Thursday, April 20, 2017

Fetishists Sniffing ELI MANNING's laundry? And not being HAPPY?

One of the most laughable "scandals" of the day, is that "game used" and "game worn" items from Eli Manning weren't "authentic." This is a big deal, in a memorabilia world where half the autographs are forged or secretarial?

Somehow, in the 21st Century, we have become more superstitious and fetishistic than jungle savages and desert dimwits. Every day people spend a fortune on amulets, potions and "natural" cures. Despite all the logic of medical science, millions not only believe that there's a God in a cloud looking down on them (out of BILLIONS of people) but that this God needs them to KILL for him. Or her.

And so we have poor Eli Manning, a millionaire many times over, being accused of, what, cynically handing memorabilia dealers "unworn" jockstraps and socks? A helmet that doesn't have traces of his DNA or his brand of hair tonic in it?

Nice of the NY Post to OK the term "PISSED" in covering this tempissed in a teapot.

Desperately grabbing for a souvenir should be something only ridiculous teenagers do. We've all heard about bobby soxers frantic to grab a strand of Sinatra's hair, or Elvis's hair, or a Beatle's hair. Beatlemania saw cynical dealers cutting up squares of fabric from The Fab Four's pillow cases and selling them.

It's only gotten worse. Some of my celebrity friends have remarked on getting phone calls from dealers anxious for a "worn" item that could be cut into squares and put on trading cards. "Worn" as in, what, some item that no longer fits, that's been dry cleaned and hanging in a closet? What's the big deal? Why do people pay for this junk?

And yet, on EBAY, you get a good idea of what celebrity "worn" items can fetch, with or without a "Certificate of Authenticity." Like:

There are EBAY sellers who routinely post celebrity bras, and who is going to call them on it? The indignant celebrity? Not likely. The attitude is "let the buyer beware, ha ha ha."

The sports world is loaded with inane homoerotic fetishists who want to cradle the laundry of jocks. Again, recent sales:

Companies develop good businesses in putting a "swatch" on a card. Somebody says "Oh yes, Ali had this shirt in his closet..." or "I owned a robe Ali wore into the ring, go ahead, cut it up and sell it by the square inch..."

Fact is, you don't even have to be FAMOUS to sell your laundry on EBAY. EBAY, the site of hypocrisy, insists a woman can't sell her used undies on the site. But her used socks? Used pantyhose? Oh, that's OK. EBAY, if you ask one of the drones who answers the phone, will tell you that it's a "health hazard" to sell used undies. But not used socks? Let's see a few random sales:

It can be argued that SMELLY items have some value to certain people with SMELLY tastes, but what about these square patches of "used" clothing stuck behind a laminated card? What about a baseball bat some player swung a few times till it got a crack in it? What, if you get down to it, is so meaningful about owning an autograph page with a signature of some celebrity on it? YOU didn't meet the person, and the celebrity may not even have TOUCHED the page but just put a pen on it. What is the primitive fascination with "collectibles?" Why collect autopen signatures by Ronald Reagan? There used to be a guy on eBay who covered up his ineptitude at forging by selling signed golf balls. Oh, the autograph isn't that accurate because of all the little holes in the balls. His ads always said "Forensics!" Like, somehow, if you hired somebody to conduct DNA tests, you'd find a trace of the celebrity...IF you also had the celebrity's DNA to compare it with.

A lot of stars routinely used secretaries to sign stuff. The author of the new bio of David Letterman said he attended a taping when he was a 20-something, and asked a staffer if he could get Dave's signature. The staffer said, "Sure, if you get a can of Spam. He'll sign a can of Spam." The guy raced around to local stores, hoping not to miss the taping. Finally he found a bodega that had a can. He brought it to the staffer. After the show, he got the can back, signed. And years later, he related the story to Dave, and Dave apologized: "I never signed that."

I can tell you similar stories. One celebrity friend I know once casually mentioned that she'd hand stacks of fan mail to her mother, and her mother would sign the photos. The fans almost never know the difference, and suspend all disbelief. Until they see a story like this one on Eli Manning. Then, momentarily, they're shaken. But not stirred. They'll easily believe that somebody on eBay, somebody at Comic Con, somebody at a shop specializing in memorabilia, absolutely has THE REAL DEAL.

The sad truth is that even experts can't tell half the time. Or, they don't look too closely. Guys like Manning are not only laughing all the way to the bank, they're controlling supply and demand for their own egos. You can imagine the celebrity pride in seeing how high your autographed photo is selling for, or a "game worn" ball or jersey. Some stars almost never sign anything for free, or control how many "worn" items are out there, to keep them in the "sought after" Top 10.

In the memorabilia world, "WORN" never gets old.

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