L'chaim Van Morrison! CLOTHES MAKE THE VAN

What? You didn't know VAN MORRISON was Jewish?

His original group was THEM. Who do you think are always called THEM people?

Here's Van, now 71, joyously dancing with members of the tribe.

What? You think there's something phony here?

Well, yes. That's what I thought when I saw the original picture.

Surly Van's publicists and make-up people and fashion designers gussied him up and persuaded him to pose in order to promote a BLUES gig. The idea: he's not an OLDIES act, just because "Moondance" and "Gloria" were some 40 or 50 years ago. Nope. He's an authentic BLUES BROTHER, like, oh, Jim Belushi.

So they had him dressed up in a Blues Brother hat and jacket, a scarf, shades...striking a pose with his fists thumbs up, and a sullen pout. That's how a white guy seems black.

Oh those white people!

Then, make sure the band is full of blacks (especially on bass and drum, rhythm you know). Definitely avoid Hasids! Which is why I surrounded Van with them.

My late colleague Peter Dvrackas, who worked with me on the rock mag ROCKET, used to point out how much a Bonnie Tyler or a David Bowie owed to fashion and make-up. I've never forgotten it.

Without the ultra cool hat and the shades, Van Morrison is just a squinty bald guy.

Without the cool hat matching the jacket, and without the scarf, he's kind of a squat old nerd.

Without the pouty lips and the hipster clenched fists, he doesn't have that rockin' blues vibe. (Nevermind that this guy probably can't move his legs any better than your Uncle Max...the one that died 8 years ago).

The idea is that this honky who always sounded like a honking goose, is actually much blacker, much bluesier, than Muddy Waters or Blind Willie McTell or Robert Johnson or any of the other African-Americans that Van's fans never listen to and would never go see.

In fact, if you just transport Mr. Morrison to a Jewish setting, call him MR. MORRIS if you will, you see just how BLUESY he really is. Not much.

What's the phrase? Schmuck and Mirrors. It's hype. It's hair and make-up. It's creating an image.

In truth, Van Morrison and Paul Simon look pretty much alike, don't they? Two slightly pudgy, sullen little guys who want everyone to think they are hip.

Of course Paul surrounds himself with Africans in costume, as if, by osmosis, he can magically reflect some mojo. Yes, he can. If Van was posed with blacks on drum and bass (most definitely, rhythm you now) and there was some guy in a dashiki on guitar, he'd look truly BLUESY. Here, he just looks truly JEWSY, and, too bad, that's not a good image. And when was the last time anyone noted that Klezmer music is pretty jazzy stuff?? "We're all dressed up for a Moandance..."