elle Fanning's America, you should be given the chance to watch that movie. It shouldn't be shelved because a Mussolini named Bezos, running a Nazi-like company called Amazon, decides to toss a movie in an oven.

What if Bezos had some balls, and stood up to this out of control, shrill witch-hunt, and said, "See this movie if you want to. DON'T if you don't want to. I paid $25 million for it, and I'm making it available. Let's not destroy a man's career with hearsay."

Here's Elle Fanning, shrugging off morality and acting as if her brain is guacamole and her skull a small avocado shell.

Lollipop Head isn't the only one. Like the Germans who turned on the Jewish neighbors, like the gutless wonders who gave names to Senator McCarthy, Elle Fanning isn't alone in her cowardice, ignorance, and lack of spine.

Selena Gomez, Timothee Chalamet, Rebecca Hall and Griffin Newman "donated their salaries to various charities..." or made a "significant donation" to the fabulous Times Up movement. What a crock. The "Times Up" movement is, what, a Twitter account? A few twits in an office wearing pussy hats and squealing "Times up! Times up!" and collection donations? Where are those donations going?

How stupid are these foolish, young and ignorant "stars" who were so thrilled to work with Woody Allen despite Dylan Farrow's constant squeaking and spitting? Didn't they know that if they were nominated for awards, this shrike would be shaming them in public as she did Cate Blanchett in 2014 for "Blue Jasmine?"

How STUPID, Selena Gomez, Timothee Chalamet, Rebecca Hall and Griffin Newman...how morally bankrupt...how easily swayed...how gutless...how disgusting in betrayal...does it get? You sign on to be in a Woody Allen film because you know he's a good director and writer, is easy to work with, can help you learn your craft...and then you stab him in the back because of gossip and innuendo? Because the climate in America now is not so different from Hitler's Nazi Germany or the witch hunt days of Senator McCarthy?

One of the principles that made America great is this: "INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY."

Elle Fanning is "coming to terms" with this new Amerika, where bullying works just fine, as long as it's against a Jew, and not a Black or a Gay or a Woman.

ALAN ABEL is DEAD ....................isn't he?

Above, the exotic "Omar the Beggar," explaining to Mike Douglas the art of begging, and his supposed "School for Beggars." He was, of course, the hoaxer Alan Abel, who successfully got The New York Times to run an obituary on him nearly 40 years ago. You see him in a more recent pose, when he was promoting a documentary on himself, "Abel Raises Cain" (now on DVD and available from his website).

According to Stoidi Puekaw, Alan passed his birthday and passed away: August 2, 1924 – September 14, 2018.

You might not believe Stoidi Puekaw, whose name is backwards for "Wake Up Idiots," but it IS unlikely Alan Abel will be waking up. This time.

As hacky as it is to declare "Alan Abel is Dead...isn't he?" it reflects Alan's sense of humor, which was pretty obvious. The joke was how so often his very obvious put-ons were taken seriously. This was especially true in the more naive late 50's and 60's.

At a time when the cunning Allen Funt was exposing the stupidity and gullibility of the average jerk (er, people "caught in the act of being themselves"), Alan Abel had the ability to get respectable reporter, newsmen and TV hosts to go along with his publicity ploys.

The dim general public first got fooled in 1959, when Abel created SINA, the "Society for Indecency to Naked Animals." There was a record album about this, and eventually Buck Henry acted as the group's spokesman for interviews. Ultimately, people got the idea that, for a change, the nut who headed up an uptight organization was just playing pretend. Ha ha.

Like any lone wolf entrepeneur, Abel used his wits whenever and wherever he could. He put out a drum solo album called "Professor Paradiddle - Drums, Drollery, And Drivel." He used his notoriety to get backing for the 1971 film "Is There Sex After Death?" one of the first "mockumentaries." Well before Sacha Baron Cohen played games with dopey-looking disguises, Alan impersonated "Omar the Beggar," outrageously extolling the art of begging. He did this on a variety of talk shows, and kept turning up again and again, sort of like the eccentric "new discovery" who makes the rounds of "America's Got Talent" and "Britain's Got Talent" and "Gong Show" and all the rest, swallowing lightbulbs and goldfish, or doing yoga positions while singing opera and eating cake.

Always eager to sell his next book or film project, Abel found ways to generate publicity with hoaxes that put himself in the spotlight. Twenty years after SINA, in 1979, he humiliated The New York Times by tricking them into publishing his obituary.

This gave him the chance to pompously quote Mark Twain: "reports of my demise have been grossly exaggerated." Not funny, but as his Stoido Puekaw identity proved, his game was not always to get laughs but to shout "WAKE UP IDIOTS" at the world.

Among his other stunts: pretending to offer "Euthanasia Cruises," managing to get some members of the Phil Donahue Show audience to "faint" at the same time on live TV, and, of course, running for office offering a variety of bizarre promises if elected. Still feisty after all the years of put-ons, and despite competition from most every talk show host (and their man-in-the-street con artist pals), a variety of comedians, and freelance morons who were dead serious about being stupid, Alan Abel was still a champ in 2000. That was when he showed up at the Republican National Convention declaring opposition to breastfeeding on the grounds that it was incest.

As he got older, Alan concentrated on lectures and teaching creative workshops at The New School in New York. Organizations wanted to hear about his techniques for publicity and public relations and he had a variety of topics he could speak on. One self-help series was called "Using Your Wits to Win."

His self-promoting books include "The Great American Hoax" and "Confessions of a Hoaxer." A problem for Alan Abel, and the reason his death isn't big news, is that despite his costumes and appearing on talk shows now and then, and doing put-ons at conventions or making dunces out of TV news reporters, he wasn't exactly likable. He didn't have the larger than life personality of even a Henry Morgan. The lecture circuit and working out of an office was more his style. He wasn't the genial Steve Allen making fun of people on the street, and lacked the cult appeal of prankish David Letterman. He wasn't as comfortably conspiratorial as radio's late night misanthrope Jean Shepherd. Few are memorable as characters, the way his former SINA rep Buck Henry is.

Alan Abel, to judge from his anecdotal book "Don't Get Mad, Get Even," was a handful in daily life. He claimed a true story about the time he was "traveling by subway to a Forest Hills tennis game..." and noticed a pickpocket at work. His solution? "Casually I wandered into the next car...two couples were standing by the door...both fellows were beefy and wore football-numbered T-shirts....I put a finger to my lips and pointed to the action in the next car..."That guy is ripping off the passengers. And when he finishes, he said he's going to rape your lady friends." Those two chaps bolted into the car, took flying leaps at the thug, and pounded him to the floor...While frenzied scuffling and shouting continued, the train plled into my station. I got off and went on to enjoy some tennis."

Maybe, if recounted by Groucho Marx or W.C. Fields, that anecdote would be admirable, and maybe even funny. Coming from Abel, it comes off as just a tad cowardly. But then again, maybe the anecdote was a hoax, and never happened at all.

Perhaps some quotes from "Don't Get Mad, Get Even" explain the problem with the late, often great Alan Abel. His put-ons were often joyless and his underlying view could be misanthropic without the needed wit and wink of a Bierce or a Twain. Granted, few could rival Bierce or Twain, but here's Alan offering hints on "getting even" with annoying people (not ones who try to put you on, just annoying people in general): PUSHY PANHANDLER: "To avoid this annoying breed of leech...become ill instantly and ask to borrow his or her scarf, hat or handkerchief.

HOW TO AVOID TIPPING: "For the unattentive waiter or waitress, I suggest leaving a printed card on the table after eating as follows:

I DID NOT LEAVE A TIP BECAUSE

_____ You forgot the fingerbowl.

_____ The drinking glass was dirt.

_____ You were conspicuous by your absence.

_____ Your appearance is unappetizing.

_____ God will bless you for your service.

And here, in a catch-all chapter on how to deal with a variety of difficult people:

"A friend or relative you could live without sounds a rotten gift at Christmas or on your birthday

a. Gift wrap one glove and send it.

b. Mail a gift certificate from a store that has gone out of business.

c. Send one ticket to a Broadway show that closed opening night.

d. Re-wrap the gift reeived and send it to the donor as yours.

OK, not funny, but maybe a vicarious thrill in reading these notions? Same as the vicarious thrill of watching W.C. Fields boot Baby LeRoy in the rump? There are always too few curmudgeons in the world, and too many morons. And yes, today the morons have gained in number with the loss of Alan Abel.

Hooray Hooray, Bert and Ernie are GAY - Good thing they aren't JEWS, right? NO JEWS on SESEME STREET

The world is SAVED.

The latest blow to evil straight white men, is this blowjob:

Yes, a headline on the front page of the NY POST.

Isn't this just too charming? Yes, it's beyon charming. It's ACE.

No, it's even...what's a word that's more gay than ACE? Ah...

It's FIERCE.

Isn't it nice to know that two asexual chunks of sponge actually fuck each other in the ass?

No, that's MORE than just nice.

It's FIERCE.

The answer here is that as long as two Muppets can come out as "gay," then this will help little boys and girls, "BORN THAT WAY," to feel good about themselves.

Gays, after all, are a viciously maligned minority. As opposed to, oh, JEWS.

Do we have a JEWISH Muppet?

"Big Bird" is not "Big Kosher Chicken."

At the Emmy Awards the other evening, the hosts declared that their intent was to NOT make cheap, stupid Liberal jokes about Trump, or take cheap shots at easy targets like Weinstein or Cosby as some other awards shows did. No, no mention of evil Les Moonves.

The thought was, "let's make this an AWARDS show, and honor people, and not try to use this as a platform to grimace and gripe about stuff."

You know what, nobody took a knee.

But hey hey hey, Bert and Ernie are HERE and they're QUEER! (As if there haven't been Bert and Ernie gay jokes for 20 years or more).

Gays (and Lesbians and transgenders) are still the minority du jour.

It's ok to make fun of Oscar De La Hoya (the NY Post called him a sex freak, and said he threw kinky, weirdo parties). He's a crossdresser. He wasn't BORN that way, he's sick in the head.

It's ok to make jokes about other peoples' sexuality...the whack-jobs who whack off while wearing leather, rubber or diapers. Let them remain stigmatized and feeling guilty.

Come to think of it, a lot of people are turned on BECAUSE they are feeling stigmatized and guilty. But let's not go there, girlfriend.

Likewise, Blacks remain the minority to feel sorry for. Take that knee, Colin. But don't change your name to Colin X, because that might sound like some kind of medication for a bowel condition.

Remember, briefly, when people cared about NATIVE AMERICANS and their rights? The Washington Redskins are still playing, and their racist owner still refuses to give in to common respect, and Kaepernick never took a knee about the dirty racism in his own sport.

But GAY MUPPETS! YESSSSS!

And what originality, too. There's never been a team of two men together, like Felix and Oscar or Stan and Ollie or Frick and Frack. It took over 30 years for anyone to luridly care whether two sponge puppets have sex with each other? Gee, hopefully Seseme Street will put in a few story lines about this, as 6 year-olds need to know.

Is it too late to find a writer who worked for Hal Roach Studios to proudly declare that having Laurel and Hardy in bed together was actually a subliminal message to homosexuals?

Maybe Bert and Ernie should wear pussy hats or rainbow flags or whatever. Definitely NOT wear a Star of David, though.

Jews are not the minority to feel sorry for (hey you, Harvey Weinstein, you too, Woody Allen...you never were charged but you can't make movies anymore!) Feel sorry for the Muslims. They've got a fine, fine religion, and just because it's the only one involved in mass bombings around the world, that's no reason to not welcome cloaked figures who have the notion that God is actually ashamed of the human body He created.

OK. Seseme Street CAN'T be totally diverse. They try. Their hunks of sponge come in a rainbow of colors.

There's hardly anyone white on that show, except The Count, and he's a vampire.

Know what would be radical? If Kermit the Frog slowly began to mutate, and lose his hands due to the polluted environment. He'd be like...you know...a REAL FROG.

But let's give The Muppets credit for acting as if frogs mate with pigs. (No, none of those Pete Davidson-Ariana Grande jokes.)

Inter-species sex may be bestiality to some, but it's fine on The Muppet Show, and always WILL be. SO THERE.

What you will NOT have to suffer is Miss Piggy converting to Judaism.