TELL 'EM GROUCHO SAID IT...even if he didn't

Groucho Marx's catch-phrase on "You Bet Your Life," while promoting Plymouth-De Soto cars was "Go to your dealer...tell 'im Groucho sent you!"

It might be the least funny remark he ever said, but at least he said it. How about THIS meme that is on every copycat MEME website on the Internet?

Too many idiots have posted it, or sent it to me. What an ingrate I am to say "Groucho never said that." "Huh? Well, it's FUNNY isn't it?" No, not particularly. "It's TRUE isn't it?" Not if you're saying Groucho said it.

For some reason people (I'll use the more familiar term, assholes) don't seem to understand why a false quote like this annoys me. It should annoy anyone. The poets will tell you that "truth and beauty" are very important quests in life. In that order. Especiall if you look at what some people have married.

The people who don't understand who fake attribution is wrong, also seem to be the ones who nod their heads whenever Trump sneers and scolds about "Fake News." Listen, assholes, isn't it a good idea to TELL THE TRUTH? To separate fact from rumor and outright lies?

Sure, we know what somebody means when there's the unintentional typo, but that's no reason to stop hiring proofreaders, and spend more time squinting at mistakes. You wouldn't excuse your accountant making a little mistake, or your dentist or your condom maker.

My late friend Steve Allen called it "dumbth." That's the dumbing down of the culture. Aw, it's too hard to do research. It's too difficult to read books. Let's reduce it all to MEMES, and who cares who really created the quote.

Another late friend, George Carlin, was pissed off when people attributed quotes to him. He used to have a page on his website debunking this crap. Why? Because he was proud of what he created, and didn't want to take credit for what wasn't his. Simple?

I do understand how quotes get "attributed." I remember talking to Steve Allen about a routine from Mort Sahl. Mort claimed that he noticed Steve reading a book on Einstein. Why read a book on THAT guy, when there were more important things to do, like check ten newspapers a day to fret over Carmine DeSapio.

Steve, according to Mort, explained that reading biographies was useful, and that he discovered an interesting fact about Einstein. He was humble. He answered his own phone calls.

Mort then said, "Who ever called Einstein??"

I thought it was a bit odd that Mort would wrangle with Steve that way, but Steve shrugged it off: "He was just using me to hang a joke on." And guess what. Mort admitted to me, that he did a lot of that. For example, he told of Alexander Haig smoking a Cuban cigar. Criticized for it, Haig responded, "I like to think of it as helping to burn down Castro's crops."

Mort to me: "It gets boring if I'm just doing a monologue. I put somebody's name in there, and tell a funny anecdote about them." Name dropping helped Mort's act, and how could a dullard like Haig object to being quoted as witty?

The problem with the Groucho quote is that nobody would even look at it without his funny face and famous name. It would be a lot duller if attributed to the right person:

Sir Ernest John Pickstone Benn.

Who? It would be nice if people saw the quote, asked WHO, and researched this guy? He didn't make movies with the Marx Brothers, or star in a quiz show, so his claim for posterity rests with this ONE QUOTE. Why not, for the sake of truth and posterity, acknowledge the man?

Most artists sign their paintings. Most creative people like recognition. Just ask Paul McCartney, who petitioned for "Yesterday" to be re-credited as McCartney-Lennon. Ask the judge who presided over the "Whiter Shade of Pale" case, in which the credit "Brooker-Reid" was amended to "Brooker-Reid-Fisher." Note that the author of "The Story of O" had a change of heart once the book became a success. When people insisted that only a man could've written such an impossible novel about a female submissive, "Pauline Réage" ultimately revealed that this was a pseudonym...but for Dominique Aury. Well...ok, Dominique Aury was also a pseudonym. Make it Anne Cécile Desclos."

As for pointing out that some of Groucho's movie quotes were actually scripted, and should say "written for Groucho Marx by..." Morrie Riskind or Arthur Sheekman or S.J. Perelman...that MIGHT be taking things a little too far.